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Guest list nightmare

My fiance and i had agreed to have our wedding ceremony on the opposite coast from where we live and have a very small wedding with a larger reception back home to follow after the honeymoon.  Due to the ceremony location only my mom and dad will be attending from my side and i will not be having attendants.  My fiance however, without discussing it with me, asked a friend of his who i have never met to be his best man at the wedding and offered to pay ALL the travel expenses for he and his wife to come out for the ceremony.  I however cannot offer this for my best friend who would have been my maid of honor if we had the wedding where we live.  How do i approach the subject of this with my fiance i feel very hurt and betrayed by this.  Am i being reasonable in feeling that if we agreed i could not have attendants that he should not have a best man? And am i nuts feeling that it is inappropriate of him to have offered for us to pay the expenses for somebody i have never met to travel across country?

Re: Guest list nightmare

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    That would really bother me too. My suggestion is that you discuss this in a premarital counseling bc decisions surrounding money can cause a major strain on a relationship. Good luck!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-nightmare-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3edb287a-9e57-4761-9285-36fc71fff887Post:32a721b7-4503-4118-83c4-873fd79d14e1">Re:Guest list nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]Did you guys specifically have a conversation about paying for your friend's expenses to have her be MoH and he said no? I agree it's not cool for him to make that kind of monetary commitment without discussing it with you, but that's not an issue of "fair", it's an issue of money management and communication. However, I don't think it's at all out of line to ask to do the same for your best friend. ETA: and having not met this person has zero bearing on the situation. The first thing you need to do is sort out the actual issues from your emotional reactions before talking to him.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    He told me specifically not to invite the MOH to the wedding because of a personal issue he has with her significant other and he does not want them at the wedding.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-nightmare-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3edb287a-9e57-4761-9285-36fc71fff887Post:1866f7ca-623e-473c-b30a-a6ad3ebb7d8e">Re: Guest list nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]That would really bother me too. My suggestion is that you discuss this in a premarital counseling bc decisions surrounding money can cause a major strain on a relationship. Good luck!
    Posted by nda8414[/QUOTE]

    in this case its not a money issue its that he specifically did not want the MoH to be invited because of a personal issue
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    You need to work on communication with your FI, and I would suggest you do so before marrying him. Between him inviting people without telling you, promising them money without discussing it with you, and banning you from inviting your best friend to your wedding... I would be stepping back and considering couples counseling. 
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    If it's important to youthat your best firend be invited that is something you need to discuss with your fiance. it is totally separate from the money issue. it's unfair for him to try to control who you can be friends with.

    With regard to him offering to pay for his best man. this is only an issue if the two of you already have joint finance. I don't know how the two of you manage your money premaritially but if your finances are currently separate and he can afford to pay for his friend then that is his pierogative. If the two of you already have a joint accouint than that's a different story. it's totally uncool of him to make a financial commitment of that magnitude with communal money.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-nightmare-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3edb287a-9e57-4761-9285-36fc71fff887Post:a0d35cbd-7d2c-4579-84d1-a6d5527e1542">Re: Guest list nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]You need to work on communication with your FI, and I would suggest you do so before marrying him. Between him inviting people without telling you, promising them money without discussing it with you, and banning you from inviting your best friend to your wedding... I would be stepping back and considering couples counseling. 
    Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

    pretend I typed this out as well....
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    edited April 2013
    This doesn't sound like a healthy situation. FI bans you from inviting your best friend and then goes behind your back to invite AND pay for his own best friend? Please, please understand how seriously troubling that is. It makes your FI seem very controlling and inconsiderate. I suggest couples counseling before marrying this man. ETA: Also, please don't think I'm judging you or your relationship. I'm just honestly concerned for you based on the limited details you've provided in your posts.
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    I would be very hurt. He's being inconsiderate and controlling of you.

    It's inconsiderate that he created such expense and that he's violated the decision you made together to have no bridal party without consulting you.

    He's controlling you by trying to force you not to have your best friend at your wedding.

    Neither of these are okay and you need to address it with him.

    Are you happy with the way your wedding is otherwise? That only your parents can attend? Does he get to have his family? Are you both from the same area originally?


