Wedding Etiquette Forum

Still getting married but can't afford the wedding - how do we notify guests?

Hi everyone,

Thanks in advance for any advice you can give. My fiance and I have been through a really rough couple of months financially and are not only back to $0 in our wedding savings, but also trying to get ourselves out of the situation we're in. In short, there is absolutely no way we can pay for the wedding we were planning in the time we have. We were planning a budget wedding, but an unexpected move put a big obstacle in our way, making even a cheap day too expensive for us.

We've paid deposits for the location, photographer, and florist. I have my dress and plan on still wearing it, whatever we do (it's not super formal). Our friend who was to marry us is still coming out and will still be our officiant, however we're married. At this point, we plan on finding a beautiful place in our city and being married on the same day we'd already planned.

We're in the process of telling our families that financially, we just won't be able to swing it, and they can still come up and share our day, but we cannot have a wedding like we'd all been planning. So far, it's gone fine and they knew of our circumstances, so are understanding of our decision. We've reached a point now though, that we need to let the 80-100 people we'd invited that they is no longer an event for them to come to. Our wedding day is Saturday, November 2 and StDs have already been sent out. We did make a wedding website and have registry information, but I plan on updating that as soon as all of our family knows.

How do we let everyone else know? I'm fine with making a written announcement, but am unsure how to word it and what is appropriate to put in it. Like I said, I'll also be updating our wedding website, but I don't know how many people actually look at it. We need to do this relatively soon and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or cause them to lose money on plans.

Re: Still getting married but can't afford the wedding - how do we notify guests?

  • I would send out something to the effect of "The wedding of AmyH416 and FI has been cancelled. The Bride and Groom will be wed in a Private Ceremony." 

    I would take down all registry info from the website, and cancel any upcoming showers or prewedding parties. If anyone other then you and FI attend the ceremony, you need to receive them after, by either doing something as fancy as taking them out to dinner, or as simple as having cake and coffee back at your house. It just has to be a gesture of thanks to your family for witnessing your vows. 



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  • Yikes, that's a tough one, because etiquette requires you to follow through with invitations to anyone you sent a save-the-date to.

    If you can't do that, then I think your best course of action is to explain it by word-of-mouth: "Very sadly, we just aren't able, due to reasons beyond our control, to issue invitations to everyone we thought we were going to be able to invite."  You can't tell them that you're not getting married, because that isn't the case.

    BTW, if you marry your FI, no matter how small the event, it's a "wedding."  So, yes, you can have a "wedding," it just won't be the one you originally planned on.
  • AmyH416 said:
    Hi everyone,

    Thanks in advance for any advice you can give. My fiance and I have been through a really rough couple of months financially and are not only back to $0 in our wedding savings, but also trying to get ourselves out of the situation we're in. In short, there is absolutely no way we can pay for the wedding we were planning in the time we have. We were planning a budget wedding, but an unexpected move put a big obstacle in our way, making even a cheap day too expensive for us.

    We've paid deposits for the location, photographer, and florist. I have my dress and plan on still wearing it, whatever we do (it's not super formal). Our friend who was to marry us is still coming out and will still be our officiant, however we're married. At this point, we plan on finding a beautiful place in our city and being married on the same day we'd already planned.

    We're in the process of telling our families that financially, we just won't be able to swing it, and they can still come up and share our day, but we cannot have a wedding like we'd all been planning. So far, it's gone fine and they knew of our circumstances, so are understanding of our decision. We've reached a point now though, that we need to let the 80-100 people we'd invited that they is no longer an event for them to come to. Our wedding day is Saturday, November 2 and StDs have already been sent out. We did make a wedding website and have registry information, but I plan on updating that as soon as all of our family knows.

    How do we let everyone else know? I'm fine with making a written announcement, but am unsure how to word it and what is appropriate to put in it. Like I said, I'll also be updating our wedding website, but I don't know how many people actually look at it. We need to do this relatively soon and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or cause them to lose money on plans.


    You immediately need to call every person that got a STD and tell them the wedding will not take place as planned in November and you will instead be married in a private ceremony.   If they ask questions about why, you can certain tell them that there was a financial emergency and you needed to cancel (or whatever other info you feel comfortable sharing, IF they ask).

    Call them NOW, in case anyone is making travel arrangements.

    you will probably lose your deposits, but that's what happens when you cancel, so not much you can do about that. You can talk to your photograher and see if he/she can transfer your deposit and come and take some quick photos, but reduce your package.

    As far as "inviting people to come and share in your day", if you do this, you need to host them.  the only exception I can think of, is maybe parents and siblings. they might still want to witness your ceremony, even if you are not properly hosting them.  But, really, don't offer anyone else to come and share in your day unless you can come up with enough money to at least host cake/punch and maybe some appetizers.

  • Send out cards (spend money for envelopes if you can) "Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances we are not able to host our wedding as planned.  We appreciate that you were planning on sharing our special day with us and apologize for any inconvience that this may have caused you"

    I'm not a fan of saying it's cancelled because that would lead me to believe that you broke off your engagement, which is not the case. You are just having to simplfy things. However, there is no reason you can't find a nice place to get married, wear your beautiful dress, carry some beautiful flowers and still get some great photos to remember the day with you and those you have there.

     


  • ...

