Dealing with MOB who disapproves

Re: Dealing with MOB who disapproves

• Muffin'sMom

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  Plan the day you and your FI want.  If your family can't get behind that then smile sweetly and tell them you will miss them.

  My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!

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• redheadtmk member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  i used to try to make everyone happy, and like you i was unhappy. most of the time. for me, moving to the other side of the country gave me the distance i needed to find my independence. trying to find independence when you live near is very hard. but you need to do just that. you are an adult now about to start your own family. do what you and your fiance think is best for you. you cant change your family, you can only change the way you deal with them.  like PP said just smile and say i am sorry you can make it if they decide not to come.
  

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• TheDuckis member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  You say your family hasn't made an effort to get to know your FI, but has he made an effort with them? People usually don't just hate someone for no reason.
  
  And is that your FI's full name in your SN? If so, change it.
  

  
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• LnR70707 member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  You spelled dinner incorrectly twice in your proposal story.  Maybe your family thinks you need a better education before getting married.  I sure do.

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• Butter Cookie member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dealing-mob-disapproves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7c2c05cf-9763-445e-9d8e-f10063df2653Post:e768d40b-5b61-410b-9f66-363d9fef8cdb">Dealing with MOB who disapproves</a>:
  [QUOTE]My mother is totally killing wedding planning for me. She has never taken the time or made an effort to get to know my FI. Everytime I try to even talk to her about wedding planning or my FI in general she lectures me and tries to convince me I'm making a huge mistake marrying him.  Jay and I have been togther three years and lived together for two years. <strong>I know that he is the man I am meant to be with.</strong> I want my mom to be a part of our wedding and our life but I feel like she's forcing me to choose and I end up pushing her away and distancing myself from her and the rest of the family.  She tells me how "the whole family hates him" but non of them really know them. His family has taken a huge effort to get to know me and I am closer to them than I am to my own family.  I am struggling to decide what to do and I feel like my mom is holding up my wedding.  My FI and I have talked about several ideas and I keep avoiding giving him a decision on what I want because I keep hoping things with my mom will change.  Like should we have a big wedding knowing that my family doesn't support it and that it will be uncomfortable. Because of course l would love for my family to be there and my father to give me away.  Or should we just elope and do something special for the two of us.  We are paying for everything ourselves so we can either have the big wedding or we can have the big honeymoon.....I am so worn out trying to please everyone.
  Posted by MrsJayBradley[/QUOTE]
  
  Can we talk about this statement?
  
  Maybe it's just me, maybe it's just worded strange, or maybe you aren't sharing the whole story?
  
  I don't know why but I get this nagging feeling you have a "I can fix him" thing going on, like he's "broken" or "damaged" or something.
  
  Why wouldn't you say, "This is the man I want to marry"
  
  I don't know the statement just gives me the creeps.
  
  Couple that with the fact that nobody in your family likes him and I really think you might want to step back and look at what they're saying objectively.
  
  Listen to their concerns, take your feelings for the guy out of it, and think about what they're saying.

  

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• MrsJayBradley member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  Thanks for the advice....
  
  Well, yes, I did leave a lot out. It's a very long story and I tried to just hit on all the most important things. 
  1. Yes, my FI has tried to get to know my family.  My mom won't even try to let him in. The rest of my family has never said anything out of the way to me about him. They all act supportive. It is my mom who says that they all "can't stand him."  He is very open-minded.  My mother is very judgmental and close-minded. She judges him without knowing him....she says that he is "trash" because his family doesn't come from money. He is in his last year for his degree, so I don't see how his families finances can predict our future together.  He was in the military and in Iraq for four and a half years, I respect him for that....she says that he will be violent because he has a military past.  My mom's first husband was in a motorcycle gang and he abused her. So, the simple fact that my FI has a motorcycle automatically makes him just like her ex in her mind. If she would give him a chance she would see that he is a wonderful person and he makes me happy.  Keep in mind this is still a very short version. 
  
  2. No, I don't think he needs "fixing," I didn't intend for it to sound that way.

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• Sara_18

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  If you are being honest with yourself that your FI is a good guy - then it could just be that your mom is bringing too much of her own baggage to the party. It sounds like she has quite the past and she might need some help learning to separate her past from your future. 

  
  

  Just be very careful. She might be seeing warning signs that she recognizes from her own life. Talk to a trusted friend, someone who you know will tell you the truth even if it hurts and ask their opinion about your FI. 

  
  

  Then decide what you want to do - be with your FI or please your mom. Only you can know which is the best one to choose. 

  
  
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• MrsJayBradley member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  Well, it's not a question of who I choose because I have already chosen my FI. the question is just about if I should try to have a big wedding and risk my mom causing a scene if she comes or not coming at all.....or the alternative of eloping and spending the money on things that we want for our future like a house and such. I was just filling in the gaps in the story for those of you who were asking if he had tried to form a relationship with my mom.

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