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was MOH in "best friends" wedding, not planning on having her in party, should I feel bad?

I was in my "best friend"/sorority sisters wedding as the MOH almost 3 years ago - since then she has moved 45 minutes away and has not made a trip to visit me one single time. When I got engaged almost 2 weeks ago she was in the hospital with pancreatitis which I knew so I texted her a picture of my ring with a message and she texted back she would call as soon as she could and wanted all the details. 

After I saw that she was home I texted her to see how she was feeling and we chatted for about 10 minutes or so about all of that and then the conversation was over. We haven't talked much over the past 3 years other than me coming to visit her a few times a year (she's been working, I've been in school) but I figured maybe once I got engaged we would become close again because I had always pictured her as being my MOH and heavily involved.

She has liked all of the stuff I've posted on Facebook about our engagement (just pictures that were posted and the like) but has not asked me a single question about it - I don't want to sound selfish but I would at least expect someone who is supposed to be a good friend to ask at least when we were thinking about having it or some sort of detail about it by this point.

I've already asked my best friend from grade school to be my MOH and another sorority sister that I've talked to on a daily basis for the past 4 years to be my matron of honor because I know they will be there for me every step of the way. Should I feel this bad about not having my former best friend in my bridal party? I still plan on inviting her and her husband but we just aren't very close and if she hasn't been able to make a 45 minute drive to see me in the past 3 years how can I expect her to do it at any point for anything wedding related? Is this considered rude?

Thanks :)

Re: was MOH in "best friends" wedding, not planning on having her in party, should I feel bad?

  • I don't think she is trying to be rude - you might be reading into it a bit.  People grow apart, and that is understandable.  I also don't think you should feel bad if you don't want her in the bridal party.  You should have people up there that you feel close to.  But definitely invite her as a guest. 

    I personally don't see why you expected you getting engaged to bring the two of you closer together as friends.  Is it because she is already married and she has been spending more time with her husband than with you?  And now that you are engaged, you thought you would have more in common? 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_was-moh-in-best-friends-wedding-not-planning-on-having-her-in-party-should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a91c4b2d-865e-48c9-b21c-e8ca3b5c74d5Post:bc27193f-faf7-4d55-a0ae-a199309ba391">was MOH in "best friends" wedding, not planning on having her in party, should I feel bad?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was in my "best friend"/sorority sisters wedding as the MOH almost 3 years ago - since then she has moved 45 minutes away and has not made a trip to visit me one single time. When I got engaged almost 2 weeks ago she was in the hospital with pancreatitis which I knew so I texted her a picture of my ring with a message and she texted back she would call as soon as she could and wanted all the details.  After I saw that she was home I texted her to see how she was feeling and we chatted for about 10 minutes or so about all of that and then the conversation was over. We haven't talked much over the past 3 years other than me coming to visit her a few times a year (she's been working, I've been in school) but I figured maybe once I got engaged we would become close again because I had always pictured her as being my MOH and heavily involved. She has liked all of the stuff I've posted on Facebook about our engagement (just pictures that were posted and the like) but has not asked me a single question about it - I don't want to sound selfish but I would at least expect someone who is supposed to be a good friend to ask at least when we were thinking about having it or some sort of detail about it by this point. I've already asked my best friend from grade school to be my MOH and another sorority sister that I've talked to on a daily basis for the past 4 years to be my matron of honor because I know they will be there for me every step of the way. Should I feel this bad about not having my former best friend in my bridal party? I still plan on inviting her and her husband but we just aren't very close and if she hasn't been able to make a 45 minute drive to see me in the past 3 years how can I expect her to do it at any point for anything wedding related? Is this considered rude? Thanks :)
    Posted by kenschm[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, I don't see how you thought your engagement was going to bring you closer, either. When she was in the hospital, I hope you contacted her previously ABOUT being in the hospital as opposed to just sending her a pic of your ring. <div>
    </div><div>If you aren't close friends anymore, and you don't want to have her in your WP, then don't ask her. Weddings are not tit for tat, so just b/c you were in hers doesn't mean you have to include her in yours. </div><div>
    </div><div>Some people just aren't that into weddings. It's nice that she is at least acknowledging it with likes and whatnot on FB. Just b/c she doesn't bring it up doesn't mean she doesn't care; it might just mean she's not one to bring it up. </div><div>
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    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_was-moh-in-best-friends-wedding-not-planning-on-having-her-in-party-should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a91c4b2d-865e-48c9-b21c-e8ca3b5c74d5Post:72e9cfc9-3b3e-4335-bfde-e4dd08c12082">Re: was MOH in "best friends" wedding, not planning on having her in party, should I feel bad?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to was MOH in "best friends" wedding, not planning on having her in party, should I feel bad? : After planning my own wedding, I would probably be the same way.  A billion people ask you bunches of questions right after the engagement is a bit overwhelming.  And, there are rarely answers to the quetsions like "Have you picked a date?" or "Do you know what your colors are?"  She is probably giving you time to just enjoy being engaged.  And, if she is working and just got out of the hospital, she might also have that on her mind as well.
    Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

    What she said.
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  • Don't feel too bad about her not asking more about your engagement--didn't you say it's only been two weeks? Anyway, if you are not close to her anymore, you don't need to have her in her wedding party. If she hasn't been talking to you/reaching out to you either, I doubt she will be too surprised.
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  • edited May 2013
    On of my friends who we have planned to be a bridesmaid has been dealing with pancreatitis, she has been in and out of the hospital a few times since it started.  My thoughts are she has a lot on her plate.  This is YOUR day not hers, and while she probably is excited for you she has her own isses.  I know with us my FI and I have talked about letting her know if being a BM is too much we understand (for all we know she could end up in the hospital).  Honestly, she has so much on her plate the last things he needs to worry about is the details of my wedding.  

    Our friendship right now is one where we don't talk a whole lot but we still do care about each other, life sometimes gets in the way.  I will say that I found it a bit annoying how here she is sitting up in a hospital and all you seemed to care about was yourself and your enagement?  I don't want to assume but it didn't sound very nice and I would a be annoyed if I had a friend I didn't talk to much contacted me about her engagement ready for me to just talk her up about it when I am laying in a hospital bed.  A nice how are you would of been nice instead of you wanting to brag.  Not to say you don't have a right to be excited but there is a time and place.  IMO.

    Also I know my wedding is a ways away I don't expect my BM or MOH to be all about it or asking me tons of stuff all the time.  While I do talk to my MOH about the wedding I try to limit the talk because honestly I don't want to wear her out with so much wedding stuff.  It really is MY thing not hers.  As far as the 45 minute drive (which is how far my friend and I are actually further) have you actually went to see her?  I mean the door closes both ways.
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