Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

In-Laws Object to Female Officiant

I am not religious and I was not picky about who would be performing the ceremony at my Spring 2010 wedding so I agreed to let my parents ask their pastor. (My parents are paying for the entire wedding.) I've just told my fiance the pastor from their church is available to perform our wedding ceremony. After finding out the pastor is a woman, my fiance said his parents would not approve of a female officiant. He also said he would prefer a man to do the ceremony.While I really don't care who does the ceremony, I am very liberal and believe in equal rights so this kind of got on my nerves. I understand that some religions believe that only men should lead a service, but at what point does it become blatant sexism? However, I am not hell-bent on having this particular female pastor. Should I humor them and consider trying to find a male pastor? Can I tell a pastor "nevermind" because she's female?

Re: In-Laws Object to Female Officiant

  • Who's getting married-you or your in-laws?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Well it is Fi's wedding as much as yours so if he wants a male pastor then he shoudl find one for the two of you and have that guy do teh ceremoney but his choice he finds the replacement
  • If your FI also has an issue with this (which it sounds like he does) and you truly are as liberal as your post makes you sound, I think you may need to have a talk with him.This.  I'm admittedly pretty liberal about this stuff, but I don't think I could marry a man that would have an issue with a woman doing a job traditionally performed by a man.  I would not humor him.  I would hash it out and figure out whether he 1) was really just backing down to his parents, or 2) had some underlying sexist beliefs that we needed to work out.
  • I'm a very liberal feminist, and FI is also, but his family is all from rural Portugal, and they're Catholic and fairly old-school when it comes to gender roles (much more so than FI). When I made mention of one of the female preists at my church (Episcopal/Lutheran) they all looked at me like that just blew their minds. So I made sure to get one of the male priests to do the ceremony. I think it's silly, but it's a cultural thing for them. As long as FI and I are on the same page about gender roles and feminism for our marriage (we are), I didn't want to rock the "female ordination" boat on our wedding day. If you do want to have a male pastor, you can explain, tactfully, that even if you believe in equal rights and have no problem, that it goes against your FI's family's beliefs/culture. People are usually fairly respectful if you put it under the umbrella of beliefs and culture rather than just saying their sexist (even if they are).
  • its your wedding.your parents are paying for it.your future inlaws can go somewhere.
  • It's your wedding, you and Fi need to agree on this and since your parents are contributing and his are not... they dont get a say in it. If they want to pay for this and go through the trouble of finding someone that BOTH you and Fi can agree on and LIKE then so be it but otherwise they can go fly a kite!
  • Stop the presses!  Does your FH believe in the equality of men and women?  This might be a good time to find out. :) (If you believe in such yourself).  I think that I would sit down with my FH and find out why he's against a woman officiating.  That would be the first order of business.  Forget his parents, forget your parents, this is about you and him right now, it seems to me. If you're as liberal as you say, you might want to find out if your future hubby has some other ideas about how your marriage will be conducted, and what role gender will play.Sometime, things happen for a reason.  This might be one of those times.  I urge you to figure out why your FH does not want a woman presiding.For example, I'm a feminist.  I believe in the equality of men and women.  I would like a woman officiant. Hubby understands and he also understands that when he comes home from work, it will be *both* of our jobs to go into the kitchen and cook, to clean, etc. as we both work just the same.  It will be both of our jobs to raise the kids.  It's not my job and he's just helping me with it. LOL.  B/c he truly believes in equality, he has no problem with this nor with having a woman officiant.  Now, if he had a problem with a woman officiant, I would wonder why.Don't get distracted.  Your marriage, *not the wedding* is the only thing that is important here.  The marriage will last 5 hours, the wedding a lifetime.  Find out why your future hubby doesn't want a woman presiding - and what else he does or doesn't want a woman doing. 
  • I meant it the other way around.  I meant to say your wedding will last 5 hours, your marriage a lifetime. :)
  • I agree with above. This is not a good sign. 
    Wedding planning land is not friendly to feminists.
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