Rant/Vent/Cry (long)

efred520 · March 2011

I am getting married in August. I have one older brother and FI has three brothers, a sister, and a brother in law. All of his family members are involved in the wedding. FI wasn’t totally on board with having my brother as a groomsman because they aren’t very close and don’t hang out, really ever. I explained to FI that it would be a nice gesture of family to have my brother in the wedding, and gave him time to think it over/come to a decision on his own, thinking that I figured knowing it was important to me would push him to have my brother in the wedding---but it is his wedding too and I wanted to have him decide to include my brother, rather than me forcing him to include my brother.

FI has been planning to go to Vegas for a joint bachelor party (his brother is getting married this summer too). It was a small group going, but mutual friends of both him and his brother. I wanted to plan something awesome for myself while he’s gone, so when I found out that Phish was coming to town that same weekend, I asked my brother if I could tag along with him and his friends, and I mentioned that FI would be out of town for his bachelor party.

Apparently this stuck with my brother because he happened to mention to my mom that if he knew about the bachelor party, he would have considered going or at least given FI a few hundred bucks to have a few drinks on him. I am wondering if he is feeling snubbed/left out by me and FI because he wasn’t invited to the bachelor party and we haven’t asked whether he would want to be in the wedding. My mom is the one who passed this news on to me, and when she did I felt as though she was bringing it to me in an accusatory way. Basically saying “I told you so” about the whole thing, when we have had multiple conversations about how I would find a place for him in our wedding if FI didn’t invite him to be a groomsman.

This is all really upsetting to me because I feel like I have been trying to consider everyone’s feelings in all of my wedding plans. I feel like I am letting people down and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. FI ultimately decided last night that he was being foolish to have not asked him to be in the wedding, and would call and ask him as soon as he could. I am wondering if it is almost too late to even extend this olive branch and if he is going to feel like an after thought? Obviously I would rather include him than not.

Anyone have a similar (strange) situation? Am I considering other people TOO much or is this normal? Thanks for reading my rant!

nicole8586 · March 2011

Since he is your brother he can always stand on your side.

miguelhilary2010 · March 2011

If you want your brother to be part of your wedding, YOU could have included him. Make him a brides-man or something. You don't have to strongly encourage your FI to do it. And I totally understand your FI not inviting your brother to his bach party if they aren't really friends. It would probably make it uncomfortable for him and his friends. Your brother can always be the bigger man and still send a bottle of liquor or $ for drinks on him.

Your mom shouldn't be getting involved, but I'm sure you already know that. If you're all adults, you can all act like adults and communicate with each other.

happywithhim715 · March 2011

IMHO, your FI should have him on his side of the BP. I had my DH's two sisters and two nieces on my side... They are family now too, so I never thought twice to ask them. I have no brothers or close guy cousins that I would want my DH to add to his side but I know he would of. As for the bachelor party, I could see why your FI wouldn't ask your brother especially if it's a joint party with other people, more people your brother wouldn't know. I think the "drinks" from your brother would be a nice gesture from your brother...

Honestly in wedding planning there are MANY opinions and feelings. Sometimes people's feelings get hurt but you will NEVER be able to make everyone agree 100% and in the end it all works out.

jelybeancg · March 2011

I am assuming the rest of the bridal party has already been asked? And your brother knows this? I do not think you are considering your brothers feelings TOO much. You have seriously offended him. Unless there was a good reason to not include him from the very beginning.

I will be having FSIL as a bridesmaid. We are not especially close but always get along during family functions. FI did not ask me to make her a bridesmaid I always knew I would include her as she will be family. She is 12 years older than myself (mostly why we are not terribly close) and would probably not come to the bachelorette party. She would be welcome as she will be my family but would most likely on her own realize it might be uncomfortable being the oldest one there.

Sorry if this sounds mean but as 1 of 2 children in the family (it is not like you have several brothers and it would make the bridal party too large) I would be devastated not to be included in the wedding party of my sibling, especially if there was no previous feuds or anything.

CaitC21 · March 2011

I'm with Bean and Hil here.

My FI would not have dreamed of not including my brother.
Ever.

And while I am not close with his sisters like he is with my brother. They are family. They will be included.

