advice please (kind of long)

DianaL616

A couple of weeks ago I posted about FI's cousin adding a plus one (her son's girlfriend) to the RSVP. Well after much debate we decided to contact her and let her know that we only planned for 4 people in the party and that we didn't have space for additional guests. I was very polite about it because it's the truth. 

Well she said she understood and that her kids won't want to come without the girlfriend so to mark them off the guest list. This bothered me but whatever. Then FMIL called FI saying that the she heard through the family grapevine that the cousin was really mad because her son and the girlfriend have been dating for 5 years. Well, we didn't know that because we don't know this family at all. She could have asked ahead of time if she can come or explained that when we contacted them about the plus one in the first place. So now we look like the bad guys to FI's family.

So I don't know what to do...I don't want my new family to hate me! FMIL is upset because there already is going to be a lot of people on their side of the family that won't be at the wedding so she doesn't want less people to come. 

Should we contact the cousin and explain that it was a misunderstanding and we didn't know they are in a serious relationship and that she can come? Or should I stick our original decision and leave it alone?

mandi921vh

Hmm that is a tough one! It seems FMIL knew about this GF, I am assuming because you don't know this family that she does and that she knew about this GF when you possibly asked her for their address...?

I think at this point you should contact this cousin and explain that you had no idea that her son had a GF, and that if you did you would have made your guest list accommodating to her, you are not able to invite her now because of space reasons not cost. I wouldn't normally suggest this but... maybe explain that once RSVPs come back and you have a 'no' you can then extend the invitation to her...?

kimberlykh

Ugh. That is a tough one.  Honestly, I would probably just leave it alone, especially since you don't ever see them. 

caitlinc09

This is a really tough situation. My instinct says stick to your original decision and talk to FMIL and apologize for upsetting anyone because you simply had a lack of info. However, when I think about if I were in the situation, I would probably call the cousin and tell her everyone is welcome to attend and apologize for the misunderstanding. Because I'm kind of terrified of pissing off my inlaws! Do whichever you feel is best in the long haul. If you aren't ever going to see any of these people, don't stress so much. If you will be seeing them frequently at holidays, I would go ahead and extend the invitation. 

draggiefire

I would stick with your original decision. And I probably wouldn't contact the cousin BECAUSE you heard from the 'family grapevine' that the cousin was upset. If she didn't tell you that she was really upset by this decision, then it could probably get ugly if you contacted her to let her know that it's okay for the GF to come now. Because, then it seems like your just inviting her for the sake of making the cousin happy. I'm also sure the GF must know that by now the invite wasn't originally extended out to her. I doubt that the GF would really feel happy going knowing that the mother of her BF had to talk you into inviting her.
 
I do agree with the first post when she mentioned explaining to the cousin about being unaware that her son is in a serious relationship and would desire bringing her. Hence why you are not able to accomodate her. But, if you do desire to call the cousin because you fear of bad blood with the new family, make sure you leave out the fact that you heard that she was upset. Maybe that after some consideration that you'd love to extend the invite to the GF if there happens to be a 'no' on any of the RSVPs. It can be a touchy situation. Best of luck, whichever decision you make.

marisha115

I'm thinking that if you have the room, you should go ahead and call the cousin and explain the misunderstanding.  Blame it on the information having never gotten to you that he's been dating his GF for 5 years and that had you known, you would have planned for her to be there all along and that this just shows that you need to catch up more and stuff like that.  There's no reason to have hurt feelings over a misunderstanding.

comeongetdown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_advice-please-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:ff0ddc41-37ee-4c6a-9ac1-8f127a61d2fdPost:5facb3fe-6dab-4b25-9ae2-fb5281237c2f">Re: advice please (kind of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would stick with your original decision. And I probably wouldn't contact the cousin BECAUSE you heard from the 'family grapevine' that the cousin was upset. If she didn't tell you that she was really upset by this decision, then it could probably get ugly if you contacted her to let her know that it's okay for the GF to come now. Because, then it seems like your just inviting her for the sake of making the cousin happy. I'm also sure the GF must know that by now the invite wasn't originally extended out to her. I doubt that the GF would really feel happy going knowing that the mother of her BF had to talk you into inviting her.   I do agree with the first post when she mentioned explaining to the cousin about being unaware that her son is in a serious relationship and would desire bringing her. Hence why you are not able to accomodate her. But, if you do desire to call the cousin because you fear of bad blood with the new family, make sure you leave out the fact that you heard that she was upset. Maybe that after some consideration that you'd love to extend the invite to the GF if there happens to be a 'no' on any of the RSVPs. It can be a touchy situation. Best of luck, whichever decision you make.
Posted by draggiefire[/QUOTE]

I agree with this 100%

but seriously, you told them she wasn't invited because of space, so you don't want to all of a sudden have room for her when you find out she's been a gf for 5 years.  i know it's a tough situation for you, but it sounds like these people are being a little sensitive...

