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Chilly feet

Anyone ever get cold feet a month out? What did you do about it?
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Re: Chilly feet

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    wittykitty14wittykitty14 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2013

    What do you mean by "cold feet"?  If you're nervous about the wedding day itself, and that everything will go smoothly, then that's perfectly normal.  I've been worried about how everything is going to go on my wedding day too.  What helps me is to take a break from the wedding stuff.  RELAX, and do something I enjoy.  Go for a walk, take a bubble bath, go on a date with FI (with no wedding talk!).  Getting my mind off the wedding usually helps.  When I'm in a more calm place, then I write out what needs to be done, figure out the most important/time-sensitive thing on the list, and do that.  Then I take more breaks.

    If you're getting nervous about the marriage itself, then that could be a completely separate issue.  It may not be this at all, but it's very different than what I mentioned before.  Would you mind giving a little more info as to what thoughts you're having? 

    Just remember to breathe :)

    Edited for spelling

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    Cold feet as in: is this right? We get along well, and share many of the same goals, value, interests. My former best friend said in a text when breaking off our 11-year friendship, that we were crazy to get married so quickly. Part of me wants more time to get used to living with him, get used to his habits, and to get him to a point where he's pitching in without being asked. Part of me thinks that this is it; I'll never be with another man. Part of me wishes that his Mom and I got along better. Part of me wonders if the poster who posted about gaslighting was right. On the other hand, part of me is excited about our future, is glad to have found someone who shares so many things with me, who loves dogs as much as I, who isn't all gung-ho about having a family, who IS gung-ho about travelling, who talks me down when I'm upset. I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that I've loathed almost every moment of wedding planning, and feel like I've hit nothing but roadblocks. I'm just not as excited as I thought I'd be. Hell, my 1 bridesmaid and ceremony musician are way more excited than I am. I just want it to be over.
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    Oh lord, given some of your recent posts, I would say your feet are ice cold and you know in your gut what you have to do. 
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    Wedding planning has also changed who I am. I'm not a happy, nice person anymore, and I would guess that I'm not exactly a treat to not only live with, but interact with on a daily basis. I've kind of turned into an angry bitch, and while these boards have been a great source of information, I also think they aided in turning me into said angry bitch, as some of the "advice" was totally f-ing rude and uncalled for.
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    If you're unsure about the relationship (which it sounds like), postpone the wedding at the very least. Seriously - there is no shame in it. Are you getting any premarital counseling? I can't remember your past posts.
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    KDM323KDM323 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I got cold feet when I was engaged the first time.  

    I called that wedding off.

    Best decision of my life.

    (And he was a good guy....just not the RIGHT guy.  I've never, for one instance, regretted that decision)


    If you are truly having "cold feet" I would encourage you to spend some time with yourself and think about what it is that you are doubting, etc. 

    If you need more time to think about it...push the wedding back.

    Don't say "I do" unless you truly mean it 100%.
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    I would definitely postpone the wedding if you are having cold feet. I have less than a month and I can't wait to get married, no "cold feet", no anxiety, no questions wether it's right. If your questioning in your mind if its right then I would take a step back and reevaluate.
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    Friends and outsiders sometimes can have a very important perspective on our relationships.

    If you're doubting the relationship, don't get married until you stop doubting the relationship.

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    wittykitty14wittykitty14 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2013

    Ok, this makes more sense now.  I remember some of your previous discussions, and now Linger's comment makes way more sense too.

    It sounds like you're just not convinced that marrying is the right step-at least not right now.  It's one thing to be nervous about the wedding day, but being unsure of the MARRIAGE is entirely different.  If you're not 110% sure that you want to be married to your FI, then this is definitely something you need to examine.

    If you're on the fence about the marriage, I highly recommend post-poning the wedding.  Like winelover said, there's no shame.  It's OK.  Post-poning doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want to marry FI anymore, it just means that it's not the right time right now.  I repeat, it's OK.

    Take a step back and really think about your relationship.  I encourage you to seek couples counseling, as it may help a lot.  At the very least, I think it would be a good idea for you to see someone, because it may help you get some clarity with the situation.

    ETA: After reading Linger's comment right before this one, I wanted to add that I agree 100%.  She made some very good points and gave excellent advice, so I hope Alesha that you take that to heart.

