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Here Goes Nothing...

mrosenbmrosenb member
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in Not Engaged Yet
So, here's the situation- my boyfriend and I have discussed marriage and he stated for the longest time that we would get engaged after I graduated in May. I patiently waited for months, but he never proposed. Well, in October I brought marriage up again to make sure that we were still on the same page, and he spilled the beans that he is not ready for marriage and does not know if he ever will be.

At the conclusion of the conversation, he stated that if he had not proposed by Christmas (yesterday), he probably would not ever propose. Well, we're not engaged and I feel that he has deceived me because for months he told me that he wanted to marry me and wants a family. A solution would be to change my dreams from having children and owning a house, etc. with him to just being his girlfriend for the rest of my life.

Would you alter goals/dreams to be with someone?

CN: Boyfriend said he would propose after I graduated, but never did. When I recently brought marriage up he told me that if he had not proposed by Christmas he probably would not. Well, we're not engaged and Christmas was yesterday, so it probably won't happen. Would you alter your goals/dreams to be a girlfriend for the rest of your life?
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Re: Here Goes Nothing...

  • KD+BCKD+BC
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Personally? No, I wouldn't give up being married and having children for a guy. Those things are deal breakers for me. For me, a guy would only be right for me if we had the same (or similar) goals in life. However, if being married or being a mother isn't all that important to you, then maybe it's something to consider.
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  • mrosenbmrosenb member
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    edited December 2011
    I don't know how important those things are to me because I really believed that we would be engaged. Now, I feel like I have to chose which is more important- him or my dreams. 
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  • **Mutley****Mutley**
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Like KD, these were deal breakers for me.  They always have been.  DH and I were on the same page from the get go.  It made our relationship that much easier.   

    It sounds like you are more concerned with what he wants out of life than a proposal, so I commend you on that.  I would sit down with him and bring up his previous comment regarding being engaged by Christmas.  Ask him where he sees himself in 5 years and let him know where you want to be.  I am of the more blunt variety, so I would ask him how he sees me fitting into his life and vice versa.  In the end, if he didn't want to get married eventually, I would walk away. 

    I think that there are good relationships out there that sometimes aren't meant to be.  It takes a lot more to walk away from a relationship that is not 'bad.'  I contend that a relationship where both people do not have the same wants/goals out of life can be a very bad relationship.  It means that one of the people is giving up what they truly want and that could lead to major problems down the road.  I would hate to look back on my life and think that I stayed with someone who was 'good enough' but didn't let me fulfill my life's dreams/wants.   
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  • boogerbearoriginalboogerbearoriginal member
    First Comment First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If being a wife and mother are two things that are important to you that won't change. You can't just decide the goals you have in life are no longer important to you. And if you stay with a person who doesn't want the same things as you then you will both be unhappy which isn't fair to you or him.

    He told you he isn't interested in marriage then you'll need to accept that he isn't the guy for you and move on. As painful as it will be, staying together will only be delaying the inevitable. If you want different things in life, you will probably break up eventually anyway (or be really unhappy forever).

    Its hard but worth it because you will find someone who wants a wife and a family and you will 100x happier with someone who shares your goals and will work with you towards those goals.

    Good luck.
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  • hetshuphetshup member
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    edited December 2011
    More info please!! How long have you been dating etc etc. I agree with KD, some things are deal breakers. He has informed you quite clearly that he will likely not propose. You can choose to stay with him and forgo a marriage and engagement and continue with your life. Or you can try to find those things, but without him. Overall, if you choose to stay with him you have to be able to not harp on the marriage thing. By asking us, this indicates (to me at least) that you are unwilling to do all those things without a marriage. Sure, you might be able to do it for a while, but I worry that you will wind up resenting him and possibly yourself. Of all decisions, this has to be high on the list of the hardest to make. 

    Maybe wait until the new year to see if he's got something up his sleeve for the holiday season and then I would say, it's time to tell him that you are unwilling to do those things in life without a contract. You love him, but its time for you to worry about you.


