African American Weddings

BM dilemma... (Need your opinions) long rant

So, we are almost approaching the year mark of planning our wedding, and I am seriously considering thinking about taking out one of my BM's. Well, this particular BM and I have known each other since kindergarten, we went to high school together and even to the same church (however during Jr. year she decided we shouldn't be friends anymore and just stopped talking to me without giving me a reason why, but being the person I am, I kept it moving). Anyway, after Katrina, and after lots of maturing we kind of reconnected again, and within the next few years I decided to ask her to be a part of my wedding (even though in the back of my mind I had deep reservations)... I figured within time maybe those feelings will go away. 
Well, I have invited this BM on several occasions to have lunch with me or even just to hang out and she would give me the excuse that she has to work, or she has plans with her boyfriend, which I totally understood, but I stopped asking after constantly getting excuses and I stopped calling/texting because it seemed like I was the only one doing it. So lately, I have not heard from her unless I pick up the phone to call or text. I am not the huge "facebooker" that I once was in college, so every blue moon I get on and I see that she has pictures or statuses about going somewhere with these group of "friends" (they are pretty much known in the social scene) that she claimed she no longer wanted to associate with, and I can't get a call to say how are you doing or hows wedding planning. I am feeling like there is a one-sided friendship with no effort on her part. I am also finally realizing that those reserved feelings were true, and I should not have asked her.
Now, I don't know how to tell her nicely that I think she could just be a guest at the wedding instead of being a BM. A mutual friend of ours who is also a BM seems to think that this BM is insecure and is using this group of girls to stay "relevant." I just shake my head.
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Re: BM dilemma... (Need your opinions) long rant

  • Tootie512Tootie512 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Wow hmmm....is it possible to get all the BMs together maybe for coffee nothing special, with the intent on them getting to know one another? Then if she accepts it may restore some of your confidence in her and everyone getting to know one another..however if she doesnt do that then you have a decision to make. You still have time to make a decision and if it were me Id do it before its time to order dresses you know?
    ~Forget or life is yours to miss~ Johnathan Larson - RENT Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • edited December 2011
    I would call/ text her and let her know exactly how you feel. Hopefully from that conversation, you will be able to decide what's best for you.
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  • edited December 2011
    I would call a mandatory meeting, Ist asking for a date and time that everyone will ba available.  This meeting will be to bond and for the BMs to get an idea of your vision for your wedding and what is expected of them.  Make it clear that those who do not show up may not be part of your wedding party.  Be sure to offer her the choice of picking a day...give her a deadline...send her one reminder... if she does not respond then you have done your part.  No need to confront her, as she will more then likely deny doing anything wrong and it will only cause more ill feelings.  Take the high road...if she takes the low road, then.... hey.. So be it.
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  • edited December 2011

    Actually, I am glad you all said this because I was thinking about having a BM meeting the 1st week of July (since thats when all of my girls will be in town & together) just so that everyone can meet each other and to talk about everyone's budget. I told this particular BM about it and she said it was fine, but she and her boyfriend were planning a trip for the summer so she will have to let me know whether or not she could attend, which again I totally understood.
    Its funny that you all mentioned to wait until the meeting and make my decision, because after talking to my FI, he suggested I do the same thing this morning.
    So the verdict is I will wait to see if she will come to the "meet-n-greet" in July and then if I get another excuse then I will politely just ask her to be a reader or just an attendant.

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_bm-dilemma-need-opinions-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:11266584-2fa3-432e-ad06-2c8109612633Post:7360f327-ebbc-4013-8b3f-b8fe03f3c62d">Re: BM dilemma... (Need your opinions) long rant</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would call a mandatory meeting, Ist asking for a date and time that everyone will ba available.  This meeting will be to bond and for the BMs to get an idea of your vision for your wedding and what is expected of them.  Make it clear that those who do not show up may not be part of your wedding party.  Be sure to offer her the choice of picking a day...give her a deadline...send her one reminder... if she does not respond then you have done your part.  No need to confront her, as she will more then likely deny doing anything wrong and it will only cause more ill feelings.  Take the high road...if she takes the low road, then.... hey.. So be it.
    Posted by lisa4766[/QUOTE]

    Totally agree!
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  • edited December 2011
    Yeah I agree but I wouldn't ask her to take on another role. When one of my BM started being testy we mutual agreeded that she would not be a BM. She then asked me what else she could do but I told her that what I needed most was a supportive BM. I just couldn't find a place for her negative energy anywhere.
    If you were coming in the fall I'd brush the summer by...Emily Dickinson imageimageWedding Countdown Ticker
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