Moms and Maids

Issues with mom

So after reading through some of the other posts I am really upset about what to do. My wedding is in Oct. of 2014 so we have some time to decide what to do about my mom.

Back story: My parents got divorced in 2008 when I was 19. During that time my mom kicked me out and I had to live with my dad and grandma. My dad remarried and I live with him and my stepmother. It was 2 years before my mom and I spoke again. So we slowly started to talk again and involve each other in our lives. She dated people off and on then in January of 2012 she started to date this guy. He was dd but I didn't see it lasting long.

In late March 2012 she sat down with my fiance (boyfriend at the time, not engaged yet) and said she broke up with this guy and she wants to get a restraining order against him because he was stalking her!!!! She wanted us to keep away from him and not make contact with him. We said ok and told her we will keep an eye out. In April she got back with the guy because he was re-baptized and a better man. I warned her of my concern and she ignored me. In May they got engaged! I told her that this guy seems fishy and I do not trust him. She told me that I was just jealous I was not engaged yet. I said that is not what it was but out of concern for you and my sister who still comes over to your house (sister is 12). She said not to worry she will not make the same mistakes she made with my father because everything she had with my father was a mistake. Ouch.

I took a job and moved about an hour away. I came back in November and I asked if I could get a couple things that were still at her house. She said ok. He wasn't supposed to be there. But he was. He started telling my boyfriend that I am a horrible person. When I tried to talk to my mom he kept interjecting and when my boyfriend had enough he said to please stay out of this it is between them, he called him a punk little boy and threatening both of us. I was scared this guy might do something so I looked into a restraining order. However, we did not get one yet. They were getting married in December and I did not go because of this guy.

My fiance and I are now back in our hometown and this guy still is causing issues. I resigned from my position and he is telling people that I got fired, etc. I know my wedding is a year away and things could change by then but I do not want this man at the wedding. I would feel bad not having my mom there just because she is my mom but I do not want this guy there. I have read from other posts that it would be rude not to invite him because he is my mom's husband but with all the things he has said and done to my fiance and I, we can't stand to have him at our happy day. Some insight please...

Re: Issues with mom

  • The man has threatened both you and your FI. You feel unsafe when you are around him. This is one of the very few mitigating circumstances that allow for you to not invite someone's SO.

    That being said, this is also your mother's husband, which makes it a very tricky situation. I'm going to give you a couple of scenarios that might prove useful.

    A) When it gets closer to time to finalize the invite list, is privately sit your mom down and talk with her about this. You can raise your concerns in a general fashion - make it about your routine interactions with her and not about the wedding. Tell her that you are concerned about her husband and his behavior and that you do not feel safe around him because he has made threats against you in the past. Let her know that you want her in your life but you are not comfortable having him in it as well. See what she says and how she reacts. From what you've posted, she will probably be angry with you and swear that everything is fine with him. If that's the case, then you need to make a very tough decision.

    B) Invite him along with your mother to the wedding. Have someone you trust act as your "bride's guard" - this person can play interference for you and your mom's husband if he starts bothering you. It can be a family member, a friend, your DOC, etc. Basically, the idea is that if he comes up to you and starts saying things that are upsetting you, your "bride's guard" can come over with an excuse as to why you need to be somewhere else - "Hi bride! Sorry to interrupt, but the caterer has a question / the photographer needs you / your husband is looking for you." Additionally, you should instruct your band or DJ that this man should not be allowed access to the mic, so that you don't end up with any impromptu toasts.

    Good luck deciding how you want to handle this - I had to go through something similar with my father and his new wife (she wasn't making threats or anything, but my dad turned into a really mean and hurtful person when he married her and started saying lots of not so nice things to me). In the end, I invited both of them to the wedding - and they declined attending. They made their choice, but I don't see me ever inviting him back into my life at this point. Not inviting your mother's husband to your wedding might have similar consequences, which is why it's something you and your FI should discuss and decided upon together as to what is best for you in the long run emotionally, psychologically, physically, etc.

    Also - I just want to ask - if this man is threatening you, is anyone looking out for your little sister in her interactions with him? You showed some concern about it in your post, which is why I ask.
    image
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Let time be your friend.  Do not discuss your hesitations with anyone other than your FI for now. You literally do not have to make this decision for another 10 months.  Many things could change between now and then.  He may be completely out of the picture by next Fall.

