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The line of speaking up vs. staying quiet

Long time lurker here ...

I'm a bridesmaid in one of my best friends weddings next summer. As we've talked about her wedding there are a lot of things I know she's doing that are either dumb or bad etiquette. Some that come to mind are:

- Honeymoon fund jar at the reception
- Over inviting (Like, badly over inviting)
- Asking her bms to be in it MONTHS apart (this I'm obviously not saying anything about, but I feel bad for the girls who found out way later on)

Should I speak up or just let her have it her way? She's pretty sensitive and doesn't take criticism well. The biggest thing is the over inviting ... I'm really scared she's going to be totally screwed, but I know it's her own fault if she is. At the same time this is my friend and I obviously don't want her to get in over her head.

Would you speak up or shut up?

Re: The line of speaking up vs. staying quiet

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    If she were a close friend of mine, I'd say something.  I think part of being a good friend is speaking up, even when it's awkward, if it's in the other person's best interest.

    It'd be a cold day in hell before I allowed someone close to me to have a Honeymoon Fund jar at their reception.
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    I would speak up - not in an aggressive way, but by gently suggesting to her what might happen, especially in the case of the over-inviting.

    For example, the next time she brings up the guest list I would say something like "Just out of curiosity, what if more people end up saying 'yes' than you thought? I just wanted to bring it up, since I would hate for you to have to deal with that stressful issue only a few weeks before your wedding." Maybe she would get that it might not be a good idea, maybe she wouldn't. But I would feel better having made an effort.
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    I agree with allispain.  Use that approach and know that you might want some snacks in the car for when she runs out of food!  One of my DD's got married in the Winter and had 96% attendance at her wedding.  Another of my DD's got married in May and only had 65%.  You just can't predict how things will go.
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    Ditto @allispain. I'd -- gently -- bring it up and more in a "Hey, just as an FYI, what's your back-up plan?" kind of way.

    I'm not a whole lot of help in the RSVP percentage department, because we sent out 77 invites; we're waiting on 15 RSVPs, and right now we have a 52 percent decline rate.

    In raw numbers, we invited 152, and right now, AT MOST, we'll have 113 people at our wedding -- likely less than 100. But it's OOT for all of FI's family and friends (60 people) and in-town for the majority of my guest list (92 people), so I expected that kind of decline rate from his side.

    The honeymoon jar is hella tacky, and I'd definitely side-eye the crap out of that, but it has no immediate-term ramifications for the B/G and the guests. Over-inviting does; if you exceed fire code, people will be turned away from the venue, there won't be enough chairs for butts, there might not be enough food, etc. If B/G are budgeting for 150 people, but inviting 250 people, what happens if 200 people RSVP yes? How will they pay for food/drink/etc. for those 50 people? 

    At my venue, that difference (50 people) would cost us an extra $1,800 -- on our budget, that's substantial. I'm sure for some brides, that's a drop in the proverbial bucket. 

    Just to be clear -- even though we're now expecting 100 people, we budgeted for all 152 people to show up. Our budget was constructed based on 100 percent acceptance; now that we're having less than that, we're removing tables (which saves on centrepieces and favours, YAY!) and spreading people out more so they're not so crowded.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    I think I would leave the asking BMs alone, mostly because the damage is done.  On the over inviting, I would make it a point to try to say something.  I like the ideas the others have brought up I would also mention the horror stories of others, that as her friend you don't want her to go through that.
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    I agree with PPs, I'd gently bring up the over-inviting which could be a MAJOR logistical nightmare for her, but the damange is done with BMs. The jar I don't know, I mean it's really rude and I'd side-eye it, but it's a minor issue compared to over inviting and I'd want to feel out how well she responded to that first.
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    I'd gently bring up the over inviting as PPs have said.

    I'd probably bring up the honeymoon jar at a later date.    For example - find a thread here on TK and say, "Hey I know you were thinking of this but a lot of people really don't like these things." 
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    I wouldn't bring up the bridesmaid thing. What's done is done. I do think it gives you an idea of what kind of person your friend is--not necessarily a bad person, but someone who doesn't always think about other people's feelings.

    I would MAYBE bring up the honeymoon fund, but in an indirect way. I'm not a huge fan of lying, but maybe something like, "I stumbled across this article about honeymoon funds. It sounds like a lot of people find them really rude. I just wanted to let you know, just in case." If she goes ahead with it, then at least you said something. You can't stop her and her fiance from doing something rude.

    And it's helpful to keep in mind that the etiquette board here is to try to help people follow proper etiquette to ensure that every wedding is the best hosted event it can be. Having a honeymoon fund might not end up having much of an impact--the guests at this particular wedding might not care much, and the ones that do might not have been pleased with anything.

