Family fights, who to invite?

thkewedding

My mom passed away a couple of years ago. I know I should invite her side of the family, I just don't know which family to invite though. There are some family members that I haven't seen since her funeral. Also, she came from a family of 5, and most of them don't talk to each other. There was a huge family fight when my grandma passed years ago, and most of them haven't spoke since then (My mom did still talk to everyone because she didn't want to be involved in the fighting). I don't know who to invite. I was thinking of inviting all my aunts and my uncle, but letting them know I did so, so they can opt not to come if they can't get past their fighting on my big day. I should add that my aunts and uncles all have grown children who have children. (My family is awkwardly spaced in age!) Inviting everyone put my side of the guest list up to around 75 or so people. 

32daisies

I think that you should invite the family members you want to invite, aunts and uncles, or include their children too if you want, don't if you don't want, and take a deep breath and leave it at that. 

I say this as someone who has family members that I don't speak to, for reasons absolutely not worth getting into, but in other words, I'm in the shoes your mother's family is in. And in those shoes, I would want you to invite anyone you want to your wedding, and not make our family issues your worry. 

Don't be angry if some of them decline. They might want to be there with you very much, but part of not getting involved in their family drama is just that, not getting involved, not asking questions, not judging reasons. I'm just throwing out there that it might not be "they can't get past their fighting on your big day". It might be more complicated than that, more hurtful, more a question of keeping the peace by avoidance, less about you. Don't let what's going on with them dictate your day, but don't let their decisions reflect on your day either. I hope that makes sense.

Edited to say: I forgot to say this, but, my sympathies, sincerely, that you have to navigate these murky waters. It's never fun.

thkewedding

I definitely know some of them wouldn't want to come if others are coming, and I can understand that. I just don't want to be the "bad person" for inviting people that they don't want to run into. 

32daisies

sthorne91 said:

I definitely know some of them wouldn't want to come if others are coming, and I can understand that. I just don't want to be the "bad person" for inviting people that they don't want to run into. 

You won't be. At least. not in the world of etiquette, and not in the opinion of many who care about you. You're just staying out of it. Good luck, and I know you'll have a wonderful wedding. Hang in there. Families, right?

OliveOilsMom

Your story was like reading about my mom's family.  I ended up not inviting any of her family to our wedding.  I do wish I had invited my mom's cousins, but I thought it would be best to completely avoid her family.  My parents allowed me & H create the guest list, although I did ask her if she wanted her cousins to attend.

Also, remember that if you invite the aunt/uncles, you do not have to invite their grown children and grandchildren.

It doesn't sound like you are very close with this side of the family, so I would probably not invite them.  But this is a decision you need to make for yourself, in the end.

southernbelle0915

It sounds like there are two issues at play here:

1) feuding family members who dislike each others' company

2) space

For issue #1, invite the relatives you are close to and leave the rest off. If the ones you invite are the feuding ones, I don't see an issue with letting both parties know that the other was invited in case that weighs into their decision to come (it really shouldn't if they're adult enough to put their issues aside to support you on your wedding day). 

For issue #2, it sounds like you are trying to invite in circles (i.e. all aunts and uncles, all 1st cousins, etc.) and it's giving you huge numbers. It's definitely a diplomatic way to invite, but not necessary. You are free to invite who you want. If it were me and I wanted to keep inviting in circles, I would nix the kids of your grown first cousins, but I don't know your family dynamic, so that's just an option to consider.

loca4pook

This is MY advice..from experience. Invite who you want, screw who they get along with because you never know who will show up..

 

I worreid alot about this at my wedding, so did DH. We purposely did NOT invite people because they had conflicts with those we DID invite. In the end, those we chose to invite (instead of the "enemies" )ended up canceling for wedding and I ended up looking like a jerk for those I excluded..

 

Invite who YOU want, not who other people tell you to invite/not invite..unless THEY are paying.

 

thkewedding

Like I said, I haven't seen most of my family on my mom's side since she passed away. That was the beginning of 2007. The extent of some of the communication has just been Happy Birthday or Happy Holidays on Facebook. Gotta love social networking, eh? 

But anyways, I was the youngest cousin in the family, and by a lot. Which is why I don't really talk to any of the cousins. My 2nd cousins are the ones around my age, and they're who I've talked to more. I've maybe only talked to 2 of my aunts since my moms funeral as well. So really, if I exclude everyone that I'm not close to, it would be excluding my mom's whole side. That sure would make it easy to deal with the feuding family members!