    Limit your wedding talk with your mom. Her husband should be kept out of the wedding loop as much as possible.  

    IF he is still with your mom when it is time to make that decision, some behaviors do override etiquette. Abusive, threatening guests do not need to be invited. Restraining orders would obviously prevent him from attending. Bear in mind that etiquette also would have you keep the safety and best interests of all your guests in mind.  Your mom made her choice and can see what it has done to the extended family.  You and FI need to make yours.  Let time be your guide for now.
  • allispain said:
    The man has threatened both you and your FI. You feel unsafe when you are around him. This is one of the very few mitigating circumstances that allow for you to not invite someone's SO.

    That being said, this is also your mother's husband, which makes it a very tricky situation. I'm going to give you a couple of scenarios that might prove useful.

    A) When it gets closer to time to finalize the invite list, is privately sit your mom down and talk with her about this. You can raise your concerns in a general fashion - make it about your routine interactions with her and not about the wedding. Tell her that you are concerned about her husband and his behavior and that you do not feel safe around him because he has made threats against you in the past. Let her know that you want her in your life but you are not comfortable having him in it as well. See what she says and how she reacts. From what you've posted, she will probably be angry with you and swear that everything is fine with him. If that's the case, then you need to make a very tough decision.

    B) Invite him along with your mother to the wedding. Have someone you trust act as your "bride's guard" - this person can play interference for you and your mom's husband if he starts bothering you. It can be a family member, a friend, your DOC, etc. Basically, the idea is that if he comes up to you and starts saying things that are upsetting you, your "bride's guard" can come over with an excuse as to why you need to be somewhere else - "Hi bride! Sorry to interrupt, but the caterer has a question / the photographer needs you / your husband is looking for you." Additionally, you should instruct your band or DJ that this man should not be allowed access to the mic, so that you don't end up with any impromptu toasts.

    Good luck deciding how you want to handle this - I had to go through something similar with my father and his new wife (she wasn't making threats or anything, but my dad turned into a really mean and hurtful person when he married her and started saying lots of not so nice things to me). In the end, I invited both of them to the wedding - and they declined attending. They made their choice, but I don't see me ever inviting him back into my life at this point. Not inviting your mother's husband to your wedding might have similar consequences, which is why it's something you and your FI should discuss and decided upon together as to what is best for you in the long run emotionally, psychologically, physically, etc.

    Also - I just want to ask - if this man is threatening you, is anyone looking out for your little sister in her interactions with him? You showed some concern about it in your post, which is why I ask.
    Thankfully I have not had any interactions with him in the past month or so. I was able to audio record the conversation I did have with him and my dad's lawyer has a copy of it.

    My sister has split time with my dad and mom. Mon. and Wed. and every other Fri. Sat. and Sun. with mom. Other times with us. She does not tell us much about what goes on at mom's. There have been instances where he has hurt her emotionally (gone to school crying, threatened to take her door off her room, took away cell phone and told her he was going to the police because she found it, told her friends' parents that our dad is a wife beater, etc.). He has yelled at her friends when they are over and upset them to the point of they are no longer allowed over to see my sister if he is around. My dad has talked with his lawyer and when my sister is ready they will try to get her full time. She does not want to change schools so she wants to wait until beginning of next school year then she can continue going to the school she is at and still live with us because it would occur mid-year.

    Thank you for those options. Much better responses then I thought I was going to receive. My FI said that we will have his uncle and cousin there as bodyguards.
  • mobkaz said:
    Let time be your friend.  Do not discuss your hesitations with anyone other than your FI for now. You literally do not have to make this decision for another 10 months.  Many things could change between now and then.  He may be completely out of the picture by next Fall.

    Limit your wedding talk with your mom. Her husband should be kept out of the wedding loop as much as possible.  

    IF he is still with your mom when it is time to make that decision, some behaviors do override etiquette. Abusive, threatening guests do not need to be invited. Restraining orders would obviously prevent him from attending. Bear in mind that etiquette also would have you keep the safety and best interests of all your guests in mind.  Your mom made her choice and can see what it has done to the extended family.  You and FI need to make yours.  Let time be your guide for now.
    Thank you. My FI and I have not talked about it with anyone other than my dad. His family knows about the stressed relationship with my mom and understand. I feel weird about some things though. Like my FMIL was asked what color dress she was going to wear and she said she didn't know and they told her to wait until the MOB makes her descion. Well..... would that be my stepmom because of this whole situation? Just little things that make me feel weird. haha
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2013
    bribri21 said:
    allispain said:
    The man has threatened both you and your FI. You feel unsafe when you are around him. This is one of the very few mitigating circumstances that allow for you to not invite someone's SO.