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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

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    I honestly believe that the BP and the groomsmen should be a decision that you each make separately. I do think FI should have at least mentioned it to you before he asked his BM since you did have an agreement, though.

    This situation, from what you've said, makes your FI seem very controlling - why on earth can't your best friend come to your wedding? I'm assuming her SO didn't try to kill him or anything. Assuming that your finances are somehow joint, it's troubling that he said he would pay for airfare for 2 people but not for your best friend and not talk to you about it before offering. Talk to your FI - with the airfare issue, maybe you can pay for his best man and your MOH that way each couple only has to worry about airfare for one. As for the rest, I think a clearer way of communicating is needed.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-nightmare-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3edb287a-9e57-4761-9285-36fc71fff887Post:df8841c4-9eab-44db-a0a9-c0bfbf603bc3">Re: Guest list nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]This doesn't sound like a healthy situation. FI bans you from inviting your best friend and then goes behind your back to invite AND pay for his own best friend? Please, please understand how seriously troubling that is. It makes your FI seem very controlling and inconsiderate. I suggest couples counseling before marrying this man. ETA: Also, please don't think I'm judging you or your relationship. I'm just honestly concerned for you based on the limited details you've provided in your posts.
    Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

    its a military issue of appropriateness with my best friend's SO because my Fiance is an officer and he is enlisted and works directly for him.  I have known the MoH my entire life and met my Fiance through her but 1 my Fiance could not take leave if her husband did and 2 they are not supposed to socialize outside of military functions
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-nightmare-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3edb287a-9e57-4761-9285-36fc71fff887Post:8f99dc1c-5c14-4045-8192-4225b5483cb3">Re: Guest list nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would be very hurt. He's being inconsiderate and controlling of you. It's inconsiderate that he created such expense and that he's violated the decision you made together to have no bridal party without consulting you. He's controlling you by trying to force you not to have your best friend at your wedding. Neither of these are okay and you need to address it with him. Are you happy with the way your wedding is otherwise? That only your parents can attend? Does he get to have his family? Are you both from the same area originally?
    Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

    I am from the west coast and he is from the east coast the point of the wedding and reception being on oopposite ends of the country was so that his family would be able to attend the wedding as i have almost no immediate family.  The reception to follow was to be for our friends and my extended family on the west coast.  Also as my FI is a military officer and the SO of the MoH is enlisted and works for him it would be seen as inappropriate for them to socialize outside of work.
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    In Response to Re:Guest list nightmare:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest list nightmare:This doesn't sound like a healthy situation. FI bans you from inviting your best friend and then goes behind your back to invite AND pay for his own best friend? Please, please understand how seriously troubling that is. It makes your FI seem very controlling and inconsiderate. I suggest couples counseling before marrying this man. ETA: Also, please don't think I'm judging you or your relationship. I'm just honestly concerned for you based on the limited details you've provided in your posts.Posted by NOLAbridealmostits a military issue of appropriateness with my best friend's SO because my Fiance is an officer and he is enlisted and works directly for him.nbsp; I have known the MoH my entire life and met my Fiance through her but 1 my Fiance could not take leave if her husband did and 2 they are not supposed to socialize outside of military functions Posted by kbarnett85[/QUOTE]

    You can still invite him even if he can't come. Also, just because her husband can't come doesn't mean that she shouldn't be able to.
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    <ul><li>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-nightmare-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3edb287a-9e57-4761-9285-36fc71fff887Post:e04f708b-f7c7-4ba9-895d-bc757f7897b9">Re: Guest list nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest list nightmare : I am from the west coast and he is from the east coast the point of the wedding and reception being on oopposite ends of the country was so that his family would be able to attend the wedding as i have almost no immediate family.  The reception to follow was to be for our friends and my extended family on the west coast.  Also as my FI is a military officer and the SO of the MoH is enlisted and works for him it would be seen as inappropriate for them to socialize outside of work.
    Posted by kbarnett85[/QUOTE]

    Your post isn't making sense to me. You originally said that she wasn't coming because he doesn't like her and you don't have the money to fly her there and you were upset

    I'm also confused that  FI and the SO work together but are a flight apart?</li></ul><p>I don't know a lot about the military but I know that several officers were at FI's cousins wedding. Her father (his uncle) is a general.</p>
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

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