The Groom

stacyc19791

Hey I wasn't sure where to put this question but since I'm getting married around Pittsburgh figured why not.

My FI and I were dating for 5 1/2 yrs before getting engaged without getting into to much info he has a VERY VERY big fear of marriage. Bad family history of his mother getting married multiple times so he just doesn't see the point, but eventually he caved and asked me to marry him because he knew it was something I wanted. 

Now we were going to just elope but my mother has MS and I was asked by my father to have a small ceremony so my mom could be their. Ok no problem. FI says small wedding because of his fear so I have 50-60 guests (all my relatives live near my mom so it's hard to have a wedding but not invite them).

My FI doesn't know a thing about weddiings but knows he doesn't want a photographer, doesn't want to be announced after the ceremony.  I understand that he has this fear of getting married but I really don't want to look silly in front of relatives.

So I guess my question is, has anyone else been in or around the same boat with their groom and if so what did you do to?  I try explaining stuff but he doesn't listen!

carlyanne05

Wow, it sounds like you have your hands full trying to figure this one out.  Unfortunately, I don't have any advice from personal experience or others, but have the two of you discussed the idea of counseling?  Your FI obviously loves you enough to take this step that is so fearful for him, so maybe it would be beneficial for him to have professional help to not only make this more of a pleasant experience, but to also not be afraid of your future together.  I would gently approach and push for this if you feel he may possibly be open to it.  Good luck!

cgyvhu

I'd also suggest some counseling, and I'd suggest cutting down on the size of the wedding if you haven't sent save-the-dates.  Even if you have a lot of relatives in town, you can politely tell them that you and FI want a very intimate wedding.

Do you want photographers, announcements, etc or do you just want to look "normal" in front of relatives?  If it's the latter, I'd seriously consider trimming the guest list and the problem is solved.

good luck.

jlbaxter33

My FI also had a huge fear of weddings. His parents got married shot-gun style and fight constantly. It took him 5 years before he proposed, but he finally did, and now we are planning the wedding. He is very involved. 

Personally, I have a hard time getting married and not having a photographer there, so, how do you feel? Do you want all of those things? Are you ok if he isn't really involved with the planning? I think counseling is also the way to go. I am fearful that after you are married, if you have one fight he'll blame it on marriage and will continue to blame marriage for lots of things. So, I would try to "nip it in the bud" early and go see a counselor. 

cgyvhu

good point, jl.  It's very different to be fearful of a wedding, which is just a one-day party, than to be fearful of marriage itself.  My guess is he has a fear of both based on what you said.  I hope you guys find someone you can talk through this with.

fwiw, FI and I aren't having a religious ceremony that requires pre-marital counseling, but we might do it anyway.  I just dont see how it can hurt!

dbpsu18

I agree with pp. Maybe you and FI can sit down and come up with a list of what is really important for both you and FI on your wedding day, and then see what you can meet in the middle on.

But as others said, conselling might be a good idea, esp with what jl said.

We are having a catholic wedding so had to do pre-marriage classes... and we both loved them! I told DF that I hope after we get married that we can make a point to do a marriage retreat every couple years. There wasn't a lot of religious pushing.. it was mostly just a chance for him and i to talk about issues!

I will recommend a book that we got after the class called Things I wish I knew before I got Married - by Gary Chapman. It might be considered a christian book but I don't know why because there was not real mention of religion only in that this is a topic that should be discussed before marriage if it is important to both or one of you.

stacyc19791

Thank you all for your recommendations. I would love to try to do counceling, I'm just not sure if he will do it.  Also, it was asked if I wanted the photographer and extras, honestly I do not want a full photgrapher, I would like a few pictures taken of that day but not from the moment that I wake up to the end of the reception.  I have a family friend that takes pictures as a hobby I think I might have her take some.

My ultimate wedding would have been in the caribbean somewhere just him and I. 

I think we will sit down and talk about what is important to both of us, he does throw his two cents in here and there (i.e. he does want the dancing and a cake (i mentioned cupcakes and he didn't like the idea) so he is getting involved but it's slow going.

Thanks again for sharing your opinion
Stacy

Pirata13

Wow, I would really urge you to get counseling. And if he refuses to go, that's not a good sign. I understand why he is somewhat fearful, but him only proposing "because he knew you wanted it" is not all that positive. Have you discussed children and how you both feel about that? I think almost any bride would not like the idea of not having a photographer. I mean, he doesn't want to acknowledge the marriage/wedding by having pictures or an announcement that you are Mr. & Mrs.

I agree with PPs idea of making lists and comparing what is important to you, see if you can compromise. And if FI won't go to counseling, I strongly urge you to go to counseling on your own. It can be very nice to have someone neutral to bounce things off of and vent to. There are a lot of things you guys need to talk about if you haven't already--kids, bank accounts, etc. Will he introduce you as his wife and if not, how would you feel about that?

And please don't think I am trying to be negative or anything--I'm just trying to pose questions I would have if I were in your shoes. H & I didn't face anything that serious before we got married, but we did make sure to discuss A LOT of issues before we got married. it's hard to ask questions and hear the answers sometimes but when we did we felt a lot better knowing we agreed or came to a compromise together. Good Luck!

pantherRN

Stacy, I saw your post this afternoon while I was at work on my phone. I came back to write a reply, but Pirata wrote exactly what I was going to. Almost word for word, so I'm not going to repeat it.

I wish you two the best of luck,