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Guest has put us in an awkward position.....

From the beginning we decided that people who were in long term relationships (year+) or engaged would be able to bring their SO. For one we wanted to keep our wedding on the smaller side, and we also didn't want random strangers in our wedding photos. We didn't want to look back and think "Oh there's Sue's flavor of the week." Sounds a little harsh, but it's reality. We received an RSVP yesterday from "Nancy & Guest" (they've been dating for 4 months, and my MOH who has a bf for the same length isn't bringing him), which seems rude considering the invitation was made out to just her. So I send her a FB message telling her that I'm happy to see her unfortunately due to budget restrictions (we're paying for the wedding ourselves) we aren't allowing our guests to bring dates unless for the reasons I stated above. I get a message back saying "I completely understand, weddings are expensive, I really wanted him to meet the family (at a wedding? really?), can I pay for his dinner? I'd hate for him to come all this way (We're in IL, they're in KS) and have to sit out. I hate to put you both in this awkward position." I was fuming, as was my fiance. If you hate to put us in that position then WHY DID YOU? [End Rant] So my question is how do I tell her once again no? Do I explain again that we're only allowing those in long term relationships? I honestly want to call her out on how rude she is being, and the horrible position she has put us in. It's not the point that she's offering to pay for him, WE DON'T WANT RANDOS!

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Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....

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    Really you should be inviting everyone's SO if they consider themselves in a relationship.  Especially if they are traveling from OOT.  I think it was nice of her to offer to pay for his plate and don't really see the big deal.  You're edging on the rude side by not inviting SO's, especially of the wedding party.
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    In Response to Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]From the beginning we decided that people who were in long term relationships (year+) or engaged would be able to bring their SO. For one we wanted to keep our wedding on the smaller side, and we also didn't want random strangers in our wedding photos. We didn't want to look back and think "Oh there's Sue's flavor of the week." Sounds a little harsh, but it's reality. We received an RSVP yesterday from "Nancy & Guest" (they've been dating for 4 months, and my MOH who has a bf for the same length isn't bringing him), which seems rude considering the invitation was made out to just her. So I send her a FB message telling her that I'm happy to see her unfortunately due to budget restrictions (we're paying for the wedding ourselves) we aren't allowing our guests to bring dates unless for the reasons I stated above. I get a message back saying "I completely understand, weddings are expensive, I really wanted him to meet the family (at a wedding? really?), can I pay for his dinner? I'd hate for him to come all this way (We're in IL, they're in KS) and have to sit out. I hate to put you both in this awkward position." I was fuming, as was my fiance. If you hate to put us in that position then WHY DID YOU? [End Rant] So my question is how do I tell her once again no? Do I explain again that we're only allowing those in long term relationships? I honestly want to call her out on how rude she is being, and the horrible position she has put us in. It's not the point that she's offering to pay for him, WE DON'T WANT RANDOS!
    Posted by boyslie72487[/QUOTE]

    As I'm sure you'll hear from lots of other ladies on here, you're not really in a position to judge who is a "rando" and who isn't. At 4 months my fiance and I were already looking into moving in together, had spent a considerable amount of time with each other's families, and were talking about getting married one day. On the other hand, I know plenty of couples who have been dating for several years and still have pretty casual relationships. If someone is in a relationship, their significant other should be invited. Period. 
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    Sorry but you are being rude by excluding SO's that don't fit into your made up rules.  How do you know that the 4 month BF won't turn into a long term and possibly future H of your friend.

    It is not right of you to judge people's relationships just because you don't want "randos" in some of your reception pictures.

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    I wouldn't consider someone with whom you are in a 4 month relationship a random. What was your relationship with FI like 4 months in? I know we were already serious. No matter the length, it really isn't your place to judge who is and isn't serious.

    I would respond to her saying you've made a horrible mistake and invite him. I'd then tell your MOH the same thing. These 2 ladies will have an infinitely better time with their SO's to dance and socialize with.
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    OP, you dont get to decide how serious someone's relationship is.  When FI and I started dating, we moved in together after 9 months together.  Was my relationship at that time any less serious than a couple dating for 3 months longer? I dont think so.

    You and your FI may have been fuming mad about this, but the only rude people are you two. 

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    wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2013
    Oh my god. I don't even know where to start.

