Save the date or ditch the date?

scmurphy2010

My fiancé and I have set a tentative date set for May 7, 2016. However, yesterday my future Mother-in-law reminded me that the day after (May 8) is the day her mom (my fiancé's grandmother) passed away. But by the time my fiancé and I get married, she will have been gone for 5 years. While I don't mind changing it to avoid confrontation, it seems like this is a bigger deal for her than me. Not to mention, while I usually encourage suggestions on most things, I don't think someone should tell the bride when she sould have her wedding.

Viczaesar

scmurphy2010 said:

My fiancé and I have set a tentative date set for May 7, 2016. However, yesterday my future Mother-in-law reminded me that the day after (May 8) is the day her mom (my fiancé's grandmother) passed away. But by the time my fiancé and I get married, she will have been gone for 5 years. While I don't mind changing it to avoid confrontation, it seems like this is a bigger deal for her than me. Not to mention, while I usually encourage suggestions on most things, I don't think someone should tell the bride when she sould have her wedding.

That last bit?  I think that's a pretty bad attitude to have about your wedding (and by your I mean you AND your FI.  Remember him, the guy whose wedding it is also?  It's not just about the bride.).  Most people check with VIPs about their date before they make firm plans.  Did she remind you about the date because it would be painful for her if your wedding were so close to the anniversary of her losing her mother?

clg1213

I'd find it rude if her issue was a conflict with her annual week-long retreat to Bora Bora..

In this case, I understand it.  She may actually be focused on the wedding and not wanting it associate with a sad dat. The ultimate response would prob depend on how far along I was in planning around the date.  That is with the date of her loss falling the day after the wedding, I'd be willing to scratch off more site-specific planning if it was the day itself.

MoonlightSilver

It might still be fresh for FMIL that her mom died, and even though 2016 is far away, today is 2013. 

Honestly, it's not exactly the same day, so I wouldn't worry about changing it unless FMIL is really upset. But then again, my grandmother died two days after my birthday, which makes me feel more connected to her than hurtful. Your miles may vary.

mlg78

I agree with MoonlightSilver. It's not the date of her death.  What does your FI think?  Unless he believes it should be moved then I think you can keep it as that date as long as he's on board.

Simply Fated

It's not ON the date of the death, so it shouldn't be a conflict. Ask your fiance what he thinks. Do they visit the grave every year on that date?
For me, the birthdates are memorable and sentimental, but I know that doesn't go for everyone.

In general, it's hard to find the perfect date, so good luck!

jcrmc

We chose our specific date to coincide to the date my own dad died, to make it into a happy occasion.

But I agree - it might be really painful for FMIL. Even tho the date will be 5 years, right now, it has only been 2.

Are you super stuck on the date? Could you maybe do a *May of 2016* date, EXACT day TBA? Talk to your FI and keep in mind that even if someone seems fine on the outside, inside there could be a lot of emotional turmoil.

krizzo17

My mom didn't have the best relationship with her mother, but after she died, my mom came down with the flu every single year on the anniversary - in the middle of August. Stress affects people in weird ways, and the stress of your wedding combined with the stress of the anniversary might not be great. I'd say if her mother had already been gone 5 years and she was still freaking out about it, it might be odd, but right now it's only been 2 years - give her time to grieve.

mlg78

krizzo17 said:

My mom didn't have the best relationship with her mother, but after she died, my mom came down with the flu every single year on the anniversary - in the middle of August. Stress affects people in weird ways, and the stress of your wedding combined with the stress of the anniversary might not be great. I'd say if her mother had already been gone 5 years and she was still freaking out about it, it might be odd, but right now it's only been 2 years - give her time to grieve.

I'd agree with this but by the time the wedding comes, it will be five years.  I'd also back off wedding talk for a while...especially date related stuff.  The wedding is still nearly 3 years away.

OliveOilsMom

Our wedding was 2 days before the day my grandpop died. He had been gone 6 years when we married and no one said a thing about our date. I think you need to speak with your FI and get his feelings about the date. then don't talk wedding with FMIL until its a lot closer! Planning a wedding years in advance is perfectly fine, but remember it will burn out other people towards your wedding if all you do is talk about it the next 3 years. ALso rememeber, no one will be as excited for your wedding as you and FI will be.

southernbelle0915

Maybe it's because not only is it the day before her mom died but it's Mother's Day weekend.

If you're booking stuff for 2016, my guess is that you have the pick of the litter for available dates. Unless there is something super special to you about this date, I would move it to the next weekend or the weekend before.

melbelleup

Honestly, I would move it. I actually asked my brother if it would be okay if we had the same  wedding day because i didnt want to step on anyone's toes. My priest ended up not being able to do it on their day though so all worked out. My brother and sis in law actually liked the idea of us having the same date though

Jen4948

Under the circumstances, especially because your date is still "tentative," I'd take your FMIL's feelings into account and drop the "nobody should tell a bride when to have her wedding" attitude.  It does smack of "bridezilla."

The loss of a parent can be very painful.  If your FMIL doesn't think she can go through with a happy occasion on the anniversary of her mother's death, please consider changing the date.

scmurphy2010

Hello ladies and thank you for the comments. I didn't mean to say "don't tell me when to have my wedding" I meant to say "I don't want to be bullied in choosing something that isn't meaningful to me". I have decided to move the wedding up by a week. My fiancé was thinking of moving it a week back but colleges will be having finals and there will be some guests in college.

DixieDarling0154

This seems to have been resolved but I just wanted to add that my mother died 4 years ago and I still get sad around the time I lost her, so I understand where your fmil is coming from. It is hard to understand that kind of continued grief until you've experienced it.