Wedding Etiquette Forum

Faux Pas Issues

Hi Ladies-

There have been a lot of people posting about friends, family members, etc. committing MAJOR etiquette faux pas.  I was wondering if anyone actually steps in and tries to guide them, gently, away from doing the rude things, so the bride doesn't look like a rude, gift grabby, selfish bride, and not have their friends and family talk about them behind their back.

Just yesterday, some nurses and I were talking and she was mentioning her upcoming wedding.  She was saying that they have lived together for 9 years,,etc etc, we know the story, and they were excited about doing a honeymoon registry instead of a regular registry.  I saw a two other people kinda squint, obviously biting their tongues.  So I mentioned that I have gotten excellent advice on The Knot, and have learned that honeymoon registries are actually considered rude, and suggested she check out the website.  She did, and at the end of clinic, she stated she had NO IDEA the general public viewed honeymoon registries like that because the media makes them seem like the "new IT thing to do".  She thanked me and decided absolutely no honeymoon registry. 

I just felt it was better to try to direct her, instead of everyone talking bad about her behind her back.

 Anyone else have success directing brides away from the "dark side" of etiquette fouls????

Re: Faux Pas Issues

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    I tried telling my cousin that planning a wedding with a gap was not the best idea.  (She wants to do it for pictures, since they aren't having a first look, and it's not a "big deal" because "the church is 45 minutes away from the reception anyway.")

    I even gave her anecdotal evidence about my FI's relative's wedding with only a quarter of the people coming to the church, and she just got mad and said that anyone who cares about her will come.  

    She's generally being rude to her guests/bridal party, and it seems as though she's not able to be reasoned with.  (Didn't ask our budget & picked out a short BM dress for a January wedding that we had to buy a YEAR early, and I had to drive 4 hours to get fitted for; the wedding is on a ski resort, so the room rates are really high for her venue; she's expecting us to throw her a plated meal for the bridal shower - in a town that's an hour and a half from every one that would be invited to said shower.  Not that it matters, but she's in my wedding as well and my shower is basically going to be a backyard BBQ, even though I expressed that I didn't want to put the stress of catering a shower on our family members.  They decided that's what they wanted to do, though, so I can't tell them otherwise.  But apparently she thinks she can?)
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    I've never known about faux pas before they have been committed.  If  was close with the bride, I would say something privately, if not...I wouldn't mention it most likely only because someone people get very defensive, and if Im not a close friend, it may come off as rude me telling the bride she is rude.


    June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!

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    itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I've talked multiple friends out of doing "B-List" and "Dance only" invitations.

    Other than that, I try to lead by example whenever I'm a bridesmaid by just saying NO to crazy bridezilla requests. i.e. paying $$$$ for their showers/bachelorettes, spending every waking hour of their wedding day with them, "required' hair and makeup that the bridesmaids are to pay for, etc.
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    I have tried with my one friend to guide her away from certain rude things.  But after her Mom jumped down my throat for saying that not inviting the SOs of the co-workers the bride works with is inconsiderate, I backed away slowly.  Apparently her Mother's argument was "Not everyone (meaning me because I had just gotten married not long before) can afford to invite everyone's SO".  My response, "well then I guess you should start making some cuts from the guest list so you can include them."  A dirty look was given and that was the last thing I ever said about anything rude being done.

    So now I just vent to my H about all the things that are against etiquette and that drive we crazy about her wedding plans.

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    Most people don't react well to even 'gentle guidance', unfortunately.  I usually just bite my tongue and avoid the drama.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten



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    None of my family/friends really make major faux pas.   We always have open bars, appropriate food for the time of day (mostly full meals, regardless of the time of the ceremony).  Tables/chairs for everyone at the reception. No dollar dances or money trees.  Gifts for showers. Money is generally give at weddings, but it's not formally requested.  No one puts in registry info in the invites.  No one makes ridiculous demands on guests attire and such.

