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    It sounds like his sister is seriously going through A LOT. Is she getting any help? Sounds like with her blog she's trying to reach out for it. 

    Try not to take it personally (though I would be hurt too with some of the things she's said)- it seems like these things are more to do with the depression than you personally. 

    Have you talked to her? Would she go out for coffee with you and you two could talk about her and you, and your friendship, opposed to all about the wedding? You could ask her if she would like to be in your WP- maybe she would think it too stressful? Maybe she would feel like someone cares and appreciate it?

    Have you talked to FMIL about your concerns? Not about the wedding itself but your relationship with FSIL? Is she understanding of where everything is coming from?

    Good luck, tough situation. 


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    P.S. I will agree, you do not HAVE to include her in your WP. There is no rule that says family has to be included. If you chose not to include her, keep the wedding talk to a minimum around that side of the family to avoid the drama.

    Just seems there is more going on here than just wedding issues for FSIL. 
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    Your FI or his family does not get to dictate who stands up with you! If he wants her standing up there he needs to have her on HIS side and not force you to have her on yours. 
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    It is totally legit to have her stand up on his side. I am not sure if she would have to attend the bachelorette party either if she isn't one of the bridesmaids. That might reduce drama too.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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    Klm2571 said:
    So, my fiancée and his little sister used to be very close and she and I used to be good friends but she has changed alot over the course of our relationship (not just towards us she's changed as a person) she is battling depression, very openly like she has a blog and posts what we feel to be over sharing of private matters about her self harm it's a mess and she just isn't a very happy person. And while I understand how it's the nice thing to do--to include her as a bridesmaid, she has not been nice to either of us in quite some time and ultimately doesn't seem like she cares at all. We called her the day we got engaged and she said..."I'm sleeping" and that's all and we got her a ton of Christmas gifts and she never thanked me and openly all over social media thanked her brother when he had told her that it was from both of us several times... To the point where he got angry with her and forced her to apologized. And then she recently graduated and we got her a Tiffany's necklace ($$$) and she opened it and said ewwwww Tiffany's and that's it and then I made a DVD to okay during her party of all of her old pictures and all she did was critizise it until I told my fiancée I had to leave and yet again he forced her to apologize and I will text her and she will not text me back. His mom was deeply offended that I was even considering not including her and I told her that if she doesn't change her attitude towards me or the wedding than I don't know why I should include her. That went over swimmingly (not) and my fiancée ultimately wants her in it because he practically raised her but understands she treats us terribly and I don't want any negativity on our wedding day by including her with all of the comments and rudeness or by not including her. She tends to hold grudges like for her life so my fiancée thinks she will never forgive me if I don't include her... Like I said it's DRAMA. I'm a super laid back bride in terms of I kinda wanna make everyone happy but I don't want to have to deal with any of this nonsense. Help:)
    You need to pick your side and your FI gets to pick his side, so if he wants sister in the wedding, then she should be standing on his side.  You are no longer close with FI's sister, so that alone should be a reason you do not pick her.  Let alone how she treats you now, there is not one positive reason to include her.  If FI doesn't want her to stand on his side, then she could either attend as a guest or possibly give her a reading to do.  Don't let FMIL guilt you into picking her, she has no say in this, even if she were to contribute financially to the wedding.

    Also, your FSIL needs help for her depression issues.  I hope that FI's family sees this and encourages her to get help.

    I agree with Blue_Bird, that your FI needs to try a different approach with his sister when she treats you so badly.  I think it would be better if he were to say something along the lines of "Due to your current treatment of Klm, we are leaving."  Then just leave.  Don't force her to apologize, but show her that if she continues to treat you in such a manner, she won't be seeing her brother either.
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    You're certainly not obligated to ask her to be in the WP, and your FI can certainly ask her to stand up on his side.  But if you decide that you want to consider having her stand on your side, I agree with SP29 that it would be great for you to have coffee with her or something and ask her if she wants to be in the wedding. 

    She may very well not want to be in it, but may just want to at least be asked.  It's not ideal, but she's clearly going through a lot, and whether she's in it or not, it sounds like there will be some drama in your lives when it comes to her.  So excluding her (not trying to convince you to have her in it since I truly don't think you have to!) might not really limit the issues and drama with her and the wedding anyway. 

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    She can be on your FI's side.

    But if she's depressed, you need to take a step back and realize that she's 18 and acting out due to her issues going untreated.


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    nebullamanebullama member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2013
    I agree with @scribe95.  In light of a major depressive disorder her role in your wedding is relatively a minor issue.  Try not to take her seeming indifference, or even her rude behavior, personally.  Depression can suck the life out of a person to the point where they longer have the capacity to care about much of anything.  Chances are, she is not doing these things to hurt you.

