Engagement Test, But No Ring?

Sing2phins · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:3395d7d5-03ee-493a-a5ec-6b73db95b02d">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring? : Oh yeah. I thought it was like the night before the wedding or something. Thank goodness she pased! :)
Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]
Was it the night before the wedding? It's been a while since I've seen it!

jamiefour · June 2010

what the what? FI hates half the TV shows I watch. He wouldn't be caught dead watching half of them, but guess what I would never make him and I think our marriage will still succeed. This can't be real.

quotequeen · June 2010

Is it Dexter?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:b60aa42b-4ff1-4698-9e42-366114691baa">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it Dexter?
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

DED.

Who is THAT obsessed with a TV show and believes it represents their personality? Really?

salt78 · June 2010

America's Next Top Model?

tiffanym76 · June 2010

Um Amanda, whats wrong with that? I lo ve that show. LOL

JoyTate1 · June 2010

While you guys are watching this must-watch TV show, could you not steal his wallet and get a ring? That would be a good way of testing his love for you, not pressing charges.

Krysti21 · June 2010

Come on, guys. Everyone knows that the only marriages that succeed are the ones where the man makes all the decisions, including which tv shows will be watched and whether the woman gets a ring. Compromise is one of those new-agey terms. Only hippies do that. And people who want their relationships to fail.

Wait....

AllAboutTheBenjamin · June 2010

I've read this whole thing.

OP - every time you try and defend your boyfriend, he sounds like a bigger and bigger tool. Not only does he want you to enjoy his favorite TV show before he buys you a ring, but none of your friends approve of the relationship either?

WHAT THE HELL?

You know what? My fiance loves the Simpsons. Good for him, that's great. But if he insisted that I watch every single episode of the Simpsons (and that show has been on for 20+ years) before he bought me a ring - I'm sorry. I just couldn't take it seriously. He can definitely watch the Simpsons and enjoy it and that's great. Maybe I'll even catch an episode with him if I'm bored. I just could never justify putting our entire relationship on the line because of his love for a TV show.

That's stupid. Sorry. It just is. And ultimatums are dumb - this is by far the worst I've ever heard. I don't think he intends on buying you a ring at all. Sounds to me he'd rather sit at home with you and watch tv then go out, buy a ring, and plan a life together.

This guy sounds like a wet blanket and I don't know why you put up with him. Douche. Lord.

ETA - What do you do about the ring? Nothing, honey. There is no ring.

kikibaby · June 2010

I bet it's "Wings". Because anyone who doesn't love "Wings" is a communist.

AmandalovesAl · June 2010

Gotta be Matlock. The unrated verison

ARod22 · June 2010

Am I the only one who thinks that the boyfriend is only being somewhat serious and somewhat purposefully silly about this TV show thing? It sounds more like an inside joke between the two of them, rather than an ultimatum.

AmandalovesAl · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:e0ce2c44-756f-4178-aa7b-e626080bd514">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]I bet it's "Wings". Because anyone who doesn't love "Wings" is a communist.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

That can't be right...if they were commies they wouldn't be allowed to watch anything!

AmandalovesAl · June 2010

My FI wouldn't propose until I said "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror with no lights on. That means I love him right?

pixiedust84 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:c480871d-3f34-465b-9274-f4f9879ee647">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI wouldn't propose until I said "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror with no lights on. That means I love him right?
Posted by AmandalovesAl[/QUOTE]

Ohhh what happened??? Did she come get you? It's actually funny because I've never been able to do that. Freaks me out.

Anyways - I agree OP - I'm sorry but your BF sounds kind of douchetastic. BPD is not an excuse for the things that you've been saying about him and frankly if he uses it as an excuse that's not really okay either. It certainly doesn't excuse infidelities!! Plus you're friends (both sides) never thought you guys were good together - why isn't any of this resonating with you? I'm also guessing that since you've been dating since you were 15 you haven't dated a whole lot of other people. Maybe you need to experience what an actual good relationship is and I can tell you - the one you're in is not it.

