African American Weddings

Vent! Need a little pick me up/mom hurt my feelings...5days to go (sorry so long)

Hey all my sistas! I know I've been MIA mostly for the past few months but you all know how the last of the planning is! LOL! Add in the kids starting school and me starting a nursing program and you all KNOW I have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off! But today Im just feeling a little blue because of my mom.  Ok I get that I'm damn near 40 but I never had a wedding before so this one is a BIG DEAL to me.  But for some reason my mom either doesn't seem to care or doesn't get that this wedding means something to me.  I'm just tired of holding all these feelings in when every single time I call her (especially now with just 5 days to go) she talks about everything BUT the wedding!! And by everything I mean she doesn't even ASK how its going until WAY into the conversation.  Now she can tell me about my brother (who's not coming) and how much money she keeps paying out for his bills even though he is 33 years old, no kids or anything, got a job but can't seem to get it together. OR we have to talk about my sister/maid of honor and how hard is is getting for her since she took a job at a university and she's working 2 extra jobs plus working on her MBA. 

I get that Im her oldest and have my own children from another marriage. I get that I left home at 18 by joining the Air Force.  I even get that I'm pretty sure my whole immediate family thinks I'm independent, reliable and pretty much responsible for me and mine.  BUT DAMMIT I want her (and the rest of my family) to have SOME kind of interest in ME for once - instead of just coming down for some party!  It's a party yes but it's my wedding.  I/we  haven't asked for ANYONE to pay for anything.  We saved, payroll deducted and used extra income to pay for the wedding.   We are pretty darn proud that we get to have a very nice wedding and don't/won't owe a dime.  I know my mom can't afford to offer financial support but I'm just looking for support.  FI parent's on the other hand are over the moon about the wedding.  FIL's has even come  for a visit so FMIL and I could do some DIY projects.  They have offered on several occasions to help pay for things related to the wedding.  We haven't taken them up on their offer but the support has been invaluable.  At this point I feel like FIL's are more excited than even we are.

I just wish I could get her to feel the same way as they do, even just a little bit.  Yes I've tried mentioning it to her and FI sees it hurts sometimes.  I guess I just thought her interest would surely pick up once the date got closer.

Sorry for the long vent but it just hurt a little extra today.       
80 said yes image

Re: Vent! Need a little pick me up/mom hurt my feelings...5days to go (sorry so long)

  • awww sissy..these moms are a trip I tell you. have you just flat out asked her why she hasnt showed any interest ? Ask whats going on in her life. Hopefully she will come around in the next couple of days and just be there for you. (((((Hgs))))) Everything will be ok. At least your inlaws are excitied for you and FI and hopefully that puts a smile on your face.
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  • Honey.! I know EXACTLY how you feel. My mom isn't into the wedding either. She doesnt even ask about it. When I mention it, she says she doesnt care. I am hurting just like you. You just have to pray that God helps her see how she is hurting you, your child. I asked God to help me understand and He delivered. My mom sent me thee most hurtful text message regarding my wedding, and that just helped me build the bridge, and get the hell over it. I still have my moments when I cry, like when I bought my dress, but all I can do is pray for her. Just because you are inependent does not mean you don't need the support of your mom, who in my opinion is supposed to be your biggest supporter alongside your husband and children. I swear our problem is the exact same, cuz FI's family is ALL IN. I can call them about anything wedding related and they drop everything to talk about it. FMIL bought my dress and veil. It's a shame that I have to share the moments that I should be sharing with MY mom, with FMIL. So, I totally feel you. You can continue to talk wedding to her and hope that one day (in the next 5 days)  she gets into it and realizes how important it is to you. Maybe you should explain to her that just because this is your second marriage doesn't make the wedding any less important as the first one. Tell her that you and FI are for sure and forever and you just want her to be there to support you and be happy. Sometimes it makes you feel better to just put all your feelings out there. These knottie sista's told me that when I had my mama drama. Pray for a good outcome, and remember at the end of the day you're getting married to the man of your dreams and its gonna be one of the best days of your life. No matter what.
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  • CreoleBride30CreoleBride30 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited August 2012
    Hey hun! Sorry you are going through this (((hugs))) Ya know...I've tried to understand the thought process of some people (ie: ppl that don't seem to be happy for you when you are floating on cloud 9)  and I just can't figure it out. However, what I do know is this: although this hurts and you DO want those best wishes from your mom especially, and your family, sometimes that just does not happen. Everyone experiences things (happiness, joy, sadness, anger, etc) in a different way. Honestly, I am going through the same thing...but I don't let that bother me...why...because ppl will be who they are no matter what. I can't expect for someone to behave or act a certain way because they have their own personality and their own lives. I accept these people for who they are. While it does hurt when I think about it, I don't dwell on it. If I did, I would be one broken hearted lady which would effect FI and I. 

