Guest Issues

Cole&Kailee · June 2012

I'm calling it intimate because it's ALL family and close friends. Not so much small, but it's small in the sense we all had to cut back, his parents, my parents and us. Not everyone could be invited.

Meegles4 · June 2012

OP, just because your MOH is hosting the pre-party doesn't mean she gets carte blanche on the guest list. Tell her you'd prefer that ONLY people invited to the wedding be invited to the pre-party and then give her the list of 10 people who are on the wedding list.

brilibby4 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:343d1ea2-a22f-46e9-8613-d6eddc3e0c05">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]1. I'm not throwing these parties...my MOH is and I'm not asking for gifts! 2. I'm being as flexible as I can with money and space, but I can't find another venue in 2 months nor come up with another 2,000 for the extra people. 3. invites were already ordered and will be sent out in 4 days. 4. I'm really a sweet girl who's stuck because I didn't know the 'ettiquete' that I had to invite every single person who comes to a party and their boyfriend/girlfriend of a week to our wedding. That's the way it's done a lot here. 5. I'm not a bridezilla--far from it, I'm just freaking out because I'm stuck. I love my crazy single college friends, but for an intimate wedding with just family and family friends just doesn't like they fit. I haven't seen most of them in years since I graduated. Should I have another hotel party or mini reception for just the friends who weren't formally invited to the wedding?
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

Stop calling this an intimate event. 150 guests is NOT intimate. If you have not sent out your invitations yet, you can easily fix this problem. Cut the guest list some and include those who are invited to the b party and who are in relationships. Anything else makes you appear gift grabby and rude. Do NOT throw a second "mini reception".

baystateapple · June 2012

Simple solution: don't invite these girls to your shower. Just don't. If they ask why (and they probably won't), just say "Because our budget is small we had to make some hard decisions." Trust me, they'd rather not be invited at all than be invited to a party but not the wedding.

Sit down. Crunch the numbers. Invite who you can afford, WITH their significant others, REGARDLESS of how long they've been dating.

baystateapple · June 2012

And I agree that 150 isn't intimate. It's a regular-size, even large, wedding.

rsanna · June 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:343d1ea2-a22f-46e9-8613-d6eddc3e0c05">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]1. I'm not throwing these parties...my MOH is and I'm not asking for gifts! 2. I'm being as flexible as I can with money and space, but I can't find another <strong>venue in 2 months nor come up with another 2,000 for the extra people</strong>. 3. invites were already ordered and will be sent out in 4 days. 4. I'm really a sweet girl who's stuck because I didn't know the 'ettiquete' that I had to invite every single person who comes to a party and their boyfriend/girlfriend of a week to our wedding. <strong>That's the way it's done a lot here. </strong>5. I'm not a bridezilla--far from it, I'm just freaking out because I'm stuck.<strong> I love my crazy single college friends, but for an intimate wedding with just family and family friends just doesn't like they fit.</strong> I haven't seen most of them in years since I graduated. Should I have another hotel party or mini reception for just the friends who weren't formally invited to the wedding?
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

Then cut back? Why do you need to feed people $25 meals? Don't use the excuse that being rude to your guests is done locally. We are from the same general region and that wouldn't fly here. Sorry.

They are your friends, so they should fit? If you haven't seen them since you graduated, why invite them at all?

Don't have another party or mini reception. You are throwing things out that are wedding related. If you want to see these friends, throw together a get together with your friends. Ask them to hang out/come to see you. It honestly isn't that hard. You don't need a wedding to see friends.
</div>
ETA: Why are my posts centering? I don't understand this.

Cole&Kailee · June 2012

Yes. exactly. I'm a troll. Seriously? I'm just looking for some honest advice. but I guess I never knew how mean the bridal community could be! WOW!

Guess I'm just a selfish, bratty, trollish bridezilla.

