Wedding Etiquette Forum
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Not invited, but planning to come!

Help!  My destination wedding is coming up in October and most of our RSVP's have not come by mail or even email, they have been made in passing through our parents!  Just last night my mom informed me that my father's cousin's wife had invited her friend to come along to the wedding.  They already invited their adult son and his wife that were not formally invited, but I let that slide, I mean, it's family.  But I have no idea who this friend is and have no desire to have un-knowns at my wedding.  How would you GRACEFULLY go about explaining that there is no world in which this would be okay and that this person is absolutely not welcome?

Re: Not invited, but planning to come!

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    I'm going to call your dad's cousin's wife Barbara, her husband Bill, and their son Dave.

    "Barbara, we have no room for your friend to attend. We hope to see you, Bill, and Dave at the wedding!"
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    Well first, I would call up any guest that did not RSVP through the means you provided (either email or the RSVP card)to get an accurate head count.  Make sure to even do this for the one's that RSVP'd through your Mom.  Of course wait to do this once your RSVP date has passed.  

    As for those including additional people on their RSVP then you nicely say that the invite was for X&Y and that you and your FI cannot accommodate the additional people.  However, I will say since the couple in question has already gotten away with including people who were not invited they may throw a fit as to why you said yes to their son and wife but won't say yes to their friend as well. Honestly you should not have allowed them to include their son and wife in the first place.

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    If your RSVP date has passed, you need to contact your guests that you have not received responses from and get a firm headcount.

    If someone tries to add people not invited, then you say you are sorry but are unable to accommodate anyone not on the invitiation.

    If this means they are unable to attend, a simple "Sorry to hear that, you will be missed" will suffice as a response.

    If your RSVP date has not passed, then wait until it has passed and follow the above.

     

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    Ditto Maggie and have to say - WTF are people thinking??? it's not a free for all! have they never planned or been involved in a wedding before??

    good luck w/ them.....

    i had one of my parents' friends ask if htey could bring hteir adult son, bc we had a destination wedding, they were totally prepared for him to entertain himself and not come, and as we did say Yes to that they sent a ridiculously generous gift and went out of their way to thank us for including him. Once in a while circumstances push people to doing something that doesn't follow etiquette perfectly, but at least couple  your faux pas w/ something generous!

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    @TheBaysideBride - I agree with your "WTF are people thinking?" statement.  It would never even cross my mind to add people onto a RSVP.  I wouldn't even consider asking if I could bring additional people let a lone just doing it.

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    "Barbara, I'm sorry, but the invitation is only for you and your husband.  We cannot accommodate any extra guests and have to require that you not bring them with you to the wedding."
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    Jen4948 said:
    "Barbara, I'm sorry, but the invitation is only for you and your husband.  We cannot accommodate any extra guests and have to require that you not bring them with you to the wedding."
    ^^^ Fixed that for you.



    Anniversary
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    Jen4948 said:
    "Barbara, I'm sorry, but the invitation is only for you and your husband.  We cannot accommodate any extra guests and have to require that you not bring them with you to the wedding."
    ^^^ Fixed that for you.
    Actually, no, you didn't.  Since Barbara doesn't get that it's not okay for her to invite people not listed on the invitation, she may need to be hit over the head with a request that she not bring the uninvited guests with her-especially since they can't be accommodated.
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    @dreamergirl8812 I love your dancing poodle.
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    Is it possible that some guests are using this a vacation? Maybe bringing a friend along for the trip but not the wedding part. We are getting married in the Outer Banks and most of my family will be there for the entire week and renting beach houses.
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    I had the same thought as Jenny....that the non-guest may be coming to the location but not the wedding.  You should definitely figure that out for certain before worrying too much.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    Ditto Maggie and have to say - WTF are people thinking??? it's not a free for all! have they never planned or been involved in a wedding before??

    good luck w/ them.....

    i had one of my parents' friends ask if htey could bring hteir adult son, bc we had a destination wedding, they were totally prepared for him to entertain himself and not come, and as we did say Yes to that they sent a ridiculously generous gift and went out of their way to thank us for including him. Once in a while circumstances push people to doing something that doesn't follow etiquette perfectly, but at least couple  your faux pas w/ something generous!

