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FMIL inviting people. Help!

From the moment we were engaged my FI and I knew we wanted a small wedding - ideally around 50 people.  We were very clear with both of our families that only immediately famly and close friends would be invited. We selected a more expensive venue becuase we loved it and with the smaller guest list it was well within our budget.

We finalized our guest list in December and shared it with our families. At that time my FMIL provided us with a list of 50 people who 'had to be invited' only 15 or so of them were on our list. We made it clear that we wanted something small and only those 15 people were invited. These are the 15 family members we have seen in the past 3 years. 

Fast forward to this week and invitaitons have been sent. She called me and rattled off a bunch of names of people who were coming. I was in car and didn't have the invite list in front of me to cross check so, she said she would email me the info. The email arrived today and only 3 people who 'are coming' were sent an invitation. There are 8 people on the list who were not invited who according to her 'are coming'. (While I would never even think of attending a wedding for which I wasn't invited to, I don't think they care.)

My FI says, "I'll talk to her" but she's clearly not listening. My FI has never stood up to his parents and I'm afraid this will just let her think that this behavior will continue throuhgout our married life.

My family says just tell her NO! They were at the same meeting she was where we said who was invited and who wasn't. Any ideas on how I should handle this? Do we just give in and invite them? Or hold firm and tell her she was out of line to invite them? 


Re: FMIL inviting people. Help!

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    itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    You and your FI are paying for the wedding? If so, the guest list is 100% your call.

    FI (and FI only) needs to deal with his own mother.

    "Mom, we are only able to accomodate the guests who received invitations. I'm sorry, but you will need to inform _________ that we are having a small wedding and are unable to invite everyone"
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    If your FI doesn't stand up to her now, he will continue to do this throughout your marriage and will possibly get worse with kids. He needs to tell her no, in no uncertain terms. And tell her that hear people that were not invited will not be let in.
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    Your FI needs to stand up to her or she will continue to be a nightmare throughout wedding planning and possibly afterward. Hold his hand while he calls her. He needs to be a big boy.
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    MsYeckMsYeck member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    If it is only 8 people (assuming some are couples) I would call them and just be honest with them how space/budget/whatever constraints cannot allow for FMIL randomingly adding people as unfortunately she is doing. That is if you cannt get her to make these phone calls
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    In Response to FMIL inviting people. Help!:
    [QUOTE]From the moment we were engaged my FI and I knew we wanted a small wedding - ideally around 50 people.  We were very clear with both of our families that only immediately famly and close friends would be invited. We selected a more expensive venue becuase we loved it and with the smaller guest list it was well within our budget. We finalized our guest list in December and shared it with our families. At that time my FMIL provided us with a list of 50 people who 'had to be invited' only 15 or so of them were on our list. We made it clear that we wanted something small and only those 15 people were invited. These are the 15 family members we have seen in the past 3 years.  Fast forward to this week and invitaitons have been sent. She called me and rattled off a bunch of names of people who were coming. I was in car and didn't have the invite list in front of me to cross check so, she said she would email me the info. The email arrived today and only 3 people who 'are coming' were sent an invitation. There are 8 people on the list who were not invited who according to her 'are coming'. (While I would never even think of attending a wedding for which I wasn't invited to, I don't think they care.) My FI says, "I'll talk to her" but she's clearly not listening. My FI has never stood up to his parents and I'm afraid this will just let her think that this behavior will continue throuhgout our married life. My family says just tell her NO! They were at the same meeting she was where we said who was invited and who wasn't. Any ideas on how I should handle this? Do we just give in and invite them? Or hold firm and tell her she was out of line to invite them? 
    Posted by cherielisabeth[/QUOTE]


    To the bolded, surely at least one of these people has asked or commented about their nonreceipt of an invitation?  What is FMIL telling them?  It baffles me that anyone would think it was ok to show up without receiving one, but I guess it does happen.

    Either way FMIL is way out of line and FI needs to deal with her.
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    In Response to Re: FMIL inviting people. Help!:
    [QUOTE]In Response to FMIL inviting people. Help! : To the bolded, surely at least one of these people has asked or commented about their nonreceipt of an invitation?  What is FMIL telling them?  It baffles me that anyone would think it was ok to show up without receiving one, but I guess it does happen. Either way FMIL is way out of line and FI needs to deal with her.
    Posted by KSquared2013[/QUOTE]

    It depends, if FMIL is saying "of course you are invited, here are the details", they probably wouldn't question it.  

    I agree that FI should talk to her, and if he doesn't, I think you should.  Be firm.  "MIL, those people are NOT invited to the wedding. If they arrive, we will have to turn them away at the door because we will not have space or food accomodations for them. That will be embarrasing for you and me, as well as the people being turned away.  So, please stop inviting people to the wedding."
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    KDM323KDM323 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Oh my....many hugs to you.  What a nightmare.


    I agree with the PP...your fiancee needs to talk to his mother.

    Who does this stuff?
    *** Fairy Tales Do Come True *** Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    mc4dj13mc4dj13 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary
    As another small guest-list bride I really feel your frustration. I had the same situation except with my mother over my wedding which I am only having 55 guets. My mother has loose lips and out of sheer excitement told everyone and their great aunt I am getting married. Sometimes I just want to cave and let her invite those guests but I must be fair and stick with my principles. My fiance and I agreed on the guestlist (immediate family up to 1st cousins only) and my Mother keeps wanting to add her childhood friends and their now grown children. 

    If you and your fiance do not have a relationship with them and you would not invite them to your home on a regular basis then you need to hold your ground. If your decision is consistant and fair across the board the guests she wants to invite will get the hint- but its the mothers often times that get the most hurt feelings.

    Good luck to you and a happy marriage!
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    edited May 2013
    I think the confusion began when we set the date and selected a venue over 9 months ago and shared that info with our parents. We weren't clear as to exactly who and who wouldn't be invited at that time, but didn't even think to tell our parents not to start inviting people via word of mouth. We told them that we wanted to keep it small. FI parents called all of their relatives telling them we set a date and venue details. I know this because FI father said that his sister (who my FI hasn't seen since he was 8) couldn't attend - she wasn't even on the list.

    My guess is because we are about 6 weeks away from the wedding these people (all aunts, uncles and cousins from the other side of the country) probably think the invitation is coming.  I do feel bad if these people have already made travel arrangements.

    In the end she will think it's all my fault. I'm sure it's no surprise that she has criticized every wedding decision we've made so far.
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    Your FI needs to talk to his mom.  She needs to call and apologize ASAP to anyone she invited verbally for the miscommunication.  We gave each parent a very small number of guests they could invite.  MIL wasn't happy about it, but thankfully DH got her to stop verbally inviting people after he found out about the first verbal invite and she put that couple on her list.
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    Does your FI realize the TRUE cost per guest?  Food, tax, gratuity, invitation, postage for invitation, postage for RSVP, linens, centerpieces, favors, alcohol, plus any other gratuities charged outside the caterer?  Does he realize the TRUE pricetag of all these people?

    Maybe if he did, he would stand up a bit stronger.  I'm assuming you guys are paying here.  He needs to grow a set and take care of this.  If he doesn't, you need to tell him this is throwing YOU under the bus.

    And, yes, if you guys don't set boundaries now and stop catering to what she wants your whole life will be like this.
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