    That being said, this is also your mother's husband, which makes it a very tricky situation. I'm going to give you a couple of scenarios that might prove useful.

    A) When it gets closer to time to finalize the invite list, is privately sit your mom down and talk with her about this. You can raise your concerns in a general fashion - make it about your routine interactions with her and not about the wedding. Tell her that you are concerned about her husband and his behavior and that you do not feel safe around him because he has made threats against you in the past. Let her know that you want her in your life but you are not comfortable having him in it as well. See what she says and how she reacts. From what you've posted, she will probably be angry with you and swear that everything is fine with him. If that's the case, then you need to make a very tough decision.

    B) Invite him along with your mother to the wedding. Have someone you trust act as your "bride's guard" - this person can play interference for you and your mom's husband if he starts bothering you. It can be a family member, a friend, your DOC, etc. Basically, the idea is that if he comes up to you and starts saying things that are upsetting you, your "bride's guard" can come over with an excuse as to why you need to be somewhere else - "Hi bride! Sorry to interrupt, but the caterer has a question / the photographer needs you / your husband is looking for you." Additionally, you should instruct your band or DJ that this man should not be allowed access to the mic, so that you don't end up with any impromptu toasts.

    Good luck deciding how you want to handle this - I had to go through something similar with my father and his new wife (she wasn't making threats or anything, but my dad turned into a really mean and hurtful person when he married her and started saying lots of not so nice things to me). In the end, I invited both of them to the wedding - and they declined attending. They made their choice, but I don't see me ever inviting him back into my life at this point. Not inviting your mother's husband to your wedding might have similar consequences, which is why it's something you and your FI should discuss and decided upon together as to what is best for you in the long run emotionally, psychologically, physically, etc.

    Also - I just want to ask - if this man is threatening you, is anyone looking out for your little sister in her interactions with him? You showed some concern about it in your post, which is why I ask.
    Thankfully I have not had any interactions with him in the past month or so. I was able to audio record the conversation I did have with him and my dad's lawyer has a copy of it.

    My sister has split time with my dad and mom. Mon. and Wed. and every other Fri. Sat. and Sun. with mom. Other times with us. She does not tell us much about what goes on at mom's. There have been instances where he has hurt her emotionally (gone to school crying, threatened to take her door off her room, took away cell phone and told her he was going to the police because she found it, told her friends' parents that our dad is a wife beater, etc.). He has yelled at her friends when they are over and upset them to the point of they are no longer allowed over to see my sister if he is around. My dad has talked with his lawyer and when my sister is ready they will try to get her full time. She does not want to change schools so she wants to wait until beginning of next school year then she can continue going to the school she is at and still live with us because it would occur mid-year.

    Thank you for those options. Much better responses then I thought I was going to receive. My FI said that we will have his uncle and cousin there as bodyguards.

    I respect allispain's advice as she has had some personal experience with worrisome guests.  I have not had to deal with such an issue.  Having said that, however, I think if a couple has to go to such extremes as to have bodyguards or bride's guards, then you should not invite that guest.  

    Bribri21, I am not quite sure what you are implying when you talk about the responses you anticipated.  Reasonable questions will always receive reasonable responses.  Valid concerns will be addressed thoughtfully. The only posters who need to worry about attracting the "wrong" response are those that ask for validation for things they already know to be wrong.  Please continue to lurk (as you said you did prior to posting this question) and ask questions.  
  • I was concerned that it would come down to a "this is not just your day, it is a family day" type conversation or answer. Because it is a day to celebrate 2 families becoming one we want people to enjoy themselves and not have to worry about family concerns. I did not want to come off selfish or childish in my questions. If that makes sense.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    bribri21 said:
    I was concerned that it would come down to a "this is not just your day, it is a family day" type conversation or answer. Because it is a day to celebrate 2 families becoming one we want people to enjoy themselves and not have to worry about family concerns. I did not want to come off selfish or childish in my questions. If that makes sense.

