I'm a broke BM!

buddysmom80

Not really, but let me explain.

I'm going to be in my friend's wedding in September. I'm on a limited budget. My friend who is getting married is being ridiculously awesome in regards to realistic finances (ie: pick whatever dress as long as it's in X color and whatever shoes you want to wear is fine).

The one BM on the other hand has unlimited funds. So the shower got planned without me. It was the other BM, the bride's mom and a co-worker/friend of the bride/church friend of bride's mom at the meeting. They decided what they were going to do when and where etc. which is fine.

The friend called me this morning and said: "hey, we both have vacations coming up, we both have mortgages, bills, etc just get the battery powered votives for the centerpieces. Also, you're good at this, can you find something for the favor and e-mail me the link?" Okay done and done. I e-mail her and the other BM the link. The other BM calls me and says: "Those are perfect, when we get the guest list, order those." and hangs up in my face.

Later, I get an e-mail from the bride's friend and the other BM is CCed on the e-mail. It basically says: "the bottles are cute, buddysmom80, when are you going to order those?"

Um, didn't we just talk about budgets 6 hours ago?

Anyway, I'm going to e-mail them back and tell them bottom line, I can't do $20 here, $20 there because things start adding up. I am more than happy to volunteer my time, skills, creativity towards the shower, etc but other than that, I can't do it money wise unless I start dipping into our savings account. I honestly budgeted any money towards this wedding to put towards the BM dress. I didn't think we were going to end up doing all the extra wedding stuff too.

Am I being out of line? I just want to get some opinions before I press "send" on this e-mail. Or any suggestions to help in this situation? One side of me says I'm doing the right thing for standing up for myself, but another side of me is telling myself: "stop being so freaking cheap".

And as always, thanks in advance!! You guys have been more than helpful during my journey as a BM!

buddysmom80

I just wanted to update you ladies on what's going on. Last night my BF and I sat down and talked about this because he could tell something was bothering me. We sat down and made a list of "expenses" that will be going on between now and my friend's wedding as well as future things to save for (ie: vacations, vet appts, personal property taxes, property taxes, birthdays, holidays, etc). Honestly, the money isn't there to be contributing here and there for favors, centerpieces, etc. Especially when I did not provide any input on it. Also, do I really need to put my life on hold for this wedding? She asked me to be a BM in March with plans on getting married this April and had to push the date back. So does that mean I have to give up vacations and celebrating birthdays? I don't think so because no one else is doing it.

If I was co-hosting this and putting my ideas (which wouldn't be the favors they picked) then this issue wouldn't be on the table. Retread is right. It is rude to ask for money when I didn't get any input. They haven't been flexible in regards to this (for example, they are doing mock centerpieces this weekend, they know this is the weekend I see my parents before they go across country until October) and will not adjust.

I drafted up this e-mail this morning and wanted to see what you ladies thought of it before I press send:

"I was under the impression that my responsibility was the votives. I just found these bottles through a google search, I wasn't aware that I would be financially obligated to purchase them. We have talked about budgets in regards to this shower, etc. I don't really have the financial resources right now to be spending $20 here, $20 there, because it starts adding up.  

I would be more than happy to volunteer my time, efforts, and creative skills towards anything at all. I hope you guys understand this and we can continue on without any issues in regards to finances."

Thanks for the input, advice and giving me a platform to vent.

STARMOON44

I think your email seems overly hostile and will result in an unpleasant planning process for you. How about " hey guys, sorry for any misunderstanding but it's not in my budget to buy the bottles, just the votives. I'd love to help with shower set up, clean up, or decorating projects, but I can't afford to spend any more on this. Hope you understand, and please let me know if there's anything I can help with". Again, by all means stick with your budget, but I don't think them expecting you to not mind 20 here and there is a deliberate attempt to get you to overspend as much as a thoughtless one

buddysmom80

In Response to Re:I'm a broke BM!:
[QUOTE]I think your email seems overly hostile and will result in an unpleasant planning process for you. How about " hey guys, sorry for any misunderstanding but it's not in my budget to buy the bottles, just the votives. I'd love to help with shower set up, clean up, or decorating projects, but I can't afford to spend any more on this. Hope you understand, and please let me know if there's anything I can help with". Again, by all means stick with your budget, but I don't think them expecting you to not mind 20 here and there is a deliberate attempt to get you to overspend as much as a thoughtless one
Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

I'll be honest, at first I was going to get defensive because I didn't think my e-mail was hostile at all, but the way you worded the e-mail is so much better than how I did that I'm copying and pasting your response lol. Can you please write all my e-mails today, because I have to reply to about 20? ;p

It's hard to explain to an internet forum how these women are to begin with, so sometimes you have to approach them with claws out or you're going to get trampled by them. I think that's why I originally worded the e-mail the way I did. They're very "Mean Girls"-esque where I'm just a let it flow kind of person.

Your e-mail gets the point across and ends the discussion of money for the party. So, it'll work, thanks so much!!!!

MairePoppy

buddysmom - I like the toned down version better. It's better to assume this is a miscommunication. The bm may have thought you were agreeing to purchase favors. She may have wanted pictures so that she could purchase coordinating decor. I'd try to give her the benifit of the doubt, this time. 