    Call them NOW, in case anyone is making travel arrangements.

    you will probably lose your deposits, but that's what happens when you cancel, so not much you can do about that. You can talk to your photograher and see if he/she can transfer your deposit and come and take some quick photos, but reduce your package.

    As far as "inviting people to come and share in your day", if you do this, you need to host them.  the only exception I can think of, is maybe parents and siblings. they might still want to witness your ceremony, even if you are not properly hosting them.  But, really, don't offer anyone else to come and share in your day unless you can come up with enough money to at least host cake/punch and maybe some appetizers.

    I'm not sure we have phone numbers for everyone, but I will work on contacting them all individually.

    I know we may lose our deposits (the location deposit is refundable), and I still do want to try to pay for our photographer, but we are going to greatly reduce costs in other ways. Besides our officiant, we will be "uninviting" everyone but immediate family. Some of them already have travel plans they can't cancel, and we think we can cover a small dinner/get-together for 30-40 people, which is what immediate + their children comes to.
  • Erikan73 said:

    Send out cards (spend money for envelopes if you can) "Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances we are not able to host our wedding as planned.  We appreciate that you were planning on sharing our special day with us and apologize for any inconvience that this may have caused you"

    I'm not a fan of saying it's cancelled because that would lead me to believe that you broke off your engagement, which is not the case. You are just having to simplfy things. However, there is no reason you can't find a nice place to get married, wear your beautiful dress, carry some beautiful flowers and still get some great photos to remember the day with you and those you have there.

     

    Appreciate this advice, and I like the wording. I plan on still wearing my dress, getting a nice suit (rented or a hella good deal somewhere) for my FI, and having pictures, whatever that means. And we were going to send out Christmas cards with our picture so everyone would know we were still thinking of them and wishing they could be with us. Would that be inappropriate? We won't be expecting any gifts, it would just replace our usual (non-photo) Christmas card.
  • edited July 2013

    You could do Christmas cards like an announcement-- that you were married in a private ceremony.  This could just get a little messy.  People will then know you still had a wedding, cut the guest list, and they were one of the ones cut.  It could lead ot hurt feelings, even if you've just cut down to immediate family.

    I'm very sorry that your plans have had to change.  

     

    ETA: Wait.. TK pros, I assume it's not a 'private ceremony' if it's 30-40 people.  So what would OP call it?

  • LMc0322 said:

    You could do Christmas cards like an announcement-- that you were married in a private ceremony.  This could just get a little messy.  People will then know you still had a wedding, cut the guest list, and they were one of the ones cut.  It could lead ot hurt feelings, even if you've just cut down to immediate family.

    I'm very sorry that your plans have had to change.  

     

    ETA: Wait.. TK pros, I assume it's not a 'private ceremony' if it's 30-40 people.  So what would OP call it?

    "Small" or "intimate" ceremony.
  • Hmmm my gut tells me not to do wedding photo Christmas cards in your situation. You could mail wedding announcements the day after, but those are very simple, no pictures. Best of luck with everything; I know it must be awful but hope you still have a beautiful wedding with your family.
  • LMc0322 said:

    You could do Christmas cards like an announcement-- that you were married in a private ceremony.  This could just get a little messy.  People will then know you still had a wedding, cut the guest list, and they were one of the ones cut.  It could lead ot hurt feelings, even if you've just cut down to immediate family.

    I'm very sorry that your plans have had to change.  

     

    ETA: Wait.. TK pros, I assume it's not a 'private ceremony' if it's 30-40 people.  So what would OP call it?

    To clarify, 30-40 people is just immediate family. I may have slightly exaggerated - maybe more like 20-30. My FI has a big family.
  • AmyH416 said:
    LMc0322 said:

    You could do Christmas cards like an announcement-- that you were married in a private ceremony.  This could just get a little messy.  People will then know you still had a wedding, cut the guest list, and they were one of the ones cut.  It could lead ot hurt feelings, even if you've just cut down to immediate family.

    I'm very sorry that your plans have had to change.  

     

    ETA: Wait.. TK pros, I assume it's not a 'private ceremony' if it's 30-40 people.  So what would OP call it?

    To clarify, 30-40 people is just immediate family. I may have slightly exaggerated - maybe more like 20-30. My FI has a big family.

    Yeah, I still wasn't sure what to call it and didn't want to give bad advice.  To me, if you call it a 'private ceremony', it sounds more like you, H, officiant, witnesses (if necessary).  I didn't want to screw up with the vocab.
  • scribe95 said:

    This one is tough because you are still having a wedding and even 20-30 guests. You just want to uninvite 80-100 people.

    I frankly would do everything in my power to host a simple wedding in a park with cake and punch for everyone you sent a STD to. You could do that for a few hundred bucks.


    I agree with this.  Honestly, if you are still having the wedding on the exact same date, I wouldn't univinite anyone.  Host something very simple in a park with cake, punch and even a bbq.  Hosting 100 people for cake & punch is probably going to be cheaper than hosting 20-40 to dinner.
  • CMGr said:
    I'd like to repeat my previous advice.  Cancel the entire wedding with a printed announcement, then have a small wedding on a different day.  If you do it on the same day, it becomes rude.
    This.



  • annathy03annathy03 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2013
    I'll second QueerFemme and CMGr. Either change the venue to something very low cost like a park at a non meal time (i.e. 2 pm) and host cake/punch for everyone, or cancel and do the smaller ceremony on a different date and only host those guests.
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