Wedding Etiquette Forum

XP...Disgusted with GM...by brother!!!

LAM524LAM524 member
100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
edited May 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi everyone, (hope I indicated this right.. is my repeat post from Wedding Party)

Sorry I am gonna rant but truly cant talk to anyone about this!!!! I am so terribly hurt for my FI!!!!!!

some history: I have 3 brothers and my FI has none. One of the things that my FI feels very strongly about is how he considers my brothers HIS brothers, because he has none, and really looks forward to their brotherly relationships. He has already asked my brothers to be his groomsmen.

With one of my brothers he felt an immediate connection with because they both are Christian musicians and Pastors. Last year, this brother "G" expressed the desire to move back by us, his family, from out of state. Since my FI had a big house all to himself he invited "G" to room with him. He accepted. They both thought it was a great idea. The plan was that my FI would mentor my brother at church and hopefully, eventually "G" could fill in for my FI to take some time off here and there. They also thought it would give them great opportunities to write and record music together. After several months, "G" decided to make the move!

Unfortunately, within those months,  my FI 2 homes were thrown on his "divorce" table. (He was tangled up in the divorce from hell for 1.5 yrs) My FI decided to let his ex buy him out of their "rental" property. The house he was living in since their split.yrs.  Because "G" had already made the decision to move back, and had given his employer notice, he went forth with it and moved in with our mother. (last May)

This past year, both my FI and "G" have spent time together here and there, playing music, playing at church and just hanging out. In other words, all seemed great!!! Well, 2 weeks ago "G" called me with complaints about my FI. How FI didnt send him music that he was suppose to send! How FI doesnt return his calls all the time...or his texts. I listened with an open mind. Its true, my FI doesnt always return calls or texts immediately. He works very hard and sometimes crazy hours within his church. He also has gigs outside of church on the weekends. Whereas my brother hasnt worked in about 3 months because he hurt his back.

As far as not emailing "G" the music he "promised" I am positive it slipped his mind. "G" also complained that my FI wasnt doing the mentor thing with him at church for the last 3 months and wasnt inviting him to play. (My FI stopped inviting him because my brother, several times, accepted the invite and without notice didnt show up for the church service where he was needed.  We would hear from him days later with different reasons for his absence) After he complained about my FI not mentoring him, he acknowledged that he wasnt coming because he had no gas or toll money but lied to us because he was embarrassed BUT then still continued to complain!!

 Every complaint was followed with " I know hes a nice guy and wouldnt mean to intentially hurt anyone..." THEN my brother went into the "roommate" situation. He complained that it didnt work out and how he is now stuck living with our mother, who is a very mean woman! (true) The crazy thing was he had a "disclaimer" before, during and after the complaints! All making his complaints non valid!!! "I know he gave up the house in his divorce and that is whats best for him and the situation but..." I ended up telling my brother that I was sorry he felt this way and that Id hope he would see how FI values and cares for him with his gesture of asking him to be GM. He said he did.

Its my brothers response to this that is killing me. "G" told me that he was shocked that my FI asked him to be his GM and that the only reason he said yes was because of me and that as long as Im happy, so is he!!!! OMG!!!! My heart immediately was crushed!!!! All I could manage to say was "thank you" but what I really wanted to say was "Ummm...dont do him any favors and back the hell out!"

Of course I havent repeated any of this to my FI. It would crush him. Especially because this is the brother he feels closest to! I need your advice! I dont know what to think of it all but pissy things!!! I am really hurt for my FI. Im am angry at my brother for his petty bull@%$^! I cant stand the thought of walking that aisle to my FI and seeing my brother up there beside him!! Who wants fake??? I dont do fake well!! I just dont know how to process this.

Im too close it it, so Im hoping outsiders can show me some clarity! Thank you all for your time.

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Re: XP...Disgusted with GM...by brother!!!

  • OP, I really suggest condensing your post. To everyone else, the cliff notes are basically that her FI and brother have a pre-existing friendship and brother was asked to be GM. Brother complained to OP about being asked because FI hasn't gotten him sheet music, stopped inviting him to play in his band, and stopped trying to mentor him in his church. Also, FI originally invited brother to live with him and that fell through because he lost his house in a divorce and now brother has to live with their mean mother.


    OP, if your brother doesn't want to be a GM, he should decline. If brother wants to rekindle his friendship, you should encourage him to talk to your FI about it.

    I don't really feel like this situation involves you. I wouldn't be the middleman if I were you, let them work it out.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • Thanks for the CN, Muppet. That has to be the longest post I have ever seen. I don't really know what the question is, but I agree it sounds like if your brother doesn't want to be in the wedding, he should be a big boy and say he's not interested.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers

    This is exactly why individuals should ask those close to them, not just because of their gender.  You should have asked your brothers to stand up with you because I doubt there would be anyone dropping out of the wedding if that were the case.

