Wedding Etiquette Forum

Staying friends when a bridesmaid leaves

One of my bridesmaids and I (I am going to refer to her as N) recently got into it over several things but the biggest being wether or not her mom could be her guest at the wedding. I am getting married in a week and she did not ask until 8 days before the wedding. Her mom does not like me and tried to block me from calling N shortly after she moved back home (we were roommates in college and both moved back to our home towns after we left). I offered my house for all of my bridesmaids to stay at the night before the wedding because most are from out of town. She informed me that she was staying at a hotel an hour away from the wedding, (there are closer hotels that she did not want to stay at) because of this she wanted to bring her mom so she would not be alone. At first she told her mom would not come to the rehearsal diner or wedding if she wasn't invited but then pressured me into inviting her. N then told me that I was rude to her and that I was making snide comments about her when addressing the wedding party in general. (I told everyone, because there was confusion about the rehearsal diner, that if they had a question they needed to ask it because someone else may have the same question and I can't answer questions that aren't asked). I was not thinking of N but everyone in generally but she took this a snide comment to her so her question was "How are you going to find a new bridesmaid within a week". I thought this was very rude and unnessisary from someone I considered my friend. I had always wanted her to be bridesmaid and told her this, now she has dropped out. When my MOH asked her why she said she was spending $400  on gas, housing and food and she had school work and she never gets to spend any time with her mom so she didn't think it was worth it if there was going to be tension. I don't understand were she got $400 from but at this point it does not matter. I never wanted to loose a friend over my wedding but I feel like this is some what unforgivable so I think our friendship is over. Am I wrong? Should I try to forgive her?

Re: Staying friends when a bridesmaid leaves

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    AJuliaNJAJuliaNJ member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2013
    Why couldn't she just bring her mom as her date? I can see why you wouldn't want her there, but I don't see how this was important enough that you'd let it come to this. You'd barely have to talk to her at the wedding. Some people don't like to go to weddings alone, and it is common for the bride to give her BP a plus one. I'd call her and say you've been stressed out and made a split-second decision, but upon thinking about it, you realized it was silly to tell her she couldn't bring her mom.

    ETA: I had a somewhat similar experience to you. We decided to have an immediate family-only dinner the night before the wedding. My mom immediately said, "Well, you better invite my friend, Mary." My kneejerk reaction, was, "WTF? No! This is just immediate family. We aren't even inviting OUR friends." We ended up in a fight, but when we had calmed down, we both acknowledged each other's feelings on the matter. She said she felt uncomfortable because H's parents are married, and my dad is remarried, and she would be the only parent there alone. I ended up letting her bring her friend, and it was FINE. I barely noticed she was there and it meant a lot to my mom to have her company.
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    sucks that lost your bridesmaid, but the good thing is you still get married whether she is there or not.  Now you need to forget the bridesmaid and focus on your friend.  You need to call her and talk to her as a friend--not a bridesmaid.  This sounds like it has more to do with the relationship and not the wedding.  Have you reached to you and talked to her about things other than your wedding?  Maybe something is going in her life?  Sounds to me like it was just a fight, and its up to you whether or not you would throw away a friendship over stress of wedding.  To me, I would never let a wedding come between friends.  Its one day, where a friendship lasts forever.  Talk to your friend, find out what is bothering her.  Be the bigger person

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    I'm sorry I'm having a hard time following this but from what I understand, a bridesmaids wanted to bring her mom as her date and you didn't want her to because you feel her mother does not like you.  You said no to mom and she has now decided she will not be in the wedding because her mom cannot come and she thinks there is tension?

    Is she choosing not to attend the wedding at all or just choosing not to be a bridesmaid?  I understand you feel her mom doesn't like you, but as @ajulianj said, it is pretty customary to allow your bridal party plus ones and if she waned to bring her mother, unless her mother has outwardly done something to threaten you or if you truly think she'd come to your wedding and try to embarrass you, I don't think this is worth ending a friendship over.  I would do as Ajulia the bigger person
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    I told her she could bring her mother but she didn't just want to bring her to the wedding she also wanted to bring her to the rehearsal diner. She said the reason she wasn't coming was not because I did not want her mom there, it was because I was rude to her, she was just as, if not more rude than I was. I tried calling her later and the phone rang twice and then went to voicemail. She said she wasn't coming to the wedding at all. I don't care if her mom comes to the wedding but I do think she would make the rehearsal diner akward because there will be way less people there but again I told her it didn't matter she could bring her. I can't talk to her if she won't answer the phone and I know it is just a wedding but if she were truely my friend how could she bail just days before. I don't want the wedding to come between us but I just feel like she treating me like crap for no reason.

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    I don't think she needs to bring her mother to the rehearsal dinner...A significant other, yes, if she had one, but not her mother.


    And just because she was rude, doesn't give you the right to be rude. Take the high road and always be polite no matter what.


    I think you need to move on and drop it for now. She took herself out of the wedding, focus on getting married and maybe later on after you both have cooled down and all the wedding stuff has settled, you will figure out if the relationship is worth fixing or not.

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    Thanks for the adivise

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    also, maybe she will surprise you and show up after all
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