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Question about inviting children

hordolhordol member
First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited May 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So my FI and I have about 6 weeks until the wedding. We already sent the invites and have a final guest list and don't really have the room to alter it, but I do want to know your opinions because I would like to know for future reference. I see the most common suggestion on this board regarding children is either all or none, or invited in circles.

(ETA: When I say 'future reference' I do not mean that I am planning on having another wedding at some point, lol, only that i would like to know for knowledge's sake.)

We invited some children, but not all. We didn't invite in circles either. Frankly, I believe children are people, too, and it's silly to say you should invite all or none. We don't do that with adults, why would I treat children like that? (I am a teacher and love kids, but I didn't feel obligated to invite every single one just because I invited some.)

Example: I invited all children that are in the family and the children of close friends and people in the bridal party (including my pastor's kids). Friends of ours that we are not as close to and FI or I don't really know the kids, we did not invite. We haven't had any backlash on this that we are aware of.

I would say we "excluded" 8 or so kids because of this. Was that rude of us? Like I said, it's too late for me to change it now but I do want to know what I was supposed to do. I haven't had any complaints about this, only one instance of someone changing the number of seats on their RSVP card to add their kids onto it. That really bugged me, but I just let it go because we did have a couple declines so I figured I could just let them come. I know a few of these friends are excited to have a "date night" at the wedding without the kids, so I know they will not be upset, but I don't know for sure how everyone will handle it.
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Re: Question about inviting children

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    I think it depends on those are who were excluded?     If you invited some close friend' kids s within the same circle and not others, yes.   If you invited some of your cousin's kids and not others, again yes.  You invited your close friend's, but not kids of co-workers, then no. Or you invited your nieces/nephews but not your cousins kids, no.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    hordolhordol member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Okay, thanks. The excluded kids were from my coworker and a few of FI's friends. They aren't bffs or anything, he sees them a few times a year at various birthday parties and such for his circle of friends. But they are technically part of his circle cause they are mutual friends of his friends, but just not as close, and we did invite some kids out of that circle (the ones we see every couple weeks and their parents are close enough that they are in the bridal party and such). I guess you could say we invited the "inner" circles kids, because we see them regularly every few weeks and are part of their lives, but not the "outer" circle's where we only see them if there is a big party or something, usually 3 or 4 times a year.
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    We had very few kids who were invited to our wedding, mostly b/c we have very few friends with young children. I am going to be perfectly honest and say that what we did do was probably rude by etiquette standards, but I found a loophole and didn't care. 

    We had 3 guests who have babies. We invited them. One of my bridesmaids has 2 stepsons. We invited them. Jimmy has 4 nieces and nephews who are school aged, and I have 2 cousins (of the ones I still speak to) who are school aged. We invited them. Jimmy's nieces and nephew didn't come b/c his sister didn't want to bring them from FL. I knew before I sent the invitations that this would be the case, but of course still invited them. 

     Two of my friends have school aged children that we did not invite. One of them is a holy terror and I knew that even if we invited him, his parents would not bring him; they never bring him to social functions b/c of his behavior. Maybe I should have invited him since I knew I'd be safe, but I didn't. The other 2 kids I didn't invite were a coworker's. I didn't even want to invite HER, but I "had to" b/c she was a member of my department, and I invited everyone in the department. But I can't stand her. I barely know her or her husband and just didn't really want their kids their, either. 

    I felt I could get away with this b/c the only kids who WERE invited then were babies and family if anyone asked (I consider my bridesmaid family, so her stepsons are, too) and I knew nobody would side eye that. 


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    hordolhordol member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2013
    scribe95 said:
    I'm a fan of inviting all or none, or in pretty defined circles etc. I know some friends who would definitely be offended to show up and see all these kids running around and wonder why my kids weren't good enough. Especially since you said you did invite some kids within that circle but not others.
    I get what you are saying here, and I'm not *too* worried about people being offended by who we did or did not invite, because we did a pretty good job of being accommodating over all. I guess my point was that children are people too--if we are not all or none with adults, why are we that way with children? I guess if just FI and I were invited to a wedding and not our (non-existent at this point) kids, and I saw other kids there, I wouldn't immediately think "How RUDE that our kids couldn't come but that couple's could!!" when I have no idea about the relationship of those kids to the couple getting married. If the couple didn't know my kids, why would I expect them to be invited? Kids are people, they are not "things" you invite just to be fair.

    Note: This is all coming from a childless person. So maybe my attitude will change when I have kids.
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    It may be grey area but I think you are good since it sounds like the kids invited that aren't either close family or WP are kids you know and are involved with. Just like adults I don't feel we have to invite everyone from every circle, you invite those that you are close with.
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    Personally, I say all or none because it's easier to give a good reason why they weren't invited. They can't say "So and so's kids are here; why coudn't mine come?" But really, I just don't want kids at my wedding (not a big fan), and we don't have the extra space at our venue either. If you can explain you didn't have space/budget for them, I think it's okay though. People can get really pissed about that, but it shouldn't affect the bride too much. If they have an issue with it, it's their problem.
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    I think what you did was fine - you invited the kids you're close to; that's a "circle" in and of itself, IMO.

     

    We did something similar.  We invited all family kids and all OOT kids.  We didn't invite any local non-family kids (as one of the first in our friend groups to get married we weren't really excluding many).  I honestly wish we'd just invited them all - I think it would have added, like, 6 kids if they all came (we had 40+ already) and it turns out one of our family friends declined b/c they couldn't get a sitter.  I felt so awful when I found out; and he went ahead and came to the church alone and saw all the children in attendance.  I really wish he'd told us why they couldn't come :-/

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