Hospital visitors (WWWWD?)

Heffalump

Have we discussed this here?  What is your position on having people visit you in the hospital?

For those who don't remember, I didn't want FIL and his wife visiting me in the hospital.  They showed up anyway, DH rolled over, I was pissed.  (So pissed, in fact, that we spent the better part of one of our subsequent marriage counseling sessions discussing this incident.) 

I was exhausted (because DH woke me up while I was napping the day before DD was born, I couldn't get back to sleep, went into labor, ended up admitted to the hospital late that night, didn't sleep much, then, you know, gave birth), and then hardly got any rest between having her vitals checked, mine checked, housekeeping, dropping off food, picking up food, the lactation consultant, etc.  I just wanted to spend time with my baby, try to figure out how to get food into her, and maybe rest for a couple of minutes here and there.  (Although their first of two hospital visits did yield DH's and my favorite FIL quote from that time; on seeing DD for the first time: "She's beautiful!  I'm shocked!")  

Is this weird of me?  Am I in the minority, is everyone else fine with having people in and out of their hospital room?  I think I would have been okay with my mom stopping in, but of course DD was born while my mom was out of town at a funeral (and she never lets me forget it).  

I told DH that this time, only he and DD are allowed in my hospital room, and everyone else is welcome to visit whenever they like once we're home.  Is this reasonable?  I feel like I have good reasons, and not to be a Birthzilla, but I feel like this should be my call.   

GBCK

I think it's reasonable.

I think relationships determine a lot of this.  Even when I had non-baby-surgery-stuff, everyone came to see me in the hospital..and I just kinda didn't care.  I distinctly remember saying "I'm tired", pushing my morphine button, and rolling my head away and falling asleep--while 4 or 5  people were mid-visit.  (they were OK w/ it, and I didn't care any how :-P)

But if it's someone who I have to be 'on' for, I wouldn't have that same tolerance.  Actually, now that I think about it, I told the Mr. that his grandmother was NOT PERMITTED to come visit me.  Because I lacked the strength to have a brain/mouth filter and I didn't need to be told how awful I looked.

VarunaTT

I am always appalled at how many people go visit someone in the hospital.  If you were there long term, that's one thing.  But really, less than a week?  They're IN THE HOSPITAL, they're sick, they' re undergoing surgery, they feel like crap, etc. They don't want to play host to you.

So, I think you're totally reasonable.  I think with a baby, I'd be more inclined to say, "Come see me at X time", just b/c I'd want to be aware of their grandparents/family excitement as well, but other than that defined moment, people need to stay the hell away.

6fsn

I liked having visitors, but I was in an entirely different situation.  With 6let I was in there for 2 days then had a c/s.  I was BORED.  It was an itty bitty hospital and this was pre-kindle and wifi.  I'd also already spent 2 days there that year.  With the others I had a good night's sleep before and everything was scheduled out and I was there for awhile. 

I found it easier to kick people out of my room in the hospital and nobody really wanted to stay long.  I also didn't have to worry about how clean things were.

That said this IS your decision.  I think it could be hard to say "my mom can come, but yours can't." 

TheMrsC23

I don't think you're being unreasonable and what you want should be respected. 

I had visitors.  My mom and sister, my IL's, A's mom and sister.  The first day, I was so out of it that it really didn't matter.  The second day, my mom came back and my other sister, BIL, and nephew visited.  All visits were low-key. 

Also, I was left alone with DefConn for quite a chunk of time day 2, as DH left to shower and get a few things from the house.  

But if your potential visitors are going to cause stress, then they need to just not be there. 

tawillers

I didn't mind visitors, but everyone was very respectful and didn't overstay their welcome.  Also, I really like all of my family and DH's mom was on good behavior.

I agree with what 6 said about it being hard to say this person can come but this one can't, but it sounds like you aren't having anyone, so there shouldn't be any butthurtedness.

It's completely your decision.  I don't think that you are being unreasonable.  Having visitors at home only will be easier and you'll be feeling better after a few days.

Wzz

i think it's reasonable, but expect an argument. and i think your wish should be respected.

i wanted visitors, and was a little sad i didn't get as many as i expeced. if i knew that people weren't going to show up when they said they were going to, i could have planned my privacy out a little better. i LOVED having people visit me, but that's just me.

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_hospital-visitors-wwwwd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:db764c28-5bb1-421c-beae-eb3709a5a1e3Post:549f90f2-67a9-4070-9b5a-4fb07edd551d">Re: Hospital visitors (WWWWD?)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it could be hard to say "my mom can come, but yours can't." 
Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]
In theory, yes; in practice, his mom is deceased, so if she shows up, I will wig the fcvk out.  :)

MNNEBride

I think it's somewhat unreasonable to deny grandparents visiting in the hospitial.  However, I don't know your family or ILs and your relationship with them.

