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Seating plan

Oh deep breath.

Okay, so I'm cutting the guest list. I'm tired of pleasing people and it is just causing my fiance and I grief between us. His mother's co-workers are out, people that my fiance can't stand but his mother was on our case, there out.

I'm thinking about doing the head and parents tables differently. I'm not sitting his divorced parents together, I'm smarter than that. We have a "stage" at the venue, and I was planning on putting the bridal party up there, but I'm thinking of actually putting his mother's side up there. It's not a super high stage, it's like two steps up. Since she is so concerned about not sitting by her ex I'm trying to solve that problem. It's really important to my fiance's dad to sit with us. He is footing most of the bill for the venue, and those two are very close (call each other every day and talk about anything). My dad would like to sit with us as well.

I know this is going to sound rude, but here is my thinking. If I put her on the "stage" and make her feel like center of attention, I'm going to be much better off than making sure that her and her ex are not even facing each other. His step-dad has way to many kids and of course they are married or in a relationship, and of course her "whole" family has to sit together because they are not going to be by any of my fiance's family or even my family because she swears my mom is Jewish because my mom has dark skin and long black hair but she is from Germany!  Plus she is catholic. But anyway, I'm not dealing with the woman and her family anymore.

She was ragging on me how we can put down the guest tables for the dance, well we can put her tables down for the dance.

Re: Seating plan

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    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:b893ac6c-7aba-4d68-be6e-6c718f13c0ef">Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh deep breath. Okay, so I'm cutting the guest list. I'm tired of pleasing people and it is just causing my fiance and I grief between us. His mother's co-workers are out, people that my fiance can't stand but his mother was on our case, there out.[/QUOTE]

    I agree completely with this, especially since you've indicated below that FFIL is paying for most things.  However, if you've sent STDs to any of the above, you must still invite them, unfortunately.  If no invite or STD was sent already, cut away!


    [QUOTE]I'm thinking about doing the head and parents tables differently. I'm not sitting his divorced parents together, I'm smarter than that. We have a "stage" at the venue, and I was planning on putting the bridal party up there, but I'm thinking of actually putting his mother's side up there. It's not a super high stage, it's like two steps up. Since she is so concerned about not sitting by her ex I'm trying to solve that problem. [/QUOTE]

    As horrid a person as she sounds, don't allow her to make you into a catty Bridezilla, territory you're bordering on right now.  I know, believe me, that I would be seething and thinking the same way, but you also need to consider that by doing this much to essentially bow to her demands, you're setting a bad precedent and possibly giving her more fuel ("OMG, did you see how they isolated me on that stage?")

    [QUOTE]It's really important to my fiance's dad to sit with us. He is footing most of the bill for the venue, and those two are very close (call each other every day and talk about anything). My dad would like to sit with us as well. I know this is going to sound rude, but here is my thinking. If I put her on the "stage" and make her feel like center of attention, I'm going to be much better off than making sure that her and her ex are not even facing each other. His step-dad has way to many kids and of course they are married or in a relationship, and of course her "whole" family has to sit together because they are not going to be by any of my fiance's family or even my family because she swears my mom is Jewish because my mom has dark skin and long black hair but she is from Germany!  Plus she is catholic. But anyway, I'm not dealing with the woman and her family anymore. She was ragging on me how we can put down the guest tables for the dance, well we can put her tables down for the dance.
    Posted by grizzly04[/QUOTE]

    To me, here's the reasonable part of her request:  not sitting with her ex-husband.  If I were speaking to my mother, I imagine she wouldn't care to be at the table with my father, either.

    Does she know anyone else at that wedding besides you and her "whole family", as she puts it?  If so, her demand to have a monster table with her married new children is a great deal much.  If not, I think that's not super unreasonable. 

    Unreasonable demands:  to magically be placed where she doesn't have to SEE her ex-husband.

    Here's my advice:  don't do the stage thing for her and her extendeds.  They may not have a bad opinion, or hell, they may think she's unreasonable right now (if I were step-dad, I'd wonder why she's not over her ex, but that's me).  But if you do the stage thing, you may end up alienating ALL of them.  No good.

    Stage:  head table with you two, wedding party and your dads.  If FMIL doesn't like it, remind her she asked not to sit with her ex. 

    Put FMIL and her whole shebang at a big table near the stage, but perhaps angled in a way that you can seat FFIL at the end of a table where maybe she can choose a seat to minimize seeing him.  Have FI tell her politely that there is no way to make dad invisible and he loves both his parents, and you've accommodated in every reasonable manner.  If it's still not enough, then she's free to choose whether or not to attend.  But it's her choice and you'll be sad to not see her there.

    (I know, at this point, you probably won't miss her negativity, but be polite, right?)

