Did I fall out of love?

ahanco

I've been with my fiance for a little over three years. During our second year together, he moved off about three hours away so he could take on a job that would offer more money, and I stayed behind until I could find a job myself in the same city. It took an entire year for me to find something, and now one of us works the night shift while the other works the morning shift, so we only see each other on the weekends.

I've been in the same city with him for about six months now, and it feels like i'm not even in a relationship anymore. It just feels like I have a buddy on the weekends to hang out with, but there's more going on in my head.

I'm starting to resent him for getting me to move so far away from my family, and hate that he continues to talk about moving to different states when we decide to move in to other jobs. We haven't had sex in over a month because I'm repulsed by the idea of him getting on top of me. I'm constantly mad at him for something small like not doing the things I need him to do for our wedding or just for even talking without . ever. freaking. stopping. to take a breath about things that I could care nothing about such as sports in painstaking detail, or going on and on and on about the newest race that he's training for....Sometimes I just want to let all of my fury and frustrations out on him, but I bite my tounge instead.

I just want to feel about him the same way I did before he moved off. I loved the way we were then. I hate who I've become since then. Does any one out there have any suggestions on what I could do to make this right again? Or is this over? We're five months away from the wedding, and I'm so scared that this might not last.

Laura JC

In Response to Did I fall out of love?:  I've been through this before with my first marriage.  Instead of dealing with major issues, I threw myself into a wedding that cost my parents a pretty penny.  It was over 1 year later.  We may have been able to avoid all of this if we had an honest talk about what he and I were feeling and experiencing in our relationship. My guess is he already knows something is up and is feeling tension as you are feeling.  Do NOT get married unless you work these issues out, a wedding band and a piece of paper will not solve your problems, they will amplify them and leave you feeling trapped.  You will need to come to the realization that this talk may or may not come out the way you want it too.  The two of you may break up, remain amazing friends, or you may get your dream guy back. But at least you will be honest with each other and yourself.  Make no mistake, people do change as they get older, move, get new jobs, find new hobbies, etc... it's if and how you change with them that will keep you strong as a couple.  Good luck, I hope this helps.

[Deleted User]

I think it's time for counseling for you two. That's not a bad thing, FI and I do it. You both need to speak up and be honest about how the living/working arrangements are affecting you. From there you can see what next steps need to be taken in order to keep you both happy.

6fsn

Put the wedding on hold.  You two need to sit down and discuss (with yourselves or with a third party) what you what in life.  He wants to move around and you want to be with family.  It kind of sounds like you may not have common goals or interests.  Love will ebb and flow, but it's those common areas that bring you back and keep you strong.

kerbohl

Long distance stuff sucks (out of a three year relationship, my FI and I have been long distance for 2), and sometimes this takes a toll on a relationship.  If you were apart for a year and then left everything behind to be with him, it is a huge adjustment for you, and it sounds like you resent him for making you do this.  It is good to be together in the same city with your families so that you can interact not just with each other but each others families.  Do you visit your family back home often enough?  If you are this angry at your FI for being so far away from your family, you may need to do more visits back home. 

Biting your tongue in this case will not work - trust me, I have been there, I know.  You have to have an honest conversation with him as soon as possible.  It might turn out to be something unrepairable, or it might turn out to be  a really easy fix, easier than you even know.  But it starts with talking to him about it!  Don't dread the conversations, as long as you think about what you want to say first and use "I" statements (ex. I feel disconnected from you, I feel like our relationship isn't what it used to be). 

I hope you figure things out, but do it soon, before you get married. 

ahanco

I try to visit home at least once a month, but sometimes it's hard because of finanaces. We're trying to pay of debts and pay for a wedding, so going home isn't alway an option with the budget.

I've tried talking to him about it before, but he just sits there and is silent or he tells me that there's nothing for him in our old city. I know he has a career to consider and it's hard for him to find anything there, so I feel bad for asking him to move back, althought that's what I really want to do.

The talks never seem to be fruitful. He doesn't seem to have any input, and I can't get him to open up and talk about it. 

I think maybe if I try to find a different job with the same hours as him, that maybe things will go back to normal, but there's no guarantee.

Ven&Radio

An important part of sharing a life with someone is compromise.  The #1 red flag for me from original post was that you find the thought of having sex with him to be repulsive.  That's not a good thing in someone you're going to spend the rest of your life with.  Now you say that when you've tried to discuss your concerns with him, he isn't willing to meet you halfway with any constructive ideas or positive changes.  I don't think finding a job where you're working the same hours as he is going to be the solution.  The PPs have given some sound advice in suggestion putting the wedding on hold and suggesting counselling.  You shouldn't make a life-long committment to someone when you're having issues like the ones you're describing.