AurorasEnvy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_advice-please-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:ff0ddc41-37ee-4c6a-9ac1-8f127a61d2fdPost:5facb3fe-6dab-4b25-9ae2-fb5281237c2f">Re: advice please (kind of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I would stick with your original decision. And I probably wouldn't contact the cousin BECAUSE you heard from the 'family grapevine' that the cousin was upset. If she didn't tell you that she was really upset by this decision, then it could probably get ugly if you contacted her to let her know that it's okay for the GF to come now. Because, then it seems like your just inviting her for the sake of making the cousin happy. I'm also sure the GF must know that by now the invite wasn't originally extended out to her. I doubt that the GF would really feel happy going knowing that the mother of her BF had to talk you into inviting her.   I do agree with the first post when she mentioned explaining to the cousin about being unaware that her son is in a serious relationship and would desire bringing her. Hence why you are not able to accomodate her.</strong> But, if you do desire to call the cousin because you fear of bad blood with the new family, make sure you leave out the fact that you heard that she was upset. Maybe that after some consideration that you'd love to extend the invite to the GF if there happens to be a 'no' on any of the RSVPs. It can be a touchy situation. Best of luck, whichever decision you make.
Posted by draggiefire[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with this...I'd probably let things be at this point.  I'd feel bad, but obviously FMIL can't be very close to the family as she doesn't know about this girlfriend of 5 years!  Also, my feeling is that if you "re-invite" the GF, it makes you seem wishy washy and like there really was room in the first place, you just didn't want her there.  I know that's not it at all, but I think that is how it would come across.  It's an unfortunate situation, but honestly not your fault as it sounds like it was FMIL's responsibility to get the address list from her side.

</div>

pantherRN

How old are the son and his GF? And for the record, I think it's quite childish for FI's cousin to say that now none of them are coming.

Yolie622

I would speak to the FmiL & explain to her if you receive a "No" then she can come, but as of right now stick to your story.

 I don't understand why people want to take it upon themselves to invite people they want at a paid function.

If this part of the family you don't know then don't stress out. This is your Wedding so enjoy.

gsg717

Leave it alone at this point. The reason you told them no was b/c of space. So how do you suddenly have space b/c of the 5-yr girlfriend. Plus, whether it's 5yrs or 5months, who are we to judge on relationship significance, right? Me and my man got engaged after 1 month. Maybe you can explain to FMIL that once the RSVPs are in, you'll be more than happy to invite this GF if there is enough space. Hopefully, she'll pass that back through this grapevine.

A day or two after the RSVP date, call up this cousin and say, "We have enough space for the GF to come along, so I'm more than happy to extend an invitation to her. Sorry for any inonvenience beforehand, fire dept reguations, you know? (insert light chuckle). Let me know if the GF would like to come, along with the kids who only wanted to come with the GF." And from there, the ball is in their court.

It sounds like this cousin is being petty. Why would her kids not go b/c the son's GF can't go? Maybe the son, but multiple kids? Stick to your guns. Ultimately, you can't please everyone.

S0095042

I agree with previous posts about sticking to your guns and just leaving it alone. If it was that important to the FI's family, then someone would have said something like, "did you make sure XXX was on the list?" How old is this cousin (anyhow?) If the mom is having to ask you and not the cousin ---that is very odd.

DianaL616

Thanks for your help ladies! We are going to leave it alone...maybe extend an invite once it gets closer and we see what the final guest list is. It's just very frustrating because they are making me feel like I did something wrong. Ugh. BTW...the cousin is around 45 years old and her son is 20.

ladychambers83

Stick to your guns.... One thing my dad drilled into my head when doing the guestlist is "don't let anyone bully you into who you should invite" If that was your decision before, stick to it, they'll get over it. You'll have a fabulous time at your wedding and not even notice they're missing lol