Just looking for some advice to solve my probelms. Never done this before, so I was modestly asking those who did what they would do in my situation. Boy, that was a mistake.

nextrightthing · June 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:343d1ea2-a22f-46e9-8613-d6eddc3e0c05">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]1. I'm not throwing these parties...my MOH is and I'm not asking for gifts! 2. I'm being as flexible as I can with money and space, but I can't find another venue in 2 months nor come up with another 2,000 for the extra people. 3. invites were already ordered and will be sent out in 4 days. 4. I'm really a sweet girl who's stuck because I didn't know the 'ettiquete' that I had to invite every single person who comes to a party and their boyfriend/girlfriend of a week to our wedding. That's the way it's done a lot here. 5. I'm not a bridezilla--far from it, I'm just freaking out because I'm stuck. I love my crazy single college friends, but for an intimate wedding with just family and family friends just doesn't like they fit. I haven't seen most of them in years since I graduated. Should I have another hotel party or mini reception for just the friends who weren't formally invited to the wedding?
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

1. If the parties haven't happened yet, tell your MOH not to invite anyone who isn't invited to the wedding.
2. If you invite anyone to the bachelorette party or the bridal shower, invite them to the wedding. If you can't invite them to both, don't invite them. It doesn't matter how it is done where you live.
3. It isn't etiquette in quotes...it really it etiquette that you have to invite BFs/GFs/spouses.
4. You can't have a mini reception for guests who weren't invited.

If you haven't sent out the invites, I am assuming they do not have the guests' names printed on them. Take off some of the guests your FMIL ordered you to invite, and invite the people who are being invited to the other events, and invite the SO's of every guest who has an SO. That is what you HAVE to do if you want to follow etiquette. If you don't want to follow etiquette, then don't, but don't try to explain how it isn't really rude.

I get that you didn't know all the etiquette, but now you do, so make some quick fixes so you don't have to look like a jerk.</div>

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:343d1ea2-a22f-46e9-8613-d6eddc3e0c05">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]1. I'm not throwing these parties...my MOH is and I'm not asking for gifts! 2. I'm being as flexible as I can with money and space, but I can't find another venue in 2 months nor come up with another 2,000 for the extra people. 3. invites were already ordered and will be sent out in 4 days. 4. I'm really a sweet girl who's stuck because I didn't know the 'ettiquete' that I had to invite every single person who comes to a party and their boyfriend/girlfriend of a week to our wedding. That's the way it's done a lot here. 5. I'm not a bridezilla--far from it, I'm just freaking out because I'm stuck. I love my crazy single college friends, but for an intimate wedding with just family and family friends just doesn't like they fit. I haven't seen most of them in years since I graduated. <strong>Should I have another hotel party or mini reception for just the friends who weren't formally invited to the wedding?
</strong>Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

No.
You need to re-evaluate your entire guest list. Invite SOs, possbily cut people, and NOT invite people to pre wedding parties who aren't invited to the wedding. It's rude. They might tell you they don't mind, but I'll bet you most of them do.

You love these friends so much, yet you haven't seen them in years? I'm so confused.

And 150 person wedding is not intimate. You said just family and friends. Well these college friends of yours are friends. You're tiering everything from receptions to pre-wedding parties and it's horribly rude.

baystateapple · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:fde43ead-5a4a-422b-a278-775147098950">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes. exactly. I'm a troll. Seriously? I'm just looking for some honest advice. but I guess I never knew how mean the bridal community could be! WOW! Guess I'm just a selfish, bratty, trollish bridezilla. Just looking for some advice to solve my probelms. Never done this before, so I was modestly asking those who did what they would do in my situation. Boy, that was a mistake.
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]
Nobody started assuming you were a troll or calling you names until you ASKED for advice and then told us many reasons why you WEREN'T going to listen to it.

