XP RSVP Issues

christi.mayo

I'm sure there are several discussions similar to this floating around, but with 37 days to go I'm lacking in patience to find them.

FI, my family, and myself were very particular about how addressed invitations. For single people, we did not include a guest unless that guest was A. Part of the wedding party, or B. Had been dating a SO for longer than 3 months.

For single people who were invited with a guest, envelopes were addressed, of course to John Smith & guest. For singles without guests, it was just addressed to their name.

As RSVPs start to roll in, we are realizing that many people invited as singles are filling out their response cards assuming they are allowed a guest. I don't want to be rude, because of course these are people who I love, and I want them to be at my wedding. I feel like I'm in an awkward position having to communicate to these people that we did not invite them with a guest.

We are making exceptions for a few, but on the whole, what is the best way to communicate this to people who we prefer do not bring guests?

We also have one instance where we invited a married couple, and they marked on their RSVP card that they would attend with 3 people (including their 13 year old son). We purposely did not invite children, and I'm not sure how to make that clear to them either.

Any advice would be appreciated!!

ashleyep

Call them up and say you only have room for them and not for their guest. 

For the second issue, you call and say that you're not having a children at your wedding and you only have room for the couple, not their kids.

MayDay513

In the case that you call one of your single friends and find out they are dating someone, you need to let them have their +1

RebeccaB88

If someone would introduce someone to you as their boyfriend/girlfriend, you need to invite them, even if they've only been such for a week.  3 months is totally arbitrary.  My ex and I were discussing marriage at 6 weeks. So, if they're together, you're in the wrong.

Otherwise, you need to call those who rsvp'd for more and explain to them that the invitation was only for them and that you can't accomodate extras.  They are in the rude here, not you.

Maggie0829

For those adding onto their guest count you just call them up and say "I am sorry but that invite was for only you and we cannot accommodate your guest."  This goes for any all instances of this happening.

And about your SO cutoff point.  I just don't get it.  So if I had only been dating my H for 85 days then I wouldn't get invited with him but if I had been dating him for 91 days then he would have been included?  That is just odd.  Hopefully not many of your guests fall below that 3 month cutoff line.

MayDay513

christi.mayo said:

I'm sure there are several discussions similar to this floating around, but with 37 days to go I'm lacking in patience to find them.

FI, my family, and myself were very particular about how addressed invitations. For single people, we did not include a guest unless that guest was A. Part of the wedding party, or B. Had been dating a SO for longer than 3 months.

For single people who were invited with a guest, envelopes were addressed, of course to John Smith & guest. For singles without guests, it was just addressed to their name.

As RSVPs start to roll in, we are realizing that many people invited as singles are filling out their response cards assuming they are allowed a guest. I don't want to be rude, because of course these are people who I love, and I want them to be at my wedding. I feel like I'm in an awkward position having to communicate to these people that we did not invite them with a guest.

We are making exceptions for a few, but on the whole, what is the best way to communicate this to people who we prefer do not bring guests?

We also have one instance where we invited a married couple, and they marked on their RSVP card that they would attend with 3 people (including their 13 year old son). We purposely did not invite children, and I'm not sure how to make that clear to them either.

Any advice would be appreciated!!

I forgot to quote

Jen4948

Call anyone who RSVPs for uninvited guests and tell them, "Mary, I'm sorry, but the invitation was extended to you only.  We can't accommodate John or Suzy and I have to ask you not to bring them."  And if they respond that in that case they won't be attending, just tell them, "I'm sorry to hear that-we'll miss you."

HisGirlFriday13

Cross-posting isn't going to get you the answer that you want, which is it's OK to exclude SOs because you made some random, arbitrary cut-off for 'serious enough' relationships.

You STILL don't get to define someone's relationship as 'more than three months.' By 2.5 months of dating, FI and I were engaged.

The only people you can safely invite without a plus-one are truly single guests -- people you KNOW aren't dating anyone. Anyone in a relationship of any kind should be invited as a social unit. That's your bad.

To fix that, you apologise to them and say, 'I'm sorry, I was rude, of course your SO is invited.'

The kid, on the other hand, is NOT part of a social unit and you are free to say to the parents, 'I'm sorry, the invitation was for you and Bob only. We can't accommodate Junior.' If they push back and say they won't come without him, you say, 'I'm so sorry to hear that. We'll miss you.' Call her bluff.