I think you should 1) seriously re-evaluate your relationship and whether you actually want to marry him and 2) come back and tell us what TV show it is.

MyNameIsNot · June 2010

This is so sad.

I know you said you were getting help, but you need to discuss this with your therapist. What is going on that your self worth is so low that you think that this is how a man should treat you?

There are better guys out there, and you do deserve one that doesn't make you "prove" yourself to him for a commitment. This is not how a healthy relationship works, and you do deserve to have a healthy relationship.

redheadfsu · June 2010

A test?! I hope that is a joke.

You deserve better, please don't sell yourself short.

Ring- How about you ask him about the ring. I'm sure as long as it is within budget (even a tiny one) he would buy one to make you happy. Hopefully. If not please find someone that wants to make you happy.

A test! Really ?! I can't get over that. I bet this guy will be faithful, I mean he has zero power issues. Please do not get engaged until you two both get much more therapy. The power issues need to be fixed or you will be needing a divorce lawyer very soon after your vows. (believe me, I see it all the time)

Edited as my first post was way too harsh - (I'm sorry - these type of power issues just make me want to scream at the women who stay)

lynzandgreg · June 2010

Quite honestly I think the OP did this as a joke. I mean really... I have never heard anything more pathetic in my entire life.

brookelynpaisley · June 2010

This can't be real.

sevatipari · June 2010

Darling idk where you got the ppl with BPD have to "test" ppl all the time. I have a best friend and a stepmother who both have BPD and neither of them have to "test" ppl. They just have severe mood swings that we don't let them get away with. You have to learn to work beyond your disability not use it as a crutch (I know that of which I speak. I suffer from depression but refuse to take medication. I force myself to excercise and I meditate). Do you have to "test" ppl to see if they accept you?

nda_roxybabe · June 2010

I'm sorry I forgot about this post.
I have no problem with people getting engaged and not having a ring but if you want a ring and he refuses to get you one, that's a problem.

There's a lot of problems with this picture so yes, I will "dissect" it.

shinxy · June 2010

Oh ha ha, yes I left. It's called having a different time zone.

This is not a joke. Thank you, almost all of you, for turning something incredibly positive to me into something negative that I have to defend. You don't know us, and you don't know our relationship. So butt out. I didn't ask for advice on my relationship, I asked about what to do about a freaking ring. You can't say I asked for this because I didn't.

I have been on a lot of forums, I know how this works, but this is the most rudeness I have ever been shown; and I've had an argument with a guy who thinks Schizophrenia (my disability, FYI) is caused by a lack of morals. Even he had more decorum than this.

shinxy · June 2010

And just so you know, it is somewhat of a joke, it certainly started off as one but he's agreed it'd be good and I'm doing it anyway. I WANT TO DO IT.

shinxy · June 2010

And to those of you who think he's not serious about proposing - he knows I've started planning the wedding and is happy about it.

kirstenr · June 2010

The people you seem to be lashing out at are basically trying to advise you in a way that looks out for your feelings, though you don't see it that way. It's easy to get things misconstrued and make things negative when you feel you're being attacked. The problem with The Knot boards is that it's mainly female (I have yet to come across a dude on here), so there's lots of hormones pumping around the site. Women tend to come across a little cattier than men do, but if you really look at what many of the the girls here have been saying, it's more "look out for your own best interest" not "wow your life sucks."

That being said, if you read as far as this, I think the watching the TV show as a jokey game thing is fun, as long as it's not like an ultimatum which it doesn't seem to be. And I would say since I don't know your whole situation on why you can't get a ring from him, you could do what my penniless engaged friends did: she's wearing a red string tied around her left ring finger. I think it's romantic and sweet.

shinxy · June 2010

That is romantic and sweet

I'll let Dearest Boyfriend tie it on my finger after I watch an entire season of the sexist nonsense that is Two and a Half Men and enjoy it (sounds an impossible task, doesn't it?)

