FFIL passed away

Ajuliana

Last night FI wasn't feeling well which is unusual for him. We went to bed early and I woke up to FIs younger brother calling us their dad was in the ER and to come home ASAP. We drove the hour+ home, and FI was just so sure his dad had broken his arm irrigating.

At the hospital we found out his dad had suffered a blunt force trauma to the head from a tree in their orchard while driving tractor. Some other pretty horrific thing happened as well. He was dead long before anyone thought to look for him. FI, his younger and older brother, are all distraught.

FI and I have always said if either of our younger siblings (all three 18) were left parentless we would move them in with us an hour away and make sure they got through school. Little brother is convinced he should stay by himself in the family home, but we all (older brother, FI, FSIL, and I) agree he needs adult support and should move in with us.

Are we wrong to want him to move? How on earth do we support him financially and emotionally if he doesn't when we all live an hour away? I'm just so upset I'm not certain I'm thinking straight.

KeptInStitches

I agree with @CMGr. I'm so sorry. You, your FI, and his family are in my thoughts.

bethsmiles

I'm so sorry for your and your FI's loss. This must such a terrible time for both of you.

I can understand being 18 and not wanting to move. His friends are there, his life is there, it's his home. Leaving it behind (even if it is just an hour away) on top of losing his father would be incredibly difficult.

If he is 18 is he in college or his senior year of high school?

Is it possible for anyone to move in with him rather than him moving?

I don't necessarily think you are wrong for wanting to move him. But he is 18, not 5. Have a discussion with him, don't just tell him what is happening. It's his life. He is old enough to make decisions.

ETA: I agree 100% with CMGr that no permanent decisions should be made right away.

Ajuliana

He just graduated, but is not attending college and is not sure if he wants to do that or attend a UTI type institution next year. He just got his first off the farm job, but I can get him a job where we live with my company.

I wish we or the brother and his wife could just move into the family home, but they operate a business in their three bedroom home 45 mins away and are expecting their second child, and we could move if I and FI quit our jobs or started commuting.

FI took the week off to handle the affairs since he is the trustee on the trust and executor of the will. God this is just so fucking wrong to be happening.

bethsmiles

I'd be worried that having him quite his job and moving him so soon after this tragedy would cause him even more emotional distress. But honestly, I don't think there is a perfect solution here. It's a horrible situation and I am truly sorry you and your FI and his family have found themselves having to figure this out.

I would at least try to include him in the decision making process as much as possible.

Dreamergirl8812

I'm so sorry for you, your FI and your FI's family.

libby2483

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I agree with CMGr that no decisions should be made right away, and I also think that he should be part of the decision process.  At 18, he is old enough to live by himself (or with a roommate) if he chooses to, especially since he has graduated from high school, but I agree that he may benefit from having adult support.  You and your family will be in my thoughts.

MairePoppy

I'm sorry for your loss. 

winelover123

I am so sorry for your loss. Don't make any decisions right now - it is quite possible that FFIL left something for his children. Have some time to grieve and think, and ask your FBIL what he'd like to do.

Ajuliana

I'm afraid he will become depressed, or get taken advantage of, because the house is in out in the country and his local family is...not exactly the folks you want around an impressionable kid.

Since it's a family farm, and the house is paid off, there's plenty of money to just send him a monthly check and be done with it. We all want him taken care of in every way and it's going to be terrible no matter what they decide.

NYCBruin

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I agree with PP to not make any decisions right now.  Take some time to grieve.  Take some time to think.  Let FBIL have some time to grieve and think, too.  And then ask him what he'd like to do.

Ven&Radio

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with everyone who said it's too early to be making these decisions. Everyone needs some time to grieve and come to terms with their loss. An 18 year old will be OK on his own, if that's what he wants, for now. 

kryan32

I'm so sorry for your and FI's loss.  I agree that you all need a little time before any permanent decisions are made.  Does he have a friend or a family friend he could stay with for a day or two so he can stay in the area while he processes his loss?  Was FIs dad part of a community - church, social, etc. - that would reach out to him?  I can totally sympathize with him not wanting to leave his house right now - it's his stable connection to his dad... poor kid!

My FI's daughter's mother (his ex-wife) passed away in 2011.  At the time, his daughter was living with us 50% of the time and we were in the middle of filing for full custody.  Even though she was used to being here, it was a huge adjustment for her on top of dealing with her mom's death.  We were able to keep her in her old school for the remainder of the school year - we felt that having her switch schools on top of everything else would just be too much for her and luckily the school district agreed with us.

