In whose home city should the wedding be based?

[Deleted User]

I am from Pittsburgh, PA and my FI is from Annapolis, MD. Now that we're engaged, the most pressing question is, "Where will the wedding take place?" My parents feel that, since they are the ones paying for the grand majority of the wedding, they should have final say in the location (they'd want it to be in Pittsburgh so all arrangements can be done nearby). Meanwhile, the future in-laws are convinced that the majority of their family and friends won't be able to afford to travel to PA, and will only attend the wedding if it takes place in Annapolis. My FI and I are mainly concerned with making sure no ill feelings breed between both sets of parents. I'd love second, third and fourth opinions!!!

Teddy917

Those who pay get a say. But another thing to think about is where do you guys currently live? And where would you like to have the wedding?

Simply Fated

I definitely agree with pp that who ever pays, gets a say.
Your FIL do have a point, though. Will at least the majority of your loved ones even be able to make it?

Is there a place in the middle you can have it?

Bubbles2014

I had a similar situation. My parents are paying so it will be in my hometown. If your FIs family has notice I'm sure some of them will be able to make it. Are any of them unable to travel for health reasons? That was another factor for us, as I have several VIPs who can't travel and my FI doesn't.

misssunshine17

People who pay get the say. Where you do currently live, though? I think that makes a difference.

Also, you'll be surprised by who can/can't come. FI's mother sounds like she's writing everyone off, but some people will budget and make it and some people won't. 

[Deleted User]

What about where you live now? I would probably look at venues & pricing of vendors in all towns you considering. Take photos of the venues you visit. Then when you've checked out all possibilities, sit down (possibly with your parents) and figure out which venue you gives you the the most of what you are looking for that has the best price in your budget. Hopefully if you present them with information, and you include them in the choice, it will go smoothly, even if it's not in your home town. But keep in mind, if your parents are footing a large portion of the bill, they do get a big vote on things. Good luck!

AddieCake

I agree with Miss Sunshine. Where do YOU live?  THAT's where I would have it, frankly, but I would have it in your home town otherwise since your parents are paying. It will also probably be easier for you to plan since you will be more familiar with the area. 

KDM323

We are having our wedding where we live. That works out to be 2-3 hours from my family and 1-1.5 hours from his.

allispain

We also had ours where we lived at the time - which is only about an hour from DH's immediate family but 5 hours from mine. My mom was the one paying, but I had been living in that state for a decade so it just made more sense for us to have it there. Plus, my family can easily afford to travel for a weekend, whereas DH's family would have struggled with that due to their strict work schedules and budgets.

PatriceC59

I think Addie is right, having it where you live will be the easiest and you'll be most familiar.  Otherwise, hometown is likely going to be best since your parents are paying.  My FI is from south Jersey and we live in NY where I grew up.  We are having the wedding in NY for many reasons, but planning-wise, I cant imagine a 2 1/2 - 3 hour drive every time I wanted to meet with vendors or having to take weekends off (which is hard in my field) to deal with planning.  

I say, don't make it impossible for you and your FI either.  My FSIL and brother live in SC now but are in the middle of planning a NY wedding.  Needless to say, her stress level is worse than mine...

Good luck figuring it out!  And once you do, happy planning!  Congrats!

ADH0906

My inclination is that your parents should get quite a bit of say, because they're paying.  We recently moved to the halfway point between our parents (still a 7 hour drive for both to get here).  Though both parents contributed significantly, the gifts came with absolutely no strings attached and we're having it where we live.  I can't imagine the stress of having to travel more than 7 hours to meet with vendors, etc.... it just wouldn't work for me.   Are lots of people not coming because it's so far away from everyone? Yup.  Are they calling it a destination wedding even though it's where *we* live? Yup.  But life is full of hard choices, so we made the best decision that we could given our situation.  If your parents are open to having it where you live, that's a no brainer for me.  Otherwise, have it wherever your parents prefer.

Jen4948

In general, I agree that those who pay get a say, but it sounds like it would work out better to have it where you are.  That would mean that you would need to pay for the majority of it, though.

I agree with the PP that when you do make your final decision, hold to it firmly regardless of how much pressure you are put under to change your mind, including threats of non-attendance.

NYCMercedes

I think you, FI, and your parents have to come to terms, whether it be where you live or where they live. The in-laws should not be influencing you. They really do not know who will and will not make the trip, especially since it's not that far. How can they speak for how others will spend their money? How much does it cost to make a five hour car trip, anyway, between Annapolis and Pittsburgh? One of my kid's future in-laws were full of ideas for the wedding that I was paying for. You would be surprised that people who you believe won't be able to make your wedding, end up coming.