    It does make sense.  You did not come close to sounding selfish or childish.  "This is not just your day; it is a family day" is true.  And that is why my personal opinion is that you do need to keep in mind the safety and enjoyment of all your guests.  You have some difficult decisions to make.  As I said, let time help you for now.  


    melbelleup
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    bribri21 said:
    mobkaz said:
    Let time be your friend.  Do not discuss your hesitations with anyone other than your FI for now. You literally do not have to make this decision for another 10 months.  Many things could change between now and then.  He may be completely out of the picture by next Fall.

    Limit your wedding talk with your mom. Her husband should be kept out of the wedding loop as much as possible.  

    IF he is still with your mom when it is time to make that decision, some behaviors do override etiquette. Abusive, threatening guests do not need to be invited. Restraining orders would obviously prevent him from attending. Bear in mind that etiquette also would have you keep the safety and best interests of all your guests in mind.  Your mom made her choice and can see what it has done to the extended family.  You and FI need to make yours.  Let time be your guide for now.
    Thank you. My FI and I have not talked about it with anyone other than my dad. His family knows about the stressed relationship with my mom and understand. I feel weird about some things though. Like my FMIL was asked what color dress she was going to wear and she said she didn't know and they told her to wait until the MOB makes her descion. Well..... would that be my stepmom because of this whole situation? Just little things that make me feel weird. haha

    The tradition that the MOB select her dress first has for the most part gone by the wayside.  The parents of the bride and groom are not a part of the wedding party.  They are under no obligation to coordinate or match the wedding party.  Not wearing white, and selecting a dress that does reflect the tone/formality of the wedding is really all that is required of the MOB/MOG.  Most of the posters on this forum typically suggest that the bride try hard not to influence the attire of the mothers.  The parents should wear attire that makes them look and feel their best.
    melbelleup
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    bribri21 said:
    allispain said:
    The man has threatened both you and your FI. You feel unsafe when you are around him. This is one of the very few mitigating circumstances that allow for you to not invite someone's SO.

    That being said, this is also your mother's husband, which makes it a very tricky situation. I'm going to give you a couple of scenarios that might prove useful.

    A) When it gets closer to time to finalize the invite list, is privately sit your mom down and talk with her about this. You can raise your concerns in a general fashion - make it about your routine interactions with her and not about the wedding. Tell her that you are concerned about her husband and his behavior and that you do not feel safe around him because he has made threats against you in the past. Let her know that you want her in your life but you are not comfortable having him in it as well. See what she says and how she reacts. From what you've posted, she will probably be angry with you and swear that everything is fine with him. If that's the case, then you need to make a very tough decision.

    B) Invite him along with your mother to the wedding. Have someone you trust act as your "bride's guard" - this person can play interference for you and your mom's husband if he starts bothering you. It can be a family member, a friend, your DOC, etc. Basically, the idea is that if he comes up to you and starts saying things that are upsetting you, your "bride's guard" can come over with an excuse as to why you need to be somewhere else - "Hi bride! Sorry to interrupt, but the caterer has a question / the photographer needs you / your husband is looking for you." Additionally, you should instruct your band or DJ that this man should not be allowed access to the mic, so that you don't end up with any impromptu toasts.

    Good luck deciding how you want to handle this - I had to go through something similar with my father and his new wife (she wasn't making threats or anything, but my dad turned into a really mean and hurtful person when he married her and started saying lots of not so nice things to me). In the end, I invited both of them to the wedding - and they declined attending. They made their choice, but I don't see me ever inviting him back into my life at this point. Not inviting your mother's husband to your wedding might have similar consequences, which is why it's something you and your FI should discuss and decided upon together as to what is best for you in the long run emotionally, psychologically, physically, etc.

    Also - I just want to ask - if this man is threatening you, is anyone looking out for your little sister in her interactions with him? You showed some concern about it in your post, which is why I ask.
    Thankfully I have not had any interactions with him in the past month or so. I was able to audio record the conversation I did have with him and my dad's lawyer has a copy of it.