    Is it possible that some guests are using this a vacation? Maybe bringing a friend along for the trip but not the wedding part. We are getting married in the Outer Banks and most of my family will be there for the entire week and renting beach houses.

    I agree, you should clarify whether or not Barbara's pal will be coming along for the trip or the wedding. In either case, @KeptinStitches put it best: "Barbara, we have no room for your friend to attend. We hope to see you, Bill, and Dave at the wedding!" 

    Also, I love how her name is now Barbara. 
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    You can solve this by following up with people once your RSVP date has passed. Call them and let them know you did not receive their RSVP. Ask them who is planning to attend the wedding. If they "invite" additional guests, let them know you can't accommodate additional people. Easy peasy. You need a final headcount so you can't really go on second hand news anyway.
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    You should make sure that the adult son isn't just going on the vacation and plans to not attend the wedding night. If you are having a destination wedding it makes sense for someone that wants to attend to make it their family vacation. Just because the son is staying at the resort doesn't mean he has to attend the wedding. You can't tell someone where they can vacation. Just be happy that your cousin is taking the time and money to attend the wedding. I would find out if the son even plans to attend the actual wedding part before telling him he isn't able to come.
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    elca - that Barbara Walters photo made me LOL - hard! i'm still laughing.

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    Well first, I would call up any guest that did not RSVP through the means you provided (either email or the RSVP card)to get an accurate head count.  Make sure to even do this for the one's that RSVP'd through your Mom.  Of course wait to do this once your RSVP date has passed.  


    As for those including additional people on their RSVP then you nicely say that the invite was for X&Y and that you and your FI cannot accommodate the additional people.  However, I will say since the couple in question has already gotten away with including people who were not invited they may throw a fit as to why you said yes to their son and wife but won't say yes to their friend as well. Honestly you should not have allowed them to include their son and wife in the first place.
    Just felt the need to point out that the wife should have been invited in the first place, since Bill and Babara are a social unit.
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    Thanks for the advice everyone!  I wanted to say that of course both Bill and Barbara are invited, we did not specifically invite the 4 adult children or an extra person.  We did not specifically state that the kids weren't invited and I don't feel like entering into a decade long feud with family over the wedding so they are more than welcome to come.  The friend, not invited, not even a little bit.  I have an opportunity to see family this weekend and feel that you have all prepared me mentally to handle this little snafoo!

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    arrippaarrippa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2013
    Teddy917 said:
    Well first, I would call up any guest that did not RSVP through the means you provided (either email or the RSVP card)to get an accurate head count.  Make sure to even do this for the one's that RSVP'd through your Mom.  Of course wait to do this once your RSVP date has passed.  

    As for those including additional people on their RSVP then you nicely say that the invite was for X&Y and that you and your FI cannot accommodate the additional people.  However, I will say since the couple in question has already gotten away with including people who were not invited they may throw a fit as to why you said yes to their son and wife but won't say yes to their friend as well. Honestly you should not have allowed them to include their son and wife in the first place.
    Just felt the need to point out that the wife should have been invited in the first place, since Bill and Babara are a social unit.
    I read it was they invited Bill and Barbara. Barbara invited Dave and Dave's wife and OP let it slide. Then Barbara invited her friend and that's why OP is upset.
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    Teddy917 said:
    Well first, I would call up any guest that did not RSVP through the means you provided (either email or the RSVP card)to get an accurate head count.  Make sure to even do this for the one's that RSVP'd through your Mom.  Of course wait to do this once your RSVP date has passed.  

    As for those including additional people on their RSVP then you nicely say that the invite was for X&Y and that you and your FI cannot accommodate the additional people.  However, I will say since the couple in question has already gotten away with including people who were not invited they may throw a fit as to why you said yes to their son and wife but won't say yes to their friend as well. Honestly you should not have allowed them to include their son and wife in the first place.
    Just felt the need to point out that the wife should have been invited in the first place, since Bill and Babara are a social unit.
    Both the husband and wife were invited.  They then included their son and his wife which is a no-no on their part and now the wife that was invited wants to also invite her friend, which again is a no-no.  At the end when I said that she should not have allowed their son and wife to come in the first place I meant their son and the son's wife, not the wife of the cousin originally invited.  Did that make sense?

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