    Having said that, it may not be the best idea to ask her to stand up with you, for her sake as well as yours.  The focus where she is concerned should be getting her the help she needs.  If she gets on track to getting healthy you can always include her in other ways, such as doing a reading.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  It definitely takes some joy out of your planning.

    I vote to not include her.  If you think dealing with her at holidays or graduation has been miserable, imagine what it will be like when you tell her what she has to wear, when she has to order her dress, what time she needs to show up to rehearsals, whether she has to have shoes that match the other bridesmaids, etc.  If I was a betting woman, I'd say she'll rebel every step of the way and you're going to end up herding her every step of the way, which will just make her hate you.  Good luck asking her to do something like wear her hair a certain way if all of your bridesmaids are putting it up, etc.

    Caveat: if she gets help and starts turning the corner, even if the wedding is getting close, you could always have a heart to heart with her and tell her how much you respect her now that she's getting help, etc.  Then invite her to be a bridesmaid or hold some other special position at your wedding like guest book, program handing out, etc.  Just keep an eye out for a second hand version of your bridesmaid dress, or if one is available off the rack, etc.  That way you can get her involved quickly if she'll behave and enjoy the experience.

    Otherwise, on your special day, you shouldn't have to deal with her drama.  I'm sure she'll smile pretty for the group photo (not).  Save yourself the aggravation and enjoy your day without her in the bridal party.
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    allispain said:
    I ditto PPs that it seems like this girl is SCREAMING for help -- her blog, which you cavalierly decribe as "over-sharing" -- is her way of reaching out, begging for help, begging for someone to notice her. And you and your FI seem to think "noticing" her means buying her expensive things that maybe she doesn't want or need.

    You say your FI raised her, so that tells me their mother isn't really in the picture, or isn't a good mother, or just isn't involved. Instead of berating her and forcing her to apologize to you, your FI needs to talk to her and find out what's wrong and how he can help.

    In the grand scheme of things going on in her life right now, your wedding is so insignificant as to be meaningless. Please focus on the fact she needs and wants and is begging for help, Focus on getting her the help she needs. Then worry about your wedding. 
    There is so much good advice in this response.

    OP, I realize that you came on here with a question about whether or not to include your FSIL in your wedding, and that maybe you're not looking for this kind of feedback. But please, realize that this girl's mental health is infinitely more important right now than whether or not she will be a BM.

    My sister has a long history of serious mental illness (bipolar disorder). I admit, as a teenager (and even as an adult) I didn't always want to deal with it. I could have been a better sister to her and a better friend. However, any time she approached me and mentioned that she was cutting herself, taking more of her medication than she was supposed to, etc. I immediately jumped into action. I would go to my parents, tell them what my sister had said, and as a family we would get her the help that she needed. Sometimes this involved placing a psychiatric hold on her so that she was forced to get the help she needed in a hospital. She knew that if she told me something I would do something about it - that's why she would seek me out and tell me. For some reason, she could never confess these things to our parents, and no one else in her life ever cared enough about her to do something. Her way of getting help for herself was to find me.

    You say in your original post that your FSIL posts in her blog about her self harm. She is obviously hoping that someone will read that and will do something to help her. Please, be the person who finds a way to get this girl the help she needs. Maybe she'll fight you on it at the time (my sister always screamed and cried, said that I had betrayed her trust, etc. - until her meds got straightened out and she would come to me and thank me for taking care of her). But that shouldn't stop you from trying to get her what she needs - and that's not expensive gifts, it's professional help.
    This. Times 1,000,000. You came here asking for advice about whether she should be your BM, but please see that there are much, much bigger issues to worry about.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    ItsthevixItsthevix member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2013

    It sounds to me that you and your fiancé are just as detached from what is going on in her life as she is from what is going on in yours. She may just be hating the fact that her brother is getting married, she might simply not like you anymore, she might just be a jerk, and she also might be suffering from anxiety and depression and in desperate need of medication and treatment. Which is not for you to solve. But it IS for her brother and family to address. Making her apologize for hostility doesn't help her, you or anyone. Addressing why she is so hostile and depressed would be far more valuable (but is also much harder, so people tend to shy away from it).

    That said, I do not think it would be wise to ask her to be in your wedding party. It will be another source of stress for her, another thing she doesn't want to do that the family is "making" her do, and she's going to make it miserable for everyone. Plus, you KNOW she's going to blog about it, so you're going to get to hear all about how NOT into it she really is. But MIL wants her in the wedding. So how about a compromise? Ask future SIL if she would like to serve some other role in the wedding - something that won't ruin the event if she flakes out, and preferably, something that she would actually *enjoy* doing. Is she artistic? Ask her to design the fingerprint tree or put together a photo collage of her brother when he was younger. Can she play an instrument? Ask her if she'd like to play something for the time BEFORE the ceremony.

