Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!!

Jessica52008

I started dating her nephew 5 years ago. She loved me. We would have coffee together and we acted like best friends. Unfortunately I broke up with him 2 years ago and we had a small break. (I broke his heart) We got back together and she hasn't liked me since. My fiance has then since proposed and she has not congratulated us, has not had anything to do with the plans of the shower or wedding, and is super pissed that since my fiance's mother is not in the picture we asked his grandmother to act in the role of the "mother figure" for the wedding and we didn't ask her! She doesn't want me to be apart of his family, she hates me, and does not want me to have his last name. She can't get over the past. I bring presents to Christmas, go to Birthday Parties, Bring Foods for picnics, I do everything I can to try to make her like me again. But her wall is up and she won't let me in. How do I deal with her????  Please some advice!!

misshart00

I would just ignore it. If you can't do that, your FI should talk to her and say something like 'Aunt, if you cannot respect my future wife, we will not be spending anymore time with you.' The her not wanting you to have his last name is the most ridiculous thing to me. That's no one's decision but yours. And I'm sure you won't be the only Smith or whoever in the world.

kmbryant2413

Tell your FI to grow a pair and tell her to at least be civil, if nothing else.

Jessica52008

Thank you all. I really appreciate the advice. I will just have to keep biting my tongue to keep the peace between his family. And as for him to grow a pair.. he doesn't have his mother's side of the family at all, so it's hard for him to be rude or even stand up to his father's side, just because that's the only little bit of family he has left.

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-advice-on-crazy-aunt-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:899b1498-04c1-4a47-af89-3c2c807c5124Post:4a888d22-f351-4519-b419-6ee594668923">Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all. I really appreciate the advice. I will just have to keep biting my tongue to keep the peace between his family. And as for him to grow a pair.. he doesn't have his mother's side of the family at all, so it's hard for him to be rude or even stand up to his father's side, just because that's the only little bit of family he has left.
Posted by Jessica52008[/QUOTE]

<div>There is a difference between being rude, and telling your family that they need to be civil to someone who is about to become part of their family, hopefully forever.</div><div>
</div><div>edit: clarity.</div>

misshart00

In Response to Re:Need Advice on CRAZY AuntInLaw!!!:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice on CRAZY AuntInLaw!!!:Thank you all. I really appreciate the advice. I will just have to keep biting my tongue to keep the peace between his family. And as for him to grow a pair.. he doesn't have his mother's side of the family at all, so it's hard for him to be rude or even stand up to his father's side, just because that's the only little bit of family he has left.Posted by Jessica52008There is a difference between being rude, and telling your family that they need to be civil to someone who is about to become part of their family, hopefully forever.edit: clarity. Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. He needs to make a decision who is more important, you or his aunt. Tht answer should be you.

BostonGIrl4732

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-advice-on-crazy-aunt-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:899b1498-04c1-4a47-af89-3c2c807c5124Post:873df84d-90a3-4b1c-a36b-3bc20fba91c3">Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!! : There is a difference between being rude, and telling your family that they need to be civil to someone who is about to become part of their family, hopefully forever. edit: clarity.
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree.  He doesn't have to be rude.  He can be very polite about it.  He just has to be firm with her and stand up for you.</div>

Jessica52008

I do agree that my FI needs to talk to his aunt, but you all don't know this lady. She is like the queen bee of their family. Everyone talks to her, everyone loves her, and everyone just does what she says to keep the peace. If she gets mad at you.. the whole family gets mad at you. If you tick her off or confront her..it's like hitting the dynamite with a flame. It's going to explode! My fiance's father is the Aunt's brother and they grew up very close. So if she gets mad... he will get mad. And out of his whole family my FI only really cares if he gets his father mad. This whole family that I am marrying into, is literally (not to be rude against them) but psycho. They are always right and on a team together. It's so frustrating! I sometimes want to make my fiance Josh just pick me and never talk to his family again.. it's that crazy!! I would never make his do that.. it's just a thought (that is always on my mind)

