Wedding Etiquette Forum

Invite Issue with an "uncle," and aunt.

Here's the thing: My aunt (mom's sister) and her husband have had a rocky relationship for as long as I can remember. Long story short, they're both fairly selfish and manipulative. I'll keep this brief and we'll just say that despite other issues, when I was 17 my mother's mother died and all the family was in town for the funeral. I woke up the day before the service to my "uncle," groping me. My mother and I confronted my aunt who immediately made excuses for this man, denying that he intended anything innapropriate. Years went by and they separated, but wouldn't divorce for monetary and religious reasons. Now she's telling the family that they're "back together." He has not been invited to any family functions since then (11 years) excluding my cousin's wedding (to which he was invited as a formality but did not attend). I do not want to invite him to our wedding. I want my aunt there, but my mother says she'll throw a fit if he's not included. I feel firmly that I'm doing the right thing, but honestly, I don't even know how my cousin invited him, when she (and our whole family) know what he did to me.  After having many "discussions," with my mother, insisting that I'll explain and handle my aunt, now I'm concerned that I am making a mistake in not inviting him. My fiancee doesn't want him there either, because he makes me so nervous and uncomfortable. How can I explain things any more clearly to my mother, my aunt, and my family that I don't want this man present?

Re: Invite Issue with an "uncle," and aunt.

  • edited January 2012
    You never, ever, ever have to invite someone who has sexually abused you. Period. Eta: Tell anyone who disagrees with your not inviting him that you have your reasons, the decision is final, and to leave it at that.
  • Okay, normally I'm all "social units must be invited together," but this man sexually abused you, so I'm going to say you don't need to invite him.  And what's the worst that happens if your aunt flips out when you tell her "Aunt Jane, whether you want to believe it or not, Uncle Harry sexually abused me when I was 17, and I will not be inviting him to the wedding?"  She refuses to come to your wedding?  She's the woman who made excuses and covered for someone who abused you.... I'm going to say it's no great loss to you if she decides not to come to your wedding over this.
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  • Let her throw a fit. All you need to say is "I will not invite someone who sexually abused me." Repeat as necessary. That's really all there is to it. It always bothers me when families try to gloss over situations like this - I am so sorry you aren't getting more support. 
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  • I am so sorry that happened to you.  You are absolutely correct that this "man" need not be invited to you and your FI's celebration. 

    LucyHC i2i, I don't understand sticking up for them, either.
  • This is one of the very rare occasions where social units do  not need to be invited together.

    your aunt is a fuucking moron if she expects you to invite a man who sexually molsted you as a minor to your wedding.  

    Your mother is completely wrong here.

    Have you spoken to her about the fact that she seems to now be taking the side of this pedophile and the woman who enabled his behaviour?

  • Agreed! Do not invite this man and do NOT feel guilty about not inviting him.

    Furthermore, you actually do not need to explain this any further to your mother. As a Mom myself, it's actually horrifying to read that your mother would even SUGGEST you invite this animal to your wedding. All you need to say is, "He's off the list".

    Let your aunt freak out. Who CARES? Let your Mom deal with it. As much as you can, remind yourself over and over again that this family drama is not your problem.

    I'm glad to hear you have a supportive fiance who has your back! Lean on him when you need to!
  • Does your mom expect you to invite him to pacify her sister?  You absolutely need to stick to your guns on this.  What he did was as wrong as you can get and you do not need to let him into your world.

    So what if your aunt throws a fit?  These things should never be swept under the rug.  If she chooses to "get back together" with a pedophile then she needs to learn that being left out of family functions is the consequence to that decision.
  • edited January 2012
    Ladies,

    Thank you so much for your support. I can't believe I was starting to lose my focus and consider doing something that I know would be the wrong decision. 

    He is absolutely not invited.

    It's amazing how families think that by sweeping things under the rug that they can avoid fall-out or facing the fact that ignoring something doesn't change that it happened.

    I really appreciate the support you all are giving. Hopefully my mother will come around. 