What's the point in asking for advice if you're going to ignore it?

willywally5 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:343d1ea2-a22f-46e9-8613-d6eddc3e0c05">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]1. I'm not throwing these parties...my MOH is and I'm not asking for gifts! 2. I'm being as flexible as I can with money and space, but I can't find another venue in 2 months nor come up with another 2,000 for the extra people. 3. invites were already ordered and will be sent out in 4 days. 4. I'm really a sweet girl who's stuck because I didn't know the 'ettiquete' that I had to invite every single person who comes to a party and their boyfriend/girlfriend of a week to our wedding. That's the way it's done a lot here. 5. I'm not a bridezilla--far from it, I'm just freaking out because I'm stuck. I love my crazy single college friends, but for an intimate wedding with just family and family friends just doesn't like they fit. I haven't seen most of them in years since I graduated. Should I have another hotel party or mini reception for just the friends who weren't formally invited to the wedding?
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'll start at the top --</div><div>#1) Tell your MOH not to invite anyone who isn't invited to the wedding. If that ship ha sailed, you need to decline the party. No, you are not asking for gifts, but people will feel that since it is a gift giving occasion, that they should. You can't invite people to the BP or shower who are not invited to the wedding. Period. If you can't trim the list for the pre-parties to those invited to the wedding, then you need to decline (as in cancel) the party.</div><div>
</div><div>#2) You are NOT being flexible or realistic if you are $2K over and unwilling to start over on our guest list. The numbers don't work. You need to start over. </div><div>
</div><div>#3) Very nice that the invites are here. Even if they are addressed already, you can get some more envelopes and do them properly. And if you need to change venue or anything, you can get new ones printed. </div><div>
</div><div>#4) Being ignorant isn't an excuse especially since NOW YOU KNOW. You need to regroup ... and fast!</div><div>
</div><div>#5) If the college friends don't 'fit', then don't invite them. And don't do the showers and BP. </div><div>
</div><div>You do appear a bit bridezilla-ish but I will buy it that you are freaking out. BUT, you need to ACT to FIX IT. You can't just complain and say oh I didn't know and attempt to justify all your rude plans. </div><div>
</div><div>And lastly, if you don't have the money for the wedding now, how on God's green earth are you going to afford a 'mini reception' Ay yi yi.

</div>

QueerFemme · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:343d1ea2-a22f-46e9-8613-d6eddc3e0c05">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]1. <strong>I'm not throwing these parties...my MOH is and I'm not asking for gifts</strong>! 2. I'm being as flexible as I can with money and space, but I can't find another venue in 2 months nor come up with another 2,000 for the extra people. 3. invites were already ordered and will be sent out in 4 days. 4. I'm really a sweet girl who's stuck because I <strong>didn't know the 'ettiquete' that I had to invite every single person who comes to a party and their boyfriend/girlfriend of a week to our wedding.</strong> That's the way it's done a lot here. 5. I'm not a bridezilla--far from it, I'm just freaking out because I'm stuck. I love my crazy single college friends, but for an intimate wedding with just family and family friends just doesn't like they fit. I haven't seen most of them in years since I graduated. Should I have another hotel party or mini reception for just the friends who weren't formally invited to the wedding?
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

1. Call your MOH right NOW and tell her that you only want the 10 people that are included in your wedding guest list invited to the pre-wedding parties.

2. this is not about boyfriend/girlfriend of the week. If I took someone home from a bar last night, you don't have to invite him to your wedding. If I am shacking up with someone on a regular basis and I'm calling him my boyfriend. You have to invite him.

3. Your invites have not gone out yet. Either figure out a way to include the people you should have included from the beginning or cut the guest list overall and make sure that no one gets invited to a pre-wedding party that isn't on that guest list.

