Wedding Etiquette Forum

His mom keeps on adding people to the guest list!

Back when we were making our list, I wanted to invite my finace's sister's in-laws since we see them a lot, they're cool peolple, etc, and his mom gets a little stiffed-necked with me saying we need to keep the list down and not to invite so many people (we're at 90 and we need to keep it below 100, although 80 is better). 

A few days ago (while I'm in the room, but she ignores me) she asks my fiance (who is paying for the ENTIRE wedding) if she can add on a few friends.  I didn't care for that, but what's a few people, right?  A couple days later she gives my fiance a list of NINE people....!!  I grumbled to it to my fiance, but he tried to smooth it out.  I grumbled less. 

Now, yesterday, she gives him another note to add on two more people!  Plus, I find out that one of these "friends" of hers she hadn't seen or heard from since she was working over 15 years ago!! Luckily 2 people have declined, but gee golly...!! 

My fiance is too nice of a guy, he'd let anyone on if they asked sweetly enough.  How do I  ask his mom really nicely to cut it out?  I asked my dad what to do, but it wasn't exactly a "nice" approach... 



Re: His mom keeps on adding people to the guest list!

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    mlg78mlg78 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Hold up... You say two people already declined?  So this means B-listing. And B-listing is rude.  Stop inviting -- it's poor etiquette at this point.
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    SJM7538SJM7538 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    YOU don't ask her anything. Your fianc needs to take care of this. It's his mother. He needs to stop being so nice and put his foot down to his mother. It's his money, and it's your wedding. And when when I say "your" I mean you and your fiancs.
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    Have FI say to her, "Mom, we have already mailed our invitations.  To invite others at this point would be incredibly rude."  Leave it at that.
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    Your fiance needs to tell his mother that the window of opportunity to invite people has already closed since the invitations have already gone out and you are receiving back RSVPs now. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    I know you said you get along great with your sisters-in-law and that's why you wanted to invite them, but they should be invited regardless. Please tell me they're on the guest list. Spouses are always included, regardless of your relationship with them, especially when they're in-laws.

    As for the additional guests, ask FI to talk to his mother and explain that adding people on at this point is B-listing and, therefore, rude. He needs to remind her that he is paying for the wedding and needs to keep costs down. Have him explain that just because two people decline doesn't mean those spaces have to be filled. The money saved can be used for other things. 

    If he doesn't want to stand up to her, then you're stuck. Going behind his back to talk to her and put your foot down will create issues.
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    kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to Re:His mom keeps on adding people to the guest list!:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:His mom keeps on adding people to the guest list!: I read it as the sisters of one of her FI's siblings' spouses. Like we invited my FI's sister's inlaws, as in her husband's parents.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    That's how I read it as well.

    You should have gotten an explanation as to why she thought these people needed to be there, and your FI should have talked it over with her.  So someone she hasn't seen for 15 years is definitely a no etc . . . She can't just add people randomly without saying why they absolutely need to be there.  And if the invitations have indeed already gone out - whoops, sorry FMIL, too late!  You can definitely tell her that she should have come to you and FI sooner if she needed to add people, and she waited too long. 

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    I also read this as his sister's in laws. So it would be nice if they're invited, but not horrible if they're not, whereas not inviting SILs and their spouses would be a faux pas. I agree with PP. This isn't a MIL issues, this is a FI issue. He needs to stand up to he and say, 'Mom, we've mailed the invited and the list is final. No additional people will be invited.' If you are saying that people declined after the STDates, you still have to sendt invites and don't count on th not attending; their plans may change.

    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Have your FI, no matter how hard he finds it, tell his mother, "Mom, I'm sorry but the wedding invitation boat has sailed.  We are not inviting any additional people."

    Make it clear that he can't throw you under the bus when he tells her this-it has to be a mutual requirement coming from you both.
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