    Girl, smile, you have a lot to be proud of...pick your head and your chin up. Remain grateful for what you do have...some of us, don't even have a mother or father to talk to about weddings...know what I mean? What matters is that your best friend (future hubby) is on your side and support you! (((hugs again)))

    I don't know if talking about it would even help at this point...I would wait until after the wedding and see if it's still and issue for you. If it is, talk to her then. Don't stress yourself out before the wedding. We always have to be prepared to hear an answer we don't want to hear....and if that may be the case...you don't need that 5 days out from your wedding. 

    Cha
    click here to view our Amazing Love wedding website Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_vent-need-a-little-pick-me-upmom-hurt-my-feelings5days-to-go-sorry-so-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:dafefa29-b6bd-4a97-86cc-581d85bde827Post:ac322c16-727e-4fff-af8d-f7e91f339282">Re: Vent! Need a little pick me up/mom hurt my feelings...5days to go (sorry so long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey hun! Sorry you are going through this (((hugs))) Ya know...I've tried to understand the thought process of some people (ie: ppl that don't seem to be happy for you when you are floating on cloud 9)  and I just can't figure it out. However, what I do know is this: although this hurts and you DO want those best wishes from your mom especially, and your family, sometimes that just does not happen. Everyone experiences things (happiness, joy, sadness, anger, etc) in a different way. Honestly, I am going through the same thing...but I don't let that bother me...why...<strong>because ppl will be who they are no matter what. I can't expect for someone to behave or act a certain way because they have their own personality and their own lives.</strong> I accept these people for who they are. While it does hurt when I think about it, I don't dwell on it. If I did, I would be one broken hearted lady which would effect FI and I.  Girl, smile, you have a lot to be proud of...pick your head and your chin up. Remain grateful for what you do have...some of us, don't even have a mother or father to talk to about weddings...know what I mean? (((hugs again))) Cha
    Posted by CreoleBride30[/QUOTE]

    Exactly. I had to realize this too.
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  • Thanks ladies (with tears in my eyes).  I know I can't change her I guess I just WISH I could for the moment.. you know?  For the few people I've share this with they have all said exactly the same things you ladies have said.  5 days until bliss with my babe.  I honestly thank GOD for him everyday.  He truly does have my back and I love that at least his family is all in. I will keep pushing so that the day is a wonderful and I know it will be.  It does help that FMIL is encouraging, at least I have one "mom" who is truly happy for me.  She is even pinning HER mother's ring into my dress that was given to her (grandma) as a child. The ring is like 86 years old! 

       
    80 said yes image
  • Aww. I'm sorry you feel this way. I also know exactly how you feel. Been engaged for 14 months and my mother just got involved with the planning process, bc I forced fed it to her.  My father hasn't even asked how the wedding is going, all I hear is complaints. I think that maybe they are shying away is bc financially they couldn't provide a wedding for me and feel guilty that FI and I are paying for everything. Maybe the situation is different than what you think. Since you said that you are so independant, maybe your mother feels like you may not need her help or she doesn't know what to say to you that she wants to be more involved so she avoids the situation. Maybe the best thing is to bring it up to her.  Who knows what might be the outcome. She could become your right hand man for the next couple of days if you resolve the issue.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_vent-need-a-little-pick-me-upmom-hurt-my-feelings5days-to-go-sorry-so-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:dafefa29-b6bd-4a97-86cc-581d85bde827Post:07ae51e5-beee-4b65-9db2-f48e0714b13e">Re: Vent! Need a little pick me up/mom hurt my feelings...5days to go (sorry so long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks ladies (with tears in my eyes).  I know I can't change her I guess I just WISH I could for the moment.. you know?  For the few people I've share this with they have all said exactly the same things you ladies have said.  5 days until bliss with my babe.  I honestly thank GOD for him everyday.  He truly does have my back and I love that at least his family is all in. I will keep pushing so that the day is a wonderful and I know it will be. <strong><u> It does help that FMIL is encouraging, at least I have one "mom" who is truly happy for me.  She is even pinning HER mother's ring into my dress that was given to her (grandma) as a child. The ring is like 86 years old!     </u></strong>
    Posted by happe2gether[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>All of this! This is beautiful. While you might not have everyone, you have someone...ya know. And the pinning of the ring...that would melt my heart. That just means so much! You are truly blessed!</div><div>
    </div><div>Cha