TiaTea

@His GirlFriday "The kid, on the other hand, is NOT part of a social unit"

That is a funny explanation!
The very  definition of  "family"  is "the basic social unit ..." etc.  The children are by all means  part of the social unit

BF/GF on the other hands are ... random choices. One can change a BF/GF without much effort, but can not change his/ her child

@christi.mayo You don't have to invite people who are not legally married, engaged , or cohabitating as a married couple. So you just call those people , appologize for the confusion * even when it's not your fault   and reiterate that the invitation is only for the person on the invitation

Some etiquete/manners advisers would tell you that you don't have to invite children. This is a little tricky. Babies and young children could be disruptive and that is the reason you don't take them to the opera , for example. Also , not every place is appropriate for children, like the night club.
But a child is a part of the family,  and you are splitting a family for occasion that is, after all ,  a family event. On the other hand, if you invite the 13 y.o. , what happens to younger siblings? You still have to split the family if you only invite the older kids. Actually that's one of the reasons that the "no kids" policy  is accepted .
I personally agree with the advisers , who think that  you should consider the formality of the wedding.  For example : a  very formal one ( or a very late one),  should be with no kids. What would a child do there? At a  back yard BBQ - they can run around or play some games, don't have to sit at the tables,  and nobody will be bothered by it.
( At the last one I went to, a 14-15 y.o. was seated by his parents. All night he was playing something on his ipad. But if it wasn't for the games, the kid would have been really bored. Why did his parents brought him - I don't know. And if it was a  formal wedding, sitting there with the game would have been even worse)
So , it's your call. If you tell them that the invitation is only for the adults , you are not doing anything wrong. If you decide to go the "of course , he is part of the family" route , that's fine too.

phira

TiaTea said:

@His GirlFriday "The kid, on the other hand, is NOT part of a social unit"

That is a funny explanation!
The very  definition of  "family"  is "the basic social unit ..." etc.  The children are by all means  part of the social unit

BF/GF on the other hands are ... random choices. One can change a BF/GF without much effort, but can not change his/ her child

@christi.mayo You don't have to invite people who are not legally married, engaged , or cohabitating as a married couple. So you just call those people , appologize for the confusion * even when it's not your fault   and reiterate that the invitation is only for the person on the invitation

Some etiquete/manners advisers would tell you that you don't have to invite children. This is a little tricky. Babies and young children could be disruptive and that is the reason you don't take them to the opera , for example. Also , not every place is appropriate for children, like the night club.
But a child is a part of the family,  and you are splitting a family for occasion that is, after all ,  a family event. On the other hand, if you invite the 13 y.o. , what happens to younger siblings? You still have to split the family if you only invite the older kids. Actually that's one of the reasons that the "no kids" policy  is accepted .
I personally agree with the advisers , who think that  you should consider the formality of the wedding.  For example : a  very formal one ( or a very late one),  should be with no kids. What would a child do there? At a  back yard BBQ - they can run around or play some games, don't have to sit at the tables,  and nobody will be bothered by it.
( At the last one I went to, a 14-15 y.o. was seated by his parents. All night he was playing something on his ipad. But if it wasn't for the games, the kid would have been really bored. Why did his parents brought him - I don't know. And if it was a  formal wedding, sitting there with the game would have been even worse)
So , it's your call. If you tell them that the invitation is only for the adults , you are not doing anything wrong. If you decide to go the "of course , he is part of the family" route , that's fine too.

Um. NO.

Giving an arbitrary rule to define the seriousness of someone else's relationship is rude. My partner and I were serious after 2 months and I would have been offended if I had been invited to a wedding where I couldn't bring him. It doesn't matter if you think we're not serious enough--that's not your call.

Families can be made of more than one social unit. A couple is a social unit. If they have children, they REMAIN a social unit, and their family is a larger social unit that includes the couple. Inviting a couple but not their children is not the same as inviting one member of the couple and their children and leaving the other member out.

Jen4948

TiaTea said:

@His GirlFriday "The kid, on the other hand, is NOT part of a social unit"

That is a funny explanation!
The very  definition of  "family"  is "the basic social unit ..." etc.  The children are by all means  part of the social unit

BF/GF on the other hands are ... random choices. One can change a BF/GF without much effort, but can not change his/ her child

@christi.mayo You don't have to invite people who are not legally married, engaged , or cohabitating as a married couple. So you just call those people , appologize for the confusion * even when it's not your fault   and reiterate that the invitation is only for the person on the invitation

Some etiquete/manners advisers would tell you that you don't have to invite children. This is a little tricky. Babies and young children could be disruptive and that is the reason you don't take them to the opera , for example. Also , not every place is appropriate for children, like the night club.
But a child is a part of the family,  and you are splitting a family for occasion that is, after all ,  a family event. On the other hand, if you invite the 13 y.o. , what happens to younger siblings? You still have to split the family if you only invite the older kids. Actually that's one of the reasons that the "no kids" policy  is accepted .
I personally agree with the advisers , who think that  you should consider the formality of the wedding.  For example : a  very formal one ( or a very late one),  should be with no kids. What would a child do there? At a  back yard BBQ - they can run around or play some games, don't have to sit at the tables,  and nobody will be bothered by it.
( At the last one I went to, a 14-15 y.o. was seated by his parents. All night he was playing something on his ipad. But if it wasn't for the games, the kid would have been really bored. Why did his parents brought him - I don't know. And if it was a  formal wedding, sitting there with the game would have been even worse)
So , it's your call. If you tell them that the invitation is only for the adults , you are not doing anything wrong. If you decide to go the "of course , he is part of the family" route , that's fine too.

Sorry to have to tell you this, but the only "social units" there are are spouses, fiancees, and SOs.

Children are not social units.  Parents and children are not social units.  "Family" does not constitute a social unit.  Simply because one's parents or siblings were invited does not require the hosts to invite you as well.