    First of all, a FB message is beyond rude. You should have called her, not to tell her no, but to apologize for calling her serious boyfriend a "rando" or "flavor of the week". If he is meeting family, it's probably serious. The fact that she even offered to pay for his plate and you still refused tells me you're a giant cow. What if they end up married in a year? You're going to feel like a complete jerk.

    WP members should get dates. End of story. They're paying for their dress/hair/jewelry and are taking a day (or more) to be involved with your wedding. The least you can do is let them bring their SO.

    People who are in relationships should always be allowed to bring their SO, especially since they are traveling to another state for your wedding. End of story.

    My FI and I started talking about marriage at six months, so your "one year" cutoff is beyond ridiculous. Some people are living together and engaged by one year.

    If you can't afford to pay for all of these people, too bad. That's why you need to budget appropriately. A wedding should be budgeted based on guests, not how pretty the reception hall is and how desperately you need an eight-tier cake. You figure out who you want to invite, add in their SOs, and then have the wedding that fits that budget. If this means chicken instead of steak, so be it. 

    You won't lose friends over chicken, but you will lose friends over this. If my FI had been referred to as a "rando" who would ruin your pictures, I'd drop you faster than you could say "registry".
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    OP, you are in the wrong and made this awkward situatin yourself. Send her back a message that he can come and you'll pay for it. All of your guests that were dating, flavors or not, should have been invited with their partner! 
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    They're in a relationship, so you should have invited him in the first place. Yes, it was rude of her to write him in on the invitation without mentioning it to you first, but your response should have been, "I'm so sorry he was left off, of course he's invited!" Anyone who considers themselves in a relationship gets invited with the other half of their social unit. You do not get to decide what couples are "serious" enough to warrant an invtiation.

    Sorry, you're the rude one in this situation. Apologize to your cousin and let the guy come.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2013
    DH and I were talking about marriage on the 4th date.

    We were living together within the 1st month.

    In month 3 DH announced on the loading dock at work he got a week off in what would be month 7th to fly up to my parent's to ask me to marry him.  (yeah, I wish I was kidding)

    I started designing my ring around month 4.

    Month 7 - I got the ring the day after he met my parents.

    I think I'm the only person who didn't care if I had randoms at my wedding.  As long as my guests were happy I didn't care.   Plus it was OOT.  Who wants to travel without someone?

    I do not understand why every bride paying for their own wedding has to put in a the disclaimer that the reason for budget constraints is because they are paying for the wedding themselves.  Even people who have help from mom and dad have budget constraints. 

    That's all.

    eta






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]DH and I were talking about marriage on the 4th date. We were living together within the 1st month. In month 3 DH announced on the loading dock at work he got a week off in what would be month 7th to fly up to my parent's to ask me to marry him.  (yeah, I wish I was kidding) I started designing my ring around month 4. I got the ring in month 7 after he met my parents. I think I'm the only person who didn't care if I had randoms at my wedding.  As long as my guests were happy I didn't care.   Plus it was OOT.  Who wants to travel without someone? I do not understand why every bride paying for their own wedding has to put in a the disclaimer that the reason for budget constraints is because they are paying for the wedding themselves.  Even people who have help from mom and dad have budget constraints.  That's all.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    You're not the only one - we gave all our single guests a +1 and all SOs were invited.  There were several guests/SOs I had never met.  It was no big deal.

    We paid for it all ourselves and we decided from the get go that we could afford 120 guests, that included all SOs/+1s.  Which is why we had a 3 year engagement, so we could save and have the wedding we wanted and host our guests properly.

     