    </div>
    click here to view our Amazing Love wedding website Anniversary
  • M1ssJM1ssJ member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited August 2012
    Honey when you're the strong one sometimes you just have to lay your cards on the table. Next time you talk just flat out start talking about the wedding and how exciting everything is and when she starts talking about your brothers or sister tell her you just want 7 days of selfishness where she pretends that nothing is happening but your wedding.

    You should be so proud of yourself!
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  • Hugs to you hun! I am sorry that you have to go through all of this right now. I pray that things get better for you. I know that it must hurt not to have your mom support you during a very happy time in your life. I am happy that your FMIL is over the moon about you getting married and is supporting you in every manner. Keep your head up (easier said than done I know) and I pray that your mother at least supports you on the wedding day. 
  • Girl I understand.  I have a few family members that really act like they don't care about me getting married.  One will ask me how the wedding planning is going, but when I sent my engagment pics or emailed everyone when we were at the 100 day mark I get no response.  So I am like what the world is wrong with the picture.  So I try not to worry about it and talk to the ones that seems to really care about what's going on with me.  So dry your eyes girl you have 5 days to go!!!! Enjoy girl enjoy!! If you are upset the next 5 days you will regret it later that you didn't enjoy these times.  (((hugs))
    **I am getting married to Mr. Wonderful on 11/3/2012**
  • Ditto to all PP! Well said ladies! It will turn around, I'm sure... your time is almost here!!! YAYYYYYY!!!!!!
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  • Le I'm sorry.  As I read, I was trying to put myself in mom's shoes and what stuck out was:  you're the child she doesn't have to worry about, you know what I'm saying?  you're the one who's self sufficient and always holding it down so sometimes parents look at that and think phew, that's one that doesn't need my attention, so lemme concentrate on putting out this fire over here.  In fact what it sounds like is you're the child she turns to for normalcy/reliability/friendship (first born girl syndrome).   I don't think you're wrong for your feelings.  Age, btw has nothing to do with it, there are times when good and grown women not only need and want their mom, but their mommies :) this is one of them and it's perfectly understandable.   Overcomptence has its disadvantages.  Maybe at a time when it's not so close to the surface you can call her up and tell her I know I'm grown but sometimes, like this week, I need my mommie.   

    Whether you decide to talk to her or not I hope it doesn't get in the way of any of the joy and celebration you've planned so long for.   You're gonna be a wife this weekend!!!  Have a wonderful day luvie!!  {confetti}
  • Cha and sultryzulu told you all you need to know.  These ladies on here have it together.  I will join in as well.  My wonderful mom passed when I was 16.  And my father lives out of state and is totally uninterested in my life whatsoever though he was around when I was younger.  But just like you my FILs are AMAZING.  They have offered time, money and are truly excited for us.  But the main thing is that FIs parents have 40 years of being a happily married couple.  And I find that when people are happy in their own lives, they are more apt to be happy for others as well.  When they have not found happiness, like my dad, then sometimes even those closest to us can be a bit resentful of and rather not talk about things like weddings.  They'd rather focus on people that don't have it all together, like my brother, so they don't feel regrets about where they are at this point in their lives.  Hope this and everything the other PPs have said helps.  God bless and don't focus on anything else.  Just let it go and enjoy your day.
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