    Breathe deep, go kiss FI, and let her go.  She's not worth it.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:dd1d97cc-642e-4645-9057-f042ed84ae2d">Re: Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am sorry, are you putting our fiancé's dad at your table, but not his mom, because he is paying?  I think divorced parents should be given separate tables, not with wedding party.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    I don't care who is paying, and I would love to have his mom and dad sit together, but she refuses to be in the same room as her ex-husband. My fiance's dad doesn't care, he moved on and can talk to her if he needs to. My fiance's mother on the other hand needs to get off of her broomstick.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:dd1d97cc-642e-4645-9057-f042ed84ae2d">Re: Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]The Knot group seems to me kinda pro-dad, and anti-mom.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
    I don't see how this is true at all. Every situation is different. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    I must not be making myself clear. I am going to give them two separate tables.I know better than that. His dad and family is going to sit with my family. She does not want to be in the same room as him. I was planning on having the head table, then my parents and his dad on one side and his mom on the other.

    I could let her have the head table and me sitting with the whole crowd and still would not be happy because his dad is there.
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    If I were in your situation, here's what I would do.  I would sit at a head table with my WP and their SOs.  I would also put my parents' table and H's dad's table very close to us.  I would put H's mom at a different table very far away from us (or on the small stage thing), as she has made it clear that she wants to be nowhere near H's father.  If she can't act like an adult for a few hours and even stand to be in the same room as her ex-husband, then she would be the one who needs to be seated far away.
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    From her OP:  "It's really important to my fiance's dad to sit with us. He is footing most of the bill for the venue, and those two are very close (call each other every day and talk about anything). My dad would like to sit with us as well."

    B&G WANT the dads to sit with them and offered mom to sit with them as well.  Her FMIL has been a PITA about everything and refuses to sit at the other end of the table away from her ex. 

    She isn't being asked to sit by him.  Maybe it's tougher for me to understand why she can't do this because my ex-h and I said (from the hour we decided to divorce) that we would never pull that BS on our girls.  At DD #1's wedding we sat shoulder to shoulder in the first pew.  We put our kids first, I have no patience for those who don't.  And......yes, he cheated on me.  Repeatedly.

    They want to sit with the dads and I see no reason why they should make them host their own tables to pacify PITA FMIL.  Keep the dads at the head table and give FMIL her own table to host. 
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    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:dd1d97cc-642e-4645-9057-f042ed84ae2d">Re: Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am sorry, are you putting our fiancé's dad at your table, but not his mom, at least partially because he is paying?  I think divorced parents should be given separate tables, not with wedding party, but this should likely be fiancé's call. The Knot group seems to me kinda pro-dad, and anti-mom.  I suspect if I had suggested the reverse, with my mom sitting with WP, I would have been flamed.  Oh well. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    <div>Of all the people to say this..... you're the one who constantly talks about excluding women from weddings for vindictive reasons (IE, Dad's new wife/GF because he used to cheat on your mother with her).</div><div>
    </div><div>And aren't you the one that suggested that someone sit their own mother at the back of the wedding just because she wore a black dress?  Publically shaming a woman who raised OP just because she wore a color she didn't agree with?</div><div>
    </div><div>Every time you come up with a way to spite some poor woman, we tell you "no that's bad etiquette."  HOW is that anti-mom?</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Wait, am I the only one that caught some anti-semitism in there?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:6e2871a3-52f8-4120-b2ef-6dff360fc03b">Re: Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wait, am I the only one that caught some anti-semitism in there?
    Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]



    I definitely caught that too. OP seemed to imply "thinking" her Mom is Jewish is the problem, not the idea that disliking someone for being Jewish would be a problem...
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:b72b7773-baef-4340-b603-8b6fed9d9059">Re: Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Seating plan : I definitely caught that too. OP seemed to imply "thinking" her Mom is Jewish is the problem, not the idea that disliking someone for being Jewish would be a problem...
    Posted by jennyd412[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>That's how I read it to. I'm confused about how FMIL thinking her Mom is Jewish had anything to do with anything. 

    </div>
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2013
    I know everyone is free to comment as they like, but Grizzly is having a hell of a time with this wedding planning. There is not one single thing going right for her, and she is miserable and on the verge of meltdowns daily. Can we please just hope the Jewish comment was not intended to be malicious and not dwell on that aspect of her post? If you've seen her posts, you know the last thing she needs is a bunch of people on here thinking she's an anti-semitic.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:b893ac6c-7aba-4d68-be6e-6c718f13c0ef">Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh deep breath. Okay, so I'm cutting the guest list. I'm tired of pleasing people and it is just causing my fiance and I grief between us. His mother's co-workers are out, people that my fiance can't stand but his mother was on our case, there out. I'm thinking about doing the head and parents tables differently. I'm not sitting his divorced parents together, I'm smarter than that. We have a "stage" at the venue, and I was planning on putting the bridal party up there, but I'm thinking of actually putting his mother's side up there. It's not a super high stage, it's like two steps up. Since she is so concerned about not sitting by her ex I'm trying to solve that problem. It's really important to my fiance's dad to sit with us. He is footing most of the bill for the venue, and those two are very close (call each other every day and talk about anything). My dad would like to sit with us as well. I know this is going to sound rude, but here is my thinking. If I put her on the "stage" and make her feel like center of attention, I'm going to be much better off than making sure that her and her ex are not even facing each other. His step-dad has way to many kids and of course they are married or in a relationship, and of course her "whole" family has to sit together because they are not going to be by any of my fiance's family or even my family because <strong>she swears my mom is Jewish because my mom has dark skin and long black hair but she is from Germany! </strong> Plus she is catholic. But anyway, I'm not dealing with the woman and her family anymore. She was ragging on me how we can put down the guest tables for the dance, well we can put her tables down for the dance.
    Posted by grizzly04[/QUOTE]

