MoH concerns- long

audreyjem

Hi Ladies,

I usually don't like to bring up personal complaints, but this has been bugging me for a while and FI is not an impartial party, so I'd like to get someone else's take on this!

I have two MoH's- my childhood best friend (we've remained super close for over 15 years) and my college best friend, who I live with (we share a bedroom). I asked them both because I always planned on having my childhood friend, and since I'm currently living with my college bf (from now on I'll call her K) and knew she'd be helpful in the planning, I figured it made sense to ask them both.

I've shared a bedroom with K for a year now, we were sharing a studio when I met FI and when I decided to stay in the city to be close to FI, K and I decided to live together again for the next year. Towards the end of our time in the studio, I spent most of my nights at FI's apartment, because we were getting closer and I wanted to spend time with him. I assumed K would love to have the studio to herself, but she started to resent me for being away so often. By the end of last summer, we had a mini-blow out, but nothing big enough to change our plans to continue living together.

She spent last fall away for an internship, so I paid full rent for our bedroom and lived there alone, and she moved in this January. For the first few months, I spent my nights in our apartment, and things were good again. FI would come over for dinner and we'd hang out for a few hours, and then he'd go home. Weekends I usually spent at his place, so her BF could stay with her at our place. At the beginning of this spring, FI and I started looking at houses, and I started staying at his place more during the weeks. We've been pretty busy, so it made sense for me to stay with him, plus it's been really nice being together every night.

On the downside, K has started giving me attitude again. When I am at our apartment, she's moody, and one night she even confronted me about not being around, even though she admitted she'd do the same if her BF lived in the same city. When I do stay at our place, she's stressed out and busy doing homework all the time, and I end up just watching tv by myself. I have 3 1/2 months left on my lease, and although we close on our house at the end of May, I can't move because I have a position in the city that lasts about as long as my lease.

I guess my point is that I don't think I should have to feel guilty about 1. spending time with my FI, 2. letting her basically live in a room and have her BF over whenever she wants, while I continue to pay half the rent, and 3. just doing what I want! I still care about our friendship, and I want her to be my MoH, but I hate feeling so awkward and strained around her! I don't even tell her about what's going on with the house or wedding planning anymore, because she seems to resent me.

Am I in the wrong? HELP!

greeneke2

I definitely don't think you need to feel guilty about spending time with your FI.  But I went through something similar with my lifelong childhood friend.  When I look back on it, I can absolutely see where she was coming from (not that she was necessarily right but you know)

S and I used to spend every single second of our summers together and when I met my now FI over the summers I began living with him and eventually lived with him all the time.  Although I'd make efforts to spend time with her and hang out with her, she never seemed to appreciate it and it made me soo mad!  But now I look back, and I see that this was just a huge change for her and she wasn't used to everything that was going on.  Not necessarily that she wasn't happy for me but she was just having a really hard time trying to adjust to everything that was happening.

My advice, never give up your friends.  She may be having a hard time with everything and all of the changes and she may not be acting like the friend that she should be right now.  But keep making that effort and give it time.  

Mona8

I was pretty much in the exact same situation with my college roomate (before FI and I were engaged). My advice may be biased though since she and I are no longer friends, so take it with a grain of salt. I won't go into details, but after several fights and instances of her not being a good friend to me, I realized she was not much of a good friend to begin with. I've never regretted my decision to stop being friends with her and it actually removed alot of stress from my life.

I'm not telling you to stop being friends with her because I don't know the details of your friendship. She may be an amazing friend in which case I would sit down with her and talk about what's bothering both of you. Maybe you'll be able to come to an understanding or a compromise where neither of you will be upset with each other. Your situation is also a bit more complicated since she's your MOH, so after talking with her and seeing how things go for a while, you'll need to decide if  she's still someone you want standing there with you on your big day.
But you should NOT feel guilty about spending time with your FI and no one should make you feel that way. If she was feeling abandoned then she should have approached you as a friend before she got bitter and talked to you about it.

Pod0512

I wouldn't feel guilty that you're spending time with your FI or doing what you want to do.  I can imagine, living in such a small space, that conflicts can escalate quickly and small annoyances seem bigger.  It sounds like your roommate (and you) are just busy and stressed.  Saying stuff like "you're never around" sounds like she just misses you and trying to adjust to all the changes in your life. 

In the grand scheme of things, though, 3.5 months isn't really very long.  I would stick it out.  Can you make some time to hang out just the two of you and talk about life, maybe steer clear of wedding and house talk?

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_moh-concerns-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:ee65b3ad-646e-4a1f-ba7f-34fc42665f6fPost:279c0bd6-6b0c-48cd-9f1c-a43a398ed9ff">Re: MoH concerns- long</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't feel guilty that you're spending time with your FI or doing what you want to do.  I can imagine, living in such a small space, that conflicts can escalate quickly and small annoyances seem bigger.  It sounds like your roommate (and you) are just busy and stressed. <strong> Saying stuff like "you're never around" sounds like she just misses you and trying to adjust to all the changes in your life. </strong> In the grand scheme of things, though, 3.5 months isn't really very long.  I would stick it out.  Can you make some time to hang out just the two of you and talk about life, maybe steer clear of wedding and house talk?
Posted by Pod0512[/QUOTE]

<div>I was thinking this too, I would try to schedule a time weekly (or something like this) that you two can hang out alone, and steer clear of the wedding and house talk. </div>

FutureMrsSheeler

No you shouldn't feel guilty, but do try to see where she is coming from. Like Pod said, she does sound like she misses you, and scheduling a night for you to have together would be something that would definitely work. She probably doesn't adjust well to change, and this is her way of dealing with it. Talk it over with her and try to tell her where you are coming from as well.

audreyjem

Thanks ladies! You confirmed my feelings, and I'm glad I'm not crazy! I do want to try to make more "plans" with her... its something you neglect as roommates, but since I'm not around, it makes sense to plan something concrete every once in a while. Sorry to hear some of you went through similar things, it's always tough to transition from friendship relationships to "the" relationship :P

Thanks for the advice and for listening!