     

    I'll admit -- I didn't read every word of what you posted after about 2/3 of the way...it was WAY too wordy...but what I did read had me already forming the opinion that your FI basically made a bunch of promises and your brother was lead to believe he was moving into a pretty cool situation and then slowly but surely, everything has crumbled.  I don't blame your brother for being mad! Shame on your FI!

     

    And please -- condense your story.  You won't get many responses because nobody wants to read THAT much.

  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Thanks for the condensing Muppet...although not completely accurate. I have to say...you made me have a great laugh out loud! Thanks!! Your last line with "mean" mother really made whats true seem so childish! Something a 5 year old would say not a 39 yr old..and yes that was my exact point. To me, hes childish! I really did need to laugh!

    Im sorry so long. Its all congested my mind! Truth is, Im not middleman. My FI knows nothing about it.  Brother accepted GM position months ago. They still have a friendship also. Its my problem because it is hurting me as to why he accepted. His complaints also hurt.

    I will try to condense. Once I can figure out the short of it. I should just probably remove it. :/ Its all toxic!

    tinkerbell gif photo: Tinkerbell stuck in keyhole animated gif Peterpan2_coince9e.gif
  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    @ Addiel...WOW..I never thought of this. You are right...maybe he doesnt want to be in it. (even tho he expressed he did)

    tinkerbell gif photo: Tinkerbell stuck in keyhole animated gif Peterpan2_coince9e.gif
  • It is unfortunate that your FI had to give up his second house in his divorce. I don't know all the details obviously, but it doesn't sound like that worked out how FI wanted it to either so I wouldn't say your brother was screwed over, just unfortunately affected by a friends messy divorce.

    I think your brother is just having trouble getting back on his feet and is looking for someone to blame. Essentially, venting to you as you are venting to us. I would suggest letting things cool off for a bit. You have described a long friendship between FI and G, not to mention G is family. Try not to do anything rash. I hope you feel better from your vent!
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  • LAM2228 said:
    Thanks for the condensing Muppet...although not completely accurate. I have to say...you made me have a great laugh out loud! Thanks!! Your last line with "mean" mother really made whats true seem so childish! Something a 5 year old would say not a 39 yr old..and yes that was my exact point. To me, hes childish! I really did need to laugh!

    Im sorry so long. Its all congested my mind! Truth is, Im not middleman. My FI knows nothing about it.  Brother accepted GM position months ago. They still have a friendship also. Its my problem because it is hurting me as to why he accepted. His complaints also hurt.

    I will try to condense. Once I can figure out the short of it. I should just probably remove it. :/ Its all toxic!
    You totally wrote that your mother is "a very mean woman".

    I know you haven't told FI, I was suggesting you let your brother talk to FI about all this. I do think it's appropriate for you to tell your brother that you feel hurt that he accepted when it's not in his heart...since he did choose you as his audience.

    Isn't there something Christian about forgiveness and brotherly love that could be brought up to him also?
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    @mig,,you are right..they should ask those close to them and that is why my FI did ask him. Sorry about the long post...I understand why you skipped most of my novel! :) The truth is the only thing that "crumbled" for my brother was his plans to live with my FI. but I assure you that it was a bigger "crumble" for my FI as it was his house that was lost in the divorce. No shame is his. Besides my brother had plenty of notice to make other arrangements or even stay put in his job until he could afford to make the move on his own, The other "crumble" was on my brother who didnt keep his responsibilities to perform under my FI at church. When my brother would commit to playing guitar then my FI wouldnt ask another musician to play that same instrument so when brother wouldnt show up, FI was without a musician. Eventually, after many many no shows, my FI did stop inviting him.

    tinkerbell gif photo: Tinkerbell stuck in keyhole animated gif Peterpan2_coince9e.gif
  • Yeah, sounds like your brother needs to have a chat with FI.

    I will note that sometimes people collect gripes against people so that they can use them in arguments against them later. FMIL does this to me.  It sounds like your brother is doing this.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Oh yes Muppet....I know I wrote it. Its what my brother did say. There was just something about seeing it that made me laugh!!!

    Sorry, I didnt realize you were suggesting I tell my brother to talk to FI. The crazy thing is they still hang out...talk shop etc. They never skipped a beat thats why my head was spinning during the convo with my brother. Thank you. You said it perfectly, it does seem like its not in his heart.