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    In Response to Re:Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:[QUOTE]From the beginning we decided that people who were in long term relationships year or engaged would be able to bring their SO. For one we wanted to keep our wedding on the smaller side, and we also didn't want random strangers in our wedding photos. We didn't want to look back and think "Oh there's Sue's flavor of the week." Sounds a little harsh, but it's reality. We received an RSVP yesterday from "Nancy amp; Guest" they've been dating for 4 months, and my MOH who has a bf for the same length isn't bringing him, which seems rude considering the invitation was made out to just her. So I send her a FB message telling her that I'm happy to see her unfortunately due to budget restrictions we're paying for the wedding ourselves we aren't allowing our guests to bring dates unless for the reasons I stated above. I get a message back saying "I completely understand, weddings are expensive, I really wanted him to meet the family at a wedding? really?, can I pay for his dinner? I'd hate for him to come all this way We're in IL, they're in KS and have to sit out. I hate to put you both in this awkward position." I was fuming, as was my fiance. If you hate to put us in that position then WHY DID YOU? [End Rant] So my question is how do I tell her once again no? Do I explain again that we're only allowing those in long term relationships? I honestly want to call her out on how rude she is being, and the horrible position she has put us in. It's not the point that she's offering to pay for him, WE DON'T WANT RANDOS! Posted by boyslie72487[/QUOTE] Here's what you do: Pick up the PHONE and apologize for the error of your ways. Let the person know that OF COURSE her SO is welcome and say you're looking forward to meeting him. THEN, you make sure that your WP are invited AND SEATED with dates and you check the guest list to mSke sure there aren't other people affected by such an arbitrary and rude cutoff.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2013
    In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]DH and I were talking about marriage on the 4th date. We were living together within the 1st month. In month 3 DH announced on the loading dock at work he got a week off in what would be month 7th to fly up to my parent's to ask me to marry him.  (yeah, I wish I was kidding) I started designing my ring around month 4. I got the ring in month 7 after he met my parents. I think I'm the only person who didn't care if I had randoms at my wedding.  As long as my guests were happy I didn't care.   Plus it was OOT.  Who wants to travel without someone? I do not understand why every bride paying for their own wedding has to put in a the disclaimer that the reason for budget constraints is because they are paying for the wedding themselves.  Even people who have help from mom and dad have budget constraints.  That's all.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    I completely agree.  Just because you have budget constraints does not give you the right to be rude.

    And everyone has some sort of budget so it doesn't make your situation any more special then the rest.  Heck I am sure even Bill Gates would give his daughter a budget.

    ETA:  We also gave all of our single guests a +1 because we would rather them come with a "rando" then not feel comfortable coming alone and then declining our invite.

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    Wow! Thank you all for your kind words! I have taken everyone's comments into consideration! Thank you all for your help!
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    RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited April 2013
    Once upon a time, you and your FI were dating for "only 4 months". And now you're marrying him. But okay, a boyfriend of "only 4 months" is obviously just some "rando" that's going to ruin your pictures o.O

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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    Yup. We're also giving our single guests a +1 since we're getting married in Vegas. I even broadened it to, "It doesn't have to be a date. No pressure. You can bring a friend if you don't want to bring a date. It's Vegas. Come have fun!"

    We budgeted accordingly. It means we can't get married at Caesar's, but who the heck cares. It's going to be an awesome wedding because everyone will have a great time. I'd put my friendships over pretty pictures any day.
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    As PPs have said you should have invited him.  A couple is just as capable of breaking up after having been together for a yr+ or even after having been married.  My MOHs BF of 5 years is no longer in the picture and H's friend's GF of 1 month is now his FI two years later.  You can't predict who in your wedding photos will and will not last forever. 

    Call her up, apologize, let her (and your MOH and anyone else you unfairly judged) bring her BF.  He doesn't have to be in the family photos or anything....
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    In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]I'm sensing a little sarcasm from the OP's response...
    Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

    Me too.   She won't be back.  Truth hurts, OP, yes.  You can be very grateful that these ladies have saved you from being extremely rude to your guests. 
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    In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]Leading etiquette books say that one must invite the spouse or fiance of a guest.  Some extend this to live-in or long term relationships.  This is a "Knot" rule that every BF/GF must invited.  Take it for what its worth.  I agree thought that handling through FB was not best.  This bit about not traveling alone is absurd (and doesn't even seem to be guest's issue).  People go away to college and the military at 18, and don'tt need a companion.  Some people want to glom on to a wedding as a family reunion, it seems like guest wants to combine with her BF meeting her family.  Just call her and politely say, the invitation is just for you, I am sorry we can accommodate more.  If she keeps insisting on BF, just keep politely saying no. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    I was wondering when you were going to come out and play on this thread.

    A wedding is a time to celebrate love and relationships so why in the world would you be ok not inviting your friends SO just becasue it doesn't fit into your little made up mold? 

    And comparing being invited to a wedding to going to college or entering into the military?  What?  That doesn't even make sense?