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-advice-on-crazy-aunt-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:899b1498-04c1-4a47-af89-3c2c807c5124Post:755a71be-4c53-421d-b479-4ccfdf95c7ab">Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I do agree that my FI needs to talk to his aunt, but you all don't know this lady. She is like the queen bee of their family. Everyone talks to her, everyone loves her, and everyone just does what she says to keep the peace. If she gets mad at you.. the whole family gets mad at you. If you tick her off or confront her..it's like hitting the dynamite with a flame. It's going to explode! My fiance's father is the Aunt's brother and they grew up very close. So if she gets mad... he will get mad. And out of his whole family my FI only really cares if he gets his father mad. This whole family that I am marrying into, is literally (not to be rude against them) but psycho. They are always right and on a team together. It's so frustrating! I sometimes want to make my fiance Josh just pick me and never talk to his family again.. it's that crazy!! I would never make his do that.. it's just a thought (that is always on my mind)
Posted by Jessica52008[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's very unfortunate, but if you or your fiance can't stand the thought of someone being mad at you, and he won't stick up with you for it, then.. you might have some issues. I have no family on my mothers side that speaks to me any more. It's just a few left on my fathers side. I do not let anyone say a cross word about my FI, ever. Because while I love my family, I was born into them. If I CHOSE someone to spend the rest of my life with, then my family doesn't have a leg to stand on against them.</div><div>
</div><div>Either bite your tongue or (hopefully) get your FI to firmly and politely tell your aunt that she needs to act like an adult instead of the fussing pack leader of a group of highschoolers.

</div>

s-aries8990

If they're so close, can FI just talk to Dad about it? If FI can point out to his Dad that you are doing everything that you can to keep on good terms with Aunt, then when FI talks to Aunt, Dad shouldn't be fazed.

Jessica52008

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-advice-on-crazy-aunt-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:899b1498-04c1-4a47-af89-3c2c807c5124Post:f5dd0c2c-caa9-49bf-9416-e2e21731df9e">Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]If they're so close, can FI just talk to Dad about it? If FI can point out to his Dad that you are doing everything that you can to keep on good terms with Aunt, then when FI talks to Aunt, Dad shouldn't be fazed.
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

The problem with that, is the dad knows the family is crazy but would rather stay out of it. He hates drama with a passon and won't stand up to his sister.. even for his own son.

This is the family I am marrying into... am I crazy ?? LOL

Jessica52008

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-advice-on-crazy-aunt-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:899b1498-04c1-4a47-af89-3c2c807c5124Post:50329206-1e6b-44ef-a1ec-249bba6bb0f1">Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!! : That's very unfortunate, but if you or your fiance can't stand the thought of someone being mad at you, and he won't stick up with you for it, then.. you might have some issues. I have no family on my mothers side that speaks to me any more. It's just a few left on my fathers side. I do not let anyone say a cross word about my FI, ever. Because while I love my family, I was born into them. If I CHOSE someone to spend the rest of my life with, then my family doesn't have a leg to stand on against them. Either bite your tongue or (hopefully) get your FI to firmly and politely tell your aunt that she needs to act like an adult instead of the fussing pack leader of a group of highschoolers.
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

I very much agree with you. I will have to have a serious (yet another) heart to heart talk with him about his family.  He hates these kinds of talks.

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-advice-on-crazy-aunt-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:899b1498-04c1-4a47-af89-3c2c807c5124Post:578d8495-bf63-4b0c-a994-032c5c9e740f">Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!! : I very much agree with you. I will have to have a serious (yet another) heart to heart talk with him about his family.  He hates these kinds of talks.
Posted by Jessica52008[/QUOTE]