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    What does gaslighting mean?
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    Alesha, I do have to say that it's a red flag with all your other posts that you're now thinking you have "cold feet" a month out. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    No Linger, I don't think the advice you gave just above was uncalled for. Other times, yes, absolutely. Thanks for pointing out some points today though. I have looked up gaslighting, and while some of the definition applies, some does not, so i really don't know. It's not important that his Mom and I have a wonderful relationship; I just wish she didn't "test" me, and that she says what she actually means instead of playing communication games. It makes it hard to know and trust a person.

    Someone asked about couples counselling... no, we're not doing this, but we probably should be. We have some communication issues as well, which sometimes surface. I guess that comes with only knowing a person for less than a year. It's a learning curve, and my Mom tells me that the first year living together is the hardest, and I know it will take awhile to get comfortable with things.

    In preparation for the upcoming wedding, we've also been getting to bed late. Last night was early: 11:30-ish, which was great! Other than that, it's been midnight or later. So, we're both wiped out, no sex has been happening, and when it does, it's with little energy on my part because well, I have no energy. I'm just not into anything lately because all I have the energy for is my work, and then I force myself to go to boot camp twice weekly.
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    I think you should at the very least postpone and seek counseling.
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    Alesha, I have read some of your other posts, and have to agree that postponing sounds like a good idea. Wedding planning has its headaches, sure, but it really shouldn't change who you are. If so, you're making far too much of it. 

    I get how you feel about your FMIL. My ex's mom didn't think I was good enough and made things difficult for me, but my ex was always on my side. She was not the reason our marriage failed, but she was a contributing factor to many miserable occasions for me through the years. She is also my kids' grandmother, and I wouldn't dream of keeping them from her, and we are civil for their sake.

    I'm a month out from my wedding (exactly). I do not have cold feet. Far from it! I am so excited to finally make it official and be a wife. A wedding is one day, and it's perfectly normal to feel nervous about that day; will my dress fit, will the guests like the food, will crazy aunt so-and-so hit on the groomsmen ...??? It's not normal to wonder if he's the one.

    I also know first hand how scary it is to walk away when it isn't right. But it's totally worth it.

    Good luck! (sorry for the novel)
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    KDM323KDM323 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Is there any reason you are getting married in less than a year of knowing your fiance?
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    Is there any reason you are getting married in less than a year of knowing your fiance?
    For 13 years, our paths crossed. A close girlfriend of mine rented his Mom's basement suite for a number of years, and his and my paths would cross when he was in town from studies. We were matched on eharmony last July, got engaged in October.
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    KDM323KDM323 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary

    Is there any reason you are getting married in less than a year of knowing your fiance?
    For 13 years, our paths crossed. A close girlfriend of mine rented his Mom's basement suite for a number of years, and his and my paths would cross when he was in town from studies. We were matched on eharmony last July, got engaged in October.
    But why plan a wedding for one month from now when you've only known each other a year?  Is there any reason you picked such a short time frame?

    Do you feel ready to marry this man?
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    Is there any reason you are getting married in less than a year of knowing your fiance?
    For 13 years, our paths crossed. A close girlfriend of mine rented his Mom's basement suite for a number of years, and his and my paths would cross when he was in town from studies. We were matched on eharmony last July, got engaged in October.
    Ok, but that doesn't really answer 'kathy's question.   "Your paths crossing" for 13 years and you hanging out together when he was in town doesn't really say to me that you really got to know each other or spent significant amounts of time together. . . enough time to see what this person was really like and if there were any red flags in his behavior.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    What is important with regard to your FMIL is whether or not he stands up for you.  When she tries to "test" you what does he do?

