My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited

vixey · December 2010

Is Mr. Mistake a good friend of yours? I mean, if you've known him for 20+ years there is obviously a friendship that got a little too friendly once, a long time ago. It's not that you are exes that dated for a long time or anything.

I think your FI does sound controlling, especially if your family has pointed it out to you. If the "groping and ogling" wasn't even apparent to you, I think FI has some issues that you are choosing to ignore.

hcbrowne · December 2010

It would be weird if you didn't invite such a long standing family friend, especially if your families are super close--for some ppl that is the equivalent to not inviting a family member.

I think you FI is being controlling and insecure.

A one night stand doth not a relationship make.

You need to work on your trust issues, and get to the bottom of these shananigans.

SD3194 · December 2010

Why would you even tell your FI who you've hooked up with? This seems strange to me. My FI couldn't pick any of my exes out of a line up because I don't point them out or talk about them. Leave that crap in the past. "Hey Honey, see that guy over there? We used to hook up, but that was a long time ago". I don't ask my FI about his exes because I don't want to know. You're supposed to be moving forward, not backwards. I'm all about having an open relationship but you don't need to tell him every private detail of your past.

Queen Jane · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fh-hates-exfamily-friend-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9009a55-f17c-416c-a8d7-d72a2fd44e4fPost:6bf43467-580e-49a9-bcee-084564dc9ee9">Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited : I think it's ridiculous to make such sweeping generalisations. Not all of us are 'awkward' with people that we've previously slept with, and I would hope that most of us entering a marriage would be adult enough to have the skills to talk through such situations and find happy compromises that don't necessitate argument.
Posted by thesuninherhead[/QUOTE]

And I think it's ridiculous to have exes at weddings, or at least I personally feel that way for my own. Like I said in an earlier post, it is pretty circumstantial. And by awkward, I was referring to the OP's situation, that it might be a bit awkward after the whole speakerphone/email/uninviting or whatever ordeal.
I'm don't hate all my exes, some of them are great people, but I don't talk to any of them either, we've moved on.

Queen Jane · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fh-hates-exfamily-friend-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9009a55-f17c-416c-a8d7-d72a2fd44e4fPost:709d2382-3be8-4427-8ace-8af8d5879589">Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited : If you don't personally have any exes that you are close enough with to want at your wedding, then that's fine. But don't go all Judgey Mcjudgerton on all of us just because we've managed to handle our lives with maturity and grace and made good enough choices with previous partners to continue wanting them around in our lives platonically.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I'm not judging, just explaining my view. Not everyone wishes to continue a platonic relationship, I don't see that decision as immature.

Beachy730 · December 2010

I think it completely depends on the relationships and how they ended. I'm not friends with any exes that I was serious with since none of the break ups were mutual and none ended well. But if it is a mutual break up, or one that didn't end for bad reasons, then I think its perfectly fine to stay friends and have them at your wedding.

None of my exes lived in the same city or were people that I would bump into ever so I didn't see a point in trying to maintain a friendship. H has a few crazy cvnts in his past, one he stole all of his stuff while he was deployed, and another who tried to break us up and create ridiculous drama, so he doesn't talk to either of them. But he has a few others that he is friendly with if he sees them. But none that were close enough to be invited to the wedding.

Not everyone sees their exes as only an ex, so if there is a good friendship there among both parties then I think it's perfectly fine to invite them.

Queen Jane · December 2010

"And I think it's ridiculous to have exes at weddings, or at least I personally feel that way for my own." Sorry, copy paste was easiest to do on my phone. I was responding to someone who thought i was making a generalization. I realize I did say "general you" earlier, but that was only to make sure it wasn't directed right at the OP, and that is why I said what I did in the quotation above, which I didn't feel came off judgmental how I worded it. I apologize is it seemed that way or became misconstrued.

SD3194 · December 2010

I have one ex coming to my wedding but we've been friends for awhile. Not sure if FI knows that I invited an ex but he's adult enough not to get jealous or weird about the situation. I'm not going to ask him permission or make a big deal out of it. OP, sounds like you have started more drama than it's worth. When I was younger I would purposely try to make my boyfriends jealous just to get a rise out of them. It's immature and kindof sounds like what you may have done. Don't fuel the fire.