By all means, let her know that you won't be able to spend any more money on the shower, but are willing to help out with set up or clean up. Be specific about what you're willing to do, so there won't be another misunderstanding.

buddysmom80

In Response to Re: I'm a broke BM!:
[QUOTE]buddysmom - I like the toned down version better. It's better to assume this is a miscommunication. The bm may have thought you were agreeing to purchase favors. She may have wanted pictures so that she could purchase coordinating decor. I'd try to give her the benifit of the doubt, this time.  By all means, let her know that you won't be able to spend any more money on the shower, but are willing to help out with set up or clean up. Be specific about what you're willing to do, so there won't be another misunderstanding.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

I agree with you, I honestly think it was a miscommunication as well, but I think I made it clear with the friend of the bride that my only contribution was the tea lights or whatever. I think the other BM just assumed I was going to buy the bottles since I found them. But like I said earlier googling stuff =/= purchasing.

We'll see what happens, I'll keep everyone posted.

buddysmom80

In Response to Re: I'm a broke BM!:
[QUOTE]There is nothing wrong with that email. Starmoon, you've said on several threads that you think bridesmaids have a financial obligation to meet.  You are free to feel that way, but that's not etiquette and nobody has a right to someone's wallet beyond purchasing the dress.    This wedding party isn't asking for her money.  They are demanding money and assigning purchases.  That's out of line for a bride, and any bridesmaid or Maid of Honor who tries to do this shouldn't be the least bit surprised if the other person tells her where to get off and hangs up the phone.  No one has a right to instruct someone else to go out and spend money on their say-so.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I sent the email to the both of them and they replied at the same time with the same response of: "that's fine". Later the BM called and said that they would not include me in anymore per-wedding parties. Oh tragedy..... Thank you ladies for your help and reassuring me that I made the right decision! I'm sure I'll be back with more questions!

buddysmom80

In Response to Re: I'm a broke BM!:
[QUOTE]Oh, so sad that you won't be getting more "pay for this" emails from her.  wah..... Good for you!
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I haven't stopped crying!!!!! Hahaha tears of joy!

STARMOON44

@retread I agree- she doesn't have to do any of this. But personally, when I agree to be a bridesmaid, I expect and plan on a dress and paying for a shower. I didn't mean to imply at all that OP, or anyone, is required to do so.

kerbohl

Wait, people have full meal showers?  I had not come across that until right now.  I also don't understand buying decorations for the shower.  All showers I've ever  attended have either been in someone's home with no decorations required, or were at a hall or church with no decorations because no one cared about that - they just wanted some good food and good company.  People over-think and end up spending way to much needless money.

OP, it is good that you won't be expected to pay so much anymore (as you shouldn't have been forced to in the first place), but it sucks that they are just going to force you out of all pre-wedding stuff.  I'd think that help planning something can be worth more than money and is a very worthy contribution, but I guess these other BMs don't see it that way. 

buddysmom80

kerbohl said:

Wait, people have full meal showers?  I had not come across that until right now.  I also don't understand buying decorations for the shower.  All showers I've ever  attended have either been in someone's home with no decorations required, or were at a hall or church with no decorations because no one cared about that - they just wanted some good food and good company.  People over-think and end up spending way to much needless money.

OP, it is good that you won't be expected to pay so much anymore (as you shouldn't have been forced to in the first place), but it sucks that they are just going to force you out of all pre-wedding stuff.  I'd think that help planning something can be worth more than money and is a very worthy contribution, but I guess these other BMs don't see it that way. 

Thanks for the .02 on the subject, I agree, I haven't been to a shower where there were centerpieces or decorations.

Also, the shower is at 3pm in August and outside so I don't know why the centerpieces need battery powered votives in the first place, but it's not my party.

I'll have to keep you all updated on this!

Thanks so much everyone for the support/ideas/place to vent!

theretamaragoes

Sorry that you've had to deal with this! It's rude of the other BM's to not be considerate of your situation and to just assume that you have the budget that they do.

While it's probably a relief that they are not longer going to include you in plans... I can't help but feel like they are being bullies about it all. As if, because you can't PAY for things, your opinions don't matter at all? C'mon. The Bride chose you to be one of the bridesmaids for a reason-- likely because she loves you and values you and thinks that you have something to contribute... It shouldn't be up to the other BM's whether or not you get to help out with planning etc.

My MOH is my best friend. She has been an amazing asset with wedding planning-- helping out with every task I have thrown her way. She is excited and eager and always supportive. Whenever I need advice or help with something, I turn to her, and she takes care of it in a heart beat with a smile on her face. She also is on a very limited budget (2 kids, unemployed husband, etc). Yet she is IRREPLACABLE and invaluable to me.

My other 2 bridesmaids are in a different place financially. They have more disposable income and are able to afford much more. However, they are also much less 'in-tune' with me, and aren't able to read my mind like my BFF & Maid of Honor. They each bring their own unique skills to the table, regardless of the amount of money that they can afford to spend on me. 

I would be devastated & outraged if I heard that my BM's were excluding my MOH because she couldn't pay for as much as they can! Gah!