    As far as gas-lighting, when you're the victim it's hard to tell you're being gas-lighted sometimes.  You truly begin to believe he's right and you're wrong.  It's honestly horrible.  If even a small bit of that applies to you you really need to postpone the wedding.  Talk to an unbiased 3rd party (preferably a professional counselor) and get their opinion.  This is really important.  If he IS gas-lighting you now, it will likely turn into verbal and then physical abuse down the road.  I can't stress to you how important it is to fix this before the wedding.

    your story is hitting very close to home for me.  Here is a story that I know you're not going to like hearing but I think you should.  I have a friend that's in an abusive relationship.  It started out with him gas-lighting her.  They've been together for 3 years now and it has escalated to the point where he beat the shit out of her a couple of weeks ago.  She didn't recognize the gas-lighting in the beginning, she didn't recognize the verbal abuse, and when he hit her "a switch just flipped and he went crazy.  He never would have hit me if...."  No, a switch did not flip.  This is who that man is.  He started out small and slowly increased his abuse so that to this very day she still doesn't even see it.  My heart is breaking because I know someday I'll get the call that he hospitalized her, if not worse.  I thank the lord every day that he didn't propose when he intended to because she would have accepted and she would have felt even more stuck.  At least right now if I, along with the rest of her friends and family, do get through to her she can just walk away.

    I agree with the other ladies about couples counseling, and IIRC you said you were in individual therapy.  Please continue that (not because you're broken but because it will help you stay grounded and will help you find your path to happiness whether that be with your FI or without him).
    Wow Linger, I'm really sorry to hear about your friend; that's an awful situation to be in. I'm unsure about whether or not I'm being gaslighted, or if it's just a lack of communication (i.e., not understanding each other). Now that I'm aware, I will also be more aware during conversations. Someone posted in another thread that when she gets strange gaslight-ey comments, she responds with "did you seriously just say that to me?". I will adopt this tactic and see how he responds.
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    KDM323KDM323 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    What is important with regard to your FMIL is whether or not he stands up for you.  When she tries to "test" you what does he do?

    As far as gas-lighting, when you're the victim it's hard to tell you're being gas-lighted sometimes.  You truly begin to believe he's right and you're wrong.  It's honestly horrible.  If even a small bit of that applies to you you really need to postpone the wedding.  Talk to an unbiased 3rd party (preferably a professional counselor) and get their opinion.  This is really important.  If he IS gas-lighting you now, it will likely turn into verbal and then physical abuse down the road.  I can't stress to you how important it is to fix this before the wedding.

    your story is hitting very close to home for me.  Here is a story that I know you're not going to like hearing but I think you should.  I have a friend that's in an abusive relationship.  It started out with him gas-lighting her.  They've been together for 3 years now and it has escalated to the point where he beat the shit out of her a couple of weeks ago.  She didn't recognize the gas-lighting in the beginning, she didn't recognize the verbal abuse, and when he hit her "a switch just flipped and he went crazy.  He never would have hit me if...."  No, a switch did not flip.  This is who that man is.  He started out small and slowly increased his abuse so that to this very day she still doesn't even see it.  My heart is breaking because I know someday I'll get the call that he hospitalized her, if not worse.  I thank the lord every day that he didn't propose when he intended to because she would have accepted and she would have felt even more stuck.  At least right now if I, along with the rest of her friends and family, do get through to her she can just walk away.

    I agree with the other ladies about couples counseling, and IIRC you said you were in individual therapy.  Please continue that (not because you're broken but because it will help you stay grounded and will help you find your path to happiness whether that be with your FI or without him).
    Wow Linger, I'm really sorry to hear about your friend; that's an awful situation to be in. I'm unsure about whether or not I'm being gaslighted, or if it's just a lack of communication (i.e., not understanding each other). Now that I'm aware, I will also be more aware during conversations. Someone posted in another thread that when she gets strange gaslight-ey comments, she responds with "did you seriously just say that to me?". I will adopt this tactic and see how he responds.
    This is why I keep asking why the wedding has to be next month?

    It sounds to me (and this is just from reading your posts) that perhaps you've not necessarily been in a lot of long term relationships and perhaps this is the first man that you've ever lived with or been very serious about?  Now I could be totally wrong about that...but it seems to me as though you are just beginning to get adjusted to living with this man and really getting to KNOW him.

    It might really be best if you can slow down this marriage thing and take some time to really get to know him before you say "I do". 
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    Is there any reason you are getting married in less than a year of knowing your fiance?
    For 13 years, our paths crossed. A close girlfriend of mine rented his Mom's basement suite for a number of years, and his and my paths would cross when he was in town from studies. We were matched on eharmony last July, got engaged in October.
    Ok, but that doesn't really answer 'kathy's question.   "Your paths crossing" for 13 years and you hanging out together when he was in town doesn't really say to me that you really got to know each other or spent significant amounts of time together. . . enough time to see what this person was really like and if there were any red flags in his behavior.