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    In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]I'm sensing a little sarcasm from the OP's response...
    Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

    Definitely.  There were one too many exclamation points in her reply to suggest otherwise.

    Truth hurts OP, you were wrong, now own it and fix it.

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    Relationship timing is different for everybody.  My FI and I became exclusive after about a week, and by 4 months we were in it for the long haul.  I have a friend who was in a relationship for a full year before they became "official".  
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    In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]Leading etiquette books say that one must invite the spouse or fiance of a guest.  Some extend this to live-in or long term relationships.  This is a "Knot" rule that every BF/GF must invited.  Take it for what its worth.  I agree thought that handling through FB was not best.  This bit about not traveling alone is absurd (and doesn't even seem to be guest's issue).  People go away to college and the military at 18, and don'tt need a companion.  Some people want to glom on to a wedding as a family reunion, it seems like guest wants to combine with her BF meeting her family.  Just call her and politely say, the invitation is just for you, I am sorry we can accommodate more.  If she keeps insisting on BF, just keep politely saying no. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Her friend made the point that it's a pain for her BF to travel with her and spend that travel money when he can't even go to the wedding. Some couples don't like to travel without each other. Comparing going away for a weekend to going off to college is absurd. It has nothing to do with independence and everything to do with the bride being rude and inconsiderate. I cannot imagine paying for a flight and hotel room when my FI can't join me. I simply wouldn't go. I'd save that money and vacation time for a trip we could take together. It doesn't mean I can't be without him - I don't take him on business trips - but this isn't a business trip.

    Your books may state it's okay to only invite FIs, but if you read enough TK threads, you'll see that those who are invited without their SO often feel slighted and upset. That is why, on TK, most people agree that it's best to invite SOs instead of risking a friendship. Besides, it's really the polite thing to do. I can't imagine not inviting someone's SO, no matter what the books say.
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    In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]DH and I were talking about marriage on the 4th date. We were living together within the 1st month. In month 3 DH announced on the loading dock at work he got a week off in what would be month 7th to fly up to my parent's to ask me to marry him.  (yeah, I wish I was kidding) I started designing my ring around month 4. Month 7 - I got the ring the day after he met my parents. I think I'm the only person who didn't care if I had randoms at my wedding.  As long as my guests were happy I didn't care.   Plus it was OOT.  Who wants to travel without someone? I do not understand why every bride paying for their own wedding has to put in a the disclaimer that the reason for budget constraints is because they are paying for the wedding themselves.  Even people who have help from mom and dad have budget constraints.  That's all. eta
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    Me, too. Everyone got invited with their spouse, SO, or open-ended guest. AND we are paying ourselves. We made the guest list and THEN found a place that would accommodate them within our budget. We were even going to allow an open-ended guest for our teenaged guests until some people on this board politely pointed out that the parents might not want them to bring a guest, and to address that via phone call instead. 
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    In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]Leading etiquette books say that one must invite the spouse or fiance of a guest.  Some extend this to live-in or long term relationships.  This is a "Knot" rule that every BF/GF must invited.  Take it for what its worth.  I agree thought that handling through FB was not best.  This bit about not traveling alone is absurd (and doesn't even seem to be guest's issue).  People go away to college and the military at 18, and don'tt need a companion.  Some people want to glom on to a wedding as a family reunion, it seems like guest wants to combine with her BF meeting her family.  Just call her and politely say, the invitation is just for you, I am sorry we can accommodate more.  If she keeps insisting on BF, just keep politely saying no. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]


    Wrong.  It is common courtesy. 

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    FI and I were discussing marriage within the first month.  We were engaged in the ninth month, and we're having a year-long engagement.  When we get married, we'll have been in a relationship for less than 2 years.  Some people may think it's fast, but for us, we know it's right.  I some other people who just got engaged after 4-5 years of dating.  As far as I know, their weddings aren't any time soon.  The timing of every relationship is different.  It's not your place to judge how serious two people are based on how long they've been together. 