    I mentioned to my mom that she was acting as though nothing had happened by insisting that I invite both of them; thereby removing the support she had given me when the incident happened.

    She says she'll "respect my decision," but I am sick of explaining that my feelings are strong on the subject and tired of her bringing it up thinking I'll "change my mind," because he simply "won't come anyway." 

    What matters is that he's NOT coming and he's not invited. I just told my mom that if my aunt brings him to the wedding anyway, my cousins on my dad's side (who I consider my brothers) as well as our best man, will eject him from the premises as quietly as possible.

    Sigh.... Thank you again for all your support. It's probably silly for me to post this, but I needed the reality check. Seriously. THANK YOU!









  • It wasn't silly at all - sometimes families can act so crazy, it can be hard to hang onto the fact that you're the sane one.

    As for your mom, you don't owe her an explanation - at this point, any time she brings it up, I'd just say something like "Mom, this isn't open for discussion." and then change the subject.
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  • You women ROCK MY SOCKS! 

    It is such a relief! I'm crying right now. It feels really good to hear all of this. 

    I'll definitely use the "Mom, this isn't up for discussion," and keep that on repeat if I need to! 

    Thank you again for the help with boundaries and for being AMAZING. 
  • "Mom, I will NOT invite the man who molested me. I don't know how to make this any clearer." She is not respecting your decision by constantly bringing it up, and it's time for you to get blunt with her.

    I am so sorry you have to deal with this, OP. This makes me even more grateful that my venue provides a security detail and I can provide names and faces of people who are absolutely not allowed. Lots of e-hugs and support for you.
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  • I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this!

    It breaks my heart that when things like this happen to children (or adults), that other people in the family don't always believe them or do anything about it.  I know its your Aunt's husband, and people never want to believe that their husbands are pedophiles or something, but kids don't go around making this kind of stuff up!

    Definitely don't invite him, don't worry about your Aunt, and have a great wedding!

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  • If I ever feel doubtful, I'll come right back and read it. Thank you all so much. I'm so, so, SO glad I put this out here. It's so nice to get "normal," responses to this whole thing. I'm really, truly thankful. 

    <3 and Hugs to you all!
  • Bravo, OP.

    So glad you are standing up for yourself and putting your needs ahead of the needs of a pedophile.

  • It's insane the excuses/denials that people make for people who sexual abuse others.

    I'm so sorry that happened. Don't invite him.
    June 16, 2012
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  • I'm so sorry that happened to you. Under no circumstances are you required to invite him and anyone who questions it can suck it.
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  • I just want to give you a hug. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Sometimes you need a perspective from the outside. Family can blur the lines a little. If my sister continued to stay married to a man who molested my child, I wouldn't even speak to my sister anymore, let alone be concerned that her feelings are hurt that her disgusting excuse for a husband was left off the invitation to the wedding of one of his victims.
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  • I am so sorry this happened to you. 

    I am dealing with a much similar experience to your own.  You can do it.  In my case it has caused a family rift, my aunt is no longer speaking to my family and my cousin dropped out of my wedding party.   It sucks, I hate it and sometimes I wish that I had never said anything but I know in the end it will be so worth it to not have to be reminded of that terrible experience as a child. 

    I will pray that your mom starts supporting you and that you will be able to have peace with this.  *hugs*
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • SnippylynnSnippylynn member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-issue-uncle-aunt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f7cf2097-5219-4747-b043-52ea1b445cb3Post:8ed7863d-6904-44e6-a577-95cc198d3ff9">Re: Invite Issue with an "uncle," and aunt.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Don't invite EITHER of them.....the effing pervert POS who molested you, OR his enabling wife. DNA is not a license to abuse, or an obligation to endure it. Cut ties with both of them.  Period.  Do you want them around YOUR children down the road, if you have any? Tell your mom you are not committing an etiquette breach. They already did that years ago.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
    I WAS THINKING THIS EXACT THING!!

    I would never, in a million years, have anything to do with either of them. No sir, no how.

    However, I can understand if this is not the line you want to draw for your wedding. Lot's of drama occuring anyway!

    Good luck.
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