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I've been avoiding the whole WP

Last year my friend asked me to be in her wedding at the beginning of August. I had a lot of stuff going on, so I didn't respond to her at first, but told her about a month later I could do it because I didn't want to leave her hanging. When I called her back she kind of seemed taken off guard like she had forgotten she asked me, but she sounded excited. After I accepted I realized that I still might not be able to go. Then she sent a picture of the dresses she and MOH and another BM had picked out when they went shopping for us all to choose the best one. I wasn't sure if I could still stick to the budget I had given her, so I didn't respond. I got a message from MOH about the planning of the brides shower and bachelorette party, and I don't know if I can come or even want to at this point, so I didn't respond to her either. Then I got a message from the bride with the order by date for the dress, but since everything else was up in the air, I didn't respond. The bride sent 2 messages since then asking me about whether or not I had ordered the dress. I just figured by now I'm out of the WP, but I just got a crappy text from MOH, who I was friends with up until now, basically saying I'm a sh!tty friend for not responding, because it's costing the bride extra money and stress since she "doesn't know whether I'm coming or not." Last I heard, I wasn't required to do anything but show up, so I don't know why she needs confirmation from me about every little thing, especially when she wanted us to get the dresses almost 5 months out. Is it too late to salvage this?

Re: I've been avoiding the whole WP

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    Why don't you reply when your friends contact you?  If you don't want to be in the wedding you should let the bride know.  You're correct, there is nothing you are required to do except show up in the dress, but if I were the bride/MOH I would be confused as to whether you're even doing that. 

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    I think you Should have at least responded, especially about ordering the dress. All you have to say is that you don't think you can help with the shower, etc.
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    harper0813harper0813 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited April 2013
    BMs usually order dresses about 5 months out because the dresses are made to order. And you aren't required to respond to every little question, but you should be responding to the emails. You are not required to plan the bachelorette party or shower, but you should respond to their questions. You're right - your only requirement is to show up, but you also have to show up in the bridesmaid dress and that seems to be one of the issues at hand. I hope the bride's choice of dress was within your budget.

    If you don't want to buy a dress or be a bridesmaid, tell your friend now rather than later. I would be frustrated too, if I were her. I know I'm hurt when a friend doesn't respond to me.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ive-been-avoiding-the-whole-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:42fea242-61e4-4971-afdf-1751a1606e74Post:ef6ceb91-3f15-44fb-906b-54e9de3a4808">I've been avoiding the whole WP</a>:
    [QUOTE]Last year my friend asked me to be in her wedding at the beginning of August. I had a lot of stuff going on, so I didn't respond to her at first, but told her about a month later I could do it because I didn't want to leave her hanging. When I called her back she kind of seemed taken off guard like she had forgotten she asked me, but she sounded excited. After I accepted I realized that I still might not be able to go. Then she sent a picture of the dresses she and MOH and another BM had picked out when they went shopping for us all to choose the best one. I wasn't sure if I could still stick to the budget I had given her, so I didn't respond. I got a message from MOH about the planning of the brides shower and bachelorette party, and I don't know if I can come or even want to at this point, so I didn't respond to her either. Then I got a message from the bride with the order by date for the dress, but since everything else was up in the air, I didn't respond. The bride sent 2 messages since then asking me about whether or not I had ordered the dress. I just figured by now I'm out of the WP, but I just got a crappy text from MOH, who I was friends with up until now, basically saying I'm a sh!tty friend for not responding, because it's costing the bride extra money and stress since she "doesn't know whether I'm coming or not." Last I heard, I wasn't required to do anything but show up, so I don't know why she needs confirmation from me about every little thing, especially when she wanted us to get the dresses almost 5 months out. Is it too late to salvage this?
    Posted by linclack[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I get the strange feeling that OP is trying to play Devil's Advocate with the board. Maybe trying to make a point that as a Bridesmaid just showing up isn't enough. A scorned poster maybe?</div><div>
    </div>
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2013
    You should have at least responded. You acted like it was just going to go away. I think you WERE being a crappy friend by leaving everyone hanging. 

    Judelle, good eye. It IS a little fishy. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Ignoring someone is being a bad friend. Yes, all you have to do is show up, but from what you've written, the bride has been careful to be courteous of you, not harrass you, and be a good friend. That's rare in brides nowadays, and for her troubles, you've treated her like she doesn't matter. Communicate! Let her in on the situation. She can't plan anything if you're just a big black whole that sucks up all questions and returns nothing. We very commonly get brides on here that are stressed in the extreme about this, and we tell them 'don't kick them out and be the rude one. Let them just not show up in the dress nd excuse themselves from the party that way. They'll be the bad guy then.'
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    I've just been dealing with a lot and couldn't deal with the added stress of her possibly being upset with me for dropping out of the wedding. Then it got to the point that I hadn't responded to her about anything at all since December when I said I'd be a BM, even like "what's up" texts because I was afraid the wedding might come up. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ive-been-avoiding-the-whole-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:42fea242-61e4-4971-afdf-1751a1606e74Post:2f9efdd1-c806-40cb-8de9-0709cc6d4135">Re: I've been avoiding the whole WP</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to I've been avoiding the whole WP : I get the strange feeling that OP is trying to play Devil's Advocate with the board. Maybe trying to make a point that as a Bridesmaid just showing up isn't enough. A scorned poster maybe?
    Posted by Judell789[/QUOTE]

    I started to respond and then didn't for just this reason. It feels like a very weird post...
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    Why don't you just talk to her about what's going on in your life and about how the wedding may be more than you can handle. If she's one of your best friends, you should be able to talk to her.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ive-been-avoiding-the-whole-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:42fea242-61e4-4971-afdf-1751a1606e74Post:2f9efdd1-c806-40cb-8de9-0709cc6d4135">Re: I've been avoiding the whole WP</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to I've been avoiding the whole WP : I get the strange feeling that OP is trying to play Devil's Advocate with the board. Maybe trying to make a point that as a Bridesmaid just showing up isn't enough. A scorned poster maybe?
    Posted by Judell789[/QUOTE]

    <div>Or I'm exactly who I said I am, and I'm trying to figure out what to do to salvage my friendship besides just randomly calling her or sending a message after ignoring her for so long. Your response is very dramatic. This is not a movie pitch, M. Night Shyamalan.</div>
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    I'm stressed out and having panic attacks about this now and I just want it all to be over.
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    manjermjmanjermj member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2013
    You aren't required to take part in any of the pre-wedding parties if you choose not to, but you should in fact respond to emails and texts to at least let the MOH and bride know that you are choosing to not participate.

    And to assume that by now you are out of the wedding party is just silly. The bride obviously cares for you as a close friend - that's why she asked you to be a bridesmaid. I'm sure she's just as confused as every one else as to why you aren't responding to anything.

    EDIT: The best thing to do, would be to pick up the phone and call your friend and discuss all of these things that you have been rudely ignoring.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ive-been-avoiding-the-whole-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:42fea242-61e4-4971-afdf-1751a1606e74Post:0e76b0c8-e8b0-49b4-800a-f25cf9932bb9">Re: I've been avoiding the whole WP</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I've been avoiding the whole WP : Or I'm exactly who I said I am, and I'm trying to figure out what to do to salvage my friendship besides just randomly calling her or sending a message after ignoring her for so long. Your response is very dramatic. This is not a movie pitch, M. Night Shyamalan.
    Posted by linclack[/QUOTE]

    Why do you want to salvage the friendship though? Clearly you were okay with ignoring her; what's changed? Why has she suddenly become important when before she wasn't even worth a ten-word email?
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    Addie, gif, if you please...
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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