    That would be correct. I knew his mom and sister quite well, and knew that he came from a good family. However, since we started dating, and especially planning a wedding, his mom is an entirely different person. She has lied to me and put my family down. No, him and I never really hung out, but our paths crossed. The times that we did spend together within a larger group, I thought he was a very nice man and we got along well.
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    Is there any reason you are getting married in less than a year of knowing your fiance?
    For 13 years, our paths crossed. A close girlfriend of mine rented his Mom's basement suite for a number of years, and his and my paths would cross when he was in town from studies. We were matched on eharmony last July, got engaged in October.
    Ok, but that doesn't really answer 'kathy's question.   "Your paths crossing" for 13 years and you hanging out together when he was in town doesn't really say to me that you really got to know each other or spent significant amounts of time together. . . enough time to see what this person was really like and if there were any red flags in his behavior.


    That would be correct. I knew his mom and sister quite well, and knew that he came from a good family. However, since we started dating, and especially planning a wedding, his mom is an entirely different person. She has lied to me and put my family down. No, him and I never really hung out, but our paths crossed. The times that we did spend together within a larger group, I thought he was a very nice man and we got along well.
    When you said he came from a  good family, do you mean affluent or was that a character assessment?  Because with how you describe his mother to behave now, it doesn't appear to be a "good" family, but one with possibly negative and dysfunctional dynamics.

    See how we can be lead to believe things are a certain way until we really start to get to know a person and their family beyond what lies on the surface?

    Whose idea was it to get married this year?  What was the reasoning behind it?

    I'm not judging all quick courtships/engagements, but in this case it seems tat it may be beneficial for you as a person and your potential marriage to your FI to postpone the weddings, seek some counseling together or at least continue your individual counseling, and work out the dynamics in your relationship a bit better.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    That would be correct. I knew his mom and sister quite well, and knew that he came from a good family. However, since we started dating, and especially planning a wedding, his mom is an entirely different person. She has lied to me and put my family down. No, him and I never really hung out, but our paths crossed. The times that we did spend together within a larger group, I thought he was a very nice man and we got along well.

    I think someone asked this previously, but I didn't see a response--when his mom does this to you, how does he respond to her? Does he address it and make it known that the behavior she is exhibiting is uncalled for and won't be tolerated, or does he brush it off and say she doesn't really mean it? He has to be able to stand up to her and set the precedent that it isn't okay, ever.

    If he won't stand up to his mom when it comes to you, he never will. If he doesn't communicate well with you as it relates to specific issues, that won't change either. Counseling NOW is the only sane way to work on these issues. Postpone the wedding and give time for the lessons you're taking in through counseling to become habits. After another year, you might be well adjusted with one another and your new habits (if they stick) to consider setting another date. If things haven't improved or if he just isn't taking it seriously, just call it all off. You'll thank yourself for waiting later, either way you go.

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    I think someone asked this previously, but I didn't see a response--when his mom does this to you, how does he respond to her? Does he address it and make it known that the behavior she is exhibiting is uncalled for and won't be tolerated, or does he brush it off and say she doesn't really mean it? He has to be able to stand up to her and set the precedent that it isn't okay, ever.

    If he won't stand up to his mom when it comes to you, he never will. If he doesn't communicate well with you as it relates to specific issues, that won't change either. Counseling NOW is the only sane way to work on these issues. Postpone the wedding and give time for the lessons you're taking in through counseling to become habits. After another year, you might be well adjusted with one another and your new habits (if they stick) to consider setting another date. If things haven't improved or if he just isn't taking it seriously, just call it all off. You'll thank yourself for waiting later, either way you go.

    Oh yes, sorry, I meant to answer that, then totally forgot. The lie: I had asked how to properly pronounce his cousin's name, and she said, "oh, pronounce it like this; no one ever gets it right, and she'll be so thankful that you're saying it correctly." I say, "great, shall do, thanks!" Found out months later, from his cousin at my shower, that I had been saying her name incorrectly for months. FH either wasn't around, or just didn't realize what I was being told by his mom. He doesn't remember the incident. Otherwise, he mostly just says that she means something different than what she actually says, then he translates later for me.
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    KDM323KDM323 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Do you not speak the same language as your fiance's family?
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    When you said he came from a  good family, do you mean affluent or was that a character assessment?  Because with how you describe his mother to behave now, it doesn't appear to be a "good" family, but one with possibly negative and dysfunctional dynamics.

