What to call the post-marriage "wedding"

waterfallchime

Thanks again for the responses to my previous post: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-etiquette-for-post-marriage-wedding  

I have a follow-up question. We're spending time with the couple this weekend and will be giving our congratulations and gift for their recent marriage. So far, I've been able to avoid discussing what they are calling their "real wedding," which is taking place in a few months. I doubt that will last, though, since it always comes up when we talk with them for very long. 

What should I call this event when they bring it up? I don't think that mirroring their use of "wedding" is appropriate since that already happened. Is that actually appropriate, or is there a better term that I can use in polite conversation with them? Any thoughts?

s-aries8990

It will be her vow renewal, and keep calling it that. If she says no, it's a wedding, ask if she isn't really married yet.

Ditto Hooray though, try to keep celebration chat to a minimum

artbyallie

Yep, I'd go with vow renewal. You should probably avoid Pretty Princess Day, even though that's what it is.

AJuliaNJ

I'd use words like "your big day" or "your celebration" or refer to it by date. I feel like you wouldn't have to actually refer to it by name that many times even if it was a wedding. "How's the planning going?" "July 5 will be here before you know it." "How are you decorating for your celebration?" I'd stay away from the wedding/renewal debate if they are already decided. At this point it would start an argument and they aren't going to change their mind.

Maggie0829

Vow renewal and keep repeating it.  Everytime she says "oh we are doing this for our wedding" immediately come back with "that sounds lovely for your vow renewal".

But I too agree with Hooray, I would just change the subject any time they bring "wedding" talk up.

SilverSarahB

If you're not on board, just leave it alone.  Avoid conversations, switch topics, and if you need to say that you don't really want to listen to wedding planning.  And if she asks, you can say why--to you, it isn't a wedding, and it gets frustrating because you two disagree on that point.  You  don't have to start conflicts with friends just because you disagree on something--that's kind of school yard behavior.  If you don't like it, don't engage with it, and let her talk eagerly with people who will listen eagerly. 

perfectisboring

In Response to Re: What to call the post-marriage "wedding":
[QUOTE]If you're not on board, just leave it alone.  Avoid conversations, switch topics, and if you need to say that you don't really want to listen to wedding planning.  And if she asks, you can say why--to you, it isn't a wedding, and it gets frustrating because you two disagree on that point.  You  don't have to start conflicts with friends just because you disagree on something--that's kind of school yard behavior.  If you don't like it, don't engage with it, and let her talk eagerly with people who will listen eagerly. 
Posted by SilverSarahB[/QUOTE]

I agree. If you don't agree with what she's doing, just avoid the topic. If you do end up talking about it, you don't have to refer to it as anything. I feel like you can give her feedback or acknowledge her ideas without you in particular having to use the words 'wedding' or 'vow renewal'.

"I'm thinking of having a purple leprechaun walk me down the aisle for my wedding"
"That sounds like a lovely idea [for your wedding]".

I feel like you can omit any mention of what the event is going to be called.

If you're stuck on how to address the gift, call it a Congratulations present. You can even get vague Congratulations cards, ie: http://www.notonthehighstreet.com/sweetpeadesign/product/personalised-laser-cut-engagement-card.

STARMOON44

Avoid calling it anything, but I think insisting on referring to it as a vowel renewal is rude. I never think it's okay to tell people you think they are rude, and that's exactly what you would be doing. If you can't manage an evening without doing this, decline invitations until you get over it. Their rudeness isn't license for you to lose your own politesse.

MoonlightSilver

I'd call it a party. Repeating vow renewel over and over could insult your friend. Even if she's in the wrong, it's not nice to be rude. Party covers the event just fine.

hannahlce

... Why do you care what they call it? 

waterfallchime

Thank you, everyone. I agree that avoiding the topic is the best way to go. Frankly, that will also make me happier, as I'm no longer interested in hearing about the "wedding." They will continue to talk about it no matter what, though, so I'll go with no term or something vague like like "party" or "celebration" when they won't let it drop.

hannahlce, I care less about what they call this event than about what I call it. It is perhaps a way of keeping some control in a situation in which I feel none - I want to behave properly, even when those around me do not. Their wedding, when they were married, was a few weeks ago in the secret ceremony that they admit they weren't planning to tell anyone about, not a few months in the future at the big destination blowout. It is completely their choice when and where they get married, but that only happens once, and misleading a couple hundred guests about what they've been invited to is kind of crappy. I also care more about our relationship than the fact that my feelings are hurt over this deception, which is why I asked the question to begin with.