egm900 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:343d1ea2-a22f-46e9-8613-d6eddc3e0c05">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]1. I'm not throwing these parties...my MOH is and I'm not asking for gifts! 2. I'm being as flexible as I can with money and space, but I can't find another venue in 2 months nor come up with another 2,000 for the extra people. 3. invites were already ordered and will be sent out in 4 days. 4. I'm really a sweet girl who's stuck because I didn't know the 'ettiquete' that I had to invite every single person who comes to a party and their boyfriend/girlfriend of a week to our wedding. That's the way it's done a lot here. 5. I'm not a bridezilla--far from it, I'm just freaking out because I'm stuck. I love my crazy single college friends, but for an intimate wedding with just family and family friends just doesn't like they fit. I haven't seen most of them in years since I graduated. Should I have another hotel party or mini reception for just the friends who weren't formally invited to the wedding?
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That may be the way that it is done in your circle, but it's not the way that it is done in your part of the country. I grew up and attended college right on the Missouri-Iowa border, and I've never been invited to pre-wedding parties or a "mini reception" and not the ceremony.</div><div>
</div><div>Fortunately, you discovered the etiquette before invitations were sent. Figure out how many extra people need to be invited (SOs that weren't previously accounted for), and then look to see if there is anyone that can be cut from the guest list. I read your FMIL post, and since they are not paying, they do not get to dictate who "has" to be on the guest list. If there are people you and FI do not know, or do not particularly want to be there, cut them first so as to accommodate these other guests. Anyone that has been told about when and where the wedding is really needs to be invited, so your friends that are replying "We are so excited to come" can't be cut.</div><div>
</div><div>If you haven't seen the 30 single friends in years, I'm sure they will understand why they were not invited. Even though you're not asking anyone for gifts, every time I get a shower, bachelorette, or at home reception invitation, I automatically feel obligated to give a gift. No one is ever obligated to give a gift, but a lot of people feel obligated if they are invited to a wedding event.</div><div>
</div><div>You may have paid for invitations you won't send, but much better to do that than lose friendships IMHO.

</div>

rsanna · June 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:fde43ead-5a4a-422b-a278-775147098950">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes. exactly. I'm a troll. Seriously? I'm just looking for some honest advice. but I guess I never knew how mean the bridal community could be! WOW! Guess I'm just a selfish, bratty, trollish bridezilla. Just looking for some advice to solve my probelms. Never done this before, so I was modestly asking those who did what they would do in my situation. Boy, that was a mistake.
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

OP, we are all giving you honest and good advice. If we were in your shoes. You do have time to find a new venue or cheaping catering if you tried. There was a bride once that had about 20 additional guests get added to her list and she managed it. People are calling troll, because this stuff happens all the time where someone comes in just to stir up trouble/drama.

ETA: Seriously. I did not center you post.</div>

Meegles4 · June 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:fde43ead-5a4a-422b-a278-775147098950">Re:
Guest Issues</a>:[QUOTE]Yes. exactly. I'm a troll. Seriously? I'm just looking for some honest advice. but I guess I never knew how mean the bridal community could be! WOW! Guess I'm just a selfish, bratty, trollish bridezilla. <strong>Just looking for some advice to solve my probelms. Never done this before, so I was modestly asking those who did what they would do in my situation. Boy, that was a mistake. </strong>Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

You asked and we told you what we'd do in your situation. Many people gave suggestions. You just don't like them so now you're angry.

</div>

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:fde43ead-5a4a-422b-a278-775147098950">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes. exactly. I'm a troll. Seriously? I'm just looking for some honest advice. but I guess I never knew how mean the bridal community could be! WOW! Guess I'm just a selfish, bratty, trollish bridezilla. Just looking for some advice to solve my probelms. Never done this before, so I was modestly asking those who did what they would do in my situation. Boy, that was a mistake.
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

You see, though, people ARE giving you advice. You just don't like it.

pokepoke27 · June 2012

I didn't acutally call you a troll, just suggesting that your behavior is making you seem like one. I do apologize if you are a real person.

However, I agree with PPs that you need to get your priorities straight. You were given so much good advice (in BOTH threads) and you have chosen to ignore it and argue about why you're right.

purplebear17 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:8b2e2b19-2089-45d2-afc8-bb2d8753c8c9">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Issues : I am sure you are nice. I think you made an honest mistake, but now you need to do your best to fix it. Your MOH gives the shower, but you give her the guest list. If she hasn't mailed invites yet, anyone not invited to the wedding needs to be removed from the shower invite list. Same for the bach party. Those 10 friends that did make the cut will probably need to be removed too, because you have to make room for people's significant others. I know that sucks, but that is the way it is. I didn't get to invite my college roommates to my wedding because there was just no budget to include them.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

I agree with this completely. I hear you when you say you are a nice person, just overwhelmed, but you DO have control of the guest list for these parties. It's not right to invite people to these parties and not to the wedding - it's rude and greedy - and though the MOH is doing the planning, the guest list will reflect directly on you, not her. It's a party for you. It stinks to have a ton of friends and not enough budget, but that's part of being a grown-up - sometimes you have to make painful choices in order to be polite. I know you said you wouldn't mind, but that depends totally on the person. I know I've been invited to showers and not the wedding and my view of those people changed drastically afterwards. It makes a person feel used.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

I don't get why you can't fix the SO problem. Yes, invitations were ordered and are going out soon but they haven't gone out yet. You should be excited that you can still solve the problem and not be rude to your guests, rather than after the fact realize you screwed up, like many people do.

