Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

Cupcake Drama - How To Handle? (kinda long, sorry)

Since E is great at advice that prevents faux pas and talking down stressed brides, I'm coming here for advice on this one.

Our wedding is fairly small and DIY to minimize costs.  We would have waited longer to save more cash, but we genuinely are concerned that multiple family members won't make it much longer, like my dad, so we're going ahead in a week.

Ages ago, when planning began, FI's aunt was suggested by him as the person to approach to make our cupcakes.  She's incredible at cooking and baking and our thinking was, if she was willing, we'd love to have her do them as her gift (we're talking 3 dozen; I'm handling a batch of gluten-free cupcakes for myself and a few other gluten-intolerant guests).  She agreed, no problem.

Immediately, FSIL starts ranting constantly to FMIL about how our wedding will be ruined because aunt ruined HER wedding years ago by "not doing her cake right".  Her cake was a topsy-turvy layered deal and she claims it fell and was ruined because she didn't anchor it right.  FI was there at time of cake disaster and says the shelf in the fridge wasn't properly secured and was on a tilt when someone opened the fridge and out it slid.  All the anchors in the world can't save you then.  We ignore her rants.

A week aho, FMIL goes to aunt's house to visit with her, and comes back telling me her Lupus is awful now, that she's very unhealthy, etc.  I of course say, "Well, I'll bake them all myself.  She's sick.  I don't want her stressed."  FMIL offers to bake them instead because I am so overwhelmed already.  I gratefully accept, assuming she'll tell aunt to rest. 

FMIL then tells us two days ago that aunt has made a tasting batch of cupcakes (!) and we need to go over.  She then says she wants to BUY our cupcakes at a bakery and that WE have to tell aunt we don't want her help.  I ask FI to handle it since it's his aunt.  FI goes over there and aunt is FINE.  FMIL made it sound like she was wasting away to me (I was very scared!) and FI says she looks as she always has.  His mother is in early Alzheimer's so who knows?  (FI was a very late baby)  Aunt wants very much to do cupcakes still.  FI then finds out that FMIL took aunt grocery shopping for cupcake supplies, knowing full well she wanted us to NOT let her do them.

FI calls FMIL on her nonsense and she admits that FSIL's cake drama llama is why she really wants us to let her buy the cupcakes.  Hell, aunt's cupcake stand isn't even good enough for FMIL, who went and bought one without asking me or FI.

I've actually been a very low-key bride.  Our wedding's super informal and fun and this is more stress than anything else has been to this point, aside from $ obviously.  Angry Bride wants to tell both of them to not bother and do it all herself.  I have bake-happy friends who've offered a hand for the last week that could assist in whipping out 4 dozen cupcakes, no problem.  It would still be less stress than this nonsense.  Also... and this sounds kinda bad... I didn't dig the tasting cupcake much anyway.  Not up to aunt's usual standard.  Maybe she's not cupcake inclined? 

What do I do here?

CN:  FMIL and Aunt both want to make our wedding cupcakes solo (will not work together).  FSIL is tantruming over aunt supposedly ruining her wedding cake years ago and fanning flames.  Do I tell both to shoo and make them myself or some other option?

Re: Cupcake Drama - How To Handle? (kinda long, sorry)

  • Options
    I'd stop talking to FMIL about it and only talk to the Aunt. If she's close enough to offer to do the cupcakes, you should be able to pick up the phone and ask her directly.
  • Options
    The aunt has done nothing wrong, and should not be slighted by being booted from doing cupcakes.  They're cupcakes, not rocket-science.  It would take more skill to screw them up than to do them right.

    If I were to guess, I would say that FMIL went all high maintenance on auntie after demanding that she do the cake, and insisted on a cake that was way outside her skill level.  Being a good baker doesn't mean that you can do an artisinal wedding cake.  I could make you a damn-good tasting cake, but I can't make some weird abstract art peice defy gravity with icing.