    But I would say something about the over-inviting, and I would be direct about it. "[Friend], do you have a back-up plan? Can you afford to pay for everyone if everyone comes? I don't think you can count on a certain percentage of people declining; I've heard about weddings with nearly 100% attendance."

    Again, you don't have magic powers, so if she goes ahead without a back-up plan and everything goes to hell, then just be a good friend. Depending on how she treats you, maybe this is a person to distance yourself from. But you, as a bridesmaid, are not responsible for making her wedding a properly hosted event, and as her friend, there's only so much you can do.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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    edited September 2013
    Thanks for the feedback guys. I wasn't going to bring up the bridesmaid thing because like you all said, what is done is done. I honestly don't think it occurred to her how hurtful it could be.

    So an update, I tried to subtly and gently talk to her about over inviting. She was complaining that her FMIL added another 20 people to the guest list and I asked her how many that put them at, and it's nearly 100 over what their venue can hold. I said that that was a lot of people banking on to not come, and she went on about the 30 percent rule. I reminded her that that is an average and plenty of people have 95 to 100 percent. Then she said FSIL invited 500 to her wedding and less than 200 showed so she wasn't concerned and it would be fine. She seemed pretty irritated so I changed the subject.

    Am I done here?
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    Yeah, probably. You did your best. All you can do is watch the fireworks as this all blows up in her face ...
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    You tried - which is good - but there really isn't much else you can do at this point. If it does end up blowing up in her face, try to be supportive (I would be SO tempted to say "I told you so" myself, but I know I would do my best to keep my lips zipped on that front).
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    Yeah, I think you're done. You did the best you could and she chose not to listen, so you can't do anything else.

    A lot of factors go into people declining; her FSIL may have had an OOT or holiday weekend wedding.

    You're a good friend for trying!
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    There's not much else you can do if she's determined to over-invite.  Maybe she'll get lucky and everything will work out.  At least you tried.
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    Yeah. I mean, maybe she will get lucky and get enough no rsvps. I hope so because they really cannot afford another venue, it was super hard for them to find this one.

    I also found out I'm going to be seated separately from my FI at the wedding .... Yayyyy #saidnooneever
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    Yeah. I mean, maybe she will get lucky and get enough no rsvps. I hope so because they really cannot afford another venue, it was super hard for them to find this one. I also found out I'm going to be seated separately from my FI at the wedding .... Yayyyy #saidnooneever
    Oh lucky you! (sarcasm).
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    Yeah. I mean, maybe she will get lucky and get enough no rsvps. I hope so because they really cannot afford another venue, it was super hard for them to find this one. I also found out I'm going to be seated separately from my FI at the wedding .... Yayyyy #saidnooneever
    Ugh. I do think that some people are different when they're planning their wedding than they are normally, but she sounds like a crappy friend. Eesh!
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2013
    Yeah. I mean, maybe she will get lucky and get enough no rsvps. I hope so because they really cannot afford another venue, it was super hard for them to find this one. I also found out I'm going to be seated separately from my FI at the wedding .... Yayyyy #saidnooneever'
    OK, I'm stuck in the damn quote box.    I probably wouldn't stay silent to a friend who said that she's planning to split me up from my SO.    If it's possible to pretend to "forget" that she already told you that, I'd work your disdain for splitting up SOs into a passive-aggressive conversation. "Wedding planning for us is going so well!   We've got the seating arrangements all set so all the wedding party will be seated with their spouses.   It's such a peeve of mine to see people who do that.   You're seating me with FI right?   Can you imagine someone who would be so rude?!"    If that wouldn't work then I'd be direct.
    I know you said that your friend is sensitive but that doesn't mean that she gets to do crappy things because she can't handle being called out on being really rude.   
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    @banana468 I know ... I'm tempted to bring this up, because I REALLY don't like that FI won't be able to sit with me. She really is a good-hearted person, but just SUPER sensitive and thinks that if something is common, it's ok. Like she already told us she's getting us jewelry as bridesmaid gifts to wear with our dresses. Obviously I wasn't going to say anything about that, but it's just like ... gah. 

    I think I'm going to just leave things alone unless something really bad comes up, but I'm not going to hide things I'm doing at my wedding and maybe she'll see things from that. She's getting married in July, I'm getting married in October (14). She is in my wedding (haven't asked yet, but I'm going to when the one year point rolls around), so I may say something like "Don't worry, you and your husband will be seated together. We're doing a king's table because we don't want SO's to feel awkward." 

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    I'd hold off a few more months even past when you were going to ask her - you never know what she could say or do approaching the wedding to make you reconsider your friendship.
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