We are also very lucky to live less than an hour away from a Loss and Bereavement Center that has a special program for kids who have lost a parent.  We started taking SD there in January of 2012 and it's been a huge help to her.

This past year she went to our Jr. High instead of the one she would have gone to if she'd stayed at her old elementary school.  It was another big adjustment for her so I was glad we'd taken them one step at a time.

Losing a parent is so hard - I'm so sorry for your FI and his brother and for you.

 

winelover123

Can your FI stay at the family house with his brother or can the brother stay with you two for the next week so he isn't alone?

Ajuliana

FI is staying at the house with his brother til Friday at least. If his brother stays with us yes he would either take a short leave from his job or if he moves permanently quit.

I will tell them to give brother a week at least to adjust. As far as community, they are a part of a cultural group but after a few weeks people go back to their lives and will forget their promises. I'm just an overprotective big sister.

bethsmiles

Ajuliana said:

I'm afraid he will become depressed, or get taken advantage of, because the house is in out in the country and his local family is...not exactly the folks you want around an impressionable kid. Since it's a family farm, and the house is paid off, there's plenty of money to just send him a monthly check and be done with it. We all want him taken care of in every way and it's going to be terrible no matter what they decide.

If you are afraid he will become depressed I think having him see a grief counselor while he stays where he wants would be a good option.

How do you think he would get taken advantage of?

Ajuliana

@bethsmiles There are cousins who are known to show up and squat. Some are drug users and some are never do wells. I think we will try to get all three boys into counseling too. It was unexpected and I think actually all of us would benefit.

bethsmiles

Ajuliana said:

@bethsmiles There are cousins who are known to show up and squat. Some are drug users and some are never do wells. I think we will try to get all three boys into counseling too. It was unexpected and I think actually all of us would benefit.

Ah. Yeah. That is really concerning. I hope you can figure out something that everyone will be okay with. Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

cruffino

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ajuliana

@stage I know you're right. We've talked about meeting every Sunday at the house too. In my mind, those sleepless nights alone are the hardest and I pray he has none of those.

misssunshine17

I have nothing to add other than I am so sorry for this happening to you all. You have my sincere condolences and positive thoughts reaching out to you. xo. 

sdg2502

I'm really sorry you're all going through this.  I agree with what most others have said about not rushing into anything and not pushing FI's brother into anything.  I also just wanted to add, good on you and your FI for being willing to to do this instead of just leaving him to deal on his own. It's must be hard for your FI to try and make these decisions and worry for his brother while also grieving and I'm sure your support is helping him a lot.

arrippa

My thoughts and prayers are with your FI, his family and you.

Ajuliana

We have our first squatter! The boys cousin who currently doesn't have a place or a job and is 30. He says he wants to stay and "help with harvest" but FIL had prepaid his employees for this year already. This cousin isn't a drug user, but has pulled a gun on the brother twice in recent history. We got all the locks changed, but it doesn't help if they don't use them, which is tough when everyone wants to come and visit.

I'm running errands with his brother today so I'll see how he's feeling so far but just let him know we love him and our home is always open to him. I'm very grateful for all of your advice and condolences, we are doing our best.

SewInLoveWithDMB

I am so sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you during this difficult time.

MissMolly

Ajuliana said:

Last night FI wasn't feeling well which is unusual for him. We went to bed early and I woke up to FIs younger brother calling us their dad was in the ER and to come home ASAP. We drove the hour+ home, and FI was just so sure his dad had broken his arm irrigating. At the hospital we found out his dad had suffered a blunt force trauma to the head from a tree in their orchard while driving tractor. Some other pretty horrific thing happened as well. He was dead long before anyone thought to look for him. FI, his younger and older brother, are all distraught. FI and I have always said if either of our younger siblings (all three 18) were left parentless we would move them in with us an hour away and make sure they got through school. Little brother is convinced he should stay by himself in the family home, but we all (older brother, FI, FSIL, and I) agree he needs adult support and should move in with us. Are we wrong to want him to move? How on earth do we support him financially and emotionally if he doesn't when we all live an hour away? I'm just so upset I'm not certain I'm thinking straight.

Holy smokes, I'm so sorry for your loss.

MuppetFan

I'm very sorry for your loss. If they are all adults, I think their opinion about where they live really matters and it's a discussion for all of them.

Not sure if there's any insurance money to be given etc that could help with expenses, existing debt, or if there is a mortgage on the house... but sit down and evaluate the financial situation and present them with what tthey have to do to maintain the house etc.