Wedding Etiquette Forum

Shower Gift

Hello all, I've been invited to a shower this Friday evening for H's cousin's fiancee. While I've never met either of them and we are not particularly close with this side of H's family, I will go because a few of the aunts came to my shower and I would like to get to know some of his cousins a little better. The thing is, we are in a bit of a bind financially. I recently changed positions at work and H has been working less due to back injury. Nothing extreme, but this is a particularly bad week for us since his work was closed last week and we are missing that paycheck. Had I known of the shower sooner I would have budgeted for it. On the invitation listed under "Gifts", all it says is "$$$$" and I feel really awkward only being able to throw $20 in an envelope.

I guess my question is if giving a small amount of money is in bad taste/frowned upon? All that's listed is money and I don't even know this person to get her an alternative gift. What say you?

Re: Shower Gift

  • Oh yes, I agree it is rude, and I doubt we will be invited to the wedding which I've heard is in Germany. I guess I do feel like it will be frowned upon if I don't attend. Hmmm.
  • edited July 2013
    If you're not invited to the wedding, I would not attend or give a gift. I would bring a boxed gift to an event that asked for money - simply to make a point because asking for money is rude.

    ETA: I would send a nice card though.
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  • If you're not even invited to the wedding, I wouldn't worry about going or sending a gift.
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2013

    Hello all, I've been invited to a shower this Friday evening for H's cousin's fiancee. While I've never met either of them and we are not particularly close with this side of H's family, I will go because a few of the aunts came to my shower and I would like to get to know some of his cousins a little better. The thing is, we are in a bit of a bind financially. I recently changed positions at work and H has been working less due to back injury. Nothing extreme, but this is a particularly bad week for us since his work was closed last week and we are missing that paycheck. Had I known of the shower sooner I would have budgeted for it. On the invitation listed under "Gifts", all it says is "$$$$" and I feel really awkward only being able to throw $20 in an envelope.

    I guess my question is if giving a small amount of money is in bad taste/frowned upon? All that's listed is money and I don't even know this person to get her an alternative gift. What say you?

    It was super rude to request only money for a shower. The fact that you can only afford $20 due to budget constraints does not reflect poorly on you.
    If you came to my shower and handed me over $20 I'd be ecstatic. I mean, 20 dollars is twenty dollars, ya know? There would be no reason for you to feel awkward at all. However, I have a feeling this bride might roll her eyes at your gift.
    Uh, not that I would ever only request cash at my shower, I'm just saying, if she was requesting it to begin with, her priorities might be elsewhere in the clouds.

    I totally get that you want to get to know his family better, but I don't think this would be the best environment to do so. I would absolutely decline to attend and send her your best wishes.

    ETA - Especially if you suspect you aren't even invited to the wedding.
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  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    @ZeroOrchestra, When all else fails, put a gift basket together with some fun little kitchen gadgets (include a gift receipt). Target is a great place for this.

    Check to see if they are registered anywhere, first. Google the bride's name or check on the popular sites like Bed, Bath, and Beyond, Macy's, Target, or Crate & Barrell.

  • If you aren't invited to the wedding, and if you we're invited to the shower last-minute (it sounds like you we're), I would decline. And it's extremely tasteless of them to request money.
  • @southernbelle0915: Perhaps I can choose something off of this lovely list provided for us by TK:

    http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/attending-wedding/articles/the-worst-wedding-gifts-ever.aspx

    Now where can I find a really ugly art piece involving a cow tooth for under $20?

    @misshart00 and @zobird, On a serious note, while I would love to decline, I feel like this side of the family already doesn't like me. It's H's dad's very large side and they frequently have parties on the weekend which I had never been able to attend since my old job kept me there til 9pm saturdays and 8am to 8pm sundays. Plus, I've already told SIL I will try to go and I know she would enjoy some company as most of them do not speak English. It all sounds very complicated when I type it out.

    Maybe I will go the gift basket route and check out Marshall's or something, they ususally have good deals.

    @SimplyFated, that is exactly why I am worried that $20 will be laughed off.

  • GIve them this and call it a day:

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  • @SimplyFated, that is exactly why I am worried that $20 will be laughed off.

    Yeah, I totally see where you're coming from and it sucks. It's another reason why I think requesting cash (and only cash) is a terrible idea, especially for a shower. It sets guests up for failure. Well, not "failure" in my opinion, but you know what I mean.

    I really think you should consider getting a terrible head cold this week. You don't want to get into the same trouble this guy got in to -> Bridezilla vs Guest clicky link
    Personally, I love marshmallow fluff. And gift baskets are awesome. It's like a bunch of little gifts in one! Buuut, clearly I have low standards lol.
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  • @ZeroOrchestra, if they don't like you, then they're really showing it by inviting you to a shower but not the wedding. I wouldn't put up with that if I were you. Honestly, how often do you even expect to see them in the future? Hopefully not often, with the way they're treating you. I strongly urge you to decline. They are essentially telling you that you're only good enough to give cash to the bride. And you are better than that.
  • I'd bring dollar bills and make it rain during her shower.
  • To be fair, I think everyone was invited last minute. Usually parties are by word of mouth so I was a bit surprised ot see it. H was pretty close with some of these people as a little kid so I know he likes to stay connected, but it may be best if my babysitter is unavailable this Friday.
  • If you're really confident that you won't be invited to the wedding, then don't go to the shower and don't send a gift.
  • Oh yes, I agree it is rude, and I doubt we will be invited to the wedding which I've heard is in Germany. I guess I do feel like it will be frowned upon if I don't attend. Hmmm.
    If you aren't invited to the wedding, it's rude to invite you to a shower. The only people who have been invited to any of the showers that have been hosted for us are people who are also getting wedding invitations. I understand that the wedding is in Germany, but you should still be invited, especially if they're going to invite you to all the pre-wedding events. (or at least this particular pre-wedding event)
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