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Brother disinvited FI to his wedding, now I'm getting married...

Hi All,

First time poster here, wanted to get unbiased opinions on how to handle this situation (sorry for necessary background):

My now- fiance and I are getting married next month. We started dating in summer 2009, and became long-distance temporarily in Dec. of 2009. My brother and his wife got married in May of 2010 (I'm extremely close to both), and I was asked to be the "Best Maid". Obviously, my boyfriend (whom my family had never met before, he's from Germany) was invited as my +1.

Around March of 2010, my now-fiance and I broke up temporarily. I was meant to visit him in Germany, we broke up, so I went to visit my brother and his then-fiancee instead. I cried on his couch, ate ice cream, picked up the pieces. We were broken up for about a month before getting back together in April of 2010. When I told my brother that we were back together, and that we'd both be coming to the wedding (my fiance was coming from Germany for the wedding, and to spend a month with me in the US), my brother flipped. To summarize, his message was that my boyfriend had hurt me, he's never met him before and it would upset him and his wife too much to have my boyfriend at their wedding. 

We went back and forth for a few weeks, and I eventually said that the situation was too ridiculous for me to remain in the wedding party. Never in a million years did I expect the reaction from my brother, but he basically said "that was my choice." My fiance encouraged me to participate in the wedding, even though he wasn't welcome, in order to stop the bleeding between my brother and I. I did end up being "Best Maid", but cut my time short at the wedding in order to be with FI, and the whole situation has caused a long-lasting awkwardness between my FI and my brother. For what it's worth, both parties have been cordial and have tried to get to know each other, but it's not an ideal situation.

Cut to my wedding next month. I just heard from my mother (who knew the whole situation and was on my side) that my brother and his wife are "hurt and feeling left out" that we haven't included them more in our wedding (my brother is doing a reading, SIL is an usher). 

I don't want to rehash everything that's happened, but I also am pretty pissed that they're being so dense about this. Do I address it with them or let it go? 

Re: Brother disinvited FI to his wedding, now I'm getting married...

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    Just let it go.  Nothing good will come out of trying to hash it out.



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    Don't do anything.  Your brother is a grown-up- if he is feeling left out because you've asked him to do a reading, he can come and tell you himself.  And for what its worth if my sister spent time crying on my couch because some guy I'd never met dumped her, and then a month later she got back together with him, I don't think I'd uninvite him but there would certainly be a coolness!
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    Thanks for the responses so for. To clarify, I'm absolutely not trying to "punish" them at all- we're not having a wedding party (just MOH and BM), and we wanted to include each of our brothers by having them do readings, with our SILs acting as ushers. They're as involved as they can get as far as the ceremony goes. I just want to know if I should address that they're feeling left out (I assume they think I'm punishing them, even though I'm really not), or just ignore it.


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    Let it go. They don't need to be more involved, and what on earth are they looking to "be involved" with?  You've included him in the ceremony, even. Do they want weekly phone calls about wedding planning details or something?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    You have no obligation to include them in your wedding party. I think the way you're including them now is fine. Even if you ask them now to join your party, it would be an afterthought and still somehow insulting to them - so make this easy for yourself and keep things as they are, and don't bring them up. As Stage said, if they mention this to your face, remind them that they are included in your party and change the subject.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-disinvited-fi-to-his-wedding-now-im-getting-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ab8d73a-6c30-4df0-9b9a-a494057746daPost:bbee2f23-6c22-4703-ac0d-9ca812e81964">Brother disinvited FI to his wedding, now I'm getting married...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi All, First time poster here, wanted to get unbiased opinions on how to handle this situation (sorry for necessary background): My now- fiance and I are getting married next month. We started dating in summer 2009, and became long-distance temporarily in Dec. of 2009. My brother and his wife got married in May of 2010 (I'm extremely close to both), and I was asked to be the "Best Maid". Obviously, my boyfriend (whom my family had never met before, he's from Germany) was invited as my +1. Around March of 2010, my now-fiance and I broke up temporarily. I was meant to visit him in Germany, we broke up, so I went to visit my brother and his then-fiancee instead. I cried on his couch, ate ice cream, picked up the pieces. We were broken up for about a month before getting back together in April of 2010. When I told my brother that we were back together, and that we'd both be coming to the wedding (my fiance was coming from Germany for the wedding, and to spend a month with me in the US), my brother flipped. To summarize, his message was that my boyfriend had hurt me, he's never met him before and it would upset him and his wife too much to have my boyfriend at their wedding.  We went back and forth for a few weeks, and I eventually said that the situation was too ridiculous for me to remain in the wedding party. Never in a million years did I expect the reaction from my brother, but he basically said "that was my choice." My fiance encouraged me to participate in the wedding, even though he wasn't welcome, in order to stop the bleeding between my brother and I. I did end up being "Best Maid", but cut my time short at the wedding in order to be with FI, and the whole situation has caused a long-lasting awkwardness between my FI and my brother. For what it's worth, both parties have been cordial and have tried to get to know each other, but it's not an ideal situation. Cut to my wedding next month. I just heard from my mother (who knew the whole situation and was on my side) that my brother and his wife are "hurt and feeling left out" that we haven't included them more in our wedding (my brother is doing a reading, SIL is an usher).  I don't want to rehash everything that's happened, but I also am pretty pissed that they're being so dense about this. Do I address it with them or let it go? 
    Posted by karnera[/QUOTE]

    At this point a MONTH before your wedding I think that its time for what happened 3 years ago to be let go. Yes your now FI hurt you but what relationship doesnt come with a little hurt.? If you and your FI are over it (obviously) then your brother and SIL should let it go as well. Especially after they wouldnt allow you to being your FI as your +1...that was your bother's choice. And now that its your wedding its your choice and if he and your SIL arent super involved its too bad for them.
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    I don't agree with how your brother reacted at his wedding, but I understand the reaction. 

    Your brother and his wife were the ones that you went to when you were very hurt and helped you through it while listening to all of the negative things that happened through your relationship. It's hard to get that out of your head ...and hard not to shake your head after you get back together a month later.

    When FMIL was breaking up with her boyfriend, she told us everything about their relationship, how unhappy she was and how hurtful he was to her. We spent a month supporting her and helping her through it and then she got back together with him. So now we have this terrible opinion of her boyfriend from all the stuff she told us...and our opionion of her isn't so high because she put herself right back in that position. The process predictably repeated 4 months later.

    I know the end was different for you, but just try to imagine 3 years ago, that your brother and his wife were thinking about what they just learned of how your fiance hurt his sister.

    With that noted, they shouldn't be hurt by your choice to have a small wedding party. Don't address it, just move on. If he brings it up specifically I would just say that it didn't really have anything to do with them, just that your preference was to keep it very small.

    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

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