    Having said that, I understand the pickle you're in.  Honestly, I felt similarly before I started lurking on the boards.  FI and I were only going to allow SOs if they were married, engaged, or those who had been in a relationship for a really long time.  Sounds tacky right?  It was, and I didn't see it right away.  By the time I came to this realization, some guests already knew they were being invited (we had to ask for addresses), so we couldn't take them off the list.  We decided to invite everyone with an SO, which only ended up being an extra ten people that we planned.  Truly single guests do not need a plus one, but we have the room in case one of our single guests ends up in a relationship.  For us, the situation was tricky, because my mom is paying for the majority of the reception.  I approached her, told her that we goofed and needed to add those people.  Our venue had the room, so we said that we would pay for the extra people.  She was pleased with this. I felt so much better after having that conversation with her, and knowing that we're doing the right thing. I'm just glad we realized it before the invites went out.

    Call, be sincere and apologize.  Tell her that she can bring him, and you'll pay.  You'll feel better, trust me.
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    In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]Leading etiquette books say that one must invite the spouse or fiance of a guest.  Some extend this to live-in or long term relationships.  This is a "Knot" rule that every BF/GF must invited.  Take it for what its worth.  I agree thought that handling through FB was not best.  This bit about not traveling alone is absurd (and doesn't even seem to be guest's issue).  People go away to college and the military at 18, and don'tt need a companion.  Some people want to glom on to a wedding as a family reunion, it seems like guest wants to combine with her BF meeting her family.  Just call her and politely say, the invitation is just for you, I am sorry we can accommodate more.  If she keeps insisting on BF, just keep politely saying no. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    I'm pretty sure this has been explained to you multiple times. I'm not sure what you're having trouble understanding.

    Once upon a time the books were right, because relationships were not like they are now. A woman was a social unit with her family pretty much until she was married. It was scandalous for a man and woman to even send written letters to each other if they weren't engaged, let alone spend time alone together. The boyfriend/girlfriend concept didn't exist like it does now. Courtships were much shorter.
    So the "etiquette" in those books stems from rules that were created in a time when non-married SO's didn't even really exist.

    Stop taking antiquated advice from books that are in bed with a wedding industry that wants as many invites to go out as possible.

    Common sense, common courtesy.
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    In Response to Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]From the beginning we decided that people who were in long term relationships (year+) or engaged would be able to bring their SO. For one we wanted to keep our wedding on the smaller side, and we also didn't want random strangers in our wedding photos. We didn't want to look back and think "Oh there's Sue's flavor of the week." Sounds a little harsh, but it's reality. We received an RSVP yesterday from "Nancy & Guest" (they've been dating for 4 months, and my MOH who has a bf for the same length isn't bringing him), which seems rude considering the invitation was made out to just her. So I send her a FB message telling her that I'm happy to see her unfortunately due to budget restrictions (we're paying for the wedding ourselves) we aren't allowing our guests to bring dates unless for the reasons I stated above. I get a message back saying "I completely understand, weddings are expensive, I really wanted him to meet the family (at a wedding? really?), can I pay for his dinner? I'd hate for him to come all this way (We're in IL, they're in KS) and have to sit out. I hate to put you both in this awkward position." I was fuming, as was my fiance. If you hate to put us in that position then WHY DID YOU? [End Rant] So my question is how do I tell her once again no? Do I explain again that we're only allowing those in long term relationships? I honestly want to call her out on how rude she is being, and the horrible position she has put us in. It's not the point that she's offering to pay for him, WE DON'T WANT RANDOS!
    Posted by boyslie72487[/QUOTE]

    You're in the wrong.  All SOs need to be invited, regardless how "serious", "strong" or "worthy" you and your FI think their relationship is.
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    This thread makes me want shots, preferably made with cake vodka. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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    In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]This thread makes me want shots, preferably made with cake vodka. 
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    Is that a real thing???
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    Oy vey NYUgirl. That's all I got.

    OP, your friend and her BF are obviously in a serious relationship. Obviously. You don't have to include +1s for truly single people or people who consider themselves single. I dated FI for 3 months before we became exclusive and considered myself single during that time. 4 months into our actual relationship he gave me a promise ring and we were talking about marriage. If your friend did not consider herself in a relationship, you would not need to add her BF. However, she does. Again, obviously. You are judging the seriousness of a relationship at a wedding. Which is ridiculous. Just include the BFs and GFs of your guests. I'm betting that photos of all the guests won't end up on your walls anyways, so chill out about having "randos" in photos.
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    In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position.....:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest has put us in an awkward position..... : Is that a real thing???
    Posted by wittykitty14[/QUOTE]
    Hell yes!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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