    I have had friends in the islands not have enough seats for the ceremony.  It's really a big deal for us.There are always empty chairs.  We are all bartenders, wait staff chefs, boat captains/crew and on our feet all day.  It's not a big deal for us to stand for a 10 min beach wedding.  We always leave seats for the state-siders to sit.

    Now I have acquaintences/co-workers in the islands who made faux pas that would side-eye a lot of people on here.  For example, most weddings start at least a hour late (one was almost 2 hours).  200 people trying to fit into a 100 person venue  Not enough chairs for everyone, asking for money on the invite.  My favorite is when the GUESTS bring their own to-go containers for their family/friends who could not make the reception.  It's not like they get the food at the end of the night.  Nope, they make the to-go plate at the same time as the other guests get their food.   It's a cultural thing so I never felt the need to correct them.

    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    Unless you are directly asked, I think it is always rude to tell people that their plans are rude.
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    It would have to be someone I was really close to or a friend that I knew wouldn't get offended if I suggested something. My sister or brother? Oh yeah, straight up I'd tell them if something was rude. My sorority sisters? Yep, I'd tell them too, albeit a bit more politely. Someone at work? Eh, not so much probably, unless I knew them really well.
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    I recently told a former student her bridesmaids didn't have to help her (she was complaining about one) and that she was a fool for having invited more people than her venue holds (she was getting nervous as the RSVPs were coming in with "yes" by the dozens). I had no idea she had invited over capacity or I would have tried to stop that long ago. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    I have, but with absolutely no success.  And it was all related to my wedding and involved my mother and her very strong opinions.  She insisted I put "no gifts please" on the invitations.  My 60 year old sister did that when she, like me, got remarried.  My sister also had a tiered event [100 at the ceremony, 150 at the reception].  And she had a cash bar.

    My nephew got married a couple months before I did.  After their ceremony, the bride & groom, their enormous bridal party and close friends left on a party bus.  The rest of us went to the reception site for cheese & crackers.  The party bus was gone for over 2 hours.  Dinner wasn't served until close to 9:00 p.m.  Ours was served closer to 10:00 as there were 400 guests and we were in the "cheap seats".  My kids were exhausted.  Mom was pissed when we left right after dinner because "that's rude".

    When I married the first time, many years ago, my mother and her friends hosted a couples' shower.  Guests were told how much money to contribute, then it was pooled for a big gift [a BBQ grill].  A couple days after, mom called to tell me who didn't pay up so I wouldn't send them a thank you note.  I shudder looking back on all that nonsense.
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    In Response to <a href="">Re: Faux Pas Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think it's hard to lightly tell someone who is already dead set on their plans that what they are doing is rude. But it depends on who you're talking to and how it was/is brought up. And the best way is to lead by example. I have had a few people try to tell me to do things against etiquette for our wedding. i.e. FMIL tried to tell us that we didn't have to invite a few guest's SOs so that we could cut back on the guest list. We weren't even trying to cut back the guest list, so that was weird. I tried to explain to her that it would be rude not to invite the SOs and she just didn't get it. So I used my FI and me as an example, I would be offended if FI was invited to a wedding and I wasn't. She said, well that's what happened with so and so's wedding, I had to call and ask if you could come. And I said, exactly, it was rude of them and just because other people do it, doesn't mean I should too. I *think* she got it at that point. But then FFIL came in the room and told me to forget what other people think and to have a money tree at the wedding because people are cheap and at our niece's baptism a couple of weeks ago they gave them the worst gifts. LOL, I told him we don't care about the gifts, all we care about is spending our wedding day with the people we love and that they enjoy themselves.
    Posted by MissKristenWed84403[/QUOTE]

    This is the same sort of thing I've been dealing with.  Our wedding is very casual and quirky, and I'm someone who hates being the centre of attention.  It's also pretty small because that's what we can host and a lot of my friends who love out of country can't come.  My FSIL wanted to throw a shower and I declined and she tried to insist because "you need to max out on gifts".  Um, no.  No I don't need to have a party to gift grub nor have I ever liked a shower anyway (just not my thing).  The fact she came right out and said that made my head spin.
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