    Have you FI express that it is NOT ok to circumvent auntie, and that you are not interested in being cruel to her.  Then stop sharing details with her.  She'll get the idea that her drama llama behavior isn't welcome, and doesn't get her way.  

    She may pitch a bigger fit, but go ahead and stand your ground.  You have to set a precedent now.  It starts with cupcakes, and ends with her trying to control how you raise your children unless you set boundaries now.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

  • Options
    In all honesty, I'm in the same boat with you except in the flowers department. I would just go buy the cupcakes or if they really want to do it that bad do 50/50. If not, then have your friends who have offered. This sister in law does not sound very nice if she ragging on about her cake several years later.
  • Options
    edited April 2013
    [QUOTE]<strong>If I were to guess, I would say that FMIL went all high maintenance on auntie after demanding that she do the cake, and insisted on a cake that was way outside her skill level.  Being a good baker doesn't mean that you can do an artisinal wedding cake. </strong> I could make you a damn-good tasting cake, but I can't make some weird abstract art peice defy gravity with icing. Have you FI express that it is NOT ok to circumvent auntie, and that you are not interested in being cruel to her.  Then stop sharing details with her.  She'll get the idea that her drama llama behavior isn't welcome, and doesn't get her way.   She may pitch a bigger fit, but go ahead and stand your ground.  <strong>You have to set a precedent now.  It starts with cupcakes, and ends with her trying to control how you raise your children unless you set boundaries now.</strong>
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    FMIL is actually very laid back in general, but she's a softie pushover when it comes to FSIL, who is the one still creating drama over 5 years later about a wedding cake.  She never demanded anything and I certainly don't want people to think that.  My own mother is a sociopath (no exgaggeration) and not in my life, and FMIL has always been very kind-hearted and generous to me.  I've called her Mom, full-stop, for the last 2 years, with her encouragement.  She's never told us how to live.  I honestly think that she's just bought into FSIL's drama as usual and means well - as in, doesn't want "the cupcakes ruined" as FSIL insists.  Good heart, bad choices, if that makes sense?

    [QUOTE]In all honesty, I'm in the same boat with you except in the flowers department. I would just go buy the cupcakes or if they really want to do it that bad do 50/50. If not, then have your friends who have offered. <strong>This sister in law does not sound very nice if she ragging on about her cake several years later.</strong>
    Posted by grizzly04[/QUOTE]

    They did offer 50/50 but it feels way complex.  (Resolution below)  As for FSIL, you've nailed it.  She's not nice.  She's still on about how her mother "abandoned" her as a young teen by sending her and her brother to live with their father for a few years while she tried to get on her feet in Canada.  And her feelings are valid, but I then say (as a social worker) process them already and heal, instead of wielding it as a lifetime drama card to throw down when you don't get your way.  It's been 30 years.  Brother who was also sent to Dad is not remotely like this.  FSIL is troubled in general and we avoid her all the time.  She's the sort who told us we're foolish for not having a wedding shower because "you get more presents if you have one."

    [QUOTE]I would agree with Pele, except you said you didn't like the cupcakes you tasted. You need to sit down with your FI, decide if you want aunt to make cupcakes or if you want to make/buy them yourself, then go from there. Leave FMIL out of it.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    We took your advice primarily (although everyone brought up important points to consider) and decided that my friends and I will do them all.  To spare Aunt's feelings, we're telling her that we didn't give enough notice of what kind we wanted and we're worried about her Lupus and just want her to come enjoy the day with us and have fun and that we of course will reimburse the cash spent on any supplies. 

    FI spoke to FMIL yesterday and told her that her drama starting wasn't appropriate and was creating undue stress.  She apologized profusely and indicated she never meant to make things more stressful for me, since she knows how stressed I am.  She also offered to help me bake, which he declined on my behalf.  She's not generally a drama fiend but FSIL is too good at stirring a pot and just bad news in general, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that she caused trouble somehow despite our politely declining all help from FSIL to this point. 

    Thanks, all! 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards