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My mum wants me to walk down the aisle with my father, I don't. Is there a nice way to tell her?

My mum wants me to walk down the aisle with my father, I don't. He was not a good dad, he even abused us physically and emotionally. I moved out of the house in my teens because he threw me out, so I've been living on my own forever. We now get along cordially, and he's coming to the wedding (BTW, my parents are still married). I want to walk down the aisle by myself, I think it's better to not hurt anyone feelings. My mum is worried about what people may think... Is there a nice way to tell her I don't care? I told her months ago I was walking by myself, but I feel the issue will arise again sooner or later. I'm brutally honest and will make her cry, but the truth is everyone (my mum, my grandparents, my sister and her husband, my little niece, my best friends) is more entitled to walk me down the aisle than my father. Thanks!

Re: My mum wants me to walk down the aisle with my father, I don't. Is there a nice way to tell her?

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    Solciita said:
    My mum wants me to walk down the aisle with my father, I don't. He was not a good dad, he even abused us physically and emotionally. I moved out of the house in my teens because he threw me out, so I've been living on my own forever. We now get along cordially, and he's coming to the wedding (BTW, my parents are still married). I want to walk down the aisle by myself, I think it's better to not hurt anyone feelings. My mum is worried about what people may think... Is there a nice way to tell her I don't care? I told her months ago I was walking by myself, but I feel the issue will arise again sooner or later. I'm brutally honest and will make her cry, but the truth is everyone (my mum, my grandparents, my sister and her husband, my little niece, my best friends) is more entitled to walk me down the aisle than my father. Thanks!
    You are allowed to say no. You don't have to give her a reason.
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    I think the bride's aisle escort (or lack thereof in your case) is one of the very few things a bride can put her foot down and say "It's OUR day" about.

    Have whoever you'd like walk you down the aisle. If your mom asks, say "It's my decision to make" and change the topic.

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    phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    There are definitely ways to be kind and caring when you tell your mom that, no, your dad will not be walking you down the aisle. But there's no guaranteed way to keep her from being upset about it.

    Next time it comes up, gently reminder her that he's not walking you down the aisle, and that the topic is not up for discussion.

    "Mom, I know how strongly you feel about having Dad walk me down the aisle. However, I am going to walk down the aisle by myself. I am uncomfortable with the concept of being given away, and so walking down the aisle to [fiance] on my own feels much more natural and meaningful to me. I've already made this decision, and while I know you're not happy about it, I'm asking you to please respect that I've made my choice. Anyway, I am still trying to decide how to arrange the tables. Do you have any advice?"
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    There's nothing wrong with your desire to walk yourself down the aisle. I made the same decision due to the fact that my dad and I are not really on speaking terms and haven't been for awhile. It would have made no sense for him to walk me down the aisle. My mom understood (my parents are recently divorced), though she was still sad as she thought that later in life I would feel like I had "missed out" on something. I did do something PP mentioned, and made it less about my not wanting my dad to walk me and more about me wanting to be independent (I'm a grown woman who's been living on her own for several years) and not wanting to be given away. Both were equally valid reasons for me, but it was easier for her to hear the latter.

    On a side note, I just want to say that I'm sorry your father treated you so horribly when you were a child. Mine was also an emotional abuser, though luckily not physical that I can remember, and I know how hard that can be to overcome. I'm glad you're happy and doing well now - and planning a wedding!
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    I'm all for honesty. Or you could come up with another reason, like you think the tradition is outdated so you are walking alone. Only you know your family.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    I'm so sorry you were treated so badly.  I don't blame you for not wanting him to walk you down the aisle.

    The next time your mother brings it up, tell her, "I do not want him to walk me down the aisle because by being abusive and hostile to me to the point that I had to leave home and take care of myself when I wasn't ready to do so, he forfeited any right to be considered for the honor.  It is nobody else's business.  Now, I hereby declare that I am no longer open to discussing this.  My decision is final."
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    As I replied in your other thread...

    Does your mom know about your father abusing you? Also is your mom paying for any of your wedding?

    You most certainly do not have to have him walk you down! If she knows about the abuse and insists he walks you anyway, just tell her no and be firm with it (if she's paying for some or all of your wedding, be prepared for hurt feelings from her). Although I don't see why any mother would want their daughter to walk down with someone they have such negative feelings for, but I don't know your mom. 

    If she doesn't know about the abuse, she probably doesn't realize your feelings for not wanting him to walk you. Maybe she doesn't know you feel so strongly about not having him walk you, just be open and honest about it. 

    Good luck! Sorry you're having to deal with this. 
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    Before I answer, my question to you is with all other's feelings aside, would you rather walk yourself down the aisle or is there someone (other than your dad of course) that you would like to do it?
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    If it makes you feel better OP I am not even inviting my father to my wedding (my parents are divorced however) and my grandfather will be walking me down the aisle
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    Meet with your officiant and discuss this, then schedule a meeting for your parents and your FI and you to go over ceremony "details."  Have the officiant bring this up and get it settled so you don't walk with your father.
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    Meet with your officiant and discuss this, then schedule a meeting for your parents and your FI and you to go over ceremony "details."  Have the officiant bring this up and get it settled so you don't walk with your father.
    This sounds like something that would just bring more attention to it than necessary.

    I would say no, it's not going to happen, end of story. I would give no reason.

    You might want to think of a reason to tell people though. My friend walked herself down the aisle. I wondered why, I didn't ask until it came up in a conversation months later. Apparently maybe 40 or so other people straight out asked her why she didn't AT the wedding and it made her feel very uncomfortable.
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