Whatever you decide, you and your H need to be on the same page and you need to be confident that he'll back up the decision you made together.  Because of what happened last time, I can see your FIL and wife showing up regardless of your wishes being known, and expecting to see you and the baby.

Wzz

why not just tell them the kid is born on the day you plan to head home from the hospital? this way they won't have a chance to even see you there. i don't know if you will have a c/s or go natural, but you'll be out pretty quick if all goes well anyway.

*Barbie*

you're the patient, you make the rules. I don't care that he's the dad - you'll be the one pushing a baby out of your vagina/getting it cut out of your uterus, so you get to decide who is there. 

When DK and I discussed having kids (before we realized we'd be halfway across the country when it happend) I told him that I didn't want his (local) family to come to the hospital at all. They could come visit when we got home. He was supportive of that. (Hell, i even went as far as to suggest that he didn't even tell them that I went into labor. we'd call them post birth, or even after we were discharged.)

I don't think i would have wanted my mom or dad there either. 

For the week that I was hospitalized with the preeclampsia, i would likely have been cool with some visitors because i was bored and on bed rest. even getting up to pee in my toilet hat was exciting. after 30 hours of labor and the emergency c-section, and the baby in the NICU, I was perfectly happy only having DK there. I didn't even get to see or hold her for the first 24 hours, so I'd have been PISSED if anyone other than DK and the medical team had gotten to see/hold her before me. 

we had friends in town when i had wolverine, so they came to visit the day i was discharged, and they went into the NICU to see her - so i was cool with that. I had been at the hospital for 11 days and was ready for something different. 

if we have any more, and the birth isn't a surprise (early), I think my mom (and possibly dad) will fly in to help take care of wolverine while I'm in the hospital. I'd probably be cool with them visiting 24-48 hours after in that situation, but NOT during labor or the day of the birth. 

hmonkey

i can't believe the two of you are having this discussion, inasmuch as you spent time in marriage counseling over it.  What was the outcome of that?

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_hospital-visitors-wwwwd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:db764c28-5bb1-421c-beae-eb3709a5a1e3Post:bb9656ed-6a03-4ce8-a68a-c46134c7bba8">Re: Hospital visitors (WWWWD?)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's somewhat unreasonable to deny grandparents visiting in the hospitial.  Posted by MNNEBride[/QUOTE]

Why is that?  Genuinely curious, not looking to pick a fight.  From my perspective, I can't see why it's such a big effing deal that they can't wait 48 hours until we get home, but admittedly, that's only my perspective. 

And yeah, part of it is the fact that I don't really super-like FIL, especially after crap like saying he hopes this one is a boy after DD announced her impending big sisterhood.  Can I say FU x a billion again?

ETA:  FIL's personality'lack of tact are not the driving factor in my decision--I really don't feel like hosting <em>any</em> visitors when I'm in the hospital.  But his behavior hasn't exactly changed my mind, either.

hmonkey

NOW I AM MAD ALL OVER AGAIN TOO.

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_hospital-visitors-wwwwd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:db764c28-5bb1-421c-beae-eb3709a5a1e3Post:3aa35622-82f1-4927-8ea1-13cc15da85a0">Re: Hospital visitors (WWWWD?)</a>:
[QUOTE]i can't believe the two of you are having this discussion, inasmuch as you spent time in marriage counseling over it.  What was the outcome of that?
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

As far as I can recall, it had something to do with DH not being the one to decide how I should feel about something (it wasn't a big deal to him, therefore he thought it shouldn't have been to me), the importance of "hearing me" ("she needs to hear what she's saying, whether or not it's as important to you as it is to her") and then devolved into why he is so eager for his father's approval, the long term consequences of the borderline-negligent parenting he received ("what I'm hearing is that because your father didn't pay much attention to you, you felt that you always had to be 'perfect' and agree with him and be a 'good little boy' to try to earn his love"), etc.  And then ding, time's up.

AuntFlo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_hospital-visitors-wwwwd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:db764c28-5bb1-421c-beae-eb3709a5a1e3Post:628e3384-9883-483c-81f8-c710428c74ba">Re: Hospital visitors (WWWWD?)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hospital visitors (WWWWD?) :  .  <strong>And then ding, time's up.</strong>
Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]
Time is always up right when you're finally getting somewhere.  :/

*Barbie*

you can always tell the nurses no visitors. they should respect your wishes. 

DG1

Your vagina and tits, your rules. 

I was all about zero people on day 1, whoever on day 2. But we don't have huge families, so it wasn't like I was going to have 50 counsins in and out. I was also in the hospital for 4 nights with each c/s, so asking (perfectly kind, loving) grandparents to wait a week seemed cruel and unnecessary.

If I were doing the vag thing and would be home in a day or two? Hell no. Do your bonding and get some sleep. 

MNNEBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_hospital-visitors-wwwwd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:db764c28-5bb1-421c-beae-eb3709a5a1e3Post:6f0d44be-d470-4495-8ecf-f591c126d1e7">Re: Hospital visitors (WWWWD?)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hospital visitors (WWWWD?) : Why is that?  Genuinely curious, not looking to pick a fight.  From my perspective, I can't see why it's such a big effing deal that they can't wait 48 hours until we get home, but admittedly, that's only my perspective.  And yeah, part of it is the fact that I don't really super-like FIL, especially after crap like saying he hopes this one is a boy after DD announced her impending big sisterhood.  Can I say FU x a billion again? ETA:  FIL's personality'lack of tact are not the driving factor in my decision--I really don't feel like hosting any visitors when I'm in the hospital.  But his behavior hasn't exactly changed my mind, either.
Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

I think grandparents have great anticipation of the birth of a grandchild and generally want to see everyone as soon as possible.   To deny them that access just seems unfair.  But, as I said before, your preference and relationship with the ILs may make this a reasonable request. 

hmonkey

[QUOTE]As far as I can recall,<strong> it had something to do with DH not being the one to decide how I should feel about something (it wasn't a big deal to him, therefore he thought it shouldn't have been to me)</strong>, the importance of "hearing me" ("she needs to hear what she's saying, whether or not it's as important to you as it is to her") and then devolved into why he is so eager for his father's approval, the long term consequences of the borderline-negligent parenting he received ("what I'm hearing is that because your father didn't pay much attention to you, you felt that you always had to be 'perfect' and agree with him and be a 'good little boy' to try to earn his love"), etc.  And then ding, time's up.
Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

this is instant, 0-60 argument in my house.  sometimes dh forgets and says, " aww, don't be mad."  and then he regrets it because i go from being mad about whatever situation to being mad at him for telling me how to feel.

VarunaTT

DH and I get into this one as well.  We also get into the, "fine, it's not important to you that this and this be done, but it IS important to me, so it should be done".

Even though I love him, sometimes I wish I had my own house and he had his own house.  He could visit as often as possible, but I could run it every single little bitty itty way I want to in my dearest heart of hearts without compromise.

hmonkey

[QUOTE]DH and I get into this one as well.  We also get into the, "fine, it's not important to you that this and this be done, but it IS important to me, so it should be done". Even though I love him, sometimes I wish I had my own house and he had his own house.  He could visit as often as possible, but I could run it every single little bitty itty way I want to in my dearest heart of hearts without compromise.
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

we do "if it's that important to you, you do it."  sometimes this causes me to stop doing something halfway through, whether it's something i don't care that much about or whether i think he should be putting the effort into.

VarunaTT

I can honestly say that this argument is 100% about housework.  He is terrible about doing it, period, much less the way I want it done.  Now that the house has grown the way it has, it's a bigger deal than when I could handle it all by myself.  

My compromise is that he has to help with it and it has to be actually clean and things put away, not just shoved into rough swipes with your hand, things shoved into cubbies, corners, other rooms or under the bed where it's not visible (I'm exaggerating, but that is what it feels like sometimes).  I've reached my level of compromise downwards, he can come up now.

I remind myself he's doing better (and he is doing lots better now, this has been going on for a year, [so much is so related to this damn depression]) and I should encourage that and thank him, rather than browbeat him for not being at 100 yet.

VarunaTT

also

THUNDERJACK.

ETA: POSTJACK even.

This big project is killing my brain.

lyndsay782

You know, I'm of the mind set that when I'm giving birth, I want FH and the medical team there. THAT'S IT. My FSIL allowed my FMIL, and the other FSIL in the room, plus her mom and her husband, and that's just too many people for me. It was her second, so she was a little more comfortable, but I think she was also too passive agressive to say no.  I don't have that issue.  I have no trouble standing up for myself.  

Now, after birth, as long as they let me have a couple of hours to sleep and maybe comb my hair, they can visit.  But not all day.  Not even close.  And visits once I get home require a phone call.  No surprise pop-overs.  I have too many judgmental current/future family members to deal with.  If you want to come over, give me a heads up so I can at least hide the dirty dishes.  That way you can't talk crap about me later.  

And if one person gives me crap about breastfeeding or not breastfeeding like they did to poor FSIL (including the FMIL I actually like), see notes about the birthing room.  I'll will tell you where to put your advice. My boobs are my business.  

loveshine1

I was annoyed that H told his parents that I was in labor with A, but luckily they stayed away until I was ready to see them.

I loved having visitors in the hospital. Not my in laws per say, but I was happy that all of my friends came to see me that day.

I've already told H that after I have this one, what happened with A will not happen again. His parents and grandparents will not be stopping by daily for hours on end to visit.