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Friend has already invited herself to private ceremony. Twice.

We're having a private ceremony. Unfortunately before we decided to have it private, my FI talked about what he wanted to do for the ceremony (it's crazy, it involves rock climbing) with my friend and her husband. Even when we first talked about it, she said she wanted to climb and be up on the route with us. I told her it wasn't necessary and that if would just be us climbing. 

Last week, all four of us hung out. She asked how the wedding planning was going. I told her had decided to keep the ceremony private - just us, our parents and our MOH and BM (the only people in the wedding party). Again she said she wanted to be there. I think my exact reaction was, "Oh. Uhhhh" and then someone interrupted us. 

Sunday night they stopped by our house. We had just visited our reception site earlier so she asked about that. She asked again if we were planning to do the ceremony separately. I said yes and that the ceremony would be private - just us and our parents. I was really trying to convey to her that she wasn't invited without having to come out and say it. Her response was, "But I want to be there too!"

Now, this girl is a good friend. She's not one of my best friends and I'm pretty sure she doesn't consider me a best friend either. She was married last year and while I was invited, I wasn't in her very large BP. We've been friends for a long time, but shit - I'm not even inviting my very closest girlfriends to the ceremony. I know I'm going to have to discuss it with her again and I will have to be firm that she's not invited. But it sucks. Don't put me in this position, you know? 

She's also my hairdresser AND my makeup artist so I really can't piss her off :-P 

Re: Friend has already invited herself to private ceremony. Twice.

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    I am sorry you are having to deal with this.  It is rude of her to keep pushing.  The next time she says anything to you say something like "I am sorry 'Sarah' but FI and I have decided to keep the ceremony very private and intimate.  I understand that you would like to be there but we are only inviting our parents and our MOH/BM.  I hope you can understand.  BUT I can't wait to celebrate our marriage with you and all of our other amazing friends and family on 'October 5th'."

    And then leave it at that.  If she mentions it again after that ignore it.  I would also not talk with her anymore about your ceremony especially about when and where it will be taking place.

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    CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    edited September 2013
    Just tell her that you can't have anyone other than your parents, BM and MOH because otherwise other guests will be upset that they weren't invited to the ceremony.  Tell her you are keeping it truly private for that reason.  Any chance you can have someone record it so you can show her later?
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    Yup, our plan is to record the ceremony and show it at the reception the next day. 
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    "Sorry, but it's a private ceremony. Looking forward to seeing you at the reception."
    *********************************************************************************

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    Yup, our plan is to record the ceremony and show it at the reception the next day. 

    Maybe I am misunderstanding this but you are having the ceremony on one day with you and FI hanging off a cliff, parent’s siblings at the bottom, and then having reception the next day?

    I personally don't like this idea, it's like a big slap in the face to all those at the reception, "Thanks for coming and bringing us a gift, now look at a video of us getting married since we didn't want you there to see it in person..." sounds really tacky/cheesy/sleazy to me.

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    I am having this exact problem too! The difference for me is that she really is one of my close friends. We have know each other for more than 10 years, and have been through a lot together. But we wanted to have immediate family only at the ceremony. the first time she asked i just told her that we hadn't picked a date yet. But she just kept pushing and asking if she would be invited. The way she kept pushing made me feel like our friendship might hang on whether she was invited or not :(

    Ultimately I said she could come. She lives a long ways away, and we're getting married at the courthouse on a Friday, so I doubt she will actually show up. But it makes me mad that she is trying to manipulate MY wedding!
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    mimiphin said:
    Yup, our plan is to record the ceremony and show it at the reception the next day. 

    Maybe I am misunderstanding this but you are having the ceremony on one day with you and FI hanging off a cliff, parent’s siblings at the bottom, and then having reception the next day?

    I personally don't like this idea, it's like a big slap in the face to all those at the reception, "Thanks for coming and bringing us a gift, now look at a video of us getting married since we didn't want you there to see it in person..." sounds really tacky/cheesy/sleazy to me.