    As far as me, I guess Ive been trying to just deal with it on my own and not bring it up to my brother but you have given me something to seriously consider. Especially because its been 2 weeks and its still heavy on my heart.

    I like your point about brotherly love and forgiveness! To add....grace is appropriate here! I do feel that grace should be given...geez my FI got divorced!! It wasnt personal! I would never bring this up to my brother tho. He would take it like I was pointing out that his Christianity is weak.

    tinkerbell gif photo: Tinkerbell stuck in keyhole animated gif Peterpan2_coince9e.gif
  • MuppetFanMuppetFan member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2013
    Men aren't like women with the heart-to-heart talk. They normally have difficulty expressing their feelings to each other.  (ETA: Heck, one of my closest friends, B, had NO idea that his best friend in the world, J, carried around a significant amount of hurt around for 2 years because B didn't go to the funeral of J's mother. They still hung out and did things... It didn't come up until B realized he wasn't in J's wedding party and they finally had a real talk about it).

    I am not religious, so I don't know what's appropriate to say but since the three of you are, I thought I'd point it out so you could think about it.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    @daveANDkristen...thank you. It was a "compromise" that my FI HAD to make and in no way meant to screw my brother over. Yes, I do feel better for my vent but embarrassed at its length. :/


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  • Unrelated - you look a lot like my florist, LAM
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Yes Muppet....and I did lean on my beliefs, strongly, during the conversation but I dont always do it right and I dont think Im doing it right now. Im realizing that one of my mistakes (which led me to be shocked and hurt) was that I EXPECT him to be graceful. Although he acknowledged reasons why things havent/didnt happen, he showed no grace in complaining. Thank you!

    tinkerbell gif photo: Tinkerbell stuck in keyhole animated gif Peterpan2_coince9e.gif
  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Muppet...really?? They say we all have a twin out there!!! Would be interesting to see a pic! My own sis doesnt look like me!

    tinkerbell gif photo: Tinkerbell stuck in keyhole animated gif Peterpan2_coince9e.gif
  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    BTW....Addiel...does TK give a badge for the longest "purge" post ever? :) Sorry again!

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  • edited August 2013
    Post removed due to GBCK
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    @ scribe...Im sorry if I gave a wrong impression. FI does follow up on texts and calls, after work. He doesnt take calls or texts (if they are personal). He cant counsel people or lead a band during service and stop to communicate. Just as most people dont while they are working...and I was very happy that my brother accepted to be a part of the wedding. Just hurt and surprised at his reasoning.

    @ Pele...I'm sorry to hear that you have chronic pain. I too suffer with chronic pain after 6 neck surgeries and now possibly crohns disease. I know how terrible it is.  Especially when your mind is great and your body says no go! You are right, my brother does get depressed and feels helpless at times. My brother never said he doesnt want to be in the wedding. He just said that he is doing it for me which shocks me because they have been friends for some time. 

    As far as music not being important to my FI, it absolutely is. It is what he does for a living and its his passion. Where my brother is concerned, my FI does have a job to do. So when my brother stopped showing up after he committed to play during a weekly service, my FI had no choice but to use different musicians. Its what my FI gets paid to do. He cant fail at his job. My FI and brother still get together, on a personal level, and play/talk shop. Just not at church. My brother is still involved with music and going to school for sound. He is also working with a recording artist on a 16 song "album" where by brother is writing the lyrics. Very great stuff!!!! He just got done laying tracks for Jason Mraz!!! Very cool things are happening for him!

    Ive been thinking long and hard about this. I will probably talk with my brother and see where is reasoning is at now and take it from there.

    btw...I bet that cake tasted super great!!!!! :) I once cried because I HAD to clean the toilet and then cried because I DID clean the toilet!!! :)

    tinkerbell gif photo: Tinkerbell stuck in keyhole animated gif Peterpan2_coince9e.gif
  • I don't see why not. It gives badges for everything else.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    In response to stages novel :)  my novel and my advance apologies:

    @stage....Im sorry I appreciate the time you took to comment but most of it is inaccurate.

    1) As far as their "brotherly" relationship...my FI was not unrealistic. They have known each other for years. This is what he feels about/towards my brother. For them, there was a connection from "go" and these 2 both have expressed care and love for one another very early on. Otherwise, I do not think my brother would have felt so hurt.

    2) My brother did not make a cross country move (although any move even from one state away feels cross country) :)  My brother expressed an immediate desire to relocate but his indecisiveness led to a long lapse in actually moving. Although those months had no bearing on my FI's room mate offer,  the divorce did. If my brother would have come sooner, he would have been on the spot to find a place to live because the house still would have been a part of my FI divorce settlement. Actually, in my opinion, it worked out better for my brother that he did not come right away because it gave him the opportunity to decide if he wanted to live with mom. My brother is not a victim here. He knew exactly what my FI was dealing with in his divorce. Nothing was a surprise to him. He chose to come and he chose to live with our mother instead of staying put and saving money for an apt.

