Have a wedding or just elope and spend the money on a honeymoon?

Jules528

So Im new here and I have never posted before but I need some unbiased and experienced advice.

Backstory

My fiance and I have been engaged for 7 months, we havent set a date yet because his kids are out of the country with their mom (work reasons) for the next three years. We get them for a few months each summer. This is a second marriage for the both of us and we both have children. We are live a significant distance from each of our families and we have about 50 good friends and coworkers that live near us. My last marriage lasted 10 years and ended abruptly during the last months of my pregnancy with our second child. Long story short, my friends watched me go through a lot, and now that i have moved on and i am happy and engaged I feel like they still keep him at arms distance because of my past. My friends saw my ex do a 180, no one saw the divorce coming and after he left he cut contact with everyone. Most of them are my neighbors and he doesnt even wave when he comes to pick up the kids. 

So I feel like no one is excited for my wedding, I have repeatedly asked if anyone wants to go dress shopping or tnrown out ideas about venues and I get nothing. Short responses and subject changes or my best friend just slowly stops texting. 

So here is my question...

 Do we throw a wedding and hope for the best and waste a bunch of money hopeing people show?

Elope and just go on a nice honeymoon and possibly push my friends further away?

Or have a destination wedding with family hopeing that the other side of the family can make the trip?

I would love to have a nice small wedding, because its something neither of us had with our previous marriages, but I would hate to spend a bunch of money and only have a handful of guests show up.... What would you do?

Thanks in Advance

tawillers

I feel like there is more to this than you are telling.

Are you sure your friends' feelings stem from your past with your ex or the fact that this is a second wedding for both you and your FI?

Your friends should be able to recognize that you are happy, so it's kind of confusing to think that they won't get close to your FI because of what your ex did.

It makes more sense that the fact that this is a second wedding means less hoopla.  That may be harsh, but a lot of people feel this way.

I would plan the small wedding you want and invite your friends and family.  Plan the food and entertainment based on your rsvps, just as you would do with any other event.

Heffalump

If you both truly want a small wedding, then you should be able to do without "wasting a bunch of money" and it should be compatible with your handful of guests (give or take).

Destination wedding:  it depends on how badly you want the other side of the family there.  I've seen on here, hoping people can show up for a DW often ends in disappointment.

Eloping doesn't sound like it would break your friends' hearts, but if you'd prefer a small wedding, don't elope.

Honestly, just because people aren't that into your wedding planning, it doesn't mean they won't show.  Frankly, unless it was my dearest friend in the world, I probably wouldn't accept a general invitation to go wedding dress shopping at this stage of my life.  There's just too much else going on.

fmbyo

Me? I'd spend the money on a kickass honeymoon. It sounds like that's what you're leaning toward anyway.

I'm also curious what happened. Did xH get into drugs? Take a blow to the head? Meet "the one" and decide to run off with her? Figure out he's gay? Win the lottery secretly?

Jules528

Well back when the ex and i were together our friends, including us, 6 couples, were all highschool sweethearts. My ex and I met in the military when we were 18 and 19 and pretty much were married a few years later. So in a way I may be putting the feelings on myself because not only is it my second marriage but I am the only one of us that is on this path now, it could also be that us being so close they dont know how to react to it..maybe?

I didnt ask them all in general to go dress shopping, just one of the girls that i am the closest to. We used to do everything together, even family dinners on random days of the week. These girls, these couples are like family to me. It may be the military aspect of our lives. All of our families live far away and we have all lived in the same area for the last 6 years, so we are all very close. In military years that is a very long time.

I wish I had some great reason why my ex called it quits but I really dont. I know there were other women towards the end, well at least one that I know of for sure, but he is a completly different person now. Even with our daughter who was a huge Daddyys girl, he hardly ever sees or calls her. Our son hardly even knows him and with him still being in the military he has missed most of his life and milestones.

Yes I kind of am leaning towards a nice honeymoon, but I would like to share our happiness with our friends and family for a day. I should clarify what I said about wasting money on a wedding, I dont think its a waste. I just dont want to be dissapointed I guess and later wish I had spent the money on something else.... like shoes 

fmbyo

You know - you could always have your kickass honeymoon and then have a reception type dinner - ask people to just bring themselves. It doesn't have to be super spendy - you could even do something at your home - to celebrate with the people you love. KWIM?

Jules528

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_have-a-wedding-or-just-elope-and-spend-the-money-on-a-honeymoon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2d4c77a1-e3ef-4914-8047-61daf5f67cccPost:a706531d-1b46-4fb2-9910-b9c506a30771">Re: Have a wedding or just elope and spend the money on a honeymoon?</a>:
[QUOTE]You know - you could always have your kickass honeymoon and then have a reception type dinner - ask people to just bring themselves. It doesn't have to be super spendy - you could even do something at your home - to celebrate with the people you love. KWIM?
Posted by fmbyo[/QUOTE]

<div>That actually sounds like a great idea to get the best of both! It had crossed my mind to have a wedding at my home which is pretty nice, but i had envisioned wearing a dress and trying to have all the hoopla here, which sounded like a lot of clean-up lol.</div><div>But just having a "HEY WE GOT MARRIED COME PARTY WITH US" celebration sounds like a great low maintenence alternative. Having a buffet or dinner at home is probably more cost effective aswell. </div><div>Thanks for the advice, I feel a little less crazy about it! </div>