<div>It's understandable. I would be embarrassed and angry if my FI came to me and told me that my family was treating him like crap. It's hard to deal with. Please don't think I was calling your FI spineless or anything like that. But it is really true that if he or you let it go on, the pattern will turn into habit, and then it will just get worse.</div><div>
</div><div>I think PP was right in talking to dad. If he refuses, then you BOTH need to go to Crazy Aunt and tell her that it is unacceptable. Flat out. FI needs to let her know that he loves you, you ARE going to be part of the family, and it is not negotiable.</div><div>
</div><div>I know it sucks and I'm sorry :/</div>

Jessica52008

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-advice-on-crazy-aunt-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:899b1498-04c1-4a47-af89-3c2c807c5124Post:9f1c39f9-ed6b-451b-8dab-de3efe1d7124">Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!! : It's understandable. I would be embarrassed and angry if my FI came to me and told me that my family was treating him like crap. It's hard to deal with. Please don't think I was calling your FI spineless or anything like that. But it is really true that if he or you let it go on, the pattern will turn into habit, and then it will just get worse. I think PP was right in talking to dad. If he refuses, then you BOTH need to go to Crazy Aunt and tell her that it is unacceptable. Flat out. FI needs to let her know that he loves you, you ARE going to be part of the family, and it is not negotiable. I know it sucks and I'm sorry :/
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]


I really really appreciate your words of advice. I just needed to vent, I never knew about this website until yesterday my cousin told me. I have been just really stressed and overwhelmed with the shower, its next month... the wedding in July and now his family. It's been too much to handle and I needed advice and to vent. Thanks for helping me and that's what I needed to hear. !!! 

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-advice-on-crazy-aunt-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:899b1498-04c1-4a47-af89-3c2c807c5124Post:0d9086ee-2af6-4932-9533-6bb85ddf81f9">Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!! : The problem with that, is the <strong>dad knows the family is crazy but would rather stay out of it. </strong>He hates drama with a passon and won't stand up to his sister.. even for his own son. This is the family I am marrying into... am I crazy ?? LOL
Posted by Jessica52008[/QUOTE]

But I thought you said Dad would get mad if Aunt got mad?

I think that as long as Aunt has ZERO evidence of you being a biznatch from the time you got back together with FI until now, she doesn't have a leg to stand on and FI should call her out for being rude for no reason. Is FI close with other aunts or uncles? Will he see them soon? Can he start with them?

 All he really has to say is "Aunt, sometimes the way you talk to Jessica really hurts her feelings, she can tell you aren't crazy about her, but I would appreciate if you treated her with a little bit more respect."

What are you expecting as an outcome, though. Do you want to have the same BIFFL relationship as before? Because I can pretty confidently say that won't happen for a long time because of her personality. Don't expect much from her in terms of being involved in the wedding process - don't ask her to be involved a whole lot, but treat her with kindess and accept any input she has with a "what a nice/interesting/unique idea, I'll discuss it with FI." *bat eyelashes and smile pretty*

Kill her with kindess and hopefully she'll come around.

OliveOilsMom

I just wonder if this is a type of situation, where you also broke the Aunt's heart too by breaking up with your FI prior.  If you were very close before, I'm sure she felt stung by your break up too.  Also, is it possible that your FI was very open with his aunt about the breakup?  Maybe she heard some not so nice stuff about you (from FI, but remember, he was broken hearted at the time) and now she cannot forgive you for what you did to FI.  Even though you two are back on track and everything is great, she cannot forget what happened. 

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-advice-on-crazy-aunt-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:899b1498-04c1-4a47-af89-3c2c807c5124Post:bf89cf5e-80d0-4602-ab35-9f879fd33940">Re: Need Advice on CRAZY Aunt-In-Law!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wonder if this is a type of situation, where you also broke the Aunt's heart too by breaking up with your FI prior.  If you were very close before, I'm sure she felt stung by your break up too.  Also, is it possible that your FI was very open with his aunt about the breakup?  Maybe she heard some not so nice stuff about you (from FI, but remember, he was broken hearted at the time) and now she cannot forgive you for what you did to FI.  Even though you two are back on track and everything is great, she cannot forget what happened. 
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

<div>That is very much what I was thinking the issue was.</div>