    Private ceremonies are sleazy? Good to know! I guess it's a good thing you're not invited to my wedding. 
    We're rock climbers and we're hanging off a cliff to get married. Unfortunately it's not possible to invite 120 people to hang off the cliff with us. 
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    mimiphin said:
    Yup, our plan is to record the ceremony and show it at the reception the next day. 

    Maybe I am misunderstanding this but you are having the ceremony on one day with you and FI hanging off a cliff, parent’s siblings at the bottom, and then having reception the next day?

    I personally don't like this idea, it's like a big slap in the face to all those at the reception, "Thanks for coming and bringing us a gift, now look at a video of us getting married since we didn't want you there to see it in person..." sounds really tacky/cheesy/sleazy to me.

    Private ceremonies are sleazy? Good to know! I guess it's a good thing you're not invited to my wedding. 
    We're rock climbers and we're hanging off a cliff to get married. Unfortunately it's not possible to invite 120 people to hang off the cliff with us. 
    It isn't the private ceremony that is tacky, it is replaying the video at the ceremony the next day that the poster was questioning.

    Most would have no problem with the private ceremony and larger reception, that is not against etiquette.  You should not, however, replay the event for those who were not invited.  That is tacky/rude. 
    photo composite_14153800476219.jpg
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    Ok, I hear what you're saying. I'll ask over on the etiquette board to get more opinions. The people that know about the private ceremony that won't be there have already asked that they be able to see video of it. 
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    Ok, I hear what you're saying. I'll ask over on the etiquette board to get more opinions. The people that know about the private ceremony that won't be there have already asked that they be able to see video of it. 
    If an individual/couple specifically ask to see it, it is okay to show it to them, but I would do it in a private setting (invite them to dinner, take it to their house the next time you are invited, etc.) I would not "force" the entire reception to view an event they were not invited to.
    photo composite_14153800476219.jpg
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    @mimiphin, I don't know where you got the idea that a private ceremony is sleazy or tacky but you are wrong.  They are perfectly well within the lines of proper etiquette.

    OP - there is nothing wrong with having your ceremony playing in the background somewhere, but I wouldn't make it something where everyone has to sit down and watch.  Your plans are fine.
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    Oh no - I definitely wouldn't force people to watch it. If I do show it, I was thinking somewhere in a corner, you know? Not on some large screen where everyone had no choice but to view it. 
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    AprilH81 said:
    mimiphin said:
    Yup, our plan is to record the ceremony and show it at the reception the next day. 

    Maybe I am misunderstanding this but you are having the ceremony on one day with you and FI hanging off a cliff, parent’s siblings at the bottom, and then having reception the next day?

    I personally don't like this idea, it's like a big slap in the face to all those at the reception, "Thanks for coming and bringing us a gift, now look at a video of us getting married since we didn't want you there to see it in person..." sounds really tacky/cheesy/sleazy to me.

    Private ceremonies are sleazy? Good to know! I guess it's a good thing you're not invited to my wedding. 
    We're rock climbers and we're hanging off a cliff to get married. Unfortunately it's not possible to invite 120 people to hang off the cliff with us. 
    It isn't the private ceremony that is tacky, it is replaying the video at the ceremony the next day that the poster was questioning.

    Most would have no problem with the private ceremony and larger reception, that is not against etiquette.  You should not, however, replay the event for those who were not invited.  That is tacky/rude. 
    Sorry I should have been more clear. A private ceremony is fine but I was just imagining having 120 people all seated wating for dinner with the bride a groom overlooking them from a head table with a giant media screen  saying " And this is when we got married that none of you came to" then pushing play, or turing it into a PPD.
    Oh no - I definitely wouldn't force people to watch it. If I do show it, I was thinking somewhere in a corner, you know? Not on some large screen where everyone had no choice but to view it. 
    Sounds good! :)

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