Wedding Etiquette Forum

Lost bridesmaid accommodation

I have an international bridesmaid who, long story short, guilted me into allowing her to be a BM. I would have preferred she be a guest. I actually heeded Knotties' advice and just said okay. She was my exchange student in high school and we have stayed in contact every since, visiting one another every couple of years.

Late last year, my mom insisted that she and her boyfriend stay at their house when they were in town. I told my BM. So everything was settled.

Since then, my parents suddenly moved (their house wasn't up for sale, but someone put an offer on their house they couldn't refuse) and they moved into less expensive living quarters - a condo. Their flat has only two bedrooms. The building has a suite with another two bedrooms that can be rented out for around $150 per night. When they moved, I asked my mom if I should find my international BM another place to stay, and she said no, that they'd rent the suite for them and stick with their original offer

My brother and his girlfriend will only be in town on Friday and Saturday night and they'll be sharing the suite, so my dad now refuses to pay for anything but the two nights my brother will be in. The international bridesmaid will be here a total of seven nights, which leaves me with four nights unaccounted for. I don't want to put them in the position where they'd have to arrive to bring their things to a hotel, haul them to the suite at the condo, then back to the hotel - but $750 is a lot (that would come out of my own bank account) when we're on a budget paying for the wedding and we will not be staying in a hotel room ourselves, even on our wedding night. But I also don't want to stick the BM with the costs that I originally said wouldn't be there.

Do you have any suggestions? Do I just put the $750 on my credit card and call it a loss? I'm drawing a blank here.

Thank you!

Re: Lost bridesmaid accommodation

  • What does your mom have to say? It wasn't very nice of her to say it was okay (even after the move) and then rescind. I agree that you can't spring lodging costs on your BM now. She may not have booked the trip if she knew she would have to pay for a hotel. At the very least, could your mom split it with you? You are in a tough position. You can't MAKE your mom do anything, and you can't leave your BM homeless for the week.
  • winelover123winelover123 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2013
    I'll be honest, $750 is also quite a bit to me too. I wouldn't pay for all of it. I'd just be honest with the BM, explain the situation and hopefully she'll have no problem paying for it or offering to stay elsewhere. If she does, are you willing to go halfsies? $375 feels a lot better coming out of the bank account than $750.

    ETA: Andrea has a great idea too - is your mom willing to put anything in?
  • My mom's money = my dad's money. Dad says no. Mom hasn't been returning my phone calls, but I only just learned of this earlier today. Only my dad will talk to me about it.
  • It looks like your mom said yes, then your dad said no. That really sucks of your dad to rescind the invitation your mom made. Is there a way you could pay half and they could pay the other half?
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  • Your mom offered and your dad is rescinding that offer... seems it's an issue your parents need to work out. Sucks you're stuck in the middle but really it is not your or your friends reaponsibility to pay. Your parents need to stand by their word.
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  • Is there anywhere else nearby that she could stay that would be cheaper than $750 that you could spring for?
  • Why couldn't they stay in your parents spare bedroom? Presumably the exchange student lived with your family and your parents know her. Then mom would be standing by her word and dad wouldn't have to pony up any more cash. I agree that this sucks, and I would talk to the BM before just laying down $750, but I'd talk to your parents and possibly other friends/realtives in the area first, just to see if something could be worked out.
  • Kate61487 said:
    Why couldn't they stay in your parents spare bedroom? Presumably the exchange student lived with your family and your parents know her. Then mom would be standing by her word and dad wouldn't have to pony up any more cash. I agree that this sucks, and I would talk to the BM before just laying down $750, but I'd talk to your parents and possibly other friends/realtives in the area first, just to see if something could be worked out.
    Exactly what I was thinking... Or the suite that your brother and his girlfriend are staying in has two bedrooms - why can't they share it for 2 nights? Unless they're using both bedrooms, that would work. Then the exchange student just stays there after your brother and his girlfriend go home.
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  • It sucks, but I don't think it's your issue. This agreement was between your mom & the exchange student, so keep it that way. 
  • Kate61487 said:

    Why couldn't they stay in your parents spare bedroom? Presumably the exchange student lived with your family and your parents know her. Then mom would be standing by her word and dad wouldn't have to pony up any more cash. I agree that this sucks, and I would talk to the BM before just laying down $750, but I'd talk to your parents and possibly other friends/realtives in the area first, just to see if something could be worked out.

    Whoops, I should have mentioned that the wedding is in my hometown where I no longer live - FI and I will be up there for a week and a half around the wedding. So either we would pay for a hotel for ourselves or we would pay for one for them

    I could do a last minute Priceline bid to get a nightly rate for less than $100 without sticking them in a sort of a bummer hotel or something 10-15 minutes away but I would be able to get low rates until the few weeks beforehand. If it comes to it, I'll just have to put them up in a suburb or we'd stay out there ourselves, because I'd feel rude plopping them quite a ways away.

    And, naturally, none of our extended family members live within an hour of the city, so it wouldn't quite work out. We're the "city slickers", as they all call us.
  • Okay, that makes sense. I would still tell your mother that she is the only who offered, so she needs to explain to BM that they're no longer able to take her in for the week (which for the record, I think it asking too much for the immediate family of the bride). 
  • Okay, that makes sense. I would still tell your mother that she is the only who offered, so she needs to explain to BM that they're no longer able to take her in for the week (which for the record, I think it asking too much for the immediate family of the bride). 

    That's a really great idea... It will definitely give my parents some perspective. Thank you!
  • Okay, that makes sense. I would still tell your mother that she is the only who offered, so she needs to explain to BM that they're no longer able to take her in for the week (which for the record, I think it asking too much for the immediate family of the bride). 
    This.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Okay, that makes sense. I would still tell your mother that she is the only who offered, so she needs to explain to BM that they're no longer able to take her in for the week (which for the record, I think it asking too much for the immediate family of the bride). 
    This.

    Yup, given your update I think this is the way to go.

    ETA: If she's already booked flights and appeals to you about it I'd still probably offer to split the cost and each pay $375 for the condo.

  • Your Mom offered to let the BM stay with her, but you made the arrangements between the two of them so you are involved in it. Please don't just step away and make your BM deal with your Mom on this. You should explain to your Mom the position the she has put you in and tell her that you already offered the BM a place to stay and it's really inconsiderate to rescind it now and expect her to pay for her own accomadations when she didn't factor that into her original budget for your wedding. Tell your Mom that you and FI are now going to be stuck paying for the suite that she offered and you can't really afford it. Maybe if your Dad knows that you will be paying for it instead he will change his mind.
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  • I know that your mom already offered, but did she know that your friend would be staying for a week? That seems like a lot even if she was actually staying at your parents place.
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