Beachy730 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fh-hates-exfamily-friend-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9009a55-f17c-416c-a8d7-d72a2fd44e4fPost:dc5d3cda-481e-48f9-82f2-f0e4e4865755">Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited</a>:
[QUOTE]I have one ex coming to my wedding but we've been friends for awhile. Not sure if FI knows that I invited an ex but he's adult enough not to get jealous or weird about the situation. I'm not going to ask him permission or make a big deal out of it. OP, sounds like you have started more drama than it's worth. When I was younger I would purposely try to make my boyfriends jealous just to get a rise out of them. It's immature and kindof sounds like what you may have done. Don't fuel the fire.
Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

I understand you said that you have never talked about exes, but it kinda just sounds to me like you are lying by omission about who they are. That's great if you two have an open and honest relationship, but don't you talk about who is on your guest list? If he has never met the person doesn't he ask who it is? And if you just say a friend and leave out the part about him being an ex that's not being truthful. Maybe I'm reading into it wrong, but just how you said you have an ex on the list and you aren't telling FI strikes me as a wrong.

Queen Jane · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fh-hates-exfamily-friend-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9009a55-f17c-416c-a8d7-d72a2fd44e4fPost:775a133f-e4f4-4f02-8b69-4c5e1624b7c8">Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited</a>:
[QUOTE]That was actually the part that I was referring to as judgemental. I was actually well-aware of who you were responding to when you posted. Just because you were responding to a previous post made by one poster does not mean that others can't become incensed by the judgemental nonsense you are spewing ath that particular individual. And for the record, generalizations are not like double negatives. One does not cancel out the other. So saying "and I think it's ridiculous for people to..." does not actually rebutt anything Sun said, it just proves her right that you are judging others and their relationships and situations based on your limited perspective. Hence, the comment about your generalizing.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Actually, I was (like I've said) just explaining my view to the poster who stated it was ridiculous. I wasn't trying to negate anything. My wording came off the wrong way. If that bothered you then you are entitled to that.

A lot of these posts could be seen as generalized or judgmental from a certain angle, but I think we can all put on our big girl panties and agree that we disagree with maturity and without name-calling. Our opinions are different, so what?

SD3194 · December 2010

dnb- I haven't really thought about it in depth. We haven't actually sat down and gone over the guest list together. He travels for his job so I haven't seen him since we were engaged in early November. If he asks me who it is I'll probably let him know that he's an ex but if he doesn't I don't think it's necessary to bring it up. He's really laid back so I can't imagine him getting bent out of shape about it. He trusts my judgement and knows I wouldn't invite someone fishy to our wedding. I dunno, I guess I could bring it up to him regardless, just haven't really put much thought into it.

LD1970 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fh-hates-exfamily-friend-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9009a55-f17c-416c-a8d7-d72a2fd44e4fPost:978e7722-02d4-4795-b88d-8ee8f7233d5f">Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited : This. I think your FI has every reason to be upset. IMO it is in poor taste to be inviting anyone you (general you) have been intimate with to your wedding. It's just breeding grounds for arguments such as this. I hope that the ex sees how awkward this could get and decides not to come.
Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]
That's silly.<div>
</div><div>My guest list: 3 exes with whom I'm still friends.</div><div>His guest list: An ex to whom he once proposed. And she's a reader too.</div>

thesuninherhead · December 2010

<p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fh-hates-exfamily-friend-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9009a55-f17c-416c-a8d7-d72a2fd44e4fPost:c727d116-2c0b-4652-b3f6-ccfe06dab5d5">Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited</a>:</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>[QUOTE] <strong>IMO it is in poor taste to be inviting anyone you (general you) have been intimate with to your wedding.</strong><strong> It's just breeding grounds for arguments such as this. </strong>
Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]</p>
<p> </p>[QUOTE] A lot of these posts could be seen as generalized or judgmental from a certain angle
<p>Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>So, uhh... there was another angle to your post? Forgive me if I was jumping to conclusions, but I don't see how what you wrote (as bolded above) could be interpreted as anything <em>other </em>than a judgemental generalisation...</p><p> </p><p>If you feel that it's in poor taste for everyone (as you implied by specifying 'general you') to invite an ex to their wedding, that's fine- you will have some bemused and offended people responding to your ignorance, but that's your opinion. There's little point in backpedalling and attempting to act as though you were meaning something more personal- applying to your situation alone- when your choice in words very clearly indicated the opposite. </p>