    Best of luck, hopefully everything will work out. 
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  • mrosenbmrosenb member
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    edited December 2011
    Mutley, I like the 5 year plan suggestion, especially since Christmas has passed. We talked about goals, not necessarily 5 year plan, in October when I asked about marriage and his reply was "I don't see myself with anyone, but you". My mental response was great, at least I know he wants me in his life. But since it's after Christmas and we aren't engaged, his goals may have changed. I'll talk to him again and see if his goals have changed.  
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  • desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Ditto Mutley. Have a 5 year plan talk, and be prepared to walk if his goals/dreams don't match up to yours.

    Also, I agree with hetshup -- maybe wait until after New Year's to have a conversation. Give him a chance to surprise you.

    I know this is a tough situation for you, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. Know that being true to who you are and what you truly, deeply, honestly want out of your life is the best way to come out the other side with your self respect.

    Good luck, and please let us know how things are going!
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  • mrosenbmrosenb member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hetshup- we've been dating for almost 5 years (March 2010). He is 31 and I am 28. He has a stable, well paying job. I graduated in May and started graduate school in August. I will graduate in 2012 with a MSW. I am working at a local hospital as a nursing assistant. We do live together and have for a long time. We get along wonderfully, and I've always felt that we were perfect. 

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  • dwest2201dwest2201
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Talk to him.  Be completely honest about the fact that you love him and want to spend your life with him, but that you also want to be married and have a family at some point.  Maybe he's just overwhelmed and thinking that you want to get married and start popping out babies!  The five year talk is defintiely a great idea!  Seriously, talk to him and tell him what you do want so he knows where you stand... he may have very similar ideas but is scared.  And if for some reason he has changed and is no longer seeing himself as a husband family man it would be better to find that out now!  Good luck!
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  • Norway_TNorway_T
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I think you need to figure out whether he does nto want to get married or is not ready for that step now.

    If you JUST got out of college, you are young, and a lot of people at that age dont want to think of marraige yet.I certainly did not.

    Talk to him.  See if he wants marriage and kids one day or not. If he does, dont pressure him to do it before hes ready.

    IF he does not want those things some day, well then you have to decide wether he is worth the sacrifices.

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  • hetshuphetshup member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I would wait him out til the new year and see what happens. I know that I would be concerned that he may never want to marry, has he been engaged ever before or married for that matter? I guess, I would think at your ages (which is not old at all) that he shouldn't be so skittish. This is a tough tough situation, and hopefully you come out in good shape.
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  • Goldlie11Goldlie11
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_here-goes-nothing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7042b420-0331-40b7-b87d-af880053ea98Post:57db9b16-1174-4ad8-b366-a5df989122e8">Re: Here Goes Nothing...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you need to figure out whether he does nto want to get married or is not ready for that step now. If you JUST got out of college, you are young, and a lot of people at that age dont want to think of marraige yet.I certainly did not. Talk to him.  See if he wants marriage and kids one day or not. If he does, dont pressure him to do it before hes ready. IF he does not want those things some day, well then you have to decide wether he is worth the sacrifices.
    Posted by Norway_T[/QUOTE]
    She is not young.  A couple of posts ago, she mentioned that she is 28 and her bf is 31.  <div>
    </div><div>Anyway, I think you should talk with him and be prepared to walk away if he never wants to get married.  I only say this because you expressed a desire to get married.  </div>
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  • KD+BCKD+BC
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I like the 5 year plan idea. Just be really truthful and honest. Use I statements, I feel, I believe, I want...etc. so that he doesn't feel like you are attacking him. Just try and talk it all out.

    I also like the idea of waiting until after New Years, just to be safe.