. I think we're buying the DVD this weekend.

And yeah, I guess since all my friends are male and my personality is quite male, I'm not quite used to this hormone thing (read: women in general). I don't think it should particularly be an excuse for bad behaviour, but I digress.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

Two and a half men? That's what this was about? Good grief. I don't know who I judge more; you for making such a huge deal out of this nonsense or your BF for liking it enough to want to watch a whole season.

megk8oz · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-test-but-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:26052561-c622-4735-b543-2c5d4a39a4ccPost:f981233b-da8d-48e7-8a33-6c9de4702734">Re: Engagement Test, But No Ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]That is romantic and sweet :) I'll let Dearest Boyfriend tie it on my finger after I watch an entire season of the sexist nonsense that is Two and a Half Men and enjoy it (sounds an impossible task, doesn't it?) :D. I think we're buying the DVD this weekend. And yeah, I guess since all my friends are male and my personality is quite male, I'm not quite used to this hormone thing (read: women in general). I don't think it should particularly be an excuse for bad behaviour, but I digress.
Posted by shinxy[/QUOTE]

Are you kidding me?!?!?! This is the tv show you have to watch to "understand and fully accept him"?

I said it once, and I'll say it again, regardless of how trivial that show is: where is the fairness in you having to "prove yourself" by watching a tv show that you don't want to watch to make him happy, but he doesn't have to get you a ring because he doesn't want to, even though it would make you happy?

This is a man that you had to "come up with a solution" to infidelity for. Even as a "joke", why are you jumping through hoops for him? Why, after cheating on you, isn't he dying to "prove his love" if he really wants to marry you so badly? Why can't he even make the effort of buying some "impulse item" mood ring at the check-out at the Dollar Store if a ring means that much to you?

And my older sister has severe BPD. She has pulled many insane stunts over the years and has hurt many people in the process. She has done things like threaten to surrender custody of her children to their equally unstable father, just to hurt my mother (Which, she thankfully, never did). You say you're in counseling for your own issues, well why isn't how he's treating you coming up? Why isn't this being discussed? Even if you don't see a problem, has your therapist seriously never brought up that it's kind of unhealthy that he refuses to buy a ring, even though it's important to you?

Nobody's saying he has to get you a $10,000 ring ... but if you want a ring and he loves you, there's nothing stopping him from going to WalMart and dropping $20 on one. I won't judge a cheap ring, I won't judge a lack of ring ...I understand not everybody has a lot of money ... hell, I know people who received my exact engagement ring as a "promise ring"! Like PP have said, you don't need a ring to be engaged. But the fact that having one means a lot to you, and knowing this, he just will not get you even a cheap one just speaks volumes that he doesn't care about your happiness.

You say you don't want your relationship dissected, and that you only came here for what to do about the ring, but then why give the other details? Why mention that he had to test you? Why not just ask "BF doesn't want to buy a ring, but we're engaged and I want a ring. What should I do?" End of question. But you didn't. You mentioned a test. You told everybody that he said you need to "accept him" up to and including enjoying whatever crappy tv shows he likes-even though several people will tell you they watch different tv shows than their husbands and their marriages are just fine. You put this out for everybody to see, these are the details you chose to disclose. So, yes, people are going to question it and point out the red flags that are visible from a mile away, because you made it a point to point out these things.

ETA: Your diagnosis being "more severe than his" isn't an excuse for allowing yourself to treated this way. You can do better than this. You deserve better than this. I really truly hope for you that you can one day see things this way, and I wish you nothing but the best.

GreenPepperBurger · June 2010

It was "Two and a Half Man"?

Most anti-climatic thread ever.

meganyani · June 2010

to be fair, I think a few cultural things are worth ditching a man. Such as liking that show and enjoying Nickleback.

Engagement Test, But No Ring?

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