If you have to cut others from the guest list to accommodate SOs or just not invite either person in the couple, that is better than inviting one and not the other. You don't get to judge the seriousness of anyone's relationship.

Do not invite the extra girls to the party/shower. Even if MOH is hosting, you can tell her, "I don't want to invite these people: _____________ because they are not invited to the wedding." Done and done. No one feels honored to be invited to a pre-wedding party but not make the actual wedding guest list. Whether or not you actually want gifts, it still comes across to people as gift grabby.

Do not throw a consolation second reception either. You have been given good advice, but it seems like you honestly were just hoping for validation in what you want to do. You won't get that here.

willywally5 · June 2012

Also, if your wedding date is actually Sept. 1, you don't need to send out your invites in four days. Invites usually go out six to eight weeks in advance, which would make yours due out between July 7 & July 21. You have time to fix this!

Kate61487 · June 2012

good call WillyWally, there's still plenty of time.

OP - cut your guest list severely. Add all BF/GFs. There's a big difference between "they weren't together when we sent invitations" and "they weren't together when we ORDERED invitations". You know they are in relationships so you need to invite their SO. And if they're calling them their BF or GF they're not a 'flavor of the week'.

If your MOH's already invited people to the b-party you either need to cancel it or change it up to make it NWR. Have a night out on the town with your college friends, that's fine. Just don't call it a b-party.

Jzimmer8 · June 2012

First of all, you aren't horrible and everything is going to be fine! So you made a mistake? You didn't know! Yes it is customary to invite plusones but you didn't and it seems like you really can't. To be completely honest here, I don't think there is much you can do now and people who think you can go back and redo your entire guest list and cut important people to make room for plusones are right but it's just not doable! The best you can do is wait to see who doesn't RSVP and give the open spots to the plusones that you find appropriate. Unfortunately you have a lot of phone calls to make to your guests who think they are bringing another person. But if you explain that you just don't have the money to invite their new bf/gf they should understand. Just apologize and be as sweet and understanding as possible. If they can't get over it, maybe they shouldn't be at your wedding anyways. Like I said, you were wrong but all you can do now is try your best to fix it. Best of luck!!!

jsleik · June 2012

You're getting a lot of good advice on how to redo your guest list to include SO's. And a significant other is defined by the people in the couple, not you. You have time to rearrange the list, so get to it! I know it isn't fun and it will be hard, but you're over budget and over space, so you don't have much of a choice.

As for the college friends invited to the BP but not the wedding, just the MOH they aren't invited to the wedding so shouldn't be included in the BP. No one should have a problem with that. Trust me, I've been invited to showers and BPs where I was not invited to the wedding. It is frustrating because you put on a nice face and do it, but trust me, feels are hurt and the gifts are given very grudgingly. Don't be that bride.

As for the mini-reception after, that is just plain tacky. It tells those friends, "I do not like you enough to spend my big day with you, but I do like you just enough to put you in an awkward position of having to celebrate later, knowing you are really 2nd or 3rd tier friends." It is essentially a tiered wedding and that is rude.

But good news - you have time to fix these invitations both to the wedding and the party. It is much better to do this now than be over space and not have chairs for everyone who comes, or to go horribly in debt because you're even further over budget.

sadieboud10 · July 2012

Yes it is very tacky! My DH was invited to a bachelor party for a "friend" of his. He helped pitch in for this guy's room and paid for his drinks and meals over the weekend and we got snubbed from the wedding list. If you don't have the room for people at your wedding then you don't have room for them for the pre-wedding activities.

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