If you wanted him included it should have been done.
Your brother is hurt, and I totally understand why.

efred520 · March 2011

I never intended to not include my brother in my wedding. I have been saying all along that if FI chose to not have him as a groomsman (he is weird about his groomsman and I have no idea why) that I would find a place for him elsewhere---he would make a toast, do a reading, SOMETHING. He is family and he will be a part of the day somehow. Now, my brother doesn't know about the behind the scenes discussions I have had with my mom or FI---so I can understand that he feels left out. He really doesn't know who the groomsmen are or who else is in the wedding party---we never talked about it.

I think what upsets me most is that my mom brought this to me as if it's something I'm doing wrong---and yet I feel like all along I have been trying to consider everyone's feelings so no one feels forced to do something or left out of the wedding. And yet, both of those things are happening. I dunno

agilanyi · March 2011

I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but I think it's inconsiderate of your FI to not have your bro stand on his side. Especially when all of his siblings (and his other BIL!) are in the wedding. Close to him or not, your wedding is a joining of two families - and your FI should include your brother if you so desire.

I can speak from experience when I say that I was offended when my brother let his wife exclude my little sister and I from their wedding party (both sides). My siblings and I are very close, that's why I say my brother "let" her exclude us. My mom had to beg to even let us do a reading! By the time my bro's wife agreed to it, the damage had already been done, and the feelings had already been hurt.

I know a wedding is one-day deal, but it would have meant the world for my sister and I to be up there with our brother on his big day. And even more to my parents and grandparents.

And before someone asks, I am excluding my SIL from my BP. I just couldn't force myself be the bigger person here. But I did ask my mom to include her in Shower planning (if she wanted to be) and I asked her to join us on the wedding day for hair and make up.

ButtonsPepper · March 2011

I disagree with some. There is NO WAY my brother would have stood on my side, NO WAY. DH was closer to my one brother more then my other, and asked him. After a few weeks, He asked my other brother too, because it's a blend of families coming together. If your brother is close to you and you want him a part of the BP, I see no problem having your FI have him stand on his side.

Since he's your brother I'd explain it to him like I did mine. We've always been close, we'd really like you a part of the wedding. Will you be a GM? Having both of you ask him seems more like it's both of your decision rather then just FI's, and lets your brother know it's important to you.

Amerbutt81 · March 2011

I don't think it's your FIs responsibility to have your brother in the wedding party if he doesn't want to. I have three brothers and two SIL and none of them were in the wedding. Let him have who HE wants.

And it is most certainly NONE of your mother's business who your fiance has in his wedding party. This is not her wedding. Tell her to butt out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to give Hilary her blunt hat back.

LadyJ10 · March 2011

Efred, this sounds like a difficult situation, but I totally understand where your brother is coming from. The concept of bachelor party does kind of imply that the bridal party has been selected, and now it feels like he's left out.

May I ask why you won't consider having him stand with you on your side of the bridal party?

spanglerwedding2012 · March 2011

Okay, first of all - you sound like me when I over-think and try to people please. This will get you NOWHERE. So take a deep breath, ignore everyone else, and come up with a solution that will ease your worries.

This is a decision between you and your FH. I personally think it is a kind gesture to include the other's siblings in your wedding party. But with that said, there is NOTHING wrong with choosing friends-only in your wedding party. There is no right or wrong - it's what YOU want for your wedding.

It seems your FH is focusing on his friends, which is fine, but you are wishing he would include your brother and are feeling guilty that he is left out. Since he hasn't been selected as a groomsmen, what about having him as an usher in your wedding? That is what my FH is doing for some of his friends. They will still be included in dress-rehearsal and highlights of the day - just not as groomsmen. I think this would be a nice compromise.

Throw some ideas at your fiance. Since your bro wasn't invited to the bach. party - maybe you could set something up for you, FH, and your bro. Just explain to him, "We realize we haven't been the best at keeping everyone in the loop with plans, but you mean so much to us and we really want to include you in our day." Get together, share your ideas, and give him a job in your wedding... He could be an usher, be in charge of greeting guests, do a reading, anything. A great way to include him more in your day without the "groomsman" title.

efred520 · March 2011

Thanks all. I completely agree that I over-think and try to please everyone. That's exactly what I was trying to do and I think I took it a little too far. I do want my brother to be a part of things, and I want him to be comfortable with whatever role he plays.

I don't think we've crossed the point of no return in involving him, so we can still talk with him and let him know that we want him to be involved.

I think I probably let my mom's opinion of things dictate my thoughts/feelings too, but that's probably a Dr. Phil episode for another day....

Thanks again for everyone's input!!!

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