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Hope I dont get flamed for this....

KirstenAleciaKirstenAlecia member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
Because I feel like I'm being a little selfish even though I'm trying to be on my best bride behavior.

So we all know that it is totally innapropriate to kick out a member of the wedding party unless you are ready to end the friendship. I also understand that weddings cost the bridal party $$ and not everyone has the ability to afford the dress or tux even if they would like to.

 2 of my girls have almost dropped out due to money. So I am offering to pay for their bridesmaids dresses.

One of the 2 girls has another issue with being in my wedding though. She wants to, and I know she does, but her boyfriend has an issue with her being in my wedding.
 They were seperated for a time due to him cheating on her and generally mean to her with him strait up telling her deal with it or leave, because he was going to do what he wanted. (A real great guy... I know) Well this crazy a$$ of a guy has it in his head that she had a bit of a fling with my brother who is also in the wedding...in reality she has just known us forever...since HS.
So when they were apart, we made sure she was not alone too much and always had what she and her kids needed. I even put tires on her car to make sure she could get them around safely and look for a job. 
Being the jealous guy that he is...he is not telling her she cant do it, but he gives her crap about it. Afterall, it's ok for him to openly in her face cheat on her but when they actually broke up she couldnt date someone else (even though she didnt)

What Im afraid of happening....I pay $200 for a dress plus more for alterations and shoes and she drops anyway. Now, she said that that would not happen, that if I spent $$ she knew she would be wrong to drop out.
But, I cant help feel in my gut that if he was upset  enough with her right before the wedding she would possibly drop last minute.

So by ettiquette I cant tell her I dont want her in the wedding.....which isnt true anyway...I do want her in the wedding. But I think that if she did that to me.... I would be as upset as one would feel if kicked out of a wedding.....friendship forever changed and maybe even over. Am i completely wrong and selfish?

 I feel like Im left with taking this risk and no other good option. $$ is tight enough without throwing away another almost $300

The wedding is still 8 months out, but we picked dresses and wanted to get them before they are maybe no longer available.
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Re: Hope I dont get flamed for this....

  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    While there are a million things that COULD be said about this situation, I just do not feel that her relationship is anyone else's business (mainly because no matter how involved you are in a person's life, you only know a fraction of the real story).  She's aware of what he is like and chooses to be with him.  That's HER choice and it isn't anyone else's place to tell her otherwise.

    Tell her that you still very much want her in your wedding, are still willing to pay for the dress and alterations, and cannot wait to have her stand up with you.

    HOWEVER, if she does back out AFTER the expense has been covered, that she will have to reimburse you for the the dress and alterations because she has walked into this willingly and commited to being there. 

    In the end, she's going to do what she's going to do and, but I'd make sure she is aware that this is entirely up to her and you're giving her a polite and understanding chance to back out now if she wants/needs to.

    Good luck.
    10-10-10
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  • marissa_clairemarissa_claire member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This sounds like a time where you need to focus more on her issues than your own.  I understand that you're worried about your wedding and the financial aspect, but if her relationship sounds as bad as you're making it out to be then you need to focus on being there for her if she needs an out.   Don't just focus on the wedding part, but maybe ask her if she wants to be with someone who thinks he can run her life.  If it's that bad now it will only get worse.

    I know you want us to tell you what to do about keeping her or letting her go, but being a bride-to-be doesn't have to conincide with being a bad friend.  If you're still her friend you might need to put her before yourself and help her figure out what's going on there.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with melissamc. As far as her realationship goes, you need to stay out of that unless she asks you for guidance or support. As far as the dress situation goes, I would tell her how much you want her to be in your wedding and that once you order the dresses, there is no turning back. Explain to her you are taking every possible step esp financially that she be beside you on your wedding day and you would be very hurt and disappointed if she changed her mind after the dresses were ordered.
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  • suz62984suz62984
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You have to make a decision here... do you trust your friend or not? She said she wouldn't drop because she knows it would be wrong. Well, do you trust her or not? You are just going to have to take her for her word. I know you are worried about it ruining a friendship if she does go back on her word; however it will also hurt your friendship if you ask her to step down. It will show her that you don't trust her. Plus you are kicking her out of the wedding which is something, in itself, that ends relationships.

    Also, this will push her away from you and your brother which is exactly what her BF wants. It sounds like he is trying to alienate her from her friends anyways, so this would only help him. I would personally just trust her to do the right thing and roll with the punches.
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  • lalap69lalap69 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    At this point I feel like all you can do is order the dress and trust your friend not to screw you over.  I don't think there's anything wrong with telling her that you'll pay for her dress, but if she does back out after, that she's responsible for reimbursing you for the costs.

    I know how hard it is to watch a friend stay with a horrible guy who doesn't treat her well.  All you can do is keep being there so that when she's ready to leave, she feels she has someone to turn to.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You have already asked her to be in your wedding party and offered to pay for her dress. If your friend accepted your offer, you'll just have to trust her to follow through.

    Since you haven't ordered the dresses yet, you could find a more affordable option. Check out David's Bridal or your local department stores. Forget about the shoes. Find out if the bms already own shoes that will work with the dresses or have them choose and buy shoes that they can afford. $300 is a lot of money to spend on an outfit that they will probably only wear once.

    I hope your friend finds the courage to leave that relationship, but that is a decision only she can make. It sounds like he is trying to separate her from her support system, don't let that happen. Continue to support your friend emotionally, as you have been. That's what friends are for.
                       
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_hope-dont-flamed-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:17ffeff8-3e5f-4ace-9e61-ed0aed263366Post:a04f8c7a-4cfd-4438-be3e-2fc677cff908">Re: Hope I dont get flamed for this....</a>:
    [QUOTE]While there are a million things that COULD be said about this situation, I just do not feel that her relationship is anyone else's business (mainly because no matter how involved you are in a person's life, you only know a fraction of the real story).  She's aware of what he is like and chooses to be with him.  That's HER choice and it isn't anyone else's place to tell her otherwise. Tell her that you still very much want her in your wedding, are still willing to pay for the dress and alterations, and cannot wait to have her stand up with you. HOWEVER, if she does back out AFTER the expense has been covered, that she will have to reimburse you for the the dress and alterations because she has walked into this willingly and commited to being there.  In the end, she's going to do what she's going to do and, but I'd make sure she is aware that this is entirely up to her and you're giving her a polite and understanding chance to back out now if she wants/needs to. Good luck.
    Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

    This.
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  • KirstenAleciaKirstenAlecia member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for the great feedback.

    I promise you all that all along I have always been willing to just be there for her without trying to push her into something she is not willing to do. No matter what is going on in my life I have aways expressed that the minute she needed me...I will be there.She has been in this relationship for many years and I know she will never leave it. It is sad to see her accept this treatment, but I know that as adults we make out own decisions and that is that...and it is not my place to telll her what to do. I have always understood that.

     I guess I just needed a little advice in dealing with the wedding issue....and this seemed the best place to do it.  The only thing Im not sure I can do is tell her that if she does indeed back out after I have paid for the dress that I would like her to pay me back. That is something I know would never happen. I have to just let it be I guess. I just know I will be terribly hurt in the end if that is what happens.

     I think Im trying to do what will preserve our friendship the best. I love her and want her there with me. I never wanted to ask her to step down. It was being told to me by others :(

    Ok....everyone  confirmed what my gut feeling was so I guess I will just let it go the way its going to go....based on the decision she makes.
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