    See how we can be lead to believe things are a certain way until we really start to get to know a person and their family beyond what lies on the surface?

    Whose idea was it to get married this year?  What was the reasoning behind it?

    I'm not judging all quick courtships/engagements, but in this case it seems tat it may be beneficial for you as a person and your potential marriage to your FI to postpone the weddings, seek some counseling together or at least continue your individual counseling, and work out the dynamics in your relationship a bit better.
    No, they definitely aren't affluent. His dad died at a young age, and since the kids were pre-teens, their mom raised them alone on a meager wage. They've had their share of hardships and dysfunction, but have come out on the other side, and I give the lady many, many kudos for raising 2 kids on her own, and doing one helluva job at it. I meant it more as a character assessment.

    There was no real reason to get married this year, except that it made more sense to move in, get married, save for a house, in that order. We don't plan on children other than furry ones.
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    Do you not speak the same language as your fiance's family?
    I do; we all speak English. But, she doesn't say what she means, and therefore, I need him to tell me this information. Example: Sunday, FMIL announced to the people at dinner: "I'm just so stressed out about this wedding." I took that to mean that she was stressed out about the wedding. Apparently, what she means what that she's stressed out about which outfit she's going to choose from her closet, she wants to help out more but doesn't know what to help with, she is concerned that her daughter is gaining weight and embarrassed that she's so large. She doesn't have a mode of transportation now that her son is living with me, and therefore cannot get out to do things like get fabric for a wrap that she's making her daughter to "cover her up" (not my words). Plus, she doesn't like taking cabs because lots of drivers drive while talking on cell phones. So is she stressed about the wedding? No. She's stressed about some issues that our wedding is bringing about. Plus, she told me that having a RD is silly and needless (this is the only thing she's contributing to). And she insinuated that this big wedding thing was my idea and that I'm just keeping up with the Jones', and competing with my friends and others to have the "best wedding". That's when I set her straight and told her that I begged her son to elope.

    So yeah, we all speak English, but it's hard when she doesn't say things specifically, or insinuates garbage about me.
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    I remember one of your other posts.  All of the PPs have given some great advice and things to think on.  I really think you need to postpone this wedding.  You need pre-marital counseling.  I'm seeing lots of flags and the fact that you are unsure if you are being gaslighted, but feel some of the characteristics apply to you - that makes me worry a lot.

    There is NO shame or embarrassment in postponing.  It will be better for you in the long term.

     

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    Do you not speak the same language as your fiance's family?

    I do; we all speak English. But, she doesn't say what she means, and therefore, I need him to tell me this information. Example: Sunday, FMIL announced to the people at dinner: "I'm just so stressed out about this wedding." I took that to mean that she was stressed out about the wedding. Apparently, what she means what that she's stressed out about which outfit she's going to choose from her closet, she wants to help out more but doesn't know what to help with, she is concerned that her daughter is gaining weight and embarrassed that she's so large. She doesn't have a mode of transportation now that her son is living with me, and therefore cannot get out to do things like get fabric for a wrap that she's making her daughter to "cover her up" (not my words). Plus, she doesn't like taking cabs because lots of drivers drive while talking on cell phones. So is she stressed about the wedding? No. She's stressed about some issues that our wedding is bringing about. Plus, she told me that having a RD is silly and needless (this is the only thing she's contributing to). And she insinuated that this big wedding thing was my idea and that I'm just keeping up with the Jones', and competing with my friends and others to have the "best wedding". That's when I set her straight and told her that I begged her son to elope.

    So yeah, we all speak English, but it's hard when she doesn't say things specifically, or insinuates garbage about me.


    It sounds like the three of you have communication issues. FMIL sounds passive aggressive and manipulative. When she speaks, if you feel she is being disingenuious, you need to ask her directly for clarification. "I'm sorry FMIL that you feel stressed by the wedding. What specifically is of concern to you?"

    Do not ask your FI to translate. If your FMIL tells you one thing, but you come to find she means another, try to let it go and not to bother you. Don't get drawn into her dysfunctional behaviors.




    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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