    My sister has split time with my dad and mom. Mon. and Wed. and every other Fri. Sat. and Sun. with mom. Other times with us. She does not tell us much about what goes on at mom's. There have been instances where he has hurt her emotionally (gone to school crying, threatened to take her door off her room, took away cell phone and told her he was going to the police because she found it, told her friends' parents that our dad is a wife beater, etc.). He has yelled at her friends when they are over and upset them to the point of they are no longer allowed over to see my sister if he is around. My dad has talked with his lawyer and when my sister is ready they will try to get her full time. She does not want to change schools so she wants to wait until beginning of next school year then she can continue going to the school she is at and still live with us because it would occur mid-year.

    Thank you for those options. Much better responses then I thought I was going to receive. My FI said that we will have his uncle and cousin there as bodyguards.

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    Anniversary
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    melbelleup
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    bribri21 said:
    allispain said:
    The man has threatened both you and your FI. You feel unsafe when you are around him. This is one of the very few mitigating circumstances that allow for you to not invite someone's SO.

    That being said, this is also your mother's husband, which makes it a very tricky situation. I'm going to give you a couple of scenarios that might prove useful.

    A) When it gets closer to time to finalize the invite list, is privately sit your mom down and talk with her about this. You can raise your concerns in a general fashion - make it about your routine interactions with her and not about the wedding. Tell her that you are concerned about her husband and his behavior and that you do not feel safe around him because he has made threats against you in the past. Let her know that you want her in your life but you are not comfortable having him in it as well. See what she says and how she reacts. From what you've posted, she will probably be angry with you and swear that everything is fine with him. If that's the case, then you need to make a very tough decision.

    B) Invite him along with your mother to the wedding. Have someone you trust act as your "bride's guard" - this person can play interference for you and your mom's husband if he starts bothering you. It can be a family member, a friend, your DOC, etc. Basically, the idea is that if he comes up to you and starts saying things that are upsetting you, your "bride's guard" can come over with an excuse as to why you need to be somewhere else - "Hi bride! Sorry to interrupt, but the caterer has a question / the photographer needs you / your husband is looking for you." Additionally, you should instruct your band or DJ that this man should not be allowed access to the mic, so that you don't end up with any impromptu toasts.

    Good luck deciding how you want to handle this - I had to go through something similar with my father and his new wife (she wasn't making threats or anything, but my dad turned into a really mean and hurtful person when he married her and started saying lots of not so nice things to me). In the end, I invited both of them to the wedding - and they declined attending. They made their choice, but I don't see me ever inviting him back into my life at this point. Not inviting your mother's husband to your wedding might have similar consequences, which is why it's something you and your FI should discuss and decided upon together as to what is best for you in the long run emotionally, psychologically, physically, etc.

    Also - I just want to ask - if this man is threatening you, is anyone looking out for your little sister in her interactions with him? You showed some concern about it in your post, which is why I ask.
    Thankfully I have not had any interactions with him in the past month or so. I was able to audio record the conversation I did have with him and my dad's lawyer has a copy of it.

    My sister has split time with my dad and mom. Mon. and Wed. and every other Fri. Sat. and Sun. with mom. Other times with us. She does not tell us much about what goes on at mom's. There have been instances where he has hurt her emotionally (gone to school crying, threatened to take her door off her room, took away cell phone and told her he was going to the police because she found it, told her friends' parents that our dad is a wife beater, etc.). He has yelled at her friends when they are over and upset them to the point of they are no longer allowed over to see my sister if he is around. My dad has talked with his lawyer and when my sister is ready they will try to get her full time. She does not want to change schools so she wants to wait until beginning of next school year then she can continue going to the school she is at and still live with us because it would occur mid-year.

    Thank you for those options. Much better responses then I thought I was going to receive. My FI said that we will have his uncle and cousin there as bodyguards.

    image

    I agree that at first glance, taking a door off its hinges seems creepy.  However, as a former angst ridden pre-teen myself, my dad used to threaten the same thing.  It was always said immediately after I had huffed, stormed into my room, and slammed the door.  My dad was a carpenter.  I just think he had a hard time seeing his woodwork abused by me!
    NYCMercedesjendemeyer
  • He's your mother's husband, and therefore, he need to be invited as well. If you don't want to invite him, then your mother shouldn't be invited either.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    He's your mother's husband, and therefore, he need to be invited as well. If you don't want to invite him, then your mother shouldn't be invited either.
    Did you read her whole post?  Her mother's husband has threatened her and her fi and made up stories about her. She is contemplating applying for a restraining order against him because she is afraid of him. Do you think common sense trumps this particular etiquette rule? I do. 
                       
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