ErinMQue

Neither. Have the wedding where you and your fiancé currently live. Why would you want to travel every-other-weekend to meet with vendors when you can stay local. Its your wedding, it should be where you live.

mrsbizzz

I am from the Midwest and my fiance is from the east coast. While we currently both live on the east coast, we will be living in different cities three hours from each other until a few months before the wedding so the decision was tough.

However, my parents are paying for entirety of the wedding and I had strong feelings about having it in my hometown. My hometown was also significantly cheaper on almost all fronts, so I fought hard to have it there.

I think it comes down to two things: 1) who is paying and 2) personal connection to a particular place. Even though my FI initially pushed back on having the wedding in my hometown (his family would have to travel but are also more financially equipped to do so than my family), I stood my ground because of the cost savings to my parents and my strong emotions surrounding my hometown.

delujm0

Both of our families are located mostly in a 2 hour drive radius in the northeast.  FI and i have lived in Charlotte, NC for 8 years.  We are having the wedding in Charlotte.  Our relatives are all able to travel fortunately, and we didn't want to have to deal with the headache of having to take a long weekend trip every time we needed to meet with a vendor.

 

We are extremely fortunate that the contributions are families are making come without strings attached to them.  I assumed this was normal until i started looking at these boards.  So if your parents are shouldering most of the financial burden, it's fair to at least consider having it in their choice of location.

Jen4948

It sounds like it makes most sense to have the wedding where you are-but your parents may well decide not to financially assist you if you do.

I'd try sitting down with each set of parents and working out an arrangement that inconveniences the fewest number of people.  If any of your parents start trying to put their feet down, you might remind them that digging in their heels won't solve the problem.  Maybe you need to assume more of the financial burden, and/or your FILs do, in order to keep that from happening.

loca4pook

raylijay said:

I am from Pittsburgh, PA and my FI is from Annapolis, MD. Now that we're engaged, the most pressing question is, "Where will the wedding take place?" My parents feel that, since they are the ones paying for the grand majority of the wedding, they should have final say in the location (they'd want it to be in Pittsburgh so all arrangements can be done nearby). Meanwhile, the future in-laws are convinced that the majority of their family and friends won't be able to afford to travel to PA, and will only attend the wedding if it takes place in Annapolis. My FI and I are mainly concerned with making sure no ill feelings breed between both sets of parents. I'd love second, third and fourth opinions!!!

Things to consider:

 

1) If they are paying, they really do get alot of the say

2) where do you live?  wedding plan entails alot of plans and appointments, so keep that in mind. How feasible is it to make appointments in a city you don't reside.

3) figure out a guest list and then look at where MOST reside. That might be helpful in deciding as well. If 10 people live in one city and 200 in the other..It makes sense to see where the majority live.

4) Which city would be CHEAPER to host a wedding. That might be something to consider, as well

kjvaracalli

I'm in the SAME boat.  From Pgh originally, FI and I live in Philly his family 2 hrs from Philly.  My parents are paying, and dad wants it in Pgh because he thinks that no one will travel 5 hrs to Philly.  I have explained over and over that is is very difficult to plan events from 300+miles away and when I work at least one weekend/month.   He says everything can be done online including flowers.  Also told him not to assume what people's choices on travel will be; let them decide!   He told me earlier tonight we should just run away to get married and has threatened non-attendance if wedding is here.  He has not given me one pragmatic, concrete, viable reason why it should be in Pgh other than because he wants it there.  I've told him I'm having shower/bachelorette stuff there, my dress if from Pgh, rings are from there too....doesn't matter.  My mom seems my side and the practical reasons for here and has said it's our day.  The venues we like here--prices the same, requires both sides of family to travel.  It's still not resolved, after wks of fighting.  I'll think of you and wish you well with this.  It's certainly stressful and not fun!

JBee85

I don't know what Pittsburgh is like, but Annapolis the most expensive area in the state of Maryland besides Potomac. All your MD state and Federal gov't employees own property there and taxes are expensive.

manjermj

My husband's family is from NE PA and Upstate NY and my entire family is from Pittsburgh and I was currently living in Pittsburgh, so that's where we planned our wedding. I will say that if you are living in the area that would easily make my decision. And while we thoguht a lot of people wouldn't come because it was January in Western Pennsylvania, we still had just about everyone make the trip.