    My brother also did not lose his job. (something that I didnt explain) He gave notice but as a Pastor his position was still available (still is) working with addicts. He also lived where he worked and his room went with the position. Again, my brother is not a victim here.

    3) My Fl did have plans to "co-write" with my brother and they do. Have never stopped. Im not sure where you got the idea that he was getting him "gigs" because that is not true and wasnt mentioned, unless you are referring to my brother volunteering at church under my FI, and playing in the band. If this is the case, then Ive already explained that my FI has a job to perform and when someone doesnt show up, he must replace him.  Again, after much time, he stopped inviting him to play. I came to find it from my brother that it was a financial issue (gas) but he never mentioned this problem. (If he did, we would have given him money or even picked him up). Actually, he never mentioned anything, not even notice of cancellation. Truthfully, at first, I was disappointed, after a while, I got embarrassed because the other Pastors and band members would ask me where he was and I had no knowing.

    As far as mentoring him for the music pastors role,  its not possible if my brother doesnt show up. Believe me, my FI is far more disappointed in this then my brother. (As of now, we cant even go on a honeymoon because their is nobody to fill in for him). FI does mentor him on music and theory. As far as the email, sending him music, my FI did forget...one time....because he IS busy working on music, something he does take very seriously in his calling as as Pastor and his personal gigs. Ya know,  I hardly think someone forgetting to send sheet music is a crime...especially when my brother just wanted to learn it casually (meaning there was no financial gain associated with him learning it). Besides, he did send it about a week later and well before my brother called me and shared his feelings.

    Oops! My timing was off in my original post! Im sorry..time has flown!!! My FI divorce was finalized a year ago so he is not "busy dealing" with it therefore not tending to my brother. As a matter of fact, this makes this "room mate" situation 1.5 years old!! This is one thing that makes this issue shocking to me!

    *Also, my brother has plenty "to do" as he attends school for sound engineering and is currently on paid contract to write a 16 song album.

    As Ive already said, the music and mentoring (music) is still ongoing and has never stopped! (outside of church) If they do not meet it is because my brother cancels or just does not show (which is very inconsiderate). This is something he is known for. Actually, my FI did consider this but he thought it wouldnt be the case because it involved "church" ...ultimately deciding to invite and encourage my brothers involvement He really did look forward to it.

    I hope I cleared some things up. I have to say, I get some of your confusion with the facts but you have really stomped me with your remark about my FI having "outlandish assumptions" & your not understanding "what the hell" it means that they would be like brothers. Let me add some clarity. Because my FI has no brothers, he really enjoys my brothers and looks forward to the time they share together and the prospect of their future. He has known them for years and loves all 3 of them. As "real" brothers do they socialize, they laugh & cry together, pray together, they support each other during their ups and downs and they share their "secrets" with each other. This is why he asked them to be his Gm's. He is proud and honored to consider them brothers. I suppose he would call them best friends but because of my relation to them and our future marriage, they are his brothers. He also has a "brotherly relationship" with them in Christ.

    Seriously, why is that outlandish? Would it have been more acceptable if I put "in-law" after the title brother and said he looks forward to their brother-in law relationships? (ironically, neither of us like the "in-law" tag or the "step" tag for that matter) :) Would he be wrong to look forward to gaining more family members and sharing a life with them once we are married? He embraces my ENTIRE family and will consider all of them HIS family when we are married. Just as I will consider his sister, (btw...he does have a sibling) my sister and treat her with the same respect and care as I do my biological sister. I do now without his last name!

    * Yes,  I was pissed at my brother. (more shocked then pissed) He victimized himself in his complaints about choices he made and seems to now be suffering the consequences. With the exception of the forgotten/delayed email! Even at that, he could have reminded my FI. Geez! Also, I did see things from his perspective and responded with grace. Thats doesnt mean I do not have feelings about it and didnt need a safe place to vent.

    I assumed (more accurate then expectation) that my brother accepted to be my FI's GM because of their relationship not because Im his sister. So yes, I am hurt for my FI.  I think my FI deserves to be surrounded my men who want to be there, genuinely, for him! Im sure we all want the best for our fiances!



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  • Yeah, I've noticed that with most of your posts in general. Condensing significantly will make people read them. I can't read the last post, I got 1/3 through.
    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Sorry guys...will def. work on cutting my posts down. It really is a result of my job! I appreciate your feedback and your time!

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