Wedding Etiquette Forum

Thank you note for Bounced Check?

I'm recently back from my honeymoon and am writing all of my thank you notes. One check bounced and I haven't heard from the party that wrote the check (we are 3 wks later). Do I acknowledge the gift in the card or just say thank you for coming?

(Not to add color commentary...but this guest threw a fit that her children weren't invited. I caved and invited them to make peace w/ the family. She also RSVPd to my shower and then was a no-show...it was at a restaurant and cost us a meal. That shouldn't have anything to do w/ it....but it does. I'm not mad that the check bounced...kinda feel for you if you can't cover a wedding gift....but I feel like she was sending a message. Maybe I'm too suspicious?)

Re: Thank you note for Bounced Check?

  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited July 2013
    Mona789 said:

    I'm recently back from my honeymoon and am writing all of my thank you notes. One check bounced and I haven't heard from the party that wrote the check (we are 3 wks later). Do I acknowledge the gift in the card or just say thank you for coming?

    (Not to add color commentary...but this guest threw a fit that her children weren't invited. I caved and invited them to make peace w/ the family. She also RSVPd to my shower and then was a no-show...it was at a restaurant and cost us a meal. That shouldn't have anything to do w/ it....but it does. I'm not mad that the check bounced...kinda feel for you if you can't cover a wedding gift....but I feel like she was sending a message. Maybe I'm too suspicious?)

    Gift=Thank you note. This would be an awkward note to write as the gift was technically never received...so I think you have to skip it.

    Since you did the right thing and let the guest know about the bounced check, you just have to let this one go now.

    Certainly send a note if she happens to send you a gift in the mail in the future.


     

  • Wow. I do not know how I would handle this situation. Scratch that, I know what my family would do - but I'm certain it breaks more than a few etiquette rules. My mother would probably call up the person (if she was close to them) and find a way to subtlety let the know about the check. However, that is not gracious, and rather rude.

    The only way I think you can get out of this with some dignity is to write a thank you, thanking them for their presence.
  • So...I didn't tell her that the check bounced. The bank would definitely notify her of the mistake (plus cost her $25ish....) I would be mortified to let her know that her check bounced.

     

  • The guest who wrote the check must know she bounced a check, doesn't she?  The only way she could have made the check bounce intentionally would be to issue a stop payment.  Maybe she doesn't check her accounts?  

    I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes, I think it would depend on my relationship with the person who wrote the check.  In this case, I'd probably just let it go.  Write the note, move on.  She's probably mortified that her check bounced.  I would be.  
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  • I would not write a thank you note... you didn't really receive a gift. Sounds to me like her life and finances are pretty chaotic. She'll get the notification from the bank and if she decides to do anything about it (reissue the check, apologize, etc.), she'll get in touch with you. From what you've said here, I bet she won't. I'd let it go.
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  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    itzMS said:
    Mona789 said:

    I'm recently back from my honeymoon and am writing all of my thank you notes. One check bounced and I haven't heard from the party that wrote the check (we are 3 wks later). Do I acknowledge the gift in the card or just say thank you for coming?

    (Not to add color commentary...but this guest threw a fit that her children weren't invited. I caved and invited them to make peace w/ the family. She also RSVPd to my shower and then was a no-show...it was at a restaurant and cost us a meal. That shouldn't have anything to do w/ it....but it does. I'm not mad that the check bounced...kinda feel for you if you can't cover a wedding gift....but I feel like she was sending a message. Maybe I'm too suspicious?)

    Gift=Thank you note. This would be an awkward note to write as the gift was technically never received...so I think you have to skip it.

    Since you did the right thing and let the guest know about the bounced check, you just have to let this one go now.

    Certainly send a note if she happens to send you a gift in the mail in the future.


     

    Where did it say she did that?  I keep reading but I cannot find it, and I'm looking because it affects my advice.


    I assumed with the bolded when she stated she "hadn't heard from her". I assumed that the OP contacted the giver when the check bounced.

    My sincerest apologies...again.

  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    FWIW...if someone is bouncing checks, they won't necessarily know WHAT check it was depending on the bank. I also used to have tons of old checkbooks around (DH & I changed around accounts and banks before/after we got married)...she could have unintentionally used a checkbook from the wrong account.

    I always think it's appropriate to contact the person to let them know.

  • Do NOT write a thank you note for this.  A) You never actually received a gift. B) There's a 99% chance that she's aware that the check bounced and is embarrassed enough....no need to draw attention to it.

  • Based on what you write about this guest in your OP, I doubt she's embarrassed that her check bounced, but I do think that nothing good can come of your bringing it up to her.

    I'd just leave things alone.  It sucks, but having to deal with more of her blow-ups and any jerking around would suck more IMO.
  • One more wrinkle....she lives w/ her mom and I'm going to send her mom a thank you note for her gift....

    I feel like I'm going to look like I'm rude regardless of what I do...

  • Mona789 said:

    One more wrinkle....she lives w/ her mom and I'm going to send her mom a thank you note for her gift....

    I feel like I'm going to look like I'm rude regardless of what I do...

    I'd say she wrote a bad check - she wins the rudeness game.

    I wouldn't write a thank you.

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  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    I have a funny feeling if the OP wouldn't have added the "color commentary" statement to the post, everyone would be telling her to call the guest and let her know.

    It's common courtesy, IMHO.

  • "I have a funny feeling if the OP wouldn't have added the "color commentary" statement to the post, everyone would be telling her to call the guest and let her know.

    It's common courtesy, IMHO."


    I actually would think even if she hadn't said the color commentary that we'd tell her not to notify the guest.  The guest knows. Banks are pretty good about contacting someone right away if a check bounces.  I don't even know how you could call someone and say "Hey, the gift you attempted to give me wasn't accepted by your bank.  Just thought I should tell you..." I don't know how that doesn't come off as, well, kind of greedy.  

    Do I think it's irresponsible of the check writer? Abso-freaking-lutely.  Not only did the check bounce, but some banks charge both parties involved, and I'd probably be contacting the person for any fees I was assessed as a result of their "error"... but then again, I don't know of a nice way to do it.  

    All the color commentary tells me is that the OP should just write this one off, so to speak... and ask for their money back from the bank if they were assessed fees. 

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  • Actually, I didn't even read the 'color commentary.'  I wouldn't call someone.  They'll be charged a fee, so it's doubtful they don't know.  I'd be really embarrassed if someone called me to remind me I had insufficient funds in my account when they went to cash my wedding gift.
  • I would never approach someone about a gift check that bounced. Way too awkward.
  • Since you're supposed to write the note before you make the deposit, what about writing it as if the check hadn't been deposited yet?
  • banana468 said:
    Since you're supposed to write the note before you make the deposit, what about writing it as if the check hadn't been deposited yet?

    Oh is that what you're supposed to do? I didn't know that! Learning is fun.  Also, my only issue with this is that the person probably already knows you did try to deposit the check and it bounced - I assume it will have a date stamp? Or will it not?
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    The person will obviously be curious why they didn't receive a thank you note. What's so hard about calling them and saying:

    "Guest, thank you so much for the card and check! It was great to see you at the wedding! I'm not sure if you're aware, but we had difficulty depositing the check. I wanted to let you know in case you needed to check with your bank. How's the bean dip?"

    I guess I have no problem calling someone and being upfront and honest. It's not greedy or accusatory. Similar to if a gift was broken and there was no receipt...I'd do the same thing. Though I would never think a guest would purposely give me an insufficient check or broken gift. In some circles (like the OP's), it might be different though.

  • itzMS said:

    The person will obviously be curious why they didn't receive a thank you note. What's so hard about calling them and saying:

    "Guest, thank you so much for the card and check! It was great to see you at the wedding! I'm not sure if you're aware, but we had difficulty depositing the check. I wanted to let you know in case you needed to check with your bank. How's the bean dip?"

    I guess I have no problem calling someone and being upfront and honest. It's not greedy or accusatory. Similar to if a gift was broken and there was no receipt...I'd do the same thing. Though I would never think a guest would purposely give me an insufficient check or broken gift. In some circles (like the OP's), it might be different though.

    I don't think it has to be intentional to be incredibly embarrassing.  I have never bounced a check, so maybe I don't understand how a person is notified.  Usually, if you called someone about a broken gift, it would be to get the receipt so you could exchange it.  What do you accomplish by calling the check bouncer? Are they to write you a new, valid check?  I just don't think I'd go there.  If this wasn't intentional, the gift giver is likely extremely embarrassed and I wouldn't want to be reminded of it.  YMMV.

  • I wouldn't approach them unless I was charged a fee.  THEN I would mention it to them.  Either way, I think I'd just skip the thank you note.  
    I think that it would be incredibly awkward and non-productive to call.  She is likely already aware that she has bounced a check, since her bank would have charged her a fee.

    I also think it would be really awkward to call her even if you were charged a fee.  I mean, you could, but that seems like a really uncomfortable phone call.  The best course of action in this case would be to call your bank and ask to have the fee removed.  We had someone write us a bad check for our wedding, and when we were charged a fee, we called the bank and they removed it.  

    I'd skip the thank you note.
  • banana468 said:
    Since you're supposed to write the note before you make the deposit, what about writing it as if the check hadn't been deposited yet?

    Is this some rule I don't know of? I actually find that ruder because the Thank You could easily take three weeks to be sent out (honeymoon, coming back, writing card, sending it) and to leave someones check outstanding for nearly a month IS rude. People need to balance their checkbooks.
  • harper0813harper0813 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2013
    Ditto Stage. I wouldn't have any qualms with calling a person up and letting them know that their gift turned out to be exactly the opposite. My attitude would depend on the person, though.

    ETA: if you're not charged for the bounced check, then, I'd let it go and send no thank you note.
  • I vote to send a thank you note--- for sharing in a special day.  I consider presence a present.  If the bouncer doesn't know which check bounced they might think OP is rude for not sending a thank-you.

    Creative wording is what is needed here.   
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  • If you thank her for her presence and for the thoughtful gift, then I would tell her it was not honored by her bank. Otherwise, I wouldn't thank her. In other words, if you bring it up, tell her it was not a good check. If you don't want to tell her that, don't write.
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
     

    If you thank her for her presence and for the thoughtful gift, then I would tell her it was not honored by her bank. Otherwise, I wouldn't thank her. In other words, if you bring it up, tell her it was not a good check. If you don't want to tell her that, don't write.

    I was trying to think of a concise way to say exactly this....so ditto!

    Skirting the issue is not the solution.

  • I wouldn't approach them unless I was charged a fee.  THEN I would mention it to them.  Either way, I think I'd just skip the thank you note.  

    This.

    I recall this issue being brought up awhile back and that person was charged a fee. Someone had said they would call them up and say "hi so-n-so, the check we received from you didn't clear and we were charged a fee because of it. How would you like to handle this?"

    I liked that idea because it puts the ball back into his/her court. I see no problem in letting someone know you were charged for his/her error. I would definitely want them to pay for the fee if it was no fault of mine.
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