Queen Jane · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fh-hates-exfamily-friend-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9009a55-f17c-416c-a8d7-d72a2fd44e4fPost:a0cf1c2a-645e-430b-98eb-6a010ef89320">Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited : Well, my opinion is that you are fine for not wanting YOUR exes at YOUR reception. Your opinion is that I am disrespectful to my husband because I did. So, no I'm sorry but agreeing to disagree that your opinion of MY (or any other poster's) marriage based on an arbitrary fact that is colored by your personal experience alone is valid in any shape form or fashion isn't an option for me. And I like my Wonder Woman underoos dammit.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

No, that's not my opinion, I never said any of those things. I understand the way my statement came off after I posted, bit it was not intended that way, which I have been trying to explain to both you and Sun.

I always preferred Shera Princess of Power, personally. Not that there's anything wring with wonder woman.

Birdie1483 · December 2010

I will have at least one "ex" at my wedding, if not two or three. I'm not friends with all of my ex's, but some I was friends with before we dated/whatever and we remained friends afterwards.

I think it's crap when people say you can't be friends with ex's and women can't be friends with guys after they're married. That just screams of an insecure and unhealthy relationship.

Queen Jane · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fh-hates-exfamily-friend-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9009a55-f17c-416c-a8d7-d72a2fd44e4fPost:0bc39873-6385-42e6-bfb3-2f9b5b6ed1cd">Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited : So, uhh... there was another angle to your post? Forgive me if I was jumping to conclusions, but I don't see how what you wrote (as bolded above) could be interpreted as anything other than a judgemental generalisation... If you feel that it's in poor taste for everyone (as you implied by specifying 'general you') to invite an ex to their wedding, that's fine- you will have some bemused and offended people responding to your ignorance, but that's your opinion. There's little point in backpedalling and attempting to act as though you were meaning something more personal- applying to your situation alone- when your choice in words very clearly indicated the opposite.
Posted by thesuninherhead[/QUOTE]

You're right, what I should have said was "I would not choose to invite an ex..." so on and so forth. Honestly, with the "general you" I was trying to not direct it right at the OP and hadn't thought it through enough to see how it would be taken by others. I'm not trying to backpedal, just clarify. If I felt that strongly about it I wouldn't care what anyone thought and I would be defending not inviting exes to weddings rather than a poor phrasing of words.

cm42878 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fh-hates-exfamily-friend-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c9009a55-f17c-416c-a8d7-d72a2fd44e4fPost:f7e3b025-7b1f-4fd7-901e-caf846176ea2">Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited : I encourage you to pretend someone else wrote this and re-read it to see how it sounds to you. You had Thanksgiving with a family friend you happen to have hooked up with once. No one noticed anything strange except your FI who insists that it did - not believing you - and then turns the accusations back on you. Your FI doesn't like you talking to any ex without his supervision. Does that sound like something you would like to see in a friend's relationship? He's got baggage, and it's not going to magically go away when you get married. Best case scenario, he's just hurt still from being cheated on, and some conversations will fix it. Worst case, this is a deeper problem where he's seriously controlling. I'm not saying it's a worst case situation, I don't know you or your FI, but I am saying that his behavior isn't normal or acceptable, and I really hope you will be proactive about making it stop.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

"Well, this changes things. I agree with your mom - at the very least, he's controlling, and that's not going to change later in your relationship. Perhaps you need to take a step back and actually listen to what your mother has to say.
Posted by tidetravel"

<strong>Yep these things!! I think both emily and tide have made good points and offered great advice and you should consider taking it!!</strong>

My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited

Re: My FH hates that my ex/family friend is invited

Choose Another Board

Search Boards