    Don't ask her to be up on display for you two during the ceremony, not only because she's not very nice to deal with and doesn't care much about manners or etiquette at the moment, but because she's also going through a lot and is emotionally unstable right now. Weddings bring up a lot of jealousy, insecurities and negative feelings in the best of people. So don't set yourself up to have a bridesmaid who blows off the wedding, shaves half her head the night before, rolls her eyes the whole time, or starts telling people how it won't last six months while you're still cutting the cake. Make it easier on yourselves (and her) by letting her take a back-stage role, and only if SHE wants it.

    MIL might not like it, but this is a great opportunity to start practicing setting boundaries with your in-laws. Your marriage will be much happier if you can establish a respectful but ADULT relationship with your fiancé's family, and that includes being able to say no sometimes, especially about the things that are important to you. Something like, "We will not be asking So-and-so to be a Bridesmaid. We understand that you're disappointed, and that it might take you a few days to readjust your expectation on this, and that is completely understandable. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but we both know it is the right choice for us."

    Best of luck to you!!

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    Itsthevix said:

    It sounds to me that you and your fiancé are just as detached from what is going on in her life as she is from what is going on in yours. She may just be hating the fact that her brother is getting married, she might simply not like you anymore, she might just be a jerk, and she also might be suffering from anxiety and depression and in desperate need of medication and treatment. Which is not for you to solve. But it IS for her brother and family to address. Making her apologize for hostility doesn't help her, you or anyone. Addressing why she is so hostile and depressed would be far more valuable (but is also much harder, so people tend to shy away from it).

    That said, I do not think it would be wise to ask her to be in your wedding party. It will be another source of stress for her, another thing she doesn't want to do that the family is "making" her do, and she's going to make it miserable for everyone. Plus, you KNOW she's going to blog about it, so you're going to get to hear all about how NOT into it she really is. But MIL wants her in the wedding. So how about a compromise? Ask future SIL if she would like to serve some other role in the wedding - something that won't ruin the event if she flakes out, and preferably, something that she would actually *enjoy* doing. Is she artistic? Ask her to design the fingerprint tree or put together a photo collage of her brother when he was younger. Can she play an instrument? Ask her if she'd like to play something for the time BEFORE the ceremony.

    Don't ask her to be up on display for you two during the ceremony, not only because she's not very nice to deal with and doesn't care much about manners or etiquette at the moment, but because she's also going through a lot and is emotionally unstable right now. Weddings bring up a lot of jealousy, insecurities and negative feelings in the best of people. So don't set yourself up to have a bridesmaid who blows off the wedding, shaves half her head the night before, rolls her eyes the whole time, or starts telling people how it won't last six months while you're still cutting the cake. Make it easier on yourselves (and her) by letting her take a back-stage role, and only if SHE wants it.

    MIL might not like it, but this is a great opportunity to start practicing setting boundaries with your in-laws. Your marriage will be much happier if you can establish a respectful but ADULT relationship with your fiancé's family, and that includes being able to say no sometimes, especially about the things that are important to you. Something like, "We will not be asking So-and-so to be a Bridesmaid. We understand that you're disappointed, and that it might take you a few days to readjust your expectation on this, and that is completely understandable. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but we both know it is the right choice for us."

    Best of luck to you!!

    All of this x Googol.
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    She has gotten help shes been in and out of therapy and the hospital and is on medication.
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    Klm2571 said:
    She has gotten help shes been in and out of therapy and the hospital and is on medication.
    Perhaps she needs different medications.  Keep encouraging her to get help and find medication that will work for her.  I'm not saying that you should add her to your BP, but perhaps you and FI could show some more compassion to her.  Your FI yelling at her will only make her feel worse about herself.  Try walking away from the situation instead and no engaging with her.

    Also, it's rude to delete your post.  You were already quoted, so there really was no reason to delete.  Also, changing the title of your post will only encourage more people to read it.
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    Klm2571 said:
    She has gotten help shes been in and out of therapy and the hospital and is on medication.
    Perhaps she needs different medications.  Keep encouraging her to get help and find medication that will work for her.  I'm not saying that you should add her to your BP, but perhaps you and FI could show some more compassion to her.  Your FI yelling at her will only make her feel worse about herself.  Try walking away from the situation instead and no engaging with her.

    Also, it's rude to delete your post.  You were already quoted, so there really was no reason to delete.  Also, changing the title of your post will only encourage more people to read it.
    This.



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