    WTF?! Okay, 1) like some PPs have pointed out this makes you sound anti-Semitic and 2) There are people who are Jewish AND from Germany those are not mutually exclusive things.


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    It sounds like it's FMIL being anti-semetic (IE not wanting to sit near Grizzly's mom because she thinks her coloration makes her Jewish).

    That's how it reads to me.  
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:fc4b1281-3a7c-4cfb-81a8-4bad5f329e05">Re: Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds like it's FMIL being anti-semetic (IE not wanting to sit near Grizzly's mom because she thinks her coloration makes her Jewish). That's how it reads to me.  
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto.</div><div>FMIL seems to think that because MOB is from Germany and has dark skin and hair she must be Jewish. That's on FMIL, not Grizzly.</div>
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Anniversary 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:fc4b1281-3a7c-4cfb-81a8-4bad5f329e05">Re: Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds like it's FMIL being anti-semetic (IE not wanting to sit near Grizzly's mom because she thinks her coloration makes her Jewish). That's how it reads to me.  
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    <div>OP is that what you meant? That your FMIL is anti-semetic and dislikes your mom because she thinks she looks Jewish? </div><div>
    </div><div>What I and the others read into it was, "She's so awful because she thinks my mom looks Jewish." </div><div>
    </div><div>If it was the former and not the latter then I apologize for jumping on you. </div><div>
    </div><div>FWIW, I think you should sit with FFIL and put FMIL across the room. As PP's said, if SHE is the one refusing to sit with her ex, she is making her own choice not to sit with you.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:9f8126fc-d4c3-4c09-8555-945fab5f2698">Re: Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]Grizzly, the facts of life are, at an older age, is it MUCH easier for a man to remarry than a woman.  Sorry that some people do not have compassion.  Standard is putting divorced parents at separate tables. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

       Please stop putting your personal issues out as "etiquette". Not all divorced parents behave badly around each other-especially at a child's wedding.Not all divorces are the man's "fault"., Her FMIL clearly wants to sit with her family including her step-kids-not with the WP. The dad wants to sit with the WP aside from the fact that he's paying.
      
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    I'm Jewish and don't read her comment as anti-Semitic-at least not on Grizzly's part (although her FMIL sure sounds like she is).

    That said, you could seat yourselves, your dads, and your wedding party members and partners on the stage and put your FMIL and her "whole family" in another part of the room.  That would be a completely fair and "compassionate" (to the ones who deserve it) solution.  I'd feel "compassion" for the FMIL if she'd recognize that this occasion is not about her and her divorce and stop trying to make it about those things.
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    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:b72b7773-baef-4340-b603-8b6fed9d9059">Re: Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Seating plan : I definitely caught that too. OP seemed to imply "thinking" her Mom is Jewish is the problem, not the idea that disliking someone for being Jewish would be a problem...
    Posted by jennyd412[/QUOTE]

    You are not the only person.   As soon as I read that, I began to hope that they were serving bagels and lox as the post-wedding brunch entree.  MMM bagels.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seating-plan-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b5032d6-7e97-41a0-ae10-d526a7c26b06Post:0a17c1b6-5515-4504-ae91-da5dc4569f67">Re: Seating plan</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Seating plan : This is what we are doing: (If format will let me) My mom and dad get along but my mother hates my step-mother.                                    Sweetheart table My Mother's table                                  My Father's Table                                   FI family's table All on the same row but FI's table is back a little so it is easier to walk around. It is going to have a V/U look
    Posted by ans3f[/QUOTE]

    That is what I was thinking of. The original plan was to set the family and head table on the stage. I was going to have the head table going across and then the parents tables going up and down. Her side of the family equals his dads side and my parent's side together; so I was planning on putting his dad's side and my folks together. I talked to them about it and they said that they would be happy too. So then we have the little
    trolls at their own table.

    The whole Jewish comment made me very upset and my fiance was laughing at his mother asking how ignorant she is. He told her I don't care where her family is from as long as they are good people. His family has been trying to force me to the join the church and my fiance down right yelled at them and told them to stop getting on my case.
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