Wedding Etiquette Forum
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Help me not loose it

So, i posted about a sort of random shower invite I got yesterday.  Can be read here

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-need-to-send-a-gift

Today, FMIL called FI to see if I got an invite.  FI said yes one came in the mail for me.  Then FMIL and FFIL wantd to know if I was going.  FI (kinda of stupidly) said he didn't think I was going to attend because I didn't know this girl (or even her future husband).  Well, the in-laws started going on and to FI (while he's at work, btw) about how the groom is the son of really good family friends, and that ya know, they were originally going to married the same day as me and FI but moved their date, so I should really be going to this shower.

FI informs me that they might question me about this next time I see them (most likely tomorrow) even though he already told them he understands why I am not going to the shower.

First of all, neither myself or FI told these people to move their wedding date, it was the grooms mothers who forced them to change it because she needed to be able to attend mine and FI's wedding, and my FIL's needed to be able to attend her son's wedding.  So, sorry, I don't owe anyone anything for that.

Second, how I choose to respond to this event and use up my weekend time (shower is over an hour from where I live) and spend my money (whicn is limited) is no one's business but mine.  If they want to have an opinion about it, fine, but to seriously question me on my decision and/or guilt trip is garbage.

Any ideas on how to respond to them if the issue comes up?  I really don't want to blow my cool and lose it on them, but they are seriously overstepping the line here, and short of just walking away from the conversation and leaving their house I don't know how else to respond.  Oh and if they tell me to be sure to send a gift I'll smile and nod but sorry, no way in heck is that happening either, per the discussion in the previous post.

Re: Help me not loose it

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    No time like the present to set boundaries. You don't owe anyone an excuse, but since your FI already stood up for you and told the truth, stay firm in what he said. And go give your FI a kiss and tell him how much you appreciate him having your back :). (It's scary how many posters on TK write things about "crazy FILs w/out FIs who back them up)
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    "Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm not comfortable spending my limited money on someone I've never met."

    Don't engage in the conversation. However, I think you're getting worked up prematurely.
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    Sassenach1743Sassenach1743 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2013
    You have plans that day! Done. 

    No need to give details. If pressed, stay calm and don't budge. You have other plans that cannot be rescheduled (e.g. salon appt., wedding planning/vendor appt., work, etc.) and if they mention a gift just don't respond. 

    I totally understand your irritation and you are justified. So just don't play that game. Besides, are you invited to that wedding? Are they invited to yours? Probably not. And even if you/they are, it all sounds very political due to the parents being the two socially connected units (i.e. they are friends, not you!).

    Don't stress. 

    Anniversary
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    OP it sounds like you have a lot of potential plans, but FMIL does not need details.  I would talk with your FI and present a united front that they do not need to know every detail of your life.  Repeat "I have plans" as oftens as needed and "bean dip" as best you can.  i.e. "What are your plans?"  "They are plans."  "Can you reschedule?" "No." etc...Don't give in! Stand your ground!

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    I dont think you should talk about it with them at all. If they call you, tell them you're not going. If they press the issue tell them it's not up for discussion and cut the convo short. They don't get to guilt trip you just because they feel like it, and they are being rude.
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    Seriously, your FMIL would want to see your email registration for a race to prove that you actually have plans for that day?  You're going to have bigger problems than this one shower.
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    OP, make sure to give an update! "Like sands in an hourglass, so are the days of our lives" hehehe
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    Update: not sure if I FI said anything more to them (he was over there today before I showed up) but they did not bring up the issue at all, so I've dogded the bullet for now!
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    Oh wow, way to go FI!!
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