    Good luck. I hope it works out for you.
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  • kailsskailss
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i agree with a couple of the other girls, the marriage and babies things are deal breakers for me. so if he doesn't plan on marrying you, i would walk, but that's just me.

    i agree with the 5 year talk tho, seems like i good place to start in figuring our where he's at in terms of dreams/plans. but i would evaluate yourself as well and figure out where you stand. figure out what's important to you. if the marriage and babies thing is something that you truely want, then i wouldnt settle with someone who doesnt want the same things as you. because if it's an issue now, then you definitely wont be happy 10 years from now when you're still just the gf.
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  • mrosenbmrosenb member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you for all the advice! I have decided to talk with him after the first of the year. I'll keep everyone updated on what transpires. 
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  • RaiKaiRaiKai member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If he was not a big believer in marriage per say for whatever reason, but was more than willing to demonstrate his commitment to spending his life with you, and have children, then in your shoes, yes, I probably would be fine with that. I would not consider it "giving up my own dreams" however. I grew up in a household with parents who never married, and have a loving, healthy, wonderful relationship (obviously are common-law). For me, being "married" itself was never that important - I believe a commitment to one another can be there without a ceremony, and even that there are those who are married who don't have that commitment.

    However, it sounds to me like he is not opposed to marriage as an institution for whatever reason, but rather he is not wanting to be married to YOU. I know he is saying he is not sure he will every be ready for marriage - and maybe he won't - but if he does have fears or doubts of marriage in general  and still wants to be with you, he will talk to a counselor in order to learn where his fears come from - not drag this on through his doubts and use it as an excuse. I would not be surprised if you two parted ways, that he was not married within a couple years to someone else.

    After five years of dating, and particularly as you are both at or around thirty years of age (at that age, generally I do believe you have often learned enough about yourself to know who you want to be in relationship with, whether you want to be married in your lifetime and to what kind of person, etc), I do believe that what he is saying now is what he means. This is not a matter of him not wanting these things right NOW, but wanting them ONE DAY with you. He is saying he does not want them now, or down the road, with you. Though, he is comfortable with you and would happily go along...for a while. Guaranteed that one day that this will no longer be "enough" for him or satisfying enough for him - and it certainly won't be for you.

    Look, sometimes relationships may seem pretty good, and seem pretty harmonious, but there is something missing for one or both of you. I've been there. Let me tell you, there is a MASSIVE difference between a relationship that is almost emotionally satisfying and whole (except for them wanting to really be committed to you) and a relationship where there is emotional intimacy, a connection and you both do want to be, and express, that commitment to one another.

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  • tafft1tafft1 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Let me speak my peace from life experience. I dated a guy for over 5 years who told me when we first started dating he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married or have kids , and at that time i felt it was perfectly acceptable at that time , as it would have been wrong of me and we were both barely 22 at the time. As the years went by , we discussed it and he told me honesty he did not see himself ever wanting to be married or with kids. These are two things i always imagined and wanted for myself with one i love. Back then , yes i was willing to sacrifice everything and anything for him , but looking back , that was completely unfair to me and him.

    I would have ALWAYS been miserable , because i would never have had what i truly wanted and just because he is okay with it dosen't mean i am. It's a hard choice to make but in the end sacrificing so much for someone else , just will make you both miserable in the end. We both moved on , and found new people that make us happy with our goals and dreams. Wishing you luck as these things are never easy.
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  • caymans_christycaymans_christy
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I was in your situation 6 years ago...  I was 27, my BF was 30.  We were together for three years and he continually talked about how he couldn't imagine life without me, but just wasn't ready to be married - and may never be ready.  I realized I was giving up more than just my time and happiness, I was giving up career goals.  Are you willing to move to be with him - if his job requires him to relocate at some point?  What will you do with your career? 

    That was the sticking point for me...  We were not a team, we were individuals and I was responsible for my own financial well-being.  My job would have required me to move at some point, and I realized - he wasn't moving with me.  Was I going to quit that job and potentially damage my career to stay in a location and a situation without any stability?  Was I going to go to a sub-par graduate program just to continue to be with him - again without the stability? 

    That was the hardest break-up I had in my life...  the relationship was good, we were compatible and had a lot of fun together...  we just weren't meant to be together.  I kept trying to imagine it working out between us and would tell people (and myself) that he was the one.  I really didn't understand what that truly meant until I met my FI. 

